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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be the one to choose my daughters nursery?

77 replies

turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 07:56

I am 4 and a half months pregnant and recently split from DH. I asked him to leave due to quite a lot of unpleasant behaviour.

We also have a daughter who is 1 next month.

I am struggling for money and also I have sole care of her and our other child who is at school. Eventually I asked STBXH if he would be willing to pay extra for her to go to nursery for a couple of days a week and he conceded to one day.

But he wants to choose where she goes.

There's something I really don't like about it - am I being unreasonable? I haven't chosen anywhere yet: was going to look round today but he just sent me a text announcing this fact.

What do you think?

OP posts:
assessment · 06/03/2015 10:48

Yes I think you're right Dixie.

Given what you've said about him, I think I'd rather walk across hot coals than be dependent on him for anything.

Also, as this is a hypothetical at the moment, can you not think of anyone else who could have her? Friend or family? Do you think you could manage until you get some state help to fund a place?

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 11:06

No there's absolutely no one who could have her and I am certainly not wanting a "day to myself" although given I have had her 24/7 for nearly a year now I don't actually think that would be hugely unreasonable.

OP posts:
assessment · 06/03/2015 11:09

No it wouldn't be unreasonable.

Only you can decide if it's worth the hassle from your ex though.

Personally, I'd only ask mine for childcare if I was absolutely dying and there was literally no one else to do it. I'd rather suffer than be beholden to him for anything.

But everyone makes their own decisions.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 06/03/2015 11:10

Regardless of anything else, if his behaviour is as dangerous as you say, you need to take legal action against him and get everything documented. You saying you have 'evidence' (which I believe you do) means nothing legally speaking. Involve the police, SS, your health visitor, whoever else is needed to keep you and your children safe.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 11:12

It isn't about being beholden to him, it is about him making a fair contribution to the care and upbringing of his children.

However, as DDs main carer I feel that at the least I should have some input into selecting where she goes on the days I am not able to look after her - not being told by him. He will doubtless choose somewhere on the other side of town, just to needle me.

OP posts:
Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 11:13

Wibbly I am in a difficult position because if I did that I would probably lead to a huge fallout which would be embarrassing and distressing for my older child.

If I need to, I will but I don't think I'll need to.

OP posts:
MinceSpy · 06/03/2015 11:15

OP owning property should stop you from applying for tax credits. Any income you generate from the property may have an impact though.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 11:19

Yes, that is the issue mince - thanks though :)

OP posts:
Wibblypiglikesbananas · 06/03/2015 11:20

I'd rather a huge fallout than my children be exposed to whatever terrible danger you're insinuating. I'm sorry but this doesn't make sense. If the behaviour is as bad as you say, you need to do more. That way you won't ever have to dance to his tune again and nursery selection will be your choice, not his. So which is it? It's either bad enough to warrant external involvement in order to protect your children, or you've exaggerated here and actually you're not too bothered about whether he's involved or not and just a bit narked that he wants a say in the choice of nursery.

PannaDoll · 06/03/2015 11:25

A fair contribution should be arranged through maintenance payments and any abuse/danger to his children and you should be logged. This would help you with two of your issues. Of course you should get to choose but I can fully see him pulling the 'my money, my choice' card out of his pocket if you ask him to pay directly for something rather than have him contribute a regular payment which you can spend on the needs of your children as you see fit.

Personally I would rip the bandaid and have 'the fallout' rather than drag out awkward situations like this any time you want to make a life choice for your family.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 11:29

Wibbly, I will - if I need to.

At present I don't need to - I didn't say 'terrible danger'; I said dH was potentially dangerous.

OP posts:
Wibblypiglikesbananas · 06/03/2015 11:32

So you're still exposing your children to someone who is potentially dangerous? As I said above, this isn't making sense...

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 11:34

Oh my gosh wibbly NO I am not! That's why he doesn't see the children unsupervised at present. It just isn't actually present in a court order - if he decided subsequently to challenge that I WOULD go to court.

It makes PERFECT sense.

OP posts:
Nolim · 06/03/2015 11:34

If you are not willing to let him look after your dc unsupervised then make it legal. Otherwise he can.

grumpalumpgrumped · 06/03/2015 11:45

Agree you need to make it legal before starting at a nursery as presumably if he selects he will be on the forms. The nursery would have to release your child to him.

I think it should be a joint decision but that sounds like it will be an issue.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 06/03/2015 12:01

Make sure YOU sign the contract, because if he has the choice and signs the forms then the contract is with him and he can be free to pick her up.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 12:05

Thanks - will do so!

OP posts:
AntiHop · 06/03/2015 12:05

So sorry to hear what you're going though. Flowers yanbu. Is there a nursery that allows only 1 day? All the ones I have spoken to have said minimum 2 days.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 12:08

It is 2 days but he's paying for one :)

OP posts:
Nolim · 06/03/2015 12:08

Orange as i said upthread as far as i know the nursery cannot restrict acces to one parent unless there is a court order, regardless of who pays.

Treeceratops · 06/03/2015 12:14

Why don't you ring a few nurseries and ask their policies re. collecting?

myotherusernameisbetter · 06/03/2015 12:16

I can see both sides and if he was a reasonable human being then I'd be saying of course he needs to be involved in the decision.

However, it seems that he may be using this as a form of control of the OP rather than concern for his child or finances unless I am picking things up wrongly. Obviously none of us on here know him or the OP. I think given that you are both paying for the nursery a day each, ideally it should be a joint decision. But if he was insisting on the choice all being his then I'd have to go it alone and find a way to manage without his input as difficult as that could be, but then I'm a stubborn cow.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 12:33

Yeah I think it's a form of control too

OP posts:
WayfaringStranger · 06/03/2015 14:37

I think he is trying to control you through this. Can I just clarify, would this day enable you to work? If so, maybe you can claim childcare vouchers?

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 06/03/2015 15:13

Oh my gosh wibbly NO I am not! That's why he doesn't see the children unsupervised at present. It just isn't actually present in a court order - if he decided subsequently to challenge that I WOULD go to court.

I'm sorry but you're being naive. Worst case scenario, you get knocked down by a bus today. Who are social services or any other authorities going to contact in the event that you can't care for your children yourself? It would be your DH. You know, the same DH that you don't want to have unsupervised access to your children! I'm not sure if you just don't understand or are in denial, but until ANY of this is made legal, your DH has just as much right to see your children as you do. You can't stop him if he wants to collect them from nursery, take them out of the country or whatever. You mentioned 'evidence' but haven't specified what this is. I'm imagining photos or video or some such of his violent behaviour. If all this comes to light later on, and you haven't been open in taking steps to stop him seeing the DC, don't you see that you could be seen to have been complicit in whatever it is he's supposed to have done (eg pics of bruises on a child)?!

I'm glad I'm not the only poster saying make it legal asap. It sounds like this man is still trying to control you but if his behaviour has been so bad that you don't want him around your children unsupervised, you have every right to take steps to protect yourself and your children. Don't think for one minute about what he might or might not want. I wish you luck.