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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit 'cat's bum face' about this?

77 replies

bigredtractor · 27/02/2015 20:43

I'll start with a caveat - I know that this isn't really my business, but I can't help but feel bothered by it.

My sister's DH - my BIL - has 2 boys from a previous relationship. They are 7 & 9 yo. They live with their mum and have contact with their dad Fri-Sun every other weekend, plus shared school holidays.

My sis has a job with an early start & a commute so works long hours. On the weekends when they have the boys they'll quite often out a sign on their bedroom door saying that the kids aren't allowed to disturb them before 10am (typically) so that sis & BIL can have a lie in.

AIBU to think that this is quite a long time to expect two quite young boys to entertain themselves for? They can make themselves breakfast, warch TV, play etc so don't have to be in their rooms, just don't have adult company till later on.

To be honest I'm a bit more judgy towards my BIL than sister - its his contact time and (I think) a bit shabby to not spend the early morning with his kids. The lie in is my sister's suggestion but he goes along with it.

If DH & I split and I found out he was doing this to our kids during 'his' time I'd be so disappointed in him. And I feel a bit sorry for them, to be honest. AIBU?

OP posts:
thatsucks · 28/02/2015 12:45

I think the posters who are (rightly) saying children of that age can get their own breakfast and watch telly on their own for a cow;le of hours are completely missing the point.

Those kids will pick up on feelings it's not their home or that their dad is putting his relationship before them. I guarantee it.

It's not a great way for your sister to be acknowledging it's their home and that they don't get to see their dad much and must really miss him.

And yes it really is shabby and sad.

And yes it would be different if this was the kids' parents who they lived with all the time.

Mousefinkle · 28/02/2015 12:47

Ten is a bit late, nine would be more reasonable and I could understand it tbh. They're old enough to get themselves breakfast and have entertainment in the form of the television, each other and I imagine toys or whatever? It's hardly like they're locked in a room with no form of entertainment or food!

But yes, ten is a bit late for my liking but then again I'd consider 8 a lie in nowadays.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 28/02/2015 12:57

BIL should be getting up with his kids or certainly a hell of a lot earlier than 10am. Your DSis can loll about in bed all day if she wants - the children are not there to see her.

In any case they shouldn't need a blinking note on the door! Or are the children incapable of understanding simple house rules?

grumbleina · 28/02/2015 12:59

As a kid I remember lengthy morning hours on my own on the weekends before the parents woke up and it was fine. But the difference is I lived with my parents fulltime - they were up with me on weekdays, then working, and a few hours on weekend mornings didn't make me feel unwelcome or unloved. Plus it was probably good for my independence.

Different if you're not full time parenting, I think. Ten seems a bit late. Eight/nine ok maybe. But ten is a proper lie in, no? It's not as though it's even every weekend - he can have his lie ins on non-contact weekends. Your sister can lie in as long as she likes though!

Momagain1 · 28/02/2015 19:04

Those kids will pick up on feelings it's not their home or that their dad is putting his relationship before them. I guarantee it.

Yes. He is making his bed, so to speak and he will have to lie in it when the children are adults, and prefer to focus on their mother and any partner of hers as their main parents/grandparents, and leave their dad and his wife as sort of second choice, or even NC. ESPECIALLY if there are ever any children with his new partner who are given full access to their parent & step-parent. No doubt he'll will moan quite a bit about how his ex turned them against him.

OP can certainly bring the subject up, but not more than once as it is not her business, sadly. The only thing OP can do besides that is be sure to be a full service aunt whenever the children are included in extended family activities. As adults, my children maintain contact with various step-relatives, even though they are NC with their dad and his current partner. indeed, i am now FB friends with one step uncle, and one of their step mothers!

WhereIsMyFurryHat · 28/02/2015 19:16

Rightly or wrongly, this thread has med me excited about my youngest getting to age 7. Bring on the lie ins Grin

WhereIsMyFurryHat · 28/02/2015 19:16

*made

Purplepoodle · 28/02/2015 19:21

It's the sign that makes it awful. If his boys were free to come in bedroom when they wanted their dad and that happened to be 10am that's grand. You think he would make the effort for 2 days out of 14 to get up when his kids get up and have brekkie with them and leave sil to lie in - would be lovely 1 on 1 time with his boys.

Purplepoodle · 28/02/2015 19:23

My best mate met her partner when his dd was 7 and she still ended up in bed with both of them on the morning. It's actually built them a lovely open relationship as his dd felt she could be exactly the same with her dad as when he was married to her mum

DoJo · 28/02/2015 19:27

Ah, thanks mcarthurspark, that's very kind of you! Unfortunately both my brother and I are no longer in contact with our dad. A catalogue of things like this which made it clear that we would never be a priority for him has led us both to the same conclusion which is that he talks a good game, but has no interest in actually putting himself out for anyone. He used to moan on and on about how heartbroken he was when we all moved out but it was hard to believe when he couldn't even get out of bed to spend time with us.

At the time, I think it must have been harder for my mum to drop us off, knowing that this was what was waiting for us.

