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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have wanted to give this woman £20?

93 replies

saltnpepa · 26/02/2015 18:24

There was a woman in front of me in the queue in the supermarket with her two children and she was asking the cashier to put things back and then was working out what food items she could swap to keep in budget. She explained to the cashier that she needed to keep the shop under £40 and I could see she was watching every penny of that shop, putting back eggs and swapping them for bread etc. She held the queue up and I think she felt uncomfortable about that and all the time her 2 children waited with a bar of chocolate each to see if there was money left at the end of the shop to afford the chocolate bar.

I remember my own mother struggling like this at the supermarket and I know how canny this woman has to be to make her shop last and to manage money. I could tell she wasn't just budgeting, rather that they really didn't have much money. At this point in my life I can spare £20 and so I got £20 cash back after my shop and wanted to go and give it to this woman. I was going to say to her that I remembered my Mum struggling a bit with money and that I just wanted to give her £20 to buy whatever she wanted with. I saw her outside the supermarket but I didn't give her the money. I worried she would be insulted, that her children might worry, that she might be ok with her situation. So for all those reasons I didn't but if she needed £20 she might have been happy with that gift from a stranger.

OP posts:
CatWomantotheRescue · 26/02/2015 19:19

Maybe next time you could say, I just found this £20 on the floor, I think you dropped it? She'll know what's going on but the kids won't worry that way.

RedButtonhole · 26/02/2015 19:26

I'm a single mum and generally do ok with money, but there have been many times where I have really struggled. Someone noticing that and offering help might have been embarrasing at the time, but would still have made a massive difference.

What a kind thing to do, next time don't hold back, even if it didn't buy her shopping it could have enabled her to treat herself and DCs to something special Smile

PeppermintCrayon · 26/02/2015 19:57

I wouldn't. Because it's fucked up giving the kids the chocolate to hold.

mytartanscarf · 26/02/2015 20:15

YY peppermint

Some of you practically seem to have single handedly invented the 'they saw you coming!' saying.

mytartanscarf · 26/02/2015 20:18

Oh and 'I found £20; I think it's yours!' when it patently isn't - someone who would take £20 "someone" dropped knowing it isn't theirs is NOT someone I would want to help Hmm

Original poster
saltnpepa · 26/02/2015 20:27

Oh there have been some great ideas about how I could have done it. I think I could have paid for the things she left and caught up with her and said I think you left a bag of shopping behind, I wish I'd thought of that. I didn't do it because I thought she has her dignity and there were times when I didn't have much but still had my pride and dignity, I don't think accepting a gift from a stranger robs you of dignity but I think some people might. Her children were really well behaved and you could just see she was a lovely Mum. I still have the £20 in the car and do wish I had followed my instincts and given her it, I haven't ever done something like that before. Next time I will.

OP posts:
SmilingHappyBeaver · 26/02/2015 20:28

She held the queue up and I think she felt uncomfortable about that and all the time her 2 children waited with a bar of chocolate each to see if there was money left at the end of the shop to afford the chocolate bar.

She held the queue up because she was waiting for someone to offer to pay. Emotional abuse of the kids, disgusting behaviour on her part.

Mrsstarlord · 26/02/2015 20:30

Do you know what, we are all adults who can give our money to anyone we want. There may be people out there who will deliberately con money out of others but I'm sure there are many more who are in genuine need.
The fact that some people's automatic reaction is that something is a con whereas others is to help
a person in need says a lot about their core beliefs about themselves and the world around them.
I'm quite happy to choose to help people who might be in need and if they are conning me then it's only me who is affected. Negativity just breeds negativity, kindness breeds kindness - unless of course your preferred world view is that everyone is selfish and out for what you can get. Sad

BorisBaby · 26/02/2015 20:32

When I was a early teen and the pay phones had gone up to 20p and didn't have enough to call my mum to pick me up I had ask strangers for 10p to call her (she had a mobile brick no land line) I was so glad when finally a kind lady lend me her mobile.

15 catching the bus home with only enough for a child ticket, bus driver wouldn't let me on as I hadn't got twice the fare for an adults ticket and having to walk 5 miles home at night down country roads (got clipped by a wing mirror and went straight into the ditch and driver drove on Angry )

I always help when I can but £40 to spend on a shop is easy to manage. I did a huge shop in tesco once and my card got rejected very embarrassing luckily my sister was over visiting so she paid turned out they took the money out but it didn't clear at the tills took it three times too and cleared my account for a week

Nosynora · 26/02/2015 20:37

Wow some cynical people on here !

