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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told my MIL SIBU over this.

83 replies

IsabellaofFrance · 02/03/2015 14:40

We have a fairly good relationship and I usually bite my tongue over the trivial things, but this is making me quite mad, and is upsetting my DD.

MIL believes that children shouldn't get given anything outside of birthdays and Christmas time. She is generous at these times but only at these times. If this is what she believes then I respect that, but she makes comments all the time about it.

Yesterday DD and I went into town, and as she needed some new leggings we picked some up. MIL tut-tutted when we got home, making comments like 'couldn't she have waited until her birthday (in October Hmm). She then came out with DSIL'S Daughter is always a good girl and waits til her birthday. DD got quite upset as this, mainly at the implication that she isnt a good girl because she grew out of her clothes. I told MIL that she needed to be quiet, that DD is my daughter and I make the rules.

She left soon after without saying goodbye. DH and I have talked about it before and he laughed it off as 'just how Mum is'.

WIBU.

OP posts:
Eminado · 02/03/2015 15:10

Did you ask her for the money for the leggings?
No?
Then tell her to mind her own business!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 02/03/2015 15:10

"You did it your way with your children and I'll do it my way with mine."

DeliciousMonster · 02/03/2015 15:11

Clothes should not be a present. If you really want to piss on her chips, tell her not to buy your kids clothes for birthdays or Christmas.

Unexpected · 02/03/2015 15:18

I'm not sure what age your daughter is but children grow an awful lot in a year so unless you and your MIL were giving your daughter almost a wardrobe-ful of clothes at Christmas and for her birthday (and nothing else?), then how on earth does she expect your daughter to be dressed? Not sure when your dd's birthday is but how would you even go about getting out-of-season clothes for her at that time?

I'm feeling a bit annoyed on the MIL front at the moment so maybe I'm over-reacting but I would be tempted to send her an email or letter telling her (very nicely) to butt out of this issue, she is your daughter, it is your money, unfortunately she doesn't grow to order at certain times of the year and that she has been needlessly upset at the suggestion that she is not "good" because she is growing healthily.

worksallhours · 02/03/2015 15:22

Were they "fashion leggings", op? Grin

Reason I ask is that my parents' generation seem to have this distinction between "sensible clothes" that you wear on a daily basis (and children wear for "playing out") and "fashion clothes" that are a luxury and you wear for "going out."

Fashion clothes, apparently, can only be bought at birthdays and Christmas. To buy them at another time is somehow wildly profligate and leads to all manner of terrible consequences.

If these leggings were interpreted by your MIL as "fashion leggings", which is likely as the distinction between sensible clothes and fashion clothes does not really exist anymore, then this could be why she thinks what you have done is absolutely beyond the pale.

scarednoob · 02/03/2015 15:25

at the end of the day, you're the parent, not her. even if she thinks she is absolutely right - and for the record, i think she would be alone in that belief! - she should bite her tongue. how would she have liked it, if someone had criticised her when your DH was a little boy, for being stingy and only giving him presents on his birthday? bet that wouldn't have gone down very well!

CaptainAnkles · 02/03/2015 15:27

Fucking ridiculous. Has she never heard of a growth spurt? If her feet suddenly go up a size is she meant to have crushed toes rather than new shoes? Clothes aren't a treat and if she can't see that she's a tool.

WaitingForMe · 02/03/2015 15:28

She's bonkers. I just bought DS some slippers and DSS1 a tiny cross stitch kit (he saw me doing some cross stitch and asked if I'd teach him) but would say I don't buy the kids gifts unless it's Christmas or their Birthday. I don't want any of them to have cold feet and consider craft to be educational. By OP's MIL's standards I'm buying the kids "presents" on a near constant basis.

Pico2 · 02/03/2015 15:28

My DD goes through the knees of leggings. Would I need to dress her in clothes with holes using this logic?

Gatehouse77 · 02/03/2015 16:16

I would challenge her by asking if she thinks your DD behaves like a spoilt brat.
If the answer is no, point made.