OP - I hope your brother-in-law isn't setting himself up for the same fate, but if this is how he is treating them now, then it doesn't bode well. Do you think your sister sees herself having children with him?

IfNotNowThenWhen · 28/02/2015 19:31

10 is only really late if they get up at 7. Ds, same sort of age, gets up about 8 to half 8, and the general rule is that he does t attempt to wake me up (barring emergencies or someone at the door) before half nine on a Sunday. Usually he doesn't, occasionally he does and I don't get cross or anything.
He's been getting his own cornflakes since age 5 or 6, and loves lounging watching TV on a weekend morning, same as I always did.
However, if he stayed with his dad every other weekend I would be a bit Hmmabout the 10 oclock sign, although it's not THAT big a deal really.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 28/02/2015 19:50

Yanbu poor boys. Very cold and unwelcoming. A sign? Who does that?

Original poster
bigredtractor · 28/02/2015 20:49

I think that they would like dc of their own DoJo and I'll wager that she (my sis) won't treat her 'own' children like that.

I like the boys - they're sweet, not without their challenges (frankly what kids aren't!) and like that they're becoming cousins to our DC. I just don't think my sis & BIL realise how that sort of 'order' can be perceived by a child.

Like a few posters have said, its not like its the end if the world & I KNOW that they're v much cared for otherwise, I just think its cold in its nature & a shame for them all.

OP posts:
DoJo · 28/02/2015 21:21

I worry that if they have a child themselves, that will mean that one or both of them will be up from fucking stupid o'clock in the morning, at which point the boys will realise that they can cope without their lie-ins and that they are able to drag themselves out of bed when its their baby. They will spot the discrepancy in their priorities and realise that they were treated as an inconvenience.

On the other hand, it may not bother the boys, it may not even be something that they remember, but I think it's a shame that their father cannot muster up the enthusiasm to see his own kids on their fortnightly visit. If they do have children, do you think your sister will see him in the same light knowing how casually he gave up time he could be spending with his sons just to lie around in bed with her?

DoJo · 28/02/2015 21:21

I worry that if they have a child themselves, that will mean that one or both of them will be up from fucking stupid o'clock in the morning, at which point the boys will realise that they can cope without their lie-ins and that they are able to drag themselves out of bed when its their baby. They will spot the discrepancy in their priorities and realise that they were treated as an inconvenience.

On the other hand, it may not bother the boys, it may not even be something that they remember, but I think it's a shame that their father cannot muster up the enthusiasm to see his own kids on their fortnightly visit. If they do have children, do you think your sister will see him in the same light knowing how casually he gave up time he could be spending with his sons just to lie around in bed with her?

Cunderthunt · 28/02/2015 21:26

weird. Just weird.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 28/02/2015 21:32

A bit shabby. However, I reckon my ex can beat that. He sees our son on average 2-3 times a year. One of the times last year, he sent him to spend most of the day with the father of his new partner's other child as he was taking him out for the day. DS was only with my ex for 2 days!

DeckSwabber · 28/02/2015 21:46

Hmmm... No, on balance I wouldn't like it.

Some kids would be fine with it, others would see a huge demarcation. It could be eater off a dock's back, or it could go really deep.

Some small adjustments could make it softer - 'I'm tired - wake me up at 10, help yourself to the croissants!' And make sure the children know they can knock if they need anything.

ThePinkOcelot · 28/02/2015 21:48

Lazy and shabby. He can have a lie in every other weekend!

squoosh · 28/02/2015 21:49

The getting their own cereal/watching cartoons by themselves is fine. Signs on doors though telling them they're not to disturb their father till a specified time is cold and unwelcoming.

WyrdByrd · 28/02/2015 22:23

I think it depends on the kids and particularly what time they normally wake up.

My DD is 10 and invariably up before me even on weekdays Blush . Last week she amused herself quite happily for a few hours as I'd had a 5am bedtime due to raging insomnia.

That said I think both days every weekend and putting a sign on the door is a bit much.

ARoomWithoutAView · 28/02/2015 22:32

Not sure why he wouldn't want to get up every other weekend to maximise his time with them. He wont get it back.

rosierainbow1 · 28/02/2015 22:37

The sign is weird, and this is strange to do if you hardly ever see them, but I see nothing wrong with having lie ins whilst the children play. Ours sit in the living room and we do it,and I doubt they will be scarred for life.

YvesJutteau · 28/02/2015 22:44

I don't think it's "a long time to expect two quite young boys to entertain themselves for" but I am surprised that he doesn't want to maximise his time with them. It would make sense for your sister to have a lie in while your BIL does something with the boys.

maninawomansworld · 01/03/2015 17:18

YAB a bit U to be all judgey about it.
You don't have to agree with it nor do anything similar with your own DC's but it's hardly neglectful is it?

DW and I have a rule that no children are allowed in our room in the morning unless it's past 9 am OR there is a problem. Plus there is no noise making until 10am.
In practice we're usually up anyway but on the rare occasion that a lie in opportunity presents itself I don't want the kids ruining it.