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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be the one to choose my daughters nursery?

77 replies

turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 07:56

I am 4 and a half months pregnant and recently split from DH. I asked him to leave due to quite a lot of unpleasant behaviour.

We also have a daughter who is 1 next month.

I am struggling for money and also I have sole care of her and our other child who is at school. Eventually I asked STBXH if he would be willing to pay extra for her to go to nursery for a couple of days a week and he conceded to one day.

But he wants to choose where she goes.

There's something I really don't like about it - am I being unreasonable? I haven't chosen anywhere yet: was going to look round today but he just sent me a text announcing this fact.

What do you think?

OP posts:
SylvaniansAtEase · 06/03/2015 15:24

No.

He's trying to control you and the situation, and given what you've said, I think that it would be worth not having that extra day in nursery not to put yourself in the position of being beholden.

And I do not agree that a parent who is so below par as not to be allowed to have their child unsupervised deserves anywhere near an equal input into a nursery choice. It's about the best fit for the child. Who is the best person to judge that? The primary carer. If both parents are de facto core carers, then yes, joint decision. If one is essentially not even in a parenting role, then it makes no sense for them to give an opinion.

I would focus on other paths to make him contribute, such as CSA, and keep him completely away from any input or power into your life and its organisation.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 15:27

Thanks Sylvanians

Wibbly with respect I have a solicitor acting in my interests and I'm not getting into that now.

I just explained that at the moment dH is not an 'equal parent'.

OP posts:
26Point2Miles · 06/03/2015 16:05

in the eyes of the law he IS an equal parent. of course he is

a solicitor acting for you? solicitors letters etc to him aren't legally binding. solicitors cant stop him unless there is a court order

lack of court order and lack of willingness from you to act appropriately leaves me thinking along similar lines to wibbly

really?embatrssment is all that's preventing you doing this properly?

who supervises his current contact?

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 16:35

Me.

But I didn't post to be told 'really' as no 'really' there are other reasons and 'really' I'd sooner not get into them.

Is that 'really' okay with you? As I posted about my baby's nursery not dhs behaviour.

OP posts:
26Point2Miles · 06/03/2015 16:51

he's not that abusive that you are happy to supervise the contact then?

what would you do if he got 'unpleasant' again? you are continuing to endanger your own dc here.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 17:09

No, I am not endangering my DCs. I am protecting them. Don't try to needle me; it won't work.

OP posts:
grumpalumpgrumped · 06/03/2015 18:49

If you sign the contract and fill in the forms, and leave him off completely then they would not allow him to collect. He would have to prove PR etc. But it is a horrible situation to put the nursery in (speaking as a nursery manager).

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 19:44

Hopefully it won't happen if he doesn't know where she is.

OP posts:
capsium · 06/03/2015 19:57

I think you need to seek professional advice on this.

I don't see how you can deal with him, in order to ensure he complies with your wishes, without something legally binding. He has said what he is prepared to offer, you can't accept this, as it stands.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 20:01

But that wasn't what my thread was about.

OP posts:
capsium · 06/03/2015 20:01

Go for mediation, perhaps?

WayfaringStranger · 06/03/2015 20:03

OP is seeking proper advice but I am concerned that it's going to lead down a harmful route. What sort of solicitor doesn't push to make a court order to protect children from an abusive parent? That's worrying.

capsium · 06/03/2015 20:05

Sorry. He is being unreasonable. In an ideal world you'd have equal say on nursery. However he sounds like he has ulterior motives which would make him unreasonable.

fluffymouse · 06/03/2015 20:19

Op have you looked at tax credits for childcare? As a single parent on a low income they would pay a significant proportion of the childcare.

You say ex p is abusive, if I were you I would try not be asking him for extra money for childcare if you do not want to involve him.

It is not unreasonable for him to ask for a say in which nursery is chosen for his child, for which you are asking him to pay however.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 20:27

fluffy I'm not entitled to any due to having money in the form of an inheritance.

wayfaring I didn't say that was what the solicitor advised. My thread wasn't about whether I should have a court order or not.

OP posts:
mommy2ash · 06/03/2015 20:27

im sorry you are going through a lot right now but i agree with others that you are being incredibly naive here. im not sure what you mean by not an equal parent? if he is on the birth cert which i presume he is as you are married then he has parental rights that makes him equal. he as every right to his kids as you do. if you wait till he calls your bluff first and applies to the court for a contact order and suddenly you pull out this evidence it won't look very good on your part if you facilitated contact with someone you claim to be potentially dangerous and didn't act on evidence which could protect your kids.

i wouldn't in a million years become beholden to him for the one day of childcare. he can then use that as a bargaining chip when you desperately need to work and its within his control whether or not that is possible. as others have mentioned there is of course the worry that he could collect his child from nursery. is he paying you the correct maintenance amount? i would ensure he was doing that and use that money for childcare.

WayfaringStranger · 06/03/2015 20:35

Well, you brought it up and people are concerned. We are trying to be genuine and help. Please don't snipe.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 20:37

I'm not sniping. I have said a few times though that there's slightly more to it but that although I will go down the route of court order if needed I'd rather not have to.

OP posts:
WayfaringStranger · 06/03/2015 21:03

If you drip feed worrying bits of information, people are going to try to unpick to see if they can give advice. This happened last time you posted in AIBU.

26Point2Miles · 06/03/2015 21:07

Who was he abusive to? You or the kids?

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 21:13

Yes and I am allowed to say i don't want advice!

OP posts:
WayfaringStranger · 06/03/2015 21:27

I'm not trying to silence you nor force anyone's advice on you, I'm just saying that you're sniping at people who don't realise that you don't want advice/support.

Morelikeguidelines · 06/03/2015 21:59

I would find this frightening. If he is abusive and can't be with her unsupervised I wouldn't want him making any choices that affect her wellbeing.

Also the wanting to choose in itself seems controlling imo.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/03/2015 22:46

I'm not going to give you advice regarding going the legal route. You know what you should do, but for your own reasons (which are not my business) you are choosing not to do it. I assume you've had legal advice and made an informed decision.

As to the nursery, I assume you want to choose it so he will not know where it is? That is the only way (I assume) he can be prevented from picking the child up barring court order. However, his not knowing wouldn't stop him from following you there one day to find it out, but I digress. It would also seem to rule out the 'pick one out of these three' scenario as he'd be able to narrow it down.

Under your circumstances, I can see why you would want to be allowed to choose the nursery, but I can also see why he refuses to pay for it. Sounds like a 'stalemate' to me. You'll never convince him to pay and you'll never want him to know where the nursery is.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 23:00

Thank you Across

Essentially, at the moment, I feel I am the one who should make decisions relating to DD's childcare: I have cared for her since she was born.

Re the legal stuff - I don't want to be vindictive or hurt STBXH. I do actually still love him and a part of me always will - BUT, his behaviour isn't tolerable.

I don't believe he would cause deliberate harm to the children but he has harmed them through his treatment of me; I don't necessarily think DD or my son for that matter would be in immediate threat or danger if he had sole care of them but I do feel they would be at risk of emotional harm.

So I have said he can see them as much as he likes, whenever he likes - but I am there, please.

The fact he's agreed to this is because if it went through the courts, he would see them a lot less, i'll put it that way. But I won't, because I don't want to cause him to suffer and more importantly I don't want them to either.

I'm just trying to do my absolute best for everybody.

OP posts: