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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have a second child because I just don't want to

59 replies

Notpregnantjusttubby · 01/03/2015 21:08

Got called selfish today by a fellow mum when I said I just don't want another child. It's just the honest truth. I've been a SAHM for three years and it's been lonely and hard work financially and mentally and sometimes the only thing keeping me going is the thought that someday I'll get a semblance of a life back. I love dd, she makes me happy and she's more than enough for me - I don't feel like anything is missing. However I'm surrounded by large families and people who really don't understand why one child us enough and seem intent on convincing me that it's the worse possible thing I could do to dd!!

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 01/03/2015 21:09

Not selfish at all.

weeblueberry · 01/03/2015 21:09

I think Id have asked her if it wouldn't have been more selfish to have one when you weren't 100% certain it was what you wanted. Hmm

WorraLiberty · 01/03/2015 21:09

You're surrounded by these people?

That's very odd Confused

It's none of their business

turquoiseamethyst · 01/03/2015 21:09

YANBU

I have never understood the "selfish" argument myself. Not even for a moment!

treaclesoda · 01/03/2015 21:10

The fellow mum is an arse. Can't see why it would be better to bring a child into the world that isn't really wanted Confused.

Ignore her, although I know it is hard, and it stings a bit when ill informed people make judgements on you, no matter how ridiculous they are.

Original poster
Notpregnantjusttubby · 01/03/2015 21:10

I literally am! Have two families living either side of me, both with four children!!

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 01/03/2015 21:10

I was guilt tripped by a mother the other day who looked horrified when I said me and DH probably wouldn't have another baby. She raised her eyebrows at me and said quite harshly that I "absolutely can't have just one!"

turquoiseamethyst · 01/03/2015 21:11

Worra, presumably you are calling the OP's honesty into question.

I have heard the "it is selfish" argument numerous times in real life as well.

parallax80 · 01/03/2015 21:12

YANBU.

Why do people come out with such bollocks? After all, plenty of people have siblings who a) they detest, b) or have health or other difficulties making it hard or impossible to share responsibility for ageing parents (or in fact generate another set of responsibilities). Please ignore this woman and have another child or not based on what you and your partner want to do

Original poster
Notpregnantjusttubby · 01/03/2015 21:13

I have a sibling so I understand all the pros and cons of having one but I'm not sure why they're seen as essential. Surely sane parents who can provide a roof over your head is the number one priority of any child?!

OP posts:
Pinkje · 01/03/2015 21:14

Surely only you (and DH) know so tell her to mind her own business.

In my experience people don't make comments like this out loud in case there are fertility issues.

ahbollocks · 01/03/2015 21:15

Im with you OP. I looove dd, she's amazing but I cannot be arsed with years and years of collic and nappies and being broke and speining thousands on childcare and having to be in five different places at once.

'Right for you, not for me' repeat repeat repeat

parallax80 · 01/03/2015 21:16

And if it makes you feel any better, I had 3 under 2 for a few months including and I was told I was selfish for having such small gaps. (I was especially Hmm as the younger 2 are twins, which isn't really something you plan for)

Ispentitwithyou · 01/03/2015 21:17

I am in exactly the same position as you op s right down to being a sahm. So will be following this thread with interest...

I can honestly say that I have thrown myself into this motherhood thing with every fibre of my being as for me there was no other way. However there is nothing left for myself. I actually really enjoy that in a slightly perverse way as I was very selfish before so feels right somehow... How ever I know I will need to reconnect properly with dh soon...

He also feels our family is perfect and already complete... I also suffered terrible anxiety in pregnancy so that's another reason. Another child would stretch us financially too, and I want to enjoy things if that makes sense? Sorry if I am waffling I've had a drink Grin

A very recent health issue that would mean I would struggle with pregnancy has confirmed it for me I think

RandomMess · 01/03/2015 21:18

I have 4 dc, do what is right for you and ignore them!!!!

If you are happy and fulfilled with one that's great Smile

Notrevealingmyidentity · 01/03/2015 21:23

I'd have told her to go fuck herself tbh. Who is she tht she thinks she can dictate how many children someone else can have ?

It never ceases to amaze me how some people speak to others with such rudeness and also (not you as such OP) that people let them.

cardamomginger · 01/03/2015 21:24

What a load of bollocks. YANBU!!!

Notrevealingmyidentity · 01/03/2015 21:26

I suppose if I was feeling a bit more tactful I may have said don't be so bloody stupid..

ShadowSpiral · 01/03/2015 21:30

Ignore them.

I hate the "selfish" reasoning about having more than one DC. How is it a good thing to have a second child that you don't want just so your first child gets a sibling that there's no guarantee they'll even get on with?

The only good reason to have another child is because you want another child. Having more than one DC can be great, but there's plenty of good things about only children too.

KeepitDown · 01/03/2015 21:31

Not wanting to is a perfectly valid and reasonable reason.

I don't really get the sibling argument either. For one, it's a roll of the dice as to how well siblings get along with each other anyway. Two, having a sibling or not is just nowhere near as big a deal as carrying, birthing, and raising a child or not. Therefore the decision should centre around you anyway, it's your body, and it would have the most massive impact on your life.

Making choices about what to do with your own life is not selfish, at least not any more selfish than we all are.

whatkatiedidnext31 · 01/03/2015 21:37

It's the age old situation of people feeling they MUST put their opinion across, whatever the topic of conversation! ! We all have thoughts and feeling about everything...but if some people had an ounce of tact, they might understand.

I myself have two aged 7&5, and adore watching them grow together, share special times and care for each other as siblings, but on the other hand I can appreciate how everyone feels differently.

Tell your friend to mind her own bloody business!!

MidniteScribbler · 01/03/2015 21:37

I have one DS and absolutely no intention of going for a second. Usually when people start on me I just raise an eyebrow and say "oh gosh no, a second one could be a little turd", with a pointed look at their children. That usually stops the conversation.

munchkin2902 · 01/03/2015 21:39

I hope you told her to sod off.

oldcroneat39 · 01/03/2015 21:40

I was told by a supremely smug cow that having more than one child was selfish because of the planet/ sustainability etc.
I hear she's on a third now.
YANBU. People do say some remarkable bollocks.
Though I am concerned at your semblance of life comment. You have a life now? Are you talking about the loneliness with someone?

Rebecca2014 · 01/03/2015 21:41

Do people actually have the balls to say that? Having another child is a purely personal choice.

I may never have another child, I am just glad I had a daughter first Wink