Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really fucked off with MIL?

84 replies

WasabiPeace · 03/03/2015 07:49

I know, I know. Another Mil one. We get along fine for the vast majority of the time.

She's just called me and caught me on the hop. They're booking tickets for Harry Potter and wanted to know if DH would like to go. I said I wasn't sure as it's something we talked about all doing together (three HP mad children and we're all fans). She asked if she should ring him later and I said just to ring him at work, that he'd probably go with them and then we can go another time.

Oh good, she said. I'll ask him. Oh. It's on his birthday, you don't have any plans do you?

His birthday is in August. It's his 40th. We don't have any plans YET. So I said that and she said, great! I'll give him a call.

And now I can't get hold of him. So he'll say yes because she'll say i said it's fine. And my husband will spend his 40th with his parents and brother instead of his wife and children.

Aibu?

OP posts:
EponasWildDaughter · 03/03/2015 10:59

I thought it was a bit far fetched that the earliest day she could book a ticket for just happened to be his birthday. That sounded like tosh straight away.

Why the lies?

chattterbox · 03/03/2015 11:04

I think she'd planned the whole conversation in advance, she asked you first if DH would like to go, you said yes, she got you to agree to the trip and then right at the end just dropped in to conversation that it was on his birthday. She asked if you'd got plans, she didn't ask if you minded him spending the day with his parents and not with his wife and DCs. It just seems quite calculated the way she asked.

How totally and utterly bizarre for a mother to take her 40 year old son to HP for his birthday, without his wife and DCs!
I understand her not being willing to pay for everybody, but why exclude you? She could have just said that she'd pay for your DH as his birthday present.

YANBU, she sounds like a cow.

oxoxo · 03/03/2015 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeliciousMonster · 03/03/2015 11:16

There are loads of posts about the random grey highlighting...

CrapBag · 03/03/2015 11:25

YANBU.

It's my DH's 40th this year. I haven't heard from MIL about it yet but if she tried this, as soon as she mentioned this was on his birthday, she would have been getting a "no, DH will be doing something with us that day so that won't work."

She has been very underhanded about this, the time she phoned, getting you to essentially agree before saying it was on his birthday, excluding you and the children. She knew what she was doing. Glad your DH said no.

I also don't believe that is the first date they can book. I know it gets booked up well in advance but not 5 months in advance. What an amazing coincidence the first date they can book happens to be his 40th. Hmm

oxoxo · 03/03/2015 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EstRusMum · 03/03/2015 11:47

What a big pile of bollocks from her. I just went to try and could add family ticket for four to the basket for this weekend.

SylvaniansAtEase · 03/03/2015 11:50

Well, it's worked out quite well then actually.

It's definitely an attempt at one upmanship - trying to get a steal on his 40th? Totally out of order. However, what happened? She plotted the best way to get around the very obvious issues with it, as you describe - and found to her very great disappointment that even after she'd checkmated you on the date, and could say to her DS that it was ok with you, he still said no! No wriggle room there - she won't be taking him away from his wife and kids on his 40th because HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH HER INSTEAD OF YOU. Not because 'his wife wouldn't let him.'

So, she's showed her hand to you - fool - and got nothing out of it. Except a very firm message that they don't come first at important times.

Think she's just earned herself a few fewer favours and a bit less inclusion.

Silly MIL!!

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 03/03/2015 11:56

Sorry op but I'm laughing a bit at a 40 year old man going to hp with his mummy Confused Your mil sounds like a right charmer.

BarbarianMum · 03/03/2015 12:26

It's because I'm special Wink

comedycentral · 03/03/2015 12:52

How random of your MIL! I am glad that your DH said no really. What a lie about it being the only available date too. You handled it well OP.

Now you have to make sure his birthday plans are better than the Harry Potter tour!

NadiaWadia · 03/03/2015 14:02

If they are going why wouldn't they ask all of you?

Very odd to expect grown man and father to spend his birthday at what is basically a kids' attraction, but without his DP and DCs, (even if the kids weren't massive HP fans themselves).

Do your PILs have form for this kind of behaviour, excluding you and the DCs? Its as if they still imagine he is their young son living at home, and you are just a girlfriend. Most grandparents would enjoy giving their DGCs a treat. Strange people.

