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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have wanted to give this woman £20?

93 replies

saltnpepa · 26/02/2015 18:24

There was a woman in front of me in the queue in the supermarket with her two children and she was asking the cashier to put things back and then was working out what food items she could swap to keep in budget. She explained to the cashier that she needed to keep the shop under £40 and I could see she was watching every penny of that shop, putting back eggs and swapping them for bread etc. She held the queue up and I think she felt uncomfortable about that and all the time her 2 children waited with a bar of chocolate each to see if there was money left at the end of the shop to afford the chocolate bar.

I remember my own mother struggling like this at the supermarket and I know how canny this woman has to be to make her shop last and to manage money. I could tell she wasn't just budgeting, rather that they really didn't have much money. At this point in my life I can spare £20 and so I got £20 cash back after my shop and wanted to go and give it to this woman. I was going to say to her that I remembered my Mum struggling a bit with money and that I just wanted to give her £20 to buy whatever she wanted with. I saw her outside the supermarket but I didn't give her the money. I worried she would be insulted, that her children might worry, that she might be ok with her situation. So for all those reasons I didn't but if she needed £20 she might have been happy with that gift from a stranger.

OP posts:

yomellamoHelly · 26/02/2015 18:27

That's so sad. Remember my mum doing this. Every last penny accounted for. Would have wanted to do the same as you.

123upthere · 26/02/2015 18:27

Why didn't you? Instead you go and write an epic post on mumsnet? Instincts are there for a reason

cleanmyhouse · 26/02/2015 18:27

I would have wanted to do the same but would have worried about offending her too.

Maybe in an envelope with a note explaining so you don't have an awkward moment.

ahbollocks · 26/02/2015 18:28

She should have added up as she went along really. Im not great at maths at all so if its tight I literally have to add up with my phone as I go round.

AmyElliotDunne · 26/02/2015 18:28

It's a tricky one isn't it. I think you probably did the right thing tbh. As hard as it is for her to have to manage on such a tight budget, accepting a hand-out from a pitying stranger, while helping out with the practicalities, wouldn't have made her feel very good about herself. If anything, I might have offered to buy the chocolate for the kids if she hadn't been able, but even then, you run the risk of her being offended or upset by the gesture and making the kids upset too.

Sad but safer to stay out of it I think, but the thought was a lovely one.

mytartanscarf · 26/02/2015 18:29

Yes, she really should have added up - sorry if it sounds a bit brutal but giving children chocolate to hold to 'see if there's enough money' does make me think she was hoping someone would give her the money.

Cynical I know but it happens a lot.

Cobain · 26/02/2015 18:35

I learnt to be very good at mental maths having to shop with my mother with limited money, I would of probably gave the money to the children as although at times she would of needed help she would have been mortified by the gesture but giving to children seems better. But that's hindsight.

partialderivative · 26/02/2015 18:38

Im not great at maths at all so if its tight I literally have to add up with my phone as I go round

Aren't you assuming everyone has a phone, and that this phone will act as a calculator?

HereIAm20 · 26/02/2015 18:38

A friend of mine once saw someone putting a few items aside because she had gone over her budget. My friend paid for her shopping and the woman reacted (positively) as though she had won the lottery and was very grateful. It was affordable for my friend and gave her a feel good feeling for a good while. A small random act of kindness is not harmful.

Hathall · 26/02/2015 18:42

I would have offered to pay at the till. If she didn't want to accept she would have said so.
I offered some money to an old lady once who looked like she was struggling to pay but she politely refused and insisted she had the money somewhere. She rummaged atound in her bag and did have the money.

MrsPeterQuill · 26/02/2015 18:44

We never had much money growing up so my mum went round the supermarket with a calculator (before the advent of mobile phones). She would have been mortified if someone had given her money at the checkout.

I'm in the cynical camp, I'm afraid.

26Point2Miles · 26/02/2015 18:47

that's nice of you op. I'd feel the same about offering it too though.

my dad once 'pretended' to find a tenner on the floor and handed it to me saying,'look what I just found'....I'd seen him do it,but I pretended not to

Wherediparkmybroom · 26/02/2015 18:48

I have done this, having had my turn at the walk of shame at the checkout and been helped out by a stranger I just explained and said I was passing on a good turn!

Koalafications · 26/02/2015 18:53

I would have been tempted just to say "oh I seen you just drop this money" and hand her the £20 but I would be scared she would be embarrassed or offended.

My mum watched pennies when I was a child but I not remember her having to put shopping back. I really feel for that lady.

PurpleSwift · 26/02/2015 18:57

I can't say it's strikes a chord with me. I'm not starving but I live month to month and it's pretty common to spend my last £20 on food until pay day a week later. We don't go hungry though. Sounds like she just wasn't counting up her total as she went around the shop.

ahbollocks · 26/02/2015 18:58

Im not trying to sound unsympathetic, ive actually been there trying to buy myself food for 3 days with 1.20 left. Its really shit but you have to get smart fast.
Maybe she normally has more money to spare (ie has left her card at home pr whatever)and thats why she had been disorganised.
I have paid fpr someone's shopping after her card was declined and she dropped into my work with the money a few days later so I'm not a total monster ;)

Fairylea · 26/02/2015 19:00

It's sad how so many people are struggling at the moment. We are struggling too but not as bad as some.

