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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

999 replies

yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 12:39

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 04/03/2015 17:33

I find it hilarious that a sahp starts a thread about sahp and wohp have to come on to justify themselves, its hilarious.
I wonder if a wohp would get the same response.
I don't think there has been much celebrating of the right to be a sahp and the OP has proved her point.

AnnieLobeseder · 04/03/2015 17:33

duplodon - I agree completely, and yet sadly that's what society seems to expect of men. The whole set-up is rotten and unfair to both sexes.

LikeABadSethRogenMovie · 04/03/2015 17:33

Agree being a SAHP is a recent phenomenon. It's also one that is unlikely to continue as our children will have even more financial obligations than we have unless something really REALLY changes in the future.

University fees will continue to rise, pensions have to be paid for, there will more than likely be some kind of health insurance required as the NHS struggles with the ageing population, people will work well into their 70's etc etc.

Which is why, even as a SAHM, I encourage all my kids to have a keen work ethic, because if you're going to have to work anyway, you may as well be as good as you possibly can be at it and reap the rewards. Just because I don't work for financial gain, doesn't mean that I can't lead by example.

ClaudetteWyms · 04/03/2015 17:34

This is so depressing, women insulting each other because they make different choices. I wonder if out there in cyberspace there's a thread with men ripping each other to shreds based on what they do/ family choices...

I am a SAHM to school aged DC, it is right for me and right for my family. I have no financial back up should DH run off and leave us etc., but I am not a "naive fool" thank you! If it happens I'll deal with it then, but why make a decision that wouldn't suit me now because of something that might never happen?!

The cold hard fact is none of us are here for long, you can't always plan for every eventuality, so I believe in living the best life we can, now.

Peace and love, we should be supporting each other not trading insults.

Teawaster · 04/03/2015 17:35

I don't get the pride bit either, glad possibly to be one thing or the other but either is usually a choice

avocadogreen · 04/03/2015 17:36

Aaargh! These threads make me mad every time.

Forget all the martyring yourself for your children bullshit and ask yourself, are you making the right choice for yourself? Are you happy and fulfilled? Are you financially secure?

As a former SAHM whose ex buggared off and left me, I would say think very carefully about your choices and always protect yourself. Personally I will be advising my DD to always keep her financial security.

And actually I am much happier as a working single mum than I ever was as a SAHM and I think the DC are too.

HootyMcTooty · 04/03/2015 17:37

Well done you for having the option. So I want to live in a decent area so my DC can have access to good schools and be able to have hobbies as they grow up. That means we both have to work. Does that make us worse parents? No.

You sound smug and judgey. Maybe if we all just got on with doing things the way we see best and not judging each other's ways of life we'd all be a bit happier.

meglet · 04/03/2015 17:40

can we bear in mind that lp's often have no choice when it comes to work. I didn't want to work when the dc's were little but giving up my job would have left us with nothing except cb to live on.

my dc's don't like me working (we're always rushing and i shout too much due to stress and depression) but it puts food on the table. And I have a reasonable pension in 30 years time Hmm .

base9 · 04/03/2015 17:40

Amen claudette

morethanpotatoprints · 04/03/2015 17:41

Hooty

Have you read the OP?
She wasn't judging working parents, but being proud about her choice.
The amount of vitriol to sahps I don't blame her at all.
I believe she has proved her point because everything she mentions that is thrown at sahps has been on this thread.

pineappleshortbread · 04/03/2015 17:46

Financially my family will suffer if both of us work due to benefits and low incpme and cant afford childcare. However my children will suffer if i stay at home because i become depressed and stressed so my husband stays home now to take of the children and the house. He takes them both to nursery one day then the four year old the next day for half a day and does plenty of things with them. When they both go to school he will return to pt work. I think men who stay home are under praised or seen a incapable or like it isnt their role. My dh makes a better sahp than me lol

Horseradishes · 04/03/2015 17:47

Great if you're happy OP, I don't judge other people's choices/circumstances.

Some wohm are disinterested parents, some are great, some work for financial security and others because they can't afford not to.

Some sahm are disinterested parents, some are great, some just don't like to work, some can afford not to work.

Fwiw my dm was a sahp, however she wasn't interested in her children particularly, she has no relationship with any of them now and has always been quite selfish/lazy. I don't think working or not working has much bearing on whether or not you're a good pparent tbh.

pineappleshortbread · 04/03/2015 17:47

Also my dh was depressed in his job so a switch worked all round and without it our marriage and home wpuld have fallen apart

HootyMcTooty · 04/03/2015 17:49

You can be proud of your choices without being judgey. For most parents, it's not a choice, it's just a reality, either mum can't afford to work because of childcare, or can't afford not to work because of mortgage commitments. If it's not a choice, there's nothing to be proud or judgey about, it's just what it is, so why do we constantly have to have these debates about what is best? Surely what is best is that your DC have food, clothes and shelter? That requirement means that few women actually have a choice over their working status.

