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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit 'cat's bum face' about this?

77 replies

bigredtractor · 27/02/2015 20:43

I'll start with a caveat - I know that this isn't really my business, but I can't help but feel bothered by it.

My sister's DH - my BIL - has 2 boys from a previous relationship. They are 7 & 9 yo. They live with their mum and have contact with their dad Fri-Sun every other weekend, plus shared school holidays.

My sis has a job with an early start & a commute so works long hours. On the weekends when they have the boys they'll quite often out a sign on their bedroom door saying that the kids aren't allowed to disturb them before 10am (typically) so that sis & BIL can have a lie in.

AIBU to think that this is quite a long time to expect two quite young boys to entertain themselves for? They can make themselves breakfast, warch TV, play etc so don't have to be in their rooms, just don't have adult company till later on.

To be honest I'm a bit more judgy towards my BIL than sister - its his contact time and (I think) a bit shabby to not spend the early morning with his kids. The lie in is my sister's suggestion but he goes along with it.

If DH & I split and I found out he was doing this to our kids during 'his' time I'd be so disappointed in him. And I feel a bit sorry for them, to be honest. AIBU?

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 27/02/2015 21:09

I think the sign is a bit hostile, but my oldest are a similar age and they're perfectly able and happy to put the telly and get some cereal for themselves of a Saturday.

They're not banned from coming in and talking to me tho, but I don't guarantee them a warm welcome if it's too early.

Cherrychocolate · 27/02/2015 21:09

The sign is a bit odd, but at 7 and 9 I think it's ok to leave them to it for a while.

I agree with you though, that I wouldn't be too pleased if I was the mum in this situation.

AwfulBeryl · 27/02/2015 21:18

Am i the only The one that thinks the sign is a good idea ? Am I being unrealistic in thinking they might be able to bring a cuppa up at 9:50

Original poster
bigredtractor · 27/02/2015 21:24

I guess mcarthurspark has hit on why it makes me feel sad for them.

I love a lie in as much as anyone - but DS is always welcome in our bed for a snuggle early doors. Admittedly he's younger but (I'm assuming) most of us commenting on this are seeing it from the resident parent's point of view, where we see our kids every morning. In that context, fair enough.

But BIL (&my sister) only has the chance to see them twice in the morning every 14 days and is basically telling them to amuse themselves for one of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
bigredtractor · 27/02/2015 21:25

Ha AwfulBeryl your nickname obv suits you ;-)

OP posts:
AwfulBeryl · 27/02/2015 21:31

Grin why thank you.

usualsuspect333 · 27/02/2015 21:31

A couple of hours in the morning is hardly all day.

GingerLDN · 27/02/2015 21:35

Would it maybe be awkward to have them in for snuggles with your sister not being a parent - it wouldn't bother me but it's the kind of thing I can imagine some people bothering about. Or maybe they're doing what adult couples do. I don't think a once a week lie in is unreasonable if they're working all week. 10 isn't late. Also, I liked getting my cereal and putting my cartoons on in the morning if nobody was up, they maybe enjoy it!

BestZebbie · 28/02/2015 00:18

Yeah....it strikes me that they have sex on that morning every week and the sign makes them feel more secure that they wont get interrupted.

AwfulBeryl · 28/02/2015 07:47

I used to like getting up and making my own breakfast too, it was nice to have a bit of no adult time before they got up.
It might make the dc feel unwanted, it might not, it might make them feel they're trusted enough and "at home" so they don't have to be with an adult fro a couple of hours in the morning.
I agree that they're probably shagging, and have decided a sign on the door is better than "What was Dad doing to Red's sisters bum ? "

TwoOddSocks · 28/02/2015 10:56

I'm with you. Seems like it would be perfect for your sister to have a lie in while BiL gets up and has a special father-sons breakfast or just hangs out with his sons. Especially since he only sees them every other week. Putting up signs seems particularly unwelcoming, especially since it's not "their" house and should be made to feel especially at home.

Branleuse · 28/02/2015 11:00

its a bit shoddy but i dont imagine theyd be psychologically damaged or anything.

teenagetantrums · 28/02/2015 11:05

Well when my two where that age, I would not get up till 10/11 on a Sunday, but they could come and get me if they wanted, they were quite happy watching tv and eating breakfast, playing, and I normally took them out in the afternoon. I suppose if I wasn't with them every day I would have wanted to spend time with them,but after a week of me working and them at school they were happy to relax, I was happy to sleep and I really didn't want to get up just to watch power rangers with them. Children do not need adult interaction 24/7.

Bluepants · 28/02/2015 11:07

It is crappy. If sis and BIL were seriously sleep deprived then ok to do the sign occasionally but seeing as they boys are with their mum for about 80% of the time, it seems odd and uncaring. My nearly 9yo got into our bed this morning. Those boys are still little.

Plus 7yo and 9yo probably awake by 7.30 so 2.5hrs+ of unsupervised/uncared for time is a bit much. I know plenty that age who would get up to serious mischief!

Totality22 · 28/02/2015 11:11

It's very shitty. I hope they get up one morning and find the poor boys have been entertaining themselves by trashing the house!

ragged · 28/02/2015 11:13

Given he only has the boys every other weekend I agree it's completely crappy. But it's only 2-3 hours of crappy so I would keep mouth shut.

ChoudeBruxelles · 28/02/2015 11:17

Ds nearly 9 will happily entertain himself for a couple of hours while we have a lie in at the weekend.

ElsaLitcha · 28/02/2015 11:22

It is crappy. Youd think someone who has less time with their child would be itching to spend time with them.

DoJo · 28/02/2015 12:04

My dad used to do this to my brother and me. It drew attention to the fact that he was significantly less bothered about seeing us than we were about seeing him. We would go over there all excited about spending time with him and then have to waft around the house for a couple of hours waiting for him to feel the same way about us. We didn't love the freedom, and it didn't make us feel grown up or trusted, it made us feel unwanted and unwelcome.

I do think it's very different from a similar situation with children that you live with.

Momagain1 · 28/02/2015 12:10

My kids lived with us, and would not have noticed us not being up if they had TV to watch and games to play.

I suspect the request probably follows them being interrupted. The adults dont want a lie in, they want privacy.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 28/02/2015 12:22

Its distictly unwelcoming. Thankfully they live with their mother.

mcarthurspark · 28/02/2015 12:23

"We would go over there all excited about spending time with him and then have to waft around the house for a couple of hours waiting for him to feel the same way about us."

:( Dojo. This is exactly what I was trying to say earlier. Sorry that's how it was for you and your brother :(

DixieNormas · 28/02/2015 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morelikeguidelines · 28/02/2015 12:36

Their dad should be getting up with them, not your sis. If he said don't wake me before 8 that might be reasonable as they are old enough to entertain themselves for a while.

DirtyDancing · 28/02/2015 12:43

Very simply it's one of those horrible childhood memories those kids are going to end up having for the rest of their lives IMO. @We waited 2 weeks to see Dad and he used to hang a sign outside his door saying we weren't welcome. We used to wait 3 hours until he would get up and play with us". Shame. Really uncaring. If he has them every other weekend- then he gets a lay in every other weekend when they are not there.

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