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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to the other wedding?

87 replies

Luxme · 04/03/2015 11:50

My BIL is getting married just before christmas. My university friend is getting married the same day. BIL hasn't asked DD to be a bridesmaid but my friend has....AIBU to go to my friends wedding with DD and let DH go on his own to his brothers?

OP posts:
DecaffTastesWeird · 04/03/2015 12:12

Hippee that's a lovely idea! I was really sad not to be a bridesmaid when I was little too.

PfftTheMagicDraco · 04/03/2015 12:12

You might get invited to neither Grin

Viviennemary · 04/03/2015 12:13

I think family has to take priority over friends. It's not relevant that your DD has been asked to be a bridesmaid IMHO.

ZingNinjaRoll · 04/03/2015 12:14

and do not commit to anything just yet . explain to both couples what the situation is.
if it stings that DD hasn't been invited to be bridesmaid at BIL's do not mention this as you don't want to make it an issue and ruin it for DD, also you don't want to look spiteful

Joyfulldeathsquad · 04/03/2015 12:14

YANBU

I have friends who are much closer to me than family. Go to your friends you will have a better time. Life's short.

spiderlight · 04/03/2015 12:14

Aww, Hippee - what a lovely thought!

ChipDip · 04/03/2015 12:14

What does your DH suggest?

FenellaFellorick · 04/03/2015 12:14

I would. Your daughter's already been asked to be a bridesmaid. That's an invitation / commitment, isn't it? So by saying yes, you're accepting the invitation first.

Your brother in law, otoh, hasn't even directly communicated the date to you, you only know what you hear through a third party. Maybe the date isn't even fixed yet.

Your husband has the option of picking up the phone to his brother and saying hi brother, dad said you're getting married on X date. Is that right, only my daughter has been asked to be bridesmaid for Luxme's good friend and their wedding is that day, so I just thought I'd check what the arrangements are, whether it's a child free wedding, what the general plans are etc so we can decide what we're all going to do.

see how that conversation goes.

BlackeyedSusan · 04/03/2015 12:14

I thnk dd's feeling trump bils, who does not seem that bothered about visiting.

you and dd go to your friends.... after all, she has asked and bil has not officially released the date yet.. if h wants to go to bils, fair enough.

this is something that is likely to be very important to your dd and I think someone you lived with for 6 years is pretty high up the list of significant people.

Original poster
Luxme · 04/03/2015 12:15

DD hasn't been asked. But SIL to be pointedly told me that DD's cousin was going to be one (admittedly she will be 6 when it happens). I confided in a friend who then asked DD to be hers, sods law that they are the same day.

Im considering going to both in one day!

OP posts:
Tobyjugg · 04/03/2015 12:15

If they are on the same day, then DH to his brother's, you to your friends. BIL is a piss poor uncle if he wants to deprive his niece of her chance of being a bridesmaid.

Hoppinggreen · 04/03/2015 12:15

My DD was bridesmaid for my friend when she was 8 and the whole experience was fantastic for her ( and me - I may have cried!!)
It was a child free wedding as well so she was extra spoiled by everyone.
The chances are she will never be one again and so I would do it.
People might say that the wedding isn't about your DD and of course it's not but if it's your preferred option anyway and it will give your DD a day to remember then I would go.

hippoesque · 04/03/2015 12:17

Why does family have to trump friends though? You can't help who you are related to but you choose your friends. If you want to go to your friends with your DD then that is absolutely fine especially as your DBIL hasn't even let you know the date personally, it's second hand information at this point. Don't give it another thought OP!

ZingNinjaRoll · 04/03/2015 12:18

fenella got it right

peaz · 04/03/2015 12:19

The fact that your friend has asked your DD to be bridesmaid says to me that there is a close relationship.

The fact that you rarely see your BIL (unless it is down to distance?) says to me that there is not a close relationship.

I'd go. The only disclaimer to that is as long as your DH is happy with that.

ZingNinjaRoll · 04/03/2015 12:20

your future SIL sounds like a prize Bridezilla. pointing it out that another little girl is going to be bridesmaid, but not mentioning her fiance's niece - not nice at all.
[assumptions]

ZingNinjaRoll · 04/03/2015 12:26

Lux

I have a question.
if your BIL decided they would like LuxGirl to be a bridesmaid too after all (genuine or not) would it change things?
she'd still be a bridesmaid so that reason for going to friend's wedding is almost eliminated IMO.
what would you do then?
(not trying to catch you out just wondering)

MaidOfStars · 04/03/2015 12:29

if your BIL decided they would like LuxGirl to be a bridesmaid too after all (genuine or not) would it change things?

Was just coming back to ask exactly the same.

miniavenger · 04/03/2015 12:29

It sounds like the friend is much closer than family and if you've been asked if DD would be Bridesmaid then that's an invite in itself. What did your DH say? Maybe he'd prefer the friend's wedding if he's not so close!

TheUnwillingNarcheska · 04/03/2015 12:31

I remember being gutted that my sister was a bridesmaid for my uncle and myself and my younger sister were not. I cannot begin to tell you the hurt that we felt.

Let her be a bridesmaid in what will hopefully be a gorgeous dress. Family does not trump friendship unless you have a friendship with family members and in your case you don't.

loiner45 · 04/03/2015 12:33

given how often people on here are advised to go NC with toxic family I'm a bit Shock at how many people are saying 'family trumps friends'. I don't agree - I think you go with the people who are more significant in your and dd's lives. I'm closer to a number of friends than I am to any members of my birth family - and some of those friends are ex inlaws!

ZingNinjaRoll · 04/03/2015 12:34

great minds..Wink

Original poster
Luxme · 04/03/2015 12:36

I don't know if id go if she was asked to be a bridesmaid! I love my friend more!

OP posts:
ZingNinjaRoll · 04/03/2015 12:36

loiner

we need a new phrase:
"let me introduce you my most significant brother" Grin

MaidOfStars · 04/03/2015 12:36

...yours is quicker Smile