LittleBearPad · 03/03/2015 14:08

Grin at DH going with his mum, dad and brother for his birthday treat. He's 40 not 10.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 03/03/2015 14:24

Maybe your dh should have a quiet word with his dad about getting her assessed to see if she is getting dementia. Grin Yep, that's a good idea Hmm

Anyhow..... I think you're overreacting just a bit here. It's actually a great day out, especially if you're an HP fan. I'm not particularly, but I still really enjoyed it. Perhaps your MiL just wanted to do something nice with her son - crass, though, to suggest it on his birthday. However, I cannot for the life of me understand why you've just got "really fucked off" with her - why on earth didn't you just say that you were hoping to do something en famille on his birthday? That's not being his keeper, it's just asserting yourself. Is that why you're so cross, because you didn't put your feelings across? Anyway, he's not going, so all's well that ends well.

Hissy · 03/03/2015 14:28

Oh. It's on his birthday, you don't have any plans do you?

She did this on purpose - any normal human would ask that question FIRST!!

Call your MIL and undo that arrangement!

What MIL in her right mind excludes her DIL and GC from stuff like this?

EponasWildDaughter · 03/03/2015 14:33

hissy it's ok, the DH said no. There's no arrangement.

I had to laugh at monster's - ''Happy 40th birthday son, do you want an ice cream? Thanks mummy.''

Grin
littlemslazybones · 03/03/2015 14:41

I imagine the op was fucked off because the conversation had been mapped out before she picked up the phone.

Hissy · 03/03/2015 14:44

I skipped a bit... thanks Epona

PurpleCrazyHorse · 03/03/2015 14:45

Worked out well in the end, hooray for DH.

I usually spout the line 'I need to talk to DH first' before agreeing any major plans or those involving special dates/time off work etc. It doesn't commit us to going or not going, just that we need to chat together about it first.

Jux · 03/03/2015 14:53

I've just pretended to book 5 adult tickets. There are hundreds of dates and times available. I could go to orrow if I wanted to, with 4 mates.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 03/03/2015 14:54

Even if they conversation's been mapped out that doesn't mean she can't stop MiL in her tracks, does it? You just take a moment, and decline politely or say you need to check with DH. Anyway, DH has said no, so it's all fine Smile

peggyundercrackers · 03/03/2015 14:55

YABU - as others have pointed out you could have said something different however you effectively said yes its OK - its not your MILs fault.

same with holiday - so what if she booked a holiday when your youngest was due - what does it matter if they are there?

I think you need to stop worrying about other people and make your own decisions.

Original poster
WasabiPeace · 03/03/2015 14:59

I didn't say yes, though, I just said it wasn't up to me. She then went straight to dh and said 'I've cleared it with Wasabi...'

OP posts:
AvonCallingBarksdale · 03/03/2015 15:18

We were just about to leave for the school run and I was totally railroaded I think this is the issue, really. You probably need to find a way of not letting yourself be railroaded. Could you speak to MiL and explain that you were really angry (however you want to put it)? If you can't do that, then have some stock responses up your sleeve for next time, if, as you said, she has past form for this sort of thing. Might be tricky to change her, but you can definitely change the way you react and respond to her, if you want to. But, as you say, DH said no, so fortunately you can all spend his birthday as you wish.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/03/2015 15:50

Firstly, your MIL sounds pretty spiteful. She wanted to annexe your DH for herself on his 40th birthday, despite him having a wife and children that even the dimmest person would expect him to spend his birthday with. So not thoughtless, spiteful.

Secondly - you let her walk over you. Why? You posted "The reason I didn't say a flat no is because I'm not his keeper and I'd feel really uncomfortable about forbidding it or fibbing about plans." Who has made you feel like this? That expressing a preference about your joint life is somehow controlling?

"Oh good, she said. I'll ask him. Oh. It's on his birthday, you don't have any plans do you

His birthday is in August. It's his 40th. We don't have any plans YET. So I said that and she said, great! I'll give him a call."

Again, why did you restrict yourself to 'no, not yet'? What prevented you from responding along the lines of 'No, not yet, but obviously with it being his 40th we will be doing something special for it, we just haven't decided what yet. It's a long way away.'

Sorry OP, maybe she's very good at painting you into a corner; but on my reading you were a bit passive and now are fuming about her, but maybe you should be fuming at yourself a bit? "Dh says I should try to see the good in people more and let it wash over me. " Well, he doesn't get to decide what your reaction should be to being railroaded. Is this why you react to his mother the way you do (letting her away with things) ?