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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To speak to my friend's husband about him getting a job?

54 replies

csivillage · 26/02/2015 11:39

My friend's dh is running his own print company from home - he gets jobs and outsources the print (as he doesn't have a print workshop). Except over the past 5 years this has reduced to pretty much nothing and he is bringing in less than a couple of hundred a month.

He has always been in the print industry and used to own his own printer workshop, with all the machines etc. 20-25 years ago he was making a fortune, but he lost the business about 10 years ago and with it his house.

My friend, his wife, works 30 hours a week term time as a dinner lady and brings in about £600 a month. They have 2 children. They are struggling financially. They get a bit of benefits but are 10s of thousands in debt and she is cracking under the pressure.

They pay their rent every 6 months in advance and the last 2 times they haven't had the money and have borrowed first time off his parents and 2nd time off her parents. Neither parents have been paid back yet and the next lot of rent is due in March - they don't have the money.

Their income is: £600 - her salary, £300 - his income, £400 - various benefits. They have spent all the income but not saved for the rent.

Together we looked on line and there are quite a few jobs working as an employee as a print salesman earning basic of £40k plus bonus. We printed off the details of a few of them and she gave them to her dh.

He said that he couldn't work for anyone and it would look strange selling another company when he has his own print company too. My friend said that his company is pretty much dead so there wouldn't be a conflict of interest.

He binned the job details we printed off. She has come to me in tears. She feels his pride is letting the family down. He has asked her to stop her job and get a full time office job where she would bring in more money. He would continue with his 'company' so the children would have him around after school and holidays etc.

Should I approach him to tell him how my friend feels? Should I sensitivily suggest that he is letting his family down by not getting a job and accepting his company is over and he needs to work with a proper wage?

OP posts:
ZacharyQuack · 26/02/2015 11:43

I think you should keep out of their marriage. Your interference won't help.

Branleuse · 26/02/2015 11:44

not your business

CrystalCove · 26/02/2015 11:44

I know you are concerned but speaking to him would be a disaster and nothing to do with you, for a start how on earth can you "sensitively" suggest to someone they are letting their family down!

Allbymyselfagain · 26/02/2015 11:44

God no stay out of it. He's her husband and she needs to talk to him. If you put yourself in the middle they will both be angry at you, all you can do right now is support her emotionally.
Had this situation with my ex, he brought in nothing but if anyone had tried to talk to him they would have got an earful from him and then when he came home and took it out on me I'd have been pissed off at that person too.

highlighta · 26/02/2015 11:46

No. Its not your place to talk to him about this.

MrsTawdry · 26/02/2015 11:47

She's your friend....friend's confide. Not so you can go and bollock her husband! Of course you should not say anything!

drbonnieblossman · 26/02/2015 11:47

With the best will in the world, it's kind of you to be concerned but until the husband takes his head out of the sand, it will be wasted.

When they have the threat of possession proceedings, he may wake up to the enormity of the situation. He may not of course, and at that point, your efforts may be needed to help your friend sort herself and the children.

capsium · 26/02/2015 11:48

It must be very difficult to see your friend struggling and unhappy however I really think this an issue she has to sort out with her DH herself.

Many families choose to have one person earning the majority of the income and the other earning much less. In some families it is the wife who is the main breadwinner. What is the reason your friend is unwilling to take a full time job?

I know it must be frustrating as the husband could potentially be earning a good wage and doesn't. However your friend could also be earning more than she does. Playing the blame game here does not seem to work. The responsibility is joint and tbh I think they both could do something to get the family out of debt.

Pancakeflipper · 26/02/2015 11:49

Don't. His wife has spoken to him and he's voiced how he feels. And even though you don't agree it's for them to work through

PureMorning · 26/02/2015 11:49

Butt out.

