To not have a second child because I just don't want to

[Notpregnantjusttubby]

Got called selfish today by a fellow mum when I said I just don't want another child. It's just the honest truth. I've been a SAHM for three years and it's been lonely and hard work financially and mentally and sometimes the only thing keeping me going is the thought that someday I'll get a semblance of a life back. I love dd, she makes me happy and she's more than enough for me - I don't feel like anything is missing. However I'm surrounded by large families and people who really don't understand why one child us enough and seem intent on convincing me that it's the worse possible thing I could do to dd!!

Ds is nearly three and I remember being in the hospital when I had him and saying to DH, I am done. I have never felt even a twang of broodiness since he was born and I was DESPERATE to have a baby and was convinced I'd want two children. However I had an awful birth and then PND, and I look at tiny babies and think 'how gorgeous' but in a totally detached way. I can't have another baby just to potentially keep Ds happy, my mental health is more important. Does that make me selfish? If so, I'm afraid I am.

I have an only by choice who is now an adult. Been called selfish a few times myself over the years. Couldnt give a fuck. I was not prepared to stretch my limted resources to make other people happy. When going through the teenage years I thanked the lord everyday I would not have to go through this twice.

I have been told by 3 mums that they wished they stopped at one. All of them had adult children. Easy to have rose tinted glasses when you have not experienced the full realm of parenting, by that I mean older children, not just cute 7 year olds. Probably feel safe telling me as they know I understand.

I am very happy I stopped at one and I am happier, my child is happier and I have a stronger marriage because of it. If women were honest about this stuff I believe a lot more marriages would survive and women would be happier overall.

I agree with toffeecaramel. If only the Council of Superior Know-It-Alls could fix the international selfishness tariff: at the moment, it also covers childless women over 30, single women bringing up a donor-inseminated baby, women with 3+ children, lesbian couples with children, working mothers... It's just too confusing.

Thanks all for the much needed reassurance. I just think that often as mothers we have to give up so much for children - our bodies, our freedoms, our money, our jobs/careers. It just seems really harsh to be called selfish for not wanting to be put through it all again.

I don't think it's all bad for my dd. DD's female cousin has just had a sibling born and she spends most if her time in front of the tv while her mum attends to the baby. Not saying that's wrong, I'd probably do the same but I'm glad I have the time and a bit of energy to do more one to one activities with dd. We are all just doing the best we can and doing what is right for us and I hate all the judging.

'Opinions are like arseholes, everyone's got one and most of them stink'.

would be my response.

Love this thread and I have found it very reassuring to read. OP, YANBU - at all. But how rude of your friend (was she a friend?) to say what she did.

We have one child and I've been thinking about the prospect of her being an only because DH's sperm count is zero. DD was conceived through IVF and is biologically his, but it could potentially cost much more money than we can afford to have another - it's not just a case of leaping into bed.

We are happy with one but I sometimes feel guilt/responsibility to have another. A friend said the other day that she didn't want her daughter to be an only child. She knows our circumstances and wouldn't have intended any upset, but it's that kind of pressure and those assumptions that one isn't enough that I find hard.

Sorry to hijack your thread a little but thank you for posting it. I have enjoyed reading the responses - they have helped me feel OK about our situation

Speaking as an only child, I can tell you that there is just one drawback to being an only, and it is this: ignorant arseholes who crap on about how dreadful it is to be an only child.

I had a blissfully happy childhood as an only and would not have it any other way.

Have children because YOU want to have them, not because of someone else's benighted prejudices.

i get called selfish because we chose to have 7. you can't win
but I'm all out of shiny shits to give

if you don't want a second so be it. nobody else's business, it's your life.

How is it selfish?

Selfishness implies a lack of consideration for others, or concern for your own desires and well-being above those of others.

Well, where are the "others" in this scenario? Who are you being inconsiderate to, op?

I would maybe understand the charge if your partner desperately wanted another child to the point of mental anguish and despair, and you said no. Or your child wanted a brother or sister so badly that they were making themselves physically and psychologically ill over the matter.

But, at the end of the day, it is a woman's right to choose whether or not she wishes to engage in behaviours that may lead to conception, pregnancy, birth and another child, so the former examples are pretty redundant really.

Seems to me as though this fellow mum has opened her mouth and allowed a bit of silliness to fall out.

Next time she says you are selfish, ask her why. And if she says you are only thinking about what you want, ask her who else you should be thinking about when it comes to this matter.