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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Me or dp at fault over childcare cock up? Who should have to take the time off?

101 replies

attheendoftheday · 04/03/2015 07:42

So, dp and I have made a cock up with our childcare and one of us is going to have to take time off work, dp thinks it's my fault and I think it's his.

I am a nurse and dp is self employed. We have a calendar on the wall on which everything is booked. Dp text me (while I was at work and he was at home). Saying "Can you pick the kids up on x date. You are on an early shift. I have a meeting in London." I replied "No problem."

So, x date is Friday. I am not on an early shift, I'm on a late shift, so I can't pick up the children. Dp thinks it is not his responsibility to know my shifts, I think he led me to believe he checked the calendar.

One of us is going to have to take time off. Dp thinks his work takes presidence because he's booked a meeting. I think it's his turn as I've taken the last two times the kids were ill off as he always has "unmissable" things going on, and my ward's already short that shift.

Mumsnet verdict, who's fault is it and who should take the time off?

OP posts:

Brandysnapper · 04/03/2015 10:47

Macosta - what if it's always one person doing the giving though?

TeWiSavesTheDay · 04/03/2015 10:48

*cocks

HolgerDanske · 04/03/2015 10:56

It doesn't matter, though, if the manager is fair and whatnot - It's still not nice to spring things like this on your colleagues, and it shouldn't be done unless it's unavoidable. Especially not in a job like nursing and at such short notice. He's put her in a really shitty position and he really ought to be sorry about it. But instead of being apologetic, he insists it's her fault when it's clearly his fault.

FlabbyMummy · 04/03/2015 10:57

His error but hire a babysitter? I had a lovely one that would do collection from Nursey, has the right car seat but also would do it on foot with buggy. Only used this once but have option for future.

SoonToBeSix · 04/03/2015 10:58

It is his fault however I think his time off would have the bigger impact so you should take time off.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 04/03/2015 11:01

Just a mistake, he should have checked the calendar, you should have checked your shifts yourself before agreeing, one of you should have written on the calendar the same day as you agreed it if he normally picks up the DCs on that day of the week. These things happen, you just need to agree who can do it with the least disruption to their work and try and not let it happen again.

SylvaniansAtEase · 04/03/2015 11:04

He should take the time off, rearrange his meeting and you take time off to cover that then.

This gives you a chance to book time instead of appearing flaky by cancelling a shift.

If he has a problem with looking flaky for cancelling the meeting, then next time he shouldn't try and bounce you into a position where you are jeopardising your SET SHIFTS to fit in with his self-employed time management.

That's the real core problem here. Who are the people that really can't be pissed off too much? The ones who pay your wages. Now, you may have lots of time accrued etc., but that is SECONDARY to the fact that your main aim should be - don't look flaky. Don't look unreliable. Don't piss them off.

Of course, he has clients who pay HIS wages and should be trying not to piss them off either. But there is a HUGE difference between shifting a meeting date between two associates and a worker crying off a shift.

He changes the meeting date, and then you both get your heads together so that time off, emergency cover is dealt with so that you both appear as in control, reliable and useful as possible. This is to the advantage of Your Family, PLC.

You have a huge advantage here for your family in that one person is self employed. If your H thinks that arranging his self-determined work schedule to fit in with your shifts is somehow putting himself last, he needs to wake up - the aim is to maximise output and advantage for your FAMILY. Most people are there juggling with no give in either schedule - you have a huge plus here. This kind of thing shouldn't be happening - and neither should you be the one always taking the time off.

Currently, I'm self-employed and my DH in a job where he can use flexi. We BOTH work our schedules to complement the needs of the other as much as we can, so that overall we all gain as much useful free time and longer hours for either when it's needed most. We're lucky - so are you, use it!

HootyMcTooty · 04/03/2015 11:28

It's clearly his mistake and it sounds like he deliberately led you to believe he'd checked the calendar, when he hadn't. However, since it would be easier for you to take the time off, I'd do it on this occasion, but make it clear that if there's a next time he'll have to take the time off.

RandomFriend · 04/03/2015 11:36

OP, did he deliberately mislead you, or did he mis-read the calendar?

Waitingonasunnyday · 04/03/2015 11:42

It is SO easy to make a mistake when you're trying to organise childcare around a shift pattern.

Totally agree with this ^^

No point resenting each other's job demands. A mistake happened but its easy for you to cover on this occasion. What's the alternative - causing DH a needless problem just to 'teach him a lesson'? DH and I have a right old time trying to fit my 'FT often working away or attending events' with his 'FT 24/7 shift cover and unexpected staying on' jobs with childcare, but its not like either of us have awkward jobs on purpose - its just how its ended up.