But, pick your moment and, if possible, do it in front of your DH so there's no way for either of you to be accused of spin-doctoring

grannytomine · 02/03/2015 16:19

One year my son had a growth spurt and grew more than 8 inches. He would have looked like Charlie Chaplin if we hadn't bought him new clothes. However, he was unreasonable to grow that much so I am sure his granny would have had every reason to be annoyed with him.

Take no notice of her, if you can afford it and want to buy it its your business even if your DD didn't need it.

Discopanda · 02/03/2015 16:30

Your MIL would have a sh*t fit if she met my mum, she's always getting clothes for DD. SIBU and maybe next time it happens somebody should set her straight.

woodwaj · 02/03/2015 16:51

My nana has a magnet on her fridge "love them, spoil them...send them home!" Maybe you should find one for mil...and give it to her for her birthday or christmas ;)

PicaK · 02/03/2015 17:07

She'd have a fit if she knew me. We buy new toys - just for, like, playing with pretty much every time we go to the shops!

3littlefrogs · 02/03/2015 17:13

Clothes are necessities, not treats.

Anyway - part of the fun and pleasure of being a parent is spontaneity.
I used to love buying little treats and surprises for my DC. I still do - if I see something that I think they will like I will just get it for them - and they are grown up now!

Your MIL is making a problem out of nothing OP.

CharityD · 02/03/2015 17:16

None of her business, tbh.

whattodoowiththeleftoverturkey · 02/03/2015 17:20

I have a scarred foot because I was too frightened to tell my DM that my shoes were too small. I also got bullied because my school skirt didn't fit.

No child should feel that they aren't entitled to new clothes when they need them (taking into account family financial circumstances of course).

TheOriginalWinkly · 02/03/2015 17:23

What age does this shite start at? Surely she doesn't think a 9 month old should still be in newborn baby gros? She's a weirdo.

IDontDoIroning · 02/03/2015 17:32

It's none of her business.
You wish to buy your child clothing she needs as appropriate, of the correct size and clothing in the correct season as she grows.

You also wish to encourage your child to read so you buy educationally appropriate books from the school book fair. These are also books she has chosen and wants to read. Most grandparents would love a gc who loved to read and enjoyed books.
Your mil has different views on parenting..... well
1 it's not her money you're spending
2 it's not her child

So it's none of her business.

Your dh should tell her so.

darkness · 02/03/2015 17:39

By her some clothing
but buy it at least a size too small
and tell her
"I know you don’t approve of buying clothes but I saw your old ....whatever...was getting a bit ratty..and yes I know its too small but
now your shrinking with age I bought it too small so you can shrink into it !!!!"

Nanny0gg · 02/03/2015 17:42

I buy my DGC clothes when they grow, or because I see something I like.

I buy them a toy as well as an egg at Easter.

And I buy other stuff (books especially) as and when I feel like it.

Just as I did with my DC.

And one of my greatest pleasures as a child was coming home from school and finding a new book on the chair that my mum had bought me. Just because.

Your DH needs to tell her to keep quiet.

ShadowSpiral · 02/03/2015 17:53

YANBU.

If a child needs new clothes it's ridiculous to make them wait for birthdays / Christmas, especially if the child has a winter birthday. And it's also ridiculous to get a child a full year's wardrobe in the next size up for birthday / Christmas just to avoid the need to buy them clothes inbetween times.

Does MIL buy your DD fun stuff (toys, books etc) as gifts too? Or just large clothes in styles that DD doesn't like?

EponasWildDaughter · 02/03/2015 18:09

A rare and beautiful thing ... a unanimous response to an AIBU Grin

Greydog · 02/03/2015 18:18

Silly old crow - tell her to sod off

Fauxlivia · 02/03/2015 18:24

Even if you were buying her the entire contents of the Argos catalogue, it would be your business and fuck all to do with your mil. She sounds like a reallyght miserable old boot and there's no way I'd be laughing it off. Words would have been had long before now!