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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

999 replies

yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 12:39

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

OP posts:
JanineStHubbins · 04/03/2015 15:49

vixsatis you're both giving up work? How will you manage for money?

morethanpotatoprints · 04/03/2015 15:49

sonnet

Whats wrong with receiving benefits when you are a sahp, you don't get it unless you are entitled to it.
I say it loud and proud and couldn't give a stuff what you or others think.
You do whats best for your family in the situation you are in.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 04/03/2015 15:53

i would never actively encourage my girls to be SAHM. Ever. There is far too much of the world to see.

Do you work op? Have you ever worked? Do you intend on going back to work? Do you claim benefits? Do you use the government free child care scheme ?

vixsatis · 04/03/2015 15:54

Janine we're quite old and have been saving like mad! Other question, of course, is how long it will take before we murder one another

NancyRaygun · 04/03/2015 15:55

i would never actively encourage my girls to be SAHM. Ever. There is far too much of the world to see

wow. Just, wow.

Is that post a joke?

ConfusedInBath · 04/03/2015 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber · 04/03/2015 15:56

Some people do feel the need to be very vocal about their choices, to get some kind of validation for them OP - I guess that you are one of them. So knock your self out - say whatever you like "loud and proud" you might want to be a bit careful how you phrase it because it can sound a tad smug and like its more of a general statement - "I do want I think is right for my children - yay me!" = "why aren;t you all doing what I'm doing cos I'm getting it right and I'm loud and proud about it"

My circle of friends comprise of SAHM&D's, WOHP's, part-time workers, shirk from homers, single parents, dual parents etc - without exception they love their children and try their best to do the right thing as a parent. You can't tell from meeting all the children which are the offspring of parent so I have come to conclusion that provided your children are loved and cared for, fed and watered, go to school, taken to a doctor as necessary, above the poverty line with no emotional or physical neglect or abuse then they probably pretty much turn out OK. Of course some choices might make life easier either for you or them but that doesn't necessarily make them better

Out of interest - where exactly are you going to be loud and proud about this Confused - facebook? school gates? street corners?

morethanpotatoprints · 04/03/2015 15:58

vix

I think that's a lovely idea and can see where you are coming from.
Our youngest dd is off to boarding school this year, so I'll be doing some sort of voluntary work a couple of days a week. I was a sahm for her and her much older siblings and never found the need or want to work.
ime they do need you more when they are teens.

FenellaFellorick · 04/03/2015 15:59

Well, I don't think anyone should feel apologetic for any personal, legitimate choice they make, so if you do, that's something for you to change your feelings about. If you are making the choices you feel are right for your family, you owe strangers no apologies. I don't know why you think you do, but change that.

If you're talking about wins and successes, I assume you mean saying oh, we did X and it went really well, we had fun... that sounds perfectly reasonable. That's just chatting about your day, which is what friends do. There's no need to feel apologetic or defensive about that and if you do - you need new friends!

It would be different if you were going round saying to your friends well, of course, my daughter is doing so much better than yours because I am a sahm and put so much more into her than you do.... if you were doing that then I'd hold their coat while they slapped you one Grin

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 04/03/2015 15:59

FGS, be proud of it. Life would be pretty crap if you didn't find a reason to be proud of your choices in life.

aprilanne · 04/03/2015 16:00

i have always been a sahm .i loved it .my children benefited from not being farmed out to strangers from an early age .yes there were sacrifices .the eldest was 14 before we holidayed abroad .always britian before .yes our house is ex local authority .we bought as a repo.took years of hard saving to get it how we wished .i would have hated missing out on my children growing up .but the bottom line is not every one can afford it .and others don,t want to be a full time parent .i suppose you just do what suits .and no we are not on benefits .

Joyfulldeathsquad · 04/03/2015 16:01

No nancy it's not a joke post. Why do you think it is?

RatMort · 04/03/2015 16:02

I am the one who always comes on these threads and begs for solidarity among women, and mutual respect, and says there needs to be state provision for universal, high-quality childcare so that staying at home or working is a genuine choice for all parents, male and female.

However, there is an economic naivety that keeps cropping up on some happy SAHMs' posts that bothers me. Numerous posters have explained that they stayed at home now, even with older children, because they couldn't 'work around' their husband's irregular hours, and anyway, they'd been out of the workplace for 15 years and their skills/qualifications/experience were obsolete.

I want to ask these women what happens when their partner drops dead/ becomes incapacitated/runs off with someone/loses his job and can't find another - doesn't it alarm you that you and your children are dependent on someone else's earning capacity? Why is it that some of you seem to feel that being able to afford childcare/work around school holidays or your husband's work hours is your sole problem, and not a joint issue to be solved between you?

I ask this not out of any desire to accuse or nitpick other women's choices, but because, if I had a daughter, I would be urging her not to put herself in a position of economic vulnerability, or in which her career was automatically viewed as secondary the moment she gave birth.

squoosh · 04/03/2015 16:02

'my children benefited from not being farmed out to strangers from an early age'

Ugh.

Why use such an emotive and disapproving phrase?

Joyfulldeathsquad · 04/03/2015 16:02

farmed out to strangers Grin

Yes, there is a woman near me with nine kids, never worked and she uses that excuse too.

leedy · 04/03/2015 16:04
aprilanne · 04/03/2015 16:05

i dont have 9 i can asure you i had 3 . and sorry putting a young baby in nursery is basically letting a stranger do your job for most of the day .

Imnotbeingyourbestfriendanymor · 04/03/2015 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bonsoir · 04/03/2015 16:05

It's a personal choice and it is of course extremely unpleasant to have mud slung at you because of your choices.

JanineStHubbins · 04/03/2015 16:07

sorry putting a young baby in nursery is basically letting a stranger do your job for most of the day

What a fucking stupid post. People really think this shit? In 2015?

squoosh · 04/03/2015 16:07

Apparently so.

Fauxlivia · 04/03/2015 16:08

I've only read the first reply so far but want to point out to the poster who feels it's hard to justify going through the education system if you become a sahp, that education is never wasted.

It is very important to be able to earn your own money and support yourself if need be (life is unpredictable), but it's perfectly okay to choose not to in order to sah with dc or even just to make family life run more smoothly if the other parent has a time consuming job.

I sah, but my education has been very useful when it came to my dc's GCSEs and A levels. Not to mention my own personal fulfilment.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 04/03/2015 16:08

April so you judge mothers working then?

leedy · 04/03/2015 16:09

I'm sure I'm missing out on some nuance here, possibly from having been cruelly farmed out to strangers myself.

NancyRaygun · 04/03/2015 16:10

Well, Joyfulldeathsquad it is just such a sweeping generalisation of SAHM 'ing'. Surely you can see how patronising, cutting and unkind that was?

I thought that attitude had died out to be honest: women at home aren't second class citizens who don't see the world. They can be just as valid, educated, well read and travelled as someone who gets up and goes to an office. If not more so.

If you take my personal circumstances: I have had a lucrative and well paid career, travelled, both for work and for pleasure. I have a good degree and I consider myself educated but I never anticipated how much I would have to defend myself intellectually and as part of a voting, sentient department of womanhood once I became a SAHM.

For me, I couldn't combine my working hours with a baby. The baby years are short and I fully intend to go back to work once my children are in school. In the mean time I have had a partial lobotomy and they have taken my passport away....