Cotherstone · 04/03/2015 11:47

Waiting, you sound like you have the same fun we do I spend my life looking in terror at spreadsheets and calendars trying to make sure everything is covered!

waithorse · 04/03/2015 11:57

His fault. He should sort out childcare.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 04/03/2015 12:01

He led you to believe he checked your timetable and that you were free. He could have asked: if you're free, can you do it? Then you would check and got back to him. He clearly signaled he had already checked.

Waitingonasunnyday · 04/03/2015 12:37

yy Cotherstone - I find parents in the same situation 'get it' like no one else. I have a day and a half in April marked NO CHILDCARE while I wait for a solution to appear...

thatsucks · 04/03/2015 13:04

Op has said it's much easier for her to take the time off, it won't have financial or career implications but people haven't read that update.

I think definitely OP should take the time off.

I work FT, my dh is SAHD but also has a business and runs several clubs.

Sometimes one of us drops a bollock.

We don't punish each other or say one has to suffer the consequences on principle!

We just sort it out in the most sensible way.

JacquesHammer · 04/03/2015 13:05

I agree with MaCosta - surely it doesn't matter who's "fault" it is and to really try the whole "their fault, they sort it" seems just like its going to cause resentment.

We know NOTHING about what happened with the OP's partner. He could have rushed and misread. He could have typed "You on an early shift on x date?" - which makes it a question. All the whole "twat" and "he's done it deliberately" are totally unfounded at this stage unless we hear to the contrary from the OP.

If the OP had come on and said SHE had been the one to text, I can't see many people typing "well you did it deliberately you twat".

I separated from MrJH last year. A couple of times he's messed up with contact. He's texted me and said " fuck, I'm not back in time to do pick up". And I could either say "tough shit, your error, you sort it out". Or I accept that we're dealing with a tricky situation, mistakes happen and I say "no worries, I'll sort out pick up today".

Original poster

attheendoftheday · 04/03/2015 13:32

Sorry for disappearing, have been out and about somewhere with no signal.

To answer as many points as I can:

I am sure the wording of my text is exact, because I found it during a rather terse conversation with dp this morning.

Dp is not a twat, I absolutely believe he mis-read the calendar or didn't check properly (glanced and looked at the wrong week I bet).

No, to my knowledge I'm not stupid. My shifts change a lot so I write them down, but don't memorise them several weeks in advance. However, I accept I should have checked them and not accepted what dp said (lesson learned).

Just because I have time owed to me doesn't make it easy to take time off. I'll be letting my team down and others will have to cover my work. I do feel a responsibility towards the ward being staffed properly, also being flaky affects my reputation. I earn slightly more than dp at present, and there have been long periods I've been the sole earner as dp's income isn't always reliable.

However, I accept the majority verdict that I need to suck it up and take the time off, so I'll try to do so.

Thanks for your comments (except perhaps the accusation of stupidity! )

OP posts:

MaCosta · 04/03/2015 13:40

Decaff i didn't say pps had rubbish relationships I said living in such a confrontational way can't be good for anyones relationship. That's quite different.

BathtimeFunkster · 04/03/2015 13:42

I earn slightly more than dp at present, and there have been long periods I've been the sole earner as dp's income isn't always reliable.

Then you're the main breadwinner.

You can't afford to damage your reputation by letting your colleagues and patients down at short notice because your DP was careless reading a calendar.

If the meeting is that important and unmoveable then he's going to have to find childcare for Friday.

Your family's financial security depends on you performing well at work.

Original poster

attheendoftheday · 04/03/2015 15:57

Heroic colleague has offered to cancel her night out to work my shift, so everything's worked out ok.

Thanks for your input everyone.

OP posts:

Marshy · 04/03/2015 16:07

Can you do a swap with one of your colleagues so as not to leave the ward short?

Is there anyone else who can cover the child care?

I wouldn't be wanting to use up my manager's good will on this. There may be another time when you need her to say to leave.

Marshy · 04/03/2015 16:08

X posts with op! Yay for nice colleagues - you owe her one!

diddl · 04/03/2015 16:09

"However, I accept I should have checked them and not accepted what dp said (lesson learned)."

Well I suppose that double checking is never a bad thing over something so important, but unless he does this often, ie misreads not deliberately misleads(!), he is an adult & there was no reason to doubt him!

What a star your colleague is!

What does your husband have in mind for her as a thank you?

Does she have kids?

Perhaps he could babysit when she rearranges her night out??

Marshy · 04/03/2015 16:15

Make sure dh knows when your rearranged shift is - big letters on the calendar!

Jengnr · 04/03/2015 17:39

Bit late here but I think it was an easy mistake to make.

In future though tell him 'I fucked up, can you help?' would go a lot further to fostering goodwill than 'it's your fault, deal with it'.

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