The80sweregreat · 26/02/2015 11:49

you sound as if you mean well, but as others have said, it is best to try and stay out of it all. you are clearly really good friends and its nice that your concerned, but its up to your friend to sort this out with her husband without anyone else getting too involved. lets hope he sees sense and get a job soon.

fearandloathinginambridge · 26/02/2015 11:49

Keep out of it. I am in a similar position with my dh - except I work full time and earn average UK wage. We argue about it all the time and it is putting huge strain on our relationship. I occasionally unburden to my sister but would never want her to say anything and she never would - the fall out would be dreadful. Your friend needs to deal with him.

treaclesoda · 26/02/2015 11:50

It must be really difficult for you to sit by and watch your friend struggle, but for the sake of your friendship I think you have to stay out of this. Hard though it is.

Original poster
csivillage · 26/02/2015 11:51

Oh, I know really. Not for me to say anything. I want to pin him up against the wall and shout in his face. I am torn to think he is just plain lazy or he is kidding himself that he has his own business. Because he had a thriving business, I think he still perceives himself as a business owner. Except his business is a total failure. The print industry has changed totally from 20 years ago when he was successful. He doesn't want to be an employee, he doesn't want to have to be beholden to anyone. I think he needs to wake up and smell the coffee.

OP posts:
capsium · 26/02/2015 11:53

Would your friend be open to persuasion concerning getting a better paid job? It would be less of a worry concerning the debt.

The80sweregreat · 26/02/2015 12:00

Its hard for people who have been their own boss to have to work for someone else. In this case it sounds like he hasnt much choice, his own business has failed. He needs to realise this, maybe it will take the people who he owes money to to ask for it back for him to swallow his pride. They may also have savings or shares thats keeping them going too. Its good that your care, just be there for her as a friend but stay out of it ( if you get my drift).

GloriousGoosebumps · 26/02/2015 12:05

I'm not sure why you think he'd listen to you when he's not listening to his wife. In any event it's none of your business so you must stay out of it. Given that they earn so little, are either of the inlaws acting as guarantors to the tenancy? Your friend needs to think about what she will do when the landlord starts eviction proceedings.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 26/02/2015 12:05

Until your friend takes steps to make big changes she can only confide in you and you can only offer a sympathetic shoulder. Infuriating if he has never readjusted his thinking.

Pootles2010 · 26/02/2015 12:11

Well... why don't they go with his idea, of her working full time, him as a stay at home parent with a little bit of extra money from his work?

Capricorn76 · 26/02/2015 12:15

Another option is to suggest your friend gets a better paying job. £600 per month is pretty low. Why does she need to work part time only? If he's barely working he can be around to look after the kids.

redskybynight · 26/02/2015 12:15

As others have said, it's not your place to say anything. TBH they sound like they both have their heads in the sand - your friend also needs to think about getting a full time or better paid job.

minionmadess · 26/02/2015 12:19

Sadly as hard as it must be to watch your friend so desperate... it is not your business.

The only thing you can do is encourage your friend to talk to her DH again to express how concerned she is about the family finances.

Unless he is happy to accept their situation isn't financially viable going forward there is very little anyone can do.

Sometimes people bury their heads in the sand and will only face up to a problem when they can't avoid it any longer, for example in this instance when bailiffs arrive to evict them from the property.

chinstrappenguin · 26/02/2015 12:20

I know you love your friend but speaking to her DH will not end well. Carry on being a shoulder to cry on but that is all you can do.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 26/02/2015 12:41

It's good that you're there for your friend.

Is there a reason she won't get a better paid job? And is there anyway they can start paying their rent monthly? To be honest the whole situation sounds odd. The fact they have spent All their income without saving any rent isn't exactly good. It all sounds a bit of a mess and they both arn't doing very much about it.

FenellaFellorick · 26/02/2015 12:49

You really can't speak to him. That would cause the most horrible problems. And would it solve anything?

Better to support your friend and be her listening ear and see if you can support her to make the changes she needs to make, if that's what she wants you to do. Whether she wants to tell him that she isn't putting up with it any more and give him a reality check, whether she wants to exit the marriage, whether she does actually want to get a different job, etc

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