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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have wanted to give this woman £20?

93 replies

saltnpepa · 26/02/2015 18:24

There was a woman in front of me in the queue in the supermarket with her two children and she was asking the cashier to put things back and then was working out what food items she could swap to keep in budget. She explained to the cashier that she needed to keep the shop under £40 and I could see she was watching every penny of that shop, putting back eggs and swapping them for bread etc. She held the queue up and I think she felt uncomfortable about that and all the time her 2 children waited with a bar of chocolate each to see if there was money left at the end of the shop to afford the chocolate bar.

I remember my own mother struggling like this at the supermarket and I know how canny this woman has to be to make her shop last and to manage money. I could tell she wasn't just budgeting, rather that they really didn't have much money. At this point in my life I can spare £20 and so I got £20 cash back after my shop and wanted to go and give it to this woman. I was going to say to her that I remembered my Mum struggling a bit with money and that I just wanted to give her £20 to buy whatever she wanted with. I saw her outside the supermarket but I didn't give her the money. I worried she would be insulted, that her children might worry, that she might be ok with her situation. So for all those reasons I didn't but if she needed £20 she might have been happy with that gift from a stranger.

OP posts:

Mousefinkle · 26/02/2015 21:08

You use a calculator (either on your phone or a regular calculator) or you tot it up in your head as you go or write it down on a piece of paper and add it all up. Take note of how much basics cost and estimate before you leave how much your list will cost. It's life skills really... Sorry, also on the cynical bench.

Laquitar · 26/02/2015 21:11

I believe in insticts, so you know if you felt she was genuine. We can notfeel that on the internet.

What i did once in a similar situation is i gave her the money in private after the till. saying: when i was short of money at the till last year someone gave me 20 pounds and told me to 'repay' it by giving it to someone else when i do have money. If you dont need it please give it to someone else'. And i left. And she smiled.

I have no idea if it was the right or wrong thing to do, it was just what i felt that moment. I didn't feel like a fool, if i have been a fool thats ok. I 've done more stupid things.

mytartanscarf · 26/02/2015 21:12

i do think its daft - although obviously respect your right to do it.

Like most people I have been very short of cash and unpleasant as it is it is not the same as starving.

The image of the two children waiting with the chocolate just absolutely repulsed me. I'm trying to work out why I am reacting so strongly to that and I think because it's mawkishness at its absolute peak.

meisiemee · 26/02/2015 21:12

When I shop I add up roughly as I go around do not shocked with a £60 Bill when want to spend £40...

WorraLiberty · 26/02/2015 21:13

I find this strange.

Most people I know (myself included at one time), would place the most important items on the conveyor belt first, and ask the cashier to stop ringing them up as soon as they reached £40

Simple.

SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit · 26/02/2015 21:14

When I see all the cynical people, I can't help but think they're too scared of getting caught out, or cheated, or whatever you want to call it. We've all been caught out at one point or another, and I hate that sick feeling of dread and then anger at yourself for being so stupid. I've felt that.

I would still rather take a chance on doing some good in a situation like this, even though I'm opening myself up to that horrible possibility that I misjudged everything. It rarely happens.

SaucyJack · 26/02/2015 21:18

Sounds like she was trying it on to me. Far too cynical and far too poor meself to bleed my heart out about it.

Get a calculator and stop showing yourself up, woman.

IME the worst sort of people for doing this are the shameless, entitledees who've spent all their money on clothes and take-away. Truly poor people try not to draw attention to it.

MillieH30 · 26/02/2015 21:20

I also think it's strange that the mum gave the children chocolate bars to hold - why do this and risk their disappointment? Seems even odder when she was putting back essentials.

However, it's really sad that the mum was in this position and I would have wanted to offer to buy the children the treats. I think you should have offered her the £20, in a "Id like to give you this for the children" sort of way, and risked rejection.

Did the children get their chocolate? I do hope so.

mytartanscarf · 26/02/2015 21:20

It's nothing to do with that for me.

What I hate is the fact there are people genuinely in need, and you won't see most of them as many are elderly or disabled. I care for a lady in her 40s who never leaves the house. It's horrible.

Before I started my job I wouldn't have known there were people in this country who have to sit in their own shit and urine between care visits. I wouldn't have known the utter squalor people live in - or if I did I would have thought it rare.

"Food" poverty is one thing - I do feel food banks miss the point a bit - but it is easily dealt with in some ways, someone needs food, they eat.

There's a mega difference between your mum running low and eating some weird combinations of food (and no eggs apparently) and the pity party everyone in the shop was invited to with big mournful eyes staring over chocolate.

I've no idea how great this woman's need was but £20 won't solve things. Far better to put that money into organisations committed to trying to turn things around. I think for some they want that feeling that they personally altered things. It reminds me of a game I used to play as a kid where I 'saved' a child from an awful fate in a Victorian workhouse!

mytartanscarf · 26/02/2015 21:22

Yy saucy!

DontDrinkandFacebook · 26/02/2015 21:23

Didn't she have a calculator on her phone?

ahbollocks · 26/02/2015 21:23

I agree saucy ive been totally broke but I'd be sneaking through the self service with my 2 quid goodies.
I honestly think this woman is probably not usually short of cash, hence the not tallying/over spend.
It is wonderful that kind people exist in the world, mrsstarlord particularly those with excellent taste in men ;)

DontDrinkandFacebook · 26/02/2015 21:23

And I agree with saucyjack

ashtrayheart · 26/02/2015 21:27

When I'm really really tight I use self service and loads of small change to bring down the bill.

