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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

999 replies

yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 12:39

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

OP posts:
RitaOrange · 07/03/2015 22:00

When I WOH dh did all the home stuff and vice versaSmile

PisforPeter · 07/03/2015 22:03

We both worked though. We shared everything but still has to be done after a day at work. That is just my experience. It was bloody hard work. Now SAHM & much easier Grin

VinoTime · 07/03/2015 22:03

I work part time and find it a really good balance. I feel quite lucky with my little lot in life, tbh. It's taken me quite a long time to find it and I have had to wait out new job opportunities at work, but it was absolutely worth it. I'm a single parent and receive no maintenance so it's all on me, but I've found a way to make it all work...eventually! Smile

I would be a bit better off financially if I had guaranteed full time hours, but dd would need to be in childcare for that to happen and I suppose I personally feel like it's more beneficial for me to be with her at home after school whilst she's still young. She's my only child and I want to be around for as much as I can. Not to mention how much I would end up spending on childcare. At the minute, my mum drops her off at a nursery run breakfast club for two mornings a week due to my very early work starts. They make her something to eat, let her have a play and then bus the children to their schools. My mum also takes dd for me on a Saturday morning so that I can do an early morning shift and I pick her up at lunchtime. During the week, my entirely too lovely and understanding boss puts me down for overtime that runs between school hours. I'm able to pick dd (7.5yo) up from school every afternoon and drop her off for 3 of the mornings. I never work any later than 2.45pm and I can do as much or as little OT as I want. During the school holidays, I'm either on annual leave or my mum looks after dd for me.

Financially speaking, I don't bank a great deal. But it's enough to pay the rent and bills and my overtime affords us a few little luxuries. Some months are tighter than others, but I find a way to work it one way or the other. Dd needs or wants for nothing. It's always been important to me that she sees me working. Whilst I am only part time, she understands why mummy needs to work and I think it's good for children to understand that their parent(s) have to go to work. By the same token, I also believe children can benefit from having mum or dad around a little more if possible.

I feel like I've been quite a strong role model for my little girl under the circumstances, but that's mainly down to my incredible mother. I was raised to be independent and to stand on my own two feet, and I am/do. My mum has always taught me the value of working and being financially independent from a spouse/partner. Even if I married a billionaire tomorrow, I would want to keep up part time hours somewhere - just so that I had a little safety net squirreled away. Nothing in life is guaranteed - it's a lesson I learned young Grin

I suppose when it comes down to it, you just need to do what's right for you and yours. If I suddenly found myself in dire straights tomorrow, dd would be in childcare every morning/afternoon possible whilst I grabbed every slice of OT I could get my hands on. Fortunately, that isn't the case and we can get by on a little less just now. As soon as she is able to take herself to and from school, she won't need or want me here quite as much Sad

PisforPeter · 07/03/2015 22:05

Well done VinoTime

RitaOrange · 07/03/2015 22:13

P we worked around each other.
I came home to a cooked dinner and a clean and tidy house as did he Grin

BaconAndAvocado · 07/03/2015 22:16

YANBU it's your choice and one I agree with.

I managed to stay at home until my kids were at school and, although it was a much harder experience than I'd ever imagined, it was the right one.

They are now 8 and 6 and I work part-time.

PisforPeter · 07/03/2015 22:16

I think it depends on your hours, if both not getting back till 6ish, pick kids up etc then it it logistically challenging not to have a bloody stressful evening even with batch cooking etc.

RitaOrange · 07/03/2015 22:31

P we didn't ever work on the same day.

We didn't work the same hours.
One of us was always at home with DC if the other was working.
We didn't arrive home the same time because we didn't work at the same time.

PisforPeter · 07/03/2015 23:05

Yes, that makes a big difference Rita, you are lucky to be able to do that.

MadameLeBean · 08/03/2015 00:32

Saying SAH is by default not feminist isn't anything to do with not valuing child rearing or housework IMO. Rather, I don't think women who CHOOSE to stay at home are doing feminism any favours - reinforcing existing gender roles - why not earn more money and insist DH go part time as well as you, or he SAH? I don't think SAH is a free choice for women because often they are the secondary earner so their career is automatically the one that gets sacrificed. And they expect this so aren't as ambitious etc - it's depressing.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 08/03/2015 00:40

I don't think women who CHOOSE to stay at home are doing feminism any favours

I am currently choosing to stay at home and raise my 3 young children. I'm good at it and I enjoy it. When I've done that I may choose to return to my former career as a lawyer. Or I may not. I may decide to whittle shapes out of dried banana and flog them at the end of the driveway.

Whatever I do, I will still be a fucking feminist.

FFS.

MadameLeBean · 08/03/2015 00:43

Manhattan I'm not saying sahms cannot be feminists! But I am looking at it structurally across society - why are there not just as many stay at home dads??

duplodon · 08/03/2015 07:27

I think women who have children CHOOSE to go to work in places that

  • don't recognise the importance of their caring role
  • expect that they should never take a minute off to care for a child who is ill without making that time up
  • expect women to work harder to attain the same level of promotion
  • expect women should never mention their children at work
  • expect women should never, ever ask not to travel abroad or to in any other way prioritise the needs of their children
could also be said to be "not doing feminism any favours".

On the whole, working women are asked to pretend they don't have children. Men are too, of course, but that's the status quo for generations so it's perhaps not as obvious to most men how ridiculous it is. Women who don't challenge this situation could just as easily have their feminism dismissed...

Except...

