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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told my MIL SIBU over this.

83 replies

IsabellaofFrance · 02/03/2015 14:40

We have a fairly good relationship and I usually bite my tongue over the trivial things, but this is making me quite mad, and is upsetting my DD.

MIL believes that children shouldn't get given anything outside of birthdays and Christmas time. She is generous at these times but only at these times. If this is what she believes then I respect that, but she makes comments all the time about it.

Yesterday DD and I went into town, and as she needed some new leggings we picked some up. MIL tut-tutted when we got home, making comments like 'couldn't she have waited until her birthday (in October Hmm). She then came out with DSIL'S Daughter is always a good girl and waits til her birthday. DD got quite upset as this, mainly at the implication that she isnt a good girl because she grew out of her clothes. I told MIL that she needed to be quiet, that DD is my daughter and I make the rules.

She left soon after without saying goodbye. DH and I have talked about it before and he laughed it off as 'just how Mum is'.

WIBU.

OP posts:
BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 02/03/2015 18:36

A rare and beautiful thing ... a unanimous response to an AIBU

^ Grin Grin Indeed.

MidniteScribbler · 02/03/2015 18:41

What a misery guts.

AnneElliott · 02/03/2015 18:48

USNbU op. My mother thought like this, with the result that I didn't wear my coat one winter as it was too small and I got teased about it.

I have a complex about this now and probably buy DS too many clothes. However, my child, my money means my rules! Tell her to butt out.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 02/03/2015 18:52

My dds birthday is six days before Christmas.

No fucking way am I buying four seasons worth of clothes in a range of sizes just to avoid buying "only for birthday and christmas"

FryOneFatManic · 02/03/2015 19:04

YANBU

I don't buy clothes for birthdays or Christmas, except now that DD is 14, she likes getting vouchers to buy clothes that she wants.

But that's something she wants.

And if she needed necessary items at other times, then I'll buy them.

chocolatescones · 02/03/2015 19:06

YANBU especially as clothes but of course you can buy for children presents at any time if you want to, sounds like she was VU in saying anything to you and your DD

Original poster
IsabellaofFrance · 02/03/2015 19:52

So glad that I am NBU.

DH isn't here (working away) and she has phoned him to explain what happened (whined about my spendthift tendencies probably). He thinks its hilarious but I have told him I 100% do not. I am willing to forget the whole thing as long as she doesn't mention it again. I also think that he needs to get onboard with me and send out the signal that they are our children therefore its our opinions that matter.

FWIW we dont buy alot. We do buy books, and like some other posters we buy craft stuff, but toys are normally left to birthdays and Christmas. The DC's have pocket money to save for things they would like, as I think this is a valuable lesson.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 02/03/2015 19:56

"Oh what a coincidence! My mother is a good granny as she accepts that we are the parents and ave our own way of doing things."

HappyRacer · 02/03/2015 19:59

"Its none of her business you need a stock phrase to repeat."

How about "MIL, it's none of your business!"?

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 02/03/2015 21:17

She's have a heart attack if she spent anytime with me! I love treating my two girls.

Didactylos · 02/03/2015 21:41

She then came out with DSIL'S Daughter is always a good girl and waits til her birthday

its this bit she needs to STFU about: comparing your DD unfavourably to her cousins/invoking a supposed saintly child to make her feel bad

horrible thing to do to a child and it does affect their confidence and relationships with family members who are held up as paragons in this way (no matter how much the comparison is self serving bullcrap from the relative doing the comparing)

mewkins · 02/03/2015 21:47

Crikey, she would have a field day here! Tell her that just because that's how she lives it's not how you and dp have chosen to bring up your dd and that you would appreciate it if she kept her comments to herself in future as you are not interestex in hearing them.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 02/03/2015 21:54

YANBU. We grew up pretty short of a lot of stuff, but DM would NEVER let us look like "tinker's brats, all wrists and ankles".

Mind you, secondary school blazers were bought two sizes too big, but then so were everyone else's.

JADS · 02/03/2015 22:21

YANBU but your dh is. It isn't funny. Her comments about dsil daughter were spiteful. I bet she has a summer birthday.