Original poster
saltnpepa · 26/02/2015 20:42

You can't be serious SmilingHappyBeaver Abuse? You're kidding? I thought she could have been more organised with budgeting in the shop and did think her children might one day be embarrassed about her returning things at the til but maybe she's just not very good with numbers.

OP posts:
cedricsneer · 26/02/2015 20:43

I now get my shopping money (generous) transferred on to a charge card. It's for several reasons - irresponsible in the past, a legacy from getting balance updates via text (pre-apps) etc.

I also have access to a credit card but very much use it as a budgeting tool, so I can often be found to be totting things up and making substitutions or leaving things at the till. I have plenty of money and it would be a bit awkward if someone offered me cash.

That's not to say that I don't think your motives were very generous and she may have been genuinely in need.

cedricsneer · 26/02/2015 20:44

Ps I am not emotionally abusing anyone Grin.

WineIsMyMainVice · 26/02/2015 20:44

I think you are very kind. Don't beat yourself up for not doing it - but if you are still thinking about it now, it would suggest to me that you would like to have the confidence to do it if that situation were to happen again. So go for it. If someone is offended you can always just apologise and explain why.

notonly · 26/02/2015 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsstarlord · 26/02/2015 20:49

Ostentatious? To be kind?

mytartanscarf · 26/02/2015 20:51

Sorry but it is emotionally abusive to use your children in this way.

If you are struggling that much you wait to pay then see if there's enough left for sweets. You do not - surely - hand the children the sweets to hold and loudly state that 'we will see if we have enough!'

If you want to help give £20 to a food bank.

notonly · 26/02/2015 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsstarlord · 26/02/2015 20:54

Unwise? Definitely. Abusive? I think that's a huge leap of logic.

Why not do both? Why the aversion to being kind to someone?

ChipDip · 26/02/2015 20:54

If you really wanted to help her you would have. It's a bit pointless now. Each situation is different, so if you aren't able to assess at that moment and decide to want to help there's no point after is there op?

Mrsstarlord · 26/02/2015 20:59

To post saying I really wish I had been but was not confident enough. Yes. Kind.

Why ostentatious? Because it's on a forum? OP is asking for opinions on whether she is being unreasonable - both to want to and to not have. She has had a mixture of responses which shows its not an unreasonable question.

mytartanscarf · 26/02/2015 21:00

It's using your children to manipulate those around you.

I don't think this example as such is emotionally abusive alone so I will concede there but just the same I think it's a pretty unpleasant trick.

I know times aren't easy for many but handing out random £20s (or not!) to mums struggling for money with young children applies to a pretty large percentage!

This woman, according to the op, got to the checkout, held it up, was embarrassed but nonetheless informed everyone of her budget (if you really were embarrassed you'd just say 'ooh forgot we've alresdy got those eggs aunt Jane dropped off!') and had her children holding chocolate. It reminds me of that part of Our Day Out for those who know the play!

It would be funny if there weren't people daft enough to fall for it.

Sazzle41 · 26/02/2015 21:01

I wouldnt have thought she was waiting for someone else to pay. I'd have thought (however 'nice/lovely' she was) limited budget, poor planning & life skills , thats going impact those kids lives: you dont give children a treat you might have to take back. Every mobile has a calculator these days so you can use that as you go round.

Life skills like planning and budgeting are so intrinsic later on in life, that you cant start teaching them early enough, starting with pocket money to buy treats and toys or save up for bigger items.

In my local supermarket you do notice that 80% (ish) people are either keeping mental count as they go round (people saying no, thats too expensive, take that one) or they have their mobile and use that. Can't remember the last time i saw anyone put stuff back.

ARoomWithoutAView · 26/02/2015 21:05

Maybe Mytartanscarf or perhaps her children constantly wittled for things and she thought putting things back was a way of teaching them that we all have choices. Or maybe she didn't know the children were holding chocolate bars. Maybe she was just genuine. And maybe the OP really got what she saw, wasn't hoodwinked, maybe it wasn't a trick.

Mrsstarlord · 26/02/2015 21:06

I choose to help people who are in need, I choose not to be cynical. Why do you think that makes me daft?