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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Me or dp at fault over childcare cock up? Who should have to take the time off?

101 replies

attheendoftheday · 04/03/2015 07:42

So, dp and I have made a cock up with our childcare and one of us is going to have to take time off work, dp thinks it's my fault and I think it's his.

I am a nurse and dp is self employed. We have a calendar on the wall on which everything is booked. Dp text me (while I was at work and he was at home). Saying "Can you pick the kids up on x date. You are on an early shift. I have a meeting in London." I replied "No problem."

So, x date is Friday. I am not on an early shift, I'm on a late shift, so I can't pick up the children. Dp thinks it is not his responsibility to know my shifts, I think he led me to believe he checked the calendar.

One of us is going to have to take time off. Dp thinks his work takes presidence because he's booked a meeting. I think it's his turn as I've taken the last two times the kids were ill off as he always has "unmissable" things going on, and my ward's already short that shift.

Mumsnet verdict, who's fault is it and who should take the time off?

OP posts:

my2centsis · 04/03/2015 09:31

Even with the extra info the bottom line is he is the one that made the mistake.. He should fix it and not expect you too

HolgerDanske · 04/03/2015 09:37

Ok. That does change things. His error, he should definitely apologise for it and accept that he made a mistake (or wilfully didn't bother to actually check, which is far worse)! But as you would not be dropping people in it at work, and as you have accrued time off anyway, I do think it would be silly not to take advantage of that.

But if he thinks it's acceptable to set you up to have to do things without your permission/agreement, just because he knows it's feasible and because it's better for him, that's not on. Nobody wants to be pretty much tricked into having to do something. I hope it was an honest mistake.

Notso · 04/03/2015 09:39

I think it was DH's fault. He should acknowledge that.

However, seeing as it doesn't seem like a massive hassle for you to get the time off I think you should. Then you have a get out of jail free card in hand.

HolgerDanske · 04/03/2015 09:41

Just noticed your ward is short that evening. No you can't cancel your shift at such a late stage. Even if your manager would give it to you, it's not fair on everyone. I also thought the x day was next Friday so a bit more notice.

I've changed my mind. He's still being very unreasonable to expect you to put your manager and your colleagues out.

So did he not check the calendar at all or did he get mixed up or what? Because if he didn't actually look that's really poor.

MissDuke · 04/03/2015 09:44

If your manager can sort the staffing allowing you take off, and it won't negatively impact on your career or the ward, then I think you should take off. Otherwise he should. Basically, yes it was his mistake, but its done, so at this point it comes down to who can take off and cause the least upheaval by doing so. Can he reschedule, or will missing this mean he loses work? Can anyone else babysit as a one off? It sounds like you are a great team, so would be a shame for this to cause a fall out.

JacquesHammer · 04/03/2015 09:50

I think all the "DP intentionally misled" posts are massive overreactions.

Has no-one ever looked at their calendar in haste and misread it? Because I know I have.

So yes, DP has made an error (and I find it hard to believe it was deliberate given OP has already said he pulls his weight in terms of both childcare and taking time off for sickness etc) but in this instance I would say that the person who can get time off with least impact has to be the one who covers the childcare. What are the implications for DP if he misses his meeting for example?

chunkythighs · 04/03/2015 09:53

Some VERY perfect people on this thread OP! He fecked up! It happens to all of us at some point. I think given that he didn't do it on purpose and that he does his share the 'who should win' element is a bit (just a bit mind) juvenile. You're a team and sometime one needs to do more than the other.

Regardless of fault, the children need to be minded. Relevant questions- Could you (plural) ask your childminder/creche to extend hours? Could you ask a family member or friend to pick up the kids this time?

How many people would cancelling the meeting affect?

You making sacrifices does not mean that he won't owe you!

miniavenger · 04/03/2015 09:54

He should have checked the calendar, he gave the impression that he had and was wrong. Would you have agreed if he hadn't said you were on earlies? If not then that stands. Given that you will be leaving people short-staffed even more, if you can actually get it off then I think DP needs to step up either find alternative childcare or change his meeting.

It's a mistake, but one he needs to rectify. If you both have smart phones i suggest you both sign up to a joint google calendar and put things in there as well.

miniavenger · 04/03/2015 09:56

Ideally if you know of alternative childcare, put that option on the table too.

differentnameforthis · 04/03/2015 09:57

I think all the "DP intentionally misled" posts are massive overreactions.

YY! Assuming the op is stupid & doesn't know her shift pattern. I am surprised that she didn't know/check what shift she was on before saying yes!

Cotherstone · 04/03/2015 10:00

It is SO easy to make a mistake when you're trying to organise childcare around a shift pattern. I generally do the childcare rota, DP does shifts. I've made the odd mistake (poor CM getting DD on her doorstep at 8am when she was expecting her at 12 ).