Why do you think these topics frequently run to 1000 posts on Mumsnet and similar fora? Having children changes women's lives and opportunities in ways it doesn't change men's lives and opportunities. That makes it inherently a feminist issue... the rhetoric about "choice" is absolute bullshit. Men aren't perceived to be making these choices when they have children, they just mosey along as they did before they had children.

The number of women making a free choice is minimal, we are absolutely directed and constrained by patriarchal assumptions. A woman staying home with kids is not "going against feminism" by making a choice to do what she values with her life, only a patriarchal misogynist can make that argument. A woman who does what a patriarchal society deems is acceptable for her to do in the workplace is not "going against feminism by making a choice to do what she values with her life, only a patriarchal misogynist could make that argument.

What's worrying is how many women are so brainwashed they actually think their choice is free but anyone else's is wrong - allowing and reinforcing that a woman is always in the wrong. If you think it's feminist to take a position that other women are wrong for what they choose, you're a queer sort of feminist indeed.

LePetitMarseillais · 08/03/2015 07:29

Because women want it more,pure and simple.

After carrying a child for 9 months many funnily enough want to spend time with it.

My dp offered to be the sahp but sorry after 7 years of fertility treatment,bfing and carrying babies sorry no thanks.Yes it could have been either but I wanted it more and dp was right in letting me make the final decision.

I know it pisses off the feminists but frankly they're just going to have to suck it up. If that depresses you,tough shit.Dictating that women should have zero choice in what they choose to do with a baby they've just carried is as bad as dictating that women shouldn't work.We have choices and nobody male or female has the right to bully any mother into what they think is best.

That isn't to say these choices shouldn't be informed choices though or the needs of the child,parents and family considered.Sadly I think society(and the gov) don't think either are that important these days. Both rarely get discussed or considered.

Bonsoir · 08/03/2015 07:41

There is nothing feminist about a rigid insistence on all women adopting traditional male lifestyle patterns.

JassyRadlett · 08/03/2015 08:07

dp was right in letting me make the final decision.

That strikes me as a little sad; I may have wanted a longer mat leave (why? Biology or conditioning, who can say?) but as DH also wanted time with DS, I gave up part of my mat leave and we split it. DS is just as much his as mine, regardless of who was pregnant.

JassyRadlett · 08/03/2015 08:11

(I don't disagree with the later part of your post, Petit, for what it's worth, and I'm quite a strident feminist.)

Bonsoir · 08/03/2015 08:11

I don't agree with that! Pregnancy is an awful lot more work for the mother than for the father, ergo mothers have more voting rights when it comes to how babies are cared for!

Meechimoo · 08/03/2015 08:13

The only reason child rearing is seen as an inferior role is because it's always been carried out traditionally by women. That's why traditionally 'female' professions like nursing and teaching pay so poorly. Saying that sahms are anti feminist is totally missing the point of what feminism is all about.

LePetitMarseillais · 08/03/2015 08:21

It was psychological as well as physical.I had a strong need to be there,he just didn't.He offered but really didn't have a burning desire like I did.If he had I'm sure we would have considered sharing it.He offered as it was the right thing to do ie ie check instead of assume I wanted a break. We both wanted a sahp and to avoid using childcare,he would have had a break to do it if I hadn't. I suspect many men who believe in having a sahp would if their female partners didn't want to do it.I know those who have shared it equally,some men who have done the maj of sahp ing and some who have done the lot alongside many who haven't. Sahm aren't brainless or weak.Many of us have fought and planned for it.

And what Bonsoir said.

LePetitMarseillais · 08/03/2015 08:32

And what Meech said,with bells on.

So sad that such a valuable job in a home or professional role is sneered at and looked down on so much.

Dp and I were talking about this recently. He pays more in tax each month than I earn.He was musing that my job was probably more demanding,more valuable and I am just as bright( both got degrees)as him however I am valued so little by society and the job market.He was saying I am probably more useful than his big bosses on silly money, that I could easily do their job as they have very few actual skills in management and how wrong it all is.

He is right.

JassyRadlett · 08/03/2015 08:39

Bonsoir - couldn't disagree more. I did the jobs only I could do (gestation, breastfeeding), but DH's inability to do those two things doesn't make him any less DS's parent, or any less involved in decision making about his care. We're equal partners at home and have been since day 1, which means that our work/home situation actually works for both of us. I'm not the senior parent simply because I have a uterus, any more than I am the senior partner in financial decisions simply because the market rewards my work at a much higher level.

Bonsoir · 08/03/2015 08:44

I think that negating the very significantly superior effort of gestation and breastfeeding versus sperm donation is indescribably unfeminist. And tragic for womankind.

LinesThatICouldntChange · 08/03/2015 08:48

If transferable parental leave had been available when we had our children, I'd have opted for it like a shot, and dh and I would have had 6 months off each. That would have been a wonderful experience for each of us and our children.

Yes, I physically was pregnant, gave birth and breastfed, but DH loves his children every bit as much as I do and and enjoyed spending time with them as much. Oh and of course he was equally good at nappy changing, reading stories, cuddling them and so on.

As it was, ML was 12 weeks only when I had dd1 and fathers had no parental leave rights at all, so it wasn't an option for us. i had my 12 weeks off and returned to work.

If one partner genuinely has more of a desire to stay home and the other partner is happy with that then fine. But for many couples it isn't a foregone conclusion that they have to adopt those roles

wildernessagogo · 08/03/2015 08:48

Consider yourself lucky to have the choice.