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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not have a second child because I just don't want to

59 replies

Notpregnantjusttubby · 01/03/2015 21:08

Got called selfish today by a fellow mum when I said I just don't want another child. It's just the honest truth. I've been a SAHM for three years and it's been lonely and hard work financially and mentally and sometimes the only thing keeping me going is the thought that someday I'll get a semblance of a life back. I love dd, she makes me happy and she's more than enough for me - I don't feel like anything is missing. However I'm surrounded by large families and people who really don't understand why one child us enough and seem intent on convincing me that it's the worse possible thing I could do to dd!!

OP posts:

wobblebobblehat · 01/03/2015 21:42

Whatever you choose to do there will be a person out there who thinks you are selfish. Ignore.

Whiteandbrownrabbit · 01/03/2015 21:42

not selfish at all

what does that rude idiot want you to do, have another child you don't want

next time give the cow what for

LemonYellowSun · 01/03/2015 21:44

What on earth does it have to do with anyone else!?!?!?

seaoflove · 01/03/2015 21:45

Obviously YANBU

Having a second child that you actively don't want would be madness.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 01/03/2015 21:48

People really shouldn't make rude comments like that, for all she knows you could have secondary infertility.

threepiecesuite · 01/03/2015 21:48

I have one DD, she's 5. I'll be honest, we have ttc#2 for 3 years with no joy and we are coming to terms with being a family of 3. I was sad for a while, but these days, I can see lots of advantages.

DD had a friend round to play last week, they bickered a little over who was wearing which princess dress, who was having the pink bowl, who had more in their drink. I had a headache by the time she went home and appreciated the peace and calm we have in our little household.

DD has a lovely life. We please ourselves, and she gets loads of time with me and her dad to do homework, craft, bake, play games.

Plus, I'm tired. I'm 35 and the thought of all those sleepless nights again, ugh. And - I was rubbish at pregnancy, it was grim and I felt like crap for 9 months. So, yes, one child rocks, nothing selfish about it at all!

WorkingBling · 01/03/2015 21:49

I have a pretty high tolerance for questions most people consider rude - eg I don't care if people
Ask me if and when I am having more children. But.... This statement people feel ok making, a blatant judgement on your life? Completely not ok.

I would have replied with something like, "siblings don't always get on. I don't think you should judge me so blatantly". I woukd also probably not be friends anymore with such a person either.

RatMort · 01/03/2015 21:52

Yanbu in the least, OP. I have one child by choice, which didn't make me in any way unusual among my (scattered around the world) friendship group. However, currently living in a small Midlands village, I continually get the kinds of reactions you describe, from people I hardly know, despite my quite upfront unimpressed responses. They seem to feel very rebuked by my choice, as if it implicitly criticises their choice to have more. Out of all the many people I've met here in over two years, I've met no one over 25 who is childless, and ONE other person who has one child by choice.

ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp · 01/03/2015 21:53

Yup OP, been there done that got the "mad mum of oh, you have JUST the one?" t shirt.

I'm very happy with DS (now 8) and just never got that "urge" the instinct to have another. toyed with idea when he was 2/3 for a short time but it didn't feel right. So I didnt. So glad. He's fab. and there is absolutely no guarantee that siblings will be there for each other, keep in touch as adults or even get on that well when growing up together.

Do what feels right to you, for you.

wigglybeezer · 01/03/2015 21:54

both my siblings have one child only, they are able to give so much more time and attention to their one than I am to each of my three and they have been able to pay more attention to their own well - being too, it looks like a good idea from where I am! They did have to spend more time playing than I did ( but have not experienced as much squabbling ).

Groovee · 01/03/2015 21:57

You are so not selfish. My friend told me I was selfish for not having more than 2 kids as you should always have more children... Guess which person has 2 kids and isn't planning anymore?

Do what is right for you not what others expect.

elQuintoConyo · 01/03/2015 21:59

Midnite brilliant!

I get asked whether I'm having another quite frequently, dosn't bother me. But, only once was I told something similar to you notpregnantjusttubby towhich I replied, "oh do bore off". I'm usually such a wallflower, but FFS!

WorraLiberty · 01/03/2015 22:02

Worra, presumably you are calling the OP's honesty into question.

Don't be silly

If I was doing that I would have said, "I think you're talking bollocks OP".