It happens. It's not great but no one is perfect, and sometimes you get in a muddle with a shift pattern.

I'd say taking sides and apportioning blame isn't ideal. Work out whoever can best take the time off.

csivillage · 04/03/2015 10:03

I find it interesting that the last 2 times they children were ill you took the time off. I'm judging your dh on my dh, but this is exactly his response too. My meeting is unmissable etc. Is this really the case or is it he just perceives childcare as your problem? If so, this is why he is asking you to take time off.

Shesparkles · 04/03/2015 10:05

Does it really matter whose "fault" it is? And I say that as a shift worker.

Surely the parent for whom it is easier to take time off, does the childcare

ragged · 04/03/2015 10:06

If it's no skin off your teeth why can't you take the time off so he can keep his work going well? Or can't you switch to an early shift if your manager is lovely & helpful.

I think this is a reverse. Why aren't you working together to solve this (almost nothing) problem so that no one has to take unnecessary time off.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/03/2015 10:06

Dp text me (while I was at work and he was at home). Saying "Can you pick the kids up on x date. You are on an early shift. I have a meeting in London."

Has he any explanation of why he did this? Told you were on an early that date when you weren't? Because that's the only reason you said you would do the pickup. Had he not said that, you'd have responded that you needed to check your shifts. He was at home with the calendar, you were not.

"Dp thinks it is not his responsibility to know my shifts, I think he led me to believe he checked the calendar."
Weasel words on his part here. Of course he doesn't have to 'know' your shifts, that's what the calendar is for. It was his responsibility to check the calendar to see if you are available to do something. He didn't, but his text DID sound as if he had.

His fuck-up. His responsibility. Even with the additional information of your time owed etc., this occasion is still his fuck-up and his responsibility.

ConfusedInBath · 04/03/2015 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaCosta · 04/03/2015 10:08

This thread is an eye opener for me. So many people seem to approach running a family/household like a competition "his fault, he sorts it out", "he misled you", "its not your problem", "he owes you" mentality. For goodness sake, as a couple you are in a partnership. There is give and take. If a mistake is made you deal with it together by working out the best solution and move on. Life shouldn't be all about point scoring and "owing" anything. I really am surprised that people live in such a confrontational way. It can't be good for your relationships.

Get a grip people.

hotfuzzra · 04/03/2015 10:09

Are your shifts on the wall calendar? If they are marked in I think it's a bit worse, more like he's purposely misled you.
To everyone saying you should know your shift pattern, it's not as easy as that, sometimes they're all over the place and there is no pattern, plus if they're on the calendar and he's told you what you're doing I wouldn't think I needed to check!

Shesparkles · 04/03/2015 10:09

Thank you MaCosta!

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 04/03/2015 10:09

Is it easy for your DH to change or cancel the meeting? Will it potentially affect his career? If not, then it was his error and he needs to reschedule rather than expect you to pick up the slack.

Your ward will be short staffed so it seems unfair on your colleagues to cancel a shift at short notice. Obviously this is a genuine error but it really isn't up to you to change your work arrangements unless the consequences for your DH will be very damaging if he cancels the meeting.

BathtimeFunkster · 04/03/2015 10:15

Dp thinks it is not his responsibility to know my shifts

Well it becomes his responsibility the moment he makes an arrangement with based on his supposed knowledge of your shifts.

Did he make a mistake here?

Because his justification seems to suggest that he lied to you - that he pretended to know you were on an early despute not knowing.

That's really shit.

And if I thought he'd done that there is absolutely zero chance I'd be leaving my ward short staffed to bail him out.

Your job matters, to your, to your family, and to your patients.

You will jeopardise it if you take the attitude that your colleagues and patients need to suffer for your DP's mistakes.

Dietagainmonday · 04/03/2015 10:16

I would defiantly try to get a childminder who can do as and when needed so this won't happen again

cingolimama · 04/03/2015 10:42

MaCosta, I totally agree.

OP, it's as you say a "cock-up" not a set-up. As many posters have suggested, can you not get someone else in to help?

DecaffTastesWeird · 04/03/2015 10:45

MaCosta, no need to get personal! Sorry pps are in rubbish relationships according to you.

I'd rather get a lighthearted ticking off for making a mistake than have my relationship analysed and criticised by a stranger on MN.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 04/03/2015 10:47

Oh come on, of course being a family is a team job - but that doesn't mean when one person clocks up they get to wash their hands of it and let the other take all the consequences (especially when OP is a nurse and the ward will be short staffed!)

The DH needs to grow up and work out how to fix it instead of just assuming OP will take time off. There are plenty of options for arranging childcare or rearranging his meeting and he needs to look into them himself.

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