StormyLovesOdd · 26/02/2015 21:28

A stranger did this for me once.

It was my DD 2nd birthday I was skint and when I was at the till I didn't have enough to buy the birthday cake, I was scatting through my purse trying to get enough together and the lovely lady behind me in the till taped me on the shoulder and gave me £5 so I could buy the cake. It was so kind of her and I was so grateful I cried, the lady cried and the cashier was even wiping away a tear.

I have never forgotten it. This is the kind of thing that restores your faith in human nature.

listsandbudgets · 26/02/2015 21:29

Maybe you will see her again OP.

I've told this story on mumsnet before but will tell it again. My mum was on benefits for a while after my dad left and really struggled for money. There were 3 of us and I was the oldest at 5 then there was my 3 year old brother and 1 year old sister.

We were shopping one day when my brother saw a huge chocolate cake. He kept asking for it but my mum had to refuse. He asked 2 or 3 times then gave up. He didn't make a fuss but he did look sad.

A few minutes later a member of staff walked up to my mum with a carrier bag and said "a lady paid for this at the check out and said it was for your children and she hoped they'd enjoy it." The cake was inside.

We never found out who that lady was but how we enjoyed that cake. I retell the story occassionally on the internet hoping one day she'll see it and know how appreciated she was (though it was nearly 35 years ago now so the chances are fairly low)

Original poster

saltnpepa · 26/02/2015 21:32

She put back eggs and gave the children their chocolate. I think she was a nice person.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 26/02/2015 21:36

...... !

I think we should stop being so quick to assume everyone is trying to pull a fast one or isn't managing their money properly. Some people are really just bloody unlucky and struggling at the moment.

mytartanscarf · 26/02/2015 21:39

It's her money fairylea; she can spend it on what she wants.

However buying children chocolate instead of eggs perhaps isn't the most sensible move; nor is doing the adding up at the checkout or having children hold food they may not be able to eat.

I'm a GREAT person; I'm shit with money though No one however should be handing me £20 at the checkout!

QuintessentiallyInShade · 26/02/2015 21:40

Hopefully you see her again, and wont hesitate.

I remember ages ago, in Budgens in Angel, a very tatty looking old man came in to the shop. He was in front of me in the queue. He had selected a small carton of milk, some fresh rolls, and single packs of cheese. He had a tatty old £5 note, that was not entirely whole.

The check out assistant refused his money. He looked so embarassed as he went to put the items back. The manager saw it, and said to another member of staff "Go fetch those items he replaced, we need to throw them away, as he was filthy". They binned the food that he had touched rather than let him have it.

So I bought them, along with a bag of rolls, followed him up to another street, and placed the food next to him as he sat on the street.

That was the last time I shopped in Budgens.

It gets easier when you have done it once.

Similar with a woman buying baby food and toilet paper in Costcutter, she was a few pennies short, and was ever so grateful for a 50 p coin.

It made my sons day when I bought lunch for a beggar sitting outside a shop in freezing Norway, mid winter. It was just some juice, and pizza slices from the hot counter, but it made him very happy.

Bluetone · 26/02/2015 21:44

I wouldn't like to offend someone unintentionally.

I always add up the shopping as I'm going. If somethings say 80p I round it up to the £. Always a nice surprise when the total is cheaper than I thought at the checkout.

mytartanscarf · 26/02/2015 21:46

I do too blue

For the cynics - my brother OFTEN claims to be a few pence under and always gets someone offering to pay for him.

He is also banned from one local shop as he asked to be let off a penny so often!

Bumpkin2 · 26/02/2015 21:47

I find it really odd that she left the children holding the chocolate, it just seems really mean.

NeedABumChange · 26/02/2015 22:19

If she was was canny and budgeting then she'd have added up her shopping as she went around the shop instead of standing at the queue with her poor hungry chocolate holding children. She would have already planned her meals and would have told the children no way was she wasting 3% of her weekly shop on a quick snack.

Sounds to me like she was hoping someone would get bored of waiting and offer to pay.

DutyFruity · 26/02/2015 22:21

I wouldn't offer someone money at a checkout tbh because of a recent experience I had.

I was in Tesco with the dc a few weeks back. We'd got a few bits which came to about £30. Got to the checkout, pulled my debit card out and realised it was for the joint account, which I was pretty certain was empty (we only use it for bills and it's empty-ish for 2/3 of the month). My sole account had plenty in...it was payday! I didn't have my phone on me so couldn't even call the bank and do a quick transfer from my account to the joint account.

As I realised, the cashier was reaching for my card, so I handed it over, crossing my fingers that there was more in there than I thought. The bloody thing declined.

I'm shit in these situations, so blushed beetroot, apologised and said I'd brought the wrong card, my money was in my other account and I'd have to leave it...it sounded completely 'the lady doth protest too much' and I could practically feel the sympathetic eyes of the queue of people, and the cashier

As if it couldn't get any worse, a man behind me said 'hey...let me' with a kind smile, holding out his credit card. I stuttered and said thank you, but there was really no need, I just needed to nip home to get money and would come back.

He insisted, I again politely said there was really no need and he said 'no please let me...I don't want to see kiddies go without'

What the fuck do you do? If I'd turned and left it would have made him feel awful, and the queue was getting pissed off. I let him pay.

I know he meant it kindly and he obviously thought I was skint but, really, it's probably one of the most humiliating things to have happened to me.

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