My birthday is also October so getting summer clothes for the following year is totally impractical. Her argument is ridiculous and could be waved away if she wasn't getting at your Dd.

My mil is aghast at my spendthrift ways. I can feel the judgement rolling off her sometimes when I spend MY money on ds. I really don't care Smile

Unexpected · 02/03/2015 22:25

I bet DSIL's daughter does no such thing as wait for her birthday! Your SIL is probably wise to your MIL's interfering and never tells her when she has bought her daughter new clothes - her DD has probably also been told not to say anything in case MIL kicks off!

BiscuitsofYum · 02/03/2015 22:31

God id love to know what she's say about my ds, his birthday being Xmas day...
Did her dc only grow around their birthday or Xmas? Or did she buy them loads of clothes a size up for their birthday/xmas?
Absolutely ridiculous!

pictish · 02/03/2015 22:43

Tut. What a lemon face.

kickassangel · 02/03/2015 22:50

I remember this as a kid. We only got anything for birthday/Christmas/Easter and often clothes were bought a size too big, so we started wearing them early if other things had worn out, then had to keep wearing them forever.

Otherwise it was hand-me-downs all the way. I was the youngest of 4 cousins and I never got new stuff until I hit my teens.

MIL is prob just carrying on a tradition from her childhood, but that doesn't give her the right to tell you how to raise your kids.

Oldraver · 02/03/2015 23:18

Crikey, I am always buying DS new clothes, even if he sometimes doesn't actually need them

FixItUpChappie · 02/03/2015 23:26

Doesn't matter if you bought her DVDS and diamond jewels - its none of her business.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/03/2015 01:16

"MIL believes that children shouldn't get given anything outside of birthdays and Christmas time."
"MIL thinks that I should buy DD clothes for the next size up for her birthday."

Ah, welcome to my childhood Grin! In the 1960s clothes were considerably dearer (i.e. cost a bigger proportion of income) than they are now, and we had a lot fewer clothes then too. One of my main Christmas presents would be a new winter coat, so thank goodness mum did buy a size up for it to last the rest of that winter and the half of next!

So I can see where your MIL is coming from with her beliefs, but my, my, my - what age is she Confused? I'm in my fifties and wouldn't dream of sticking to that twaddle. All the reasons for it are long gone. Then it was pretty much all most people could manage, but now?

And I fully agree that what absolutely HAS to stop is her saying something stupid that upsets your DD. You were very restrained. Her examples of you spoiling DD were ludicrous.

MrsMook · 03/03/2015 01:20

So under her logic, my DS would have to wait 359 days until his birthday to be eligible for new supplies. If he wanted to own summer clothing, I'd have to anticipate his taste and size 12 months in advance to be able to buy summer stock, store in secret until December, then store for an additional 6 months until the garment is required. By which time DS still hasn't grown, so it either waits an additional year or until DS2 can hijack it.

She's being completely unreasonable.

As long as you buy it, can afford it, and can store it, that's your free choice on what you buy for your children.

dixiechick1975 · 03/03/2015 01:30

Speak to DH when he returns and tell him it is not funny and he needs to tell MIL - it is up to us what we do with our child.

Her comments re cousin are fraught with issues - does she want her grandchild not to eat so she doesn't grow. How to start at eating disorder.

DH can tell her she is the spendthrift wasting money buying clothes in wrong size and not the right sort. You can donate them to charity but you would rather DD had a present she could use.

Children do not grow uniformly. How can you buy summer clothes in October? What size do you buy? I used to stock up in sales for DD. Not so now - she is 9 and has her own taste.

CurlyBlueberry · 03/03/2015 14:13

She should butt out. My son is winter-born and his birthday is after Christmas. I have to buy him some winter clothes around September/October else he would freeze waiting for Christmas or his birthday!

Also in our house books are a necessity not a luxury. I don't often buy toys as the kids have so many (this may change as they get older and learn how to pester. But for now...) but I'll never say no to a book.

ems1910 · 03/03/2015 19:48

She rang him to explain what happened? That you bought your daughter new leggings?

Why?! :/