Just to clarify, it's not odd to be surrounded by people with large families...just people who are so verbal about thinking the OP is selfish.

As I said, it's none of their business.

Reekypear · 01/03/2015 22:04

You could have, none, one or a hundred. Point is there's always some twat with something to say.

ClockwiseCat · 01/03/2015 22:04

YANBU. I don't understand this urge that people have to interfere in other people's choices. Just what the fuck is wrong with them?

FatSwan · 01/03/2015 22:05

Yanbu at all.

Having a child you don't want because it's "the done thing" and you're keeping up with the Jones's is selfish.

People who comment on family planning need to stfu.

Reekypear · 01/03/2015 22:05

Threepiece...your going to get caught now...lol.

GwenStacy · 01/03/2015 22:16

I've been told I should have another baby so that my daughter doesn't have sole responsibility for caring for my husband and I when we're older. I pointed out I could many more children, and they could move across the country, or world, or die, or any number of things that would mean it fell to one child and was told I was unrealistic.

I agree with you. I love my daughter, and by all accounts she's fairly easy, but my god it's hard work. And lonely. I can't imagine going through pregnancy and having a newborn with a toddler in tow. She's 15m now and I feel like we're becoming a little family team, and I love that. I don't feel I need more children to feel complete - she's completed our family entirely.

Purplepoodle · 01/03/2015 22:18

Some people are weird. I think it's nice to have any combo of children you want if your lucky enough to be able to decide. I have a brood and envy my friend at time who has one child as they do lots of 1-1 activities together, can afford a better standard of living, nice holidays ect, her house stays relatively calm and tidy, if her child is having problems be it homework or something else her mum can give undivided attention. Same friend says she envys me with my houseful as it's always so happily chaotic, dc playing together ect. Horses for courses.

By the way you can have your life back now. There's nothing stopping you perhaps studying, working pt or something similar. I continued to work luckily after having dc as needed something that was just mine

RedToothBrush · 01/03/2015 22:38

She is selfish for trying to make you feel like shit.

We watched a programme on the TV this week. There was a lady with an older child, who then went on to have twins.

However she had problems during the birth and they both ended up with disabilities; one severe.

The impact this had on the older child was awful. He was a lovely kid. I'm sure the younger two do bright great joy to the whole family, but it has come at a high price.

I personally only want one child for a lot of reasons, but the programme really brought it home to me. I think that if you decide to have a child you have to be emotionally committed enough to be able to deal with a scenario where life doesn't stick to the script. And I honestly don't think that I could cope with that.

One is enough for some families.

GokTwo · 01/03/2015 22:47

Agree absolutely with you threepiece. I was very sad at first at the thought of only having one but now we love our small family.

johnnycash · 01/03/2015 22:52

She is rude and ignorant and you should ignore her. I have one because I like being able to have my life back and I can't stand the thought of juggling more than one child. It has been the perfect arrangement for us and I couldn't care less if other people think it's selfish.

I usually try to change the subject now when people ask me about having any more, but for the ignorant few who persist, I put on my best tragic face and tell them quietly that I can't because 'of an operation I had to have'. They usually blush and apologise and don't say much more after that...and I don't tell them that the op was getting my tubes tied

Seekingtheanswers · 01/03/2015 23:39

Having two children is the "norm" in this country. If you choose to have more than two, people will probably tell you that you have too many. If you only have one, you will be told that they need a sibling. I will never cease to be amazed at the sheer number of people who seem to think it is socially acceptable to pass comment on the number of children that you have.

We have one dd. We'd have liked another one, but it wasn't to be, and tbh, neither of us were that bothered about it. Our family feels complete, dd brings us great joy and she is extremely happy as an only child. Other people can butt out and focus on their own families. Their opinions are neither helpful nor relevant to me.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 01/03/2015 23:54

Good god no YANBU.

I have heard people say the same thing, but have always thought it to be total bollocks.

A previous poster is right though, whether you have 0, 1, 6 or 15 there will be always be a smart arse about to tell you how you've done it all wrong .

ToffeeCaramel · 02/03/2015 00:08

Once women reach childbearing age, they are criticised whatever choices they make re number of children or none, formula v bf, sahm v work, discipline too strict/ too lax, school choice, probably hundreds of other things. It's shit.

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