TranmereRover · 04/03/2015 17:53

the interesting thing is the automatic assumption that a child is better with a parent. I know I benefitted massively from being at boarding school away from my mother. Depends on your style of parenting and how far you let this smothering smuggery get in the way of daily life.

In answer to the original question though, yes, you're utterly unreasonable to crank out this tired old argument yet again. And by the way, those of us who work manage to bake the cakes / raise the cash for the school around professional commitments - you make it sound like its one or the other. It isn't.

babybarrister · 04/03/2015 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sallystyle · 04/03/2015 17:58

The only way I can instill work ethic,studying and having a career is if I'm doing it myself and be an example to my children.

I disagree with this.

My son is fantastic at studying and is very ambitious, despite the fact that I am a SAHM and for a long time neither of his parents worked

If anything I think he is more serious about getting a career because he has seen what can happen when you don't have one and fall on hard times with no skills to get a good job.

My kids were better off with me being a SAHM due to their special needs. Now my youngest is 6 and my eldest is 16 I think the whole family will be much better off when I work. I was due to go to uni but my situation has changed again so I need to work soon, but sadly I shot myself in the foot by being a SAHM for so long.

I make no judgements about other families.

Allaboutkyt · 04/03/2015 18:02

YANBU. I believe it is best for my DS too.

morethanpotatoprints · 04/03/2015 18:03

The OP wasn't the person who mentioned cake baking btw, she was responding to an insult where she was told by a surprise surprise wohp to go and bake some cakes.
Way back pages ago.
Please lets have this right. Grin

TheWitTank · 04/03/2015 18:08

I actually can't believe anyone gives a shit who is a SAHP and who works. I certainly don't. Nothing to do with me. I do what works well for my family, which is 22 hours a week in my case. If you stay at home-great! If you go to work-great! If you do something else-great! If anyone thinks my lifestyle is inferior that's fine. I'm secure on my choices.

PenelopeChipShop · 04/03/2015 18:11

Of course you should be proud of yourself but you should be sensitive too. Your thread literally brought tears to my eyes. Am on the way home, feeling ill and have missed my son like crazy today. Working mums don't all look down on sahms I promise you. I'm sure you're doing a great job. Don't rub it in though.

TwoOddSocks · 04/03/2015 18:11

YANBU. SAHM get bashed on here. It's acceptable to take pride in being a working mum but not the other way around. I rarely see people on mums net question why a mum works with questions doubting it's the best for her family. But on the first page of this thread we have people questioning that it's the best thing for your family as if you're not the best judge of that.

As long as you are making a judgement only about your own family and situation why shouldn't you say you're making the best choice.

FluffyCubs · 04/03/2015 18:13

I'm SAHm and every bloody time, I get asked, I feel defensive about it and start making noises about going back to work...which I will but not in the near future. So I'm kind of with the OP. It's fucking boring being at home, and there's only so much mother n toddler shite a gal can take, so it's not all fab, but I wojld prefer to be Home at this stage of my children's lives.

HOWEVER, pride doesn't come into it, I feel immensely grateful I ever had a choice, and so many people don't have a choice so it comes across as smug.

TwoOddSocks · 04/03/2015 18:14

the interesting thing is the automatic assumption that a child is better with a parent. I know I benefitted massively from being at boarding school away from my mother.

Where is that assumption? She's talking about what's best for her family. Boarding school might have been great for you but it's fairly obvious that it wouldn't be good for a lot of kids. OP is talking about what's best for her kids not every kid and family.

Enough27 · 04/03/2015 18:25

I've been both a SAHM and a WOHM. I love my job and will always need to work for money reasons. But I think some SAHMs like I was should be honest with themselves and admit that staying at home with children was a get out clause from the drudgery of work that many men just don't have. Work involves meeting objectives, deadlines, stress, bosses, appraisals etc. At home you only report to yourself, it's easy!

When poor DH was worrying about earning enough money, I was earnestly convincing him that it was better for the DCs for me to be at home. And it might have been, but mainly it was lovely for me.

I shudder at my selfish previous self. We now earn about the same and share child care etc. Much fairer. So I don't think SAHMs should be proud of what they do. It is a choice that they have often been given, and often an easy option too, disguised as self-sacrifice to benefit the children. Obviously I can just speak for myself but I have seen it in other relationships too.