The other day I overhead a mum with her toddler ish daughter in the supermarket by the eggs and the daughter was asking if they could have boiled eggs for breakfast. The mum said no they couldn't afford that, there wouldn't be enough eggs for dinner. An egg should be something everyone can afford to eat whenever. It's hardly smoked salmon.

I get very annoyed when people moan about food banks and think there isn't a real need for them. It's these type of families who need them.

Luckystar82 · 26/02/2015 19:02

She should have shopped at Waitrose....before you all laugh at me my budget for shopping is also £40 per week and £60 on alternate weeks as money is tight due to commuting and housing costs. It is only me, DH and cat though so not in same league as this lady.

Waitrose have a self scanner system so you can keep an eye on your expenditure. I found we spent much more in Asda/Sainsburys/Tescos (our only options round here). Waitrose is less expensive as I am careful what I buy. For example eggs are 6 for £1 and have been for ages. I also look for reductions. Always buy cheapest apples. Buy bananas.

I would really struggle to keep in budget without the scanner system waitrose offer.

Shopping online is also an option to keep costs down, although of course there is a delivery charge.

Mrsstarlord · 26/02/2015 19:04

I once paid for someones fuel in a garage, he had forgotten his PIN number and was clearly mortified so when it was my turn (I was behind him) I just asked the cashier to let me pay for his and mine at the same time (he was waiting for the manager) and went to walk out but she told him really loudly that I had done it. He was very grateful and I just said 'do something kind for someone else one day'.

I am a big believer in random acts of kindness, pass it on, suspended coffees etc and used to sit and think 'I want to help them' but was too scared of the reaction - have never had a bad reaction yet.

If you think you want to do it, just do it.

ARoomWithoutAView · 26/02/2015 19:09

I have done this. Sometimes it is accepted and sometimes it isn't. But you can't really second guess the recipients emotions so better to do what you feel. Gift horses can be looked in the mouth and its OK to be rebuffed. I have been away on business for a few nights, but am on my way home now On the second morning on leaving my hotel room to go to meetings I left a tip for the room cleaner on the side. When I got back in the evening it was still there. I guess they don't take tips until final checkout in case a guest accuses them of stealing. But this morning on final checkout I left the exact money on the bedside table for one hour of minimum wage as a tip. I thought today it will be double wages! I don't know if the cleaner knew why I had done that or not, I wont ever know. It just feels a nice thing to do.

SoupDragon · 26/02/2015 19:10

I think I might have bought the things she had had to remove at the check out rather than given her money.

cleanmyhouse · 26/02/2015 19:14

Random acts of kindness are where it's at.

I'll never forget the few times in my life where a gesture from a stranger really helped me and have always been really conscious of passing that on. Nor will I forget the gratitude when I have.

My mum struggled desperately as a single parent in the 80's, as have I. If you can offer someone something that will make the world of difference, and have little or no impact on your purse, I say do it.

I'm really disappointed by the cynics. I'm a staunch athiest, but for want of better words, there but for the grace of god go I.

Izzy24 · 26/02/2015 19:14

Did the children get their chocolate bars at the end?

DueOct30th · 26/02/2015 19:15

OP I really feel for you. This happened to me 3 years ago on Xmas eve, I was buying branded OJ and sparkling wine to make Buck's Fizz as well as loads of other shit that we didn't need. The two people in front of me were buying an economy chicken and potatoes etc I guess for their Xmas dinner. I got a £20 note out of my purse to give to them but worried I would insult them didn't give it.

I will always regret not giving that couple the money, always. It did make me realise how extraordinarily lucky I am to be able to afford all the basic things, and if I couldn't im lucky have the support network of family and friends who would help me out. Maybe they were happy with what they had but they could have given the money to charity/ bought a pressie/ a bottle of wine.

From the other side a friend of mine recently had twins and a man in a restaurant said to her he remembers having young kids and wished her good luck with everything when she took her babies out of the pram to get them back in the car a 50 pound note fell out, obviously the man put it in the pram. She was not offended at all and it made her day that someone would be so kind! We are too worried about offending in this country.

Thumbwitch · 26/02/2015 19:17

Was she directly in front of you? I would have offered her the money at the till. Or, if you'd rather have been more subtle, I would have paid for all the things stacked up ready to go back to the shelves and then given her the bag.

A lovely stranger in front of me at the till once spent over £200 in Tesco, and then said to me "Do you have a Tesco clubcard? I don't, so you can have my points if you want" - not the same as £20 in hand, but still worth some money to me! So kind of him.

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