To go to the other wedding?

[Luxme]

My BIL is getting married just before christmas. My university friend is getting married the same day. BIL hasn't asked DD to be a bridesmaid but my friend has....AIBU to go to my friends wedding with DD and let DH go on his own to his brothers?

By inviting your DD to be bridesmaid, she is obviously higher up your friend's wedding hierarchy than for your BIL/SIL. That would swing it for me. Although I understand your DH wanting to go to his DB's wedding.

I would try and attend some part of BIL's wedding if possible though.

Glad you have reached a solution op. If your dh is happy with you going to your friends wedding then that sounds fine. I would just be aware of possible repercussions. Would bil see this as a snub?

I'd start talking about how exciting it is for DD to be BM for your friend when ever DH family are within earshot or it will get back to them, this way they won't be upset etc when low and behold the dates clash and you are all a 'tiz' because DD has such an important role you can't possibly not go ... but then I'm sneaky :)

Go to the one where your loyalties lie. If that is with your friend, then go to that.
If your DH goes to his brothers wedding, there is an argument you should go too to support him but that would depend on how important you going is to your DH.
With the situation as you have described it, I would go to the friend's wedding but not because of the bridesmaid thing. I don't think it would be THAT important to a 3 year old?

I must have missed the age earlier, sorry. Sounds as though you should go with the DD as being bridesmaid then, but I really wouldn't play up the "it's so exciting for her" thing too much if she's only three.

Just what I was thinking fluffymouse. Will B&Sil be of the opinion that 'Luxme and DD aren't here because DD didn't get to be a BM.' And - very importantly - does that bother you?

Actually if she is only 3 the bridesmaid thing is totally irrelevant. she could wake up on the wrong side of the bed and totally refuse to wear the pretty dress, let alone be centre of attention.
i would not talk about it at all to her and certainly wouldn't make a big deal out of it to anybody, because what you have in mind Lux of her enjoying it and all might not even happen
(talking from experience of seeing young bridesmaids having total meltdowns and refusing to "perform")

go to your friend's wedding because you want to. that's it.
if DD is a bridemaid on the day (and not ill or hysterical) that's a bonus.

and I wonder if those are the reasons why your future SIL possibly excluded her- if the other bridemaids are older, I can totally see why she would prefer not to risk a very possible tantrum from a 3 year old.
nothing against LuxGirl.
but weddings make everyone a bit loopy, kids are no exception!

Is she your only DC? If you have others could they go with your DH? Even things out a bit.

You should attend your friend's wedding as she has asked your f2f to be bridesmaid. If your bil thought you were close then he would have asked his niece to be his bridesmaid but hasn't so you don't owe him anything.

Your dd not f2f!

You go to whichever one you want to go to. You're not obliged to go to anyones wedding.

The only issue is will your DH be bothered that you are leaving him to go on his own to his brothers wedding. This doesn't mean you should change your plan, but personally I'd be asking him before MN.

DH says "I'd rather you did come with me, but I understand why you aren't".