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Original poster

To speak to my friend's husband about him getting a job?

54 replies

csivillage · 26/02/2015 11:39

My friend's dh is running his own print company from home - he gets jobs and outsources the print (as he doesn't have a print workshop). Except over the past 5 years this has reduced to pretty much nothing and he is bringing in less than a couple of hundred a month.

He has always been in the print industry and used to own his own printer workshop, with all the machines etc. 20-25 years ago he was making a fortune, but he lost the business about 10 years ago and with it his house.

My friend, his wife, works 30 hours a week term time as a dinner lady and brings in about £600 a month. They have 2 children. They are struggling financially. They get a bit of benefits but are 10s of thousands in debt and she is cracking under the pressure.

They pay their rent every 6 months in advance and the last 2 times they haven't had the money and have borrowed first time off his parents and 2nd time off her parents. Neither parents have been paid back yet and the next lot of rent is due in March - they don't have the money.

Their income is: £600 - her salary, £300 - his income, £400 - various benefits. They have spent all the income but not saved for the rent.

Together we looked on line and there are quite a few jobs working as an employee as a print salesman earning basic of £40k plus bonus. We printed off the details of a few of them and she gave them to her dh.

He said that he couldn't work for anyone and it would look strange selling another company when he has his own print company too. My friend said that his company is pretty much dead so there wouldn't be a conflict of interest.

He binned the job details we printed off. She has come to me in tears. She feels his pride is letting the family down. He has asked her to stop her job and get a full time office job where she would bring in more money. He would continue with his 'company' so the children would have him around after school and holidays etc.

Should I approach him to tell him how my friend feels? Should I sensitivily suggest that he is letting his family down by not getting a job and accepting his company is over and he needs to work with a proper wage?

OP posts:
CharleyFarleyy · 26/02/2015 12:53

Another vote for keeping out of it!

I know your only trying to help but I don't see it ending well unfortunately

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 26/02/2015 13:02

There is a charity which could offer free advice on their debt situation www.stepchange.org they will just go round in circles while they have huge debts hanging over them.

workadurka · 26/02/2015 13:04

You need to keep out of it really. Maybe give your friend some tips on what she could do to up her own salary.

I know they're not earning much but to save NOTHING for rent from £1300 a month makes me think they aren't even trying...

splodgeses · 26/02/2015 13:06

If I were you, I would keep your nose out. Your friend has confided in you, not asked you to input. There are other ways you could be able to help her, maybe a bit of sitting for them, so her and dh can have some private time to talk.

I obviously don't know their circumstances, but £400 per month in benefit entitlement sounds quite low for a family with 2dc and £10,000 annual income. You could suggest to her that she speak to local council, perhaps tax credit offices too, to see if she is getting the right money and benefits. She could be entitled to Housing benefit and Council Tax discount as they have low income.

I don't mean that in a patronising way, but they clearly need more help in the short run. She probably needs to increase her hours, as many pp suggest, her dh is basically a wfhp, so she could work two jobs, or begin something else full time. I know jobs can be few and far between, but the benefit entitlement will help them out while she gets sorted.

I know it is hard to watch a friend struggle like this, I saw it happen to my best friend and her dh when he gpt sacked from a particularly specialised, well paid job. He was over qualified for most work, and was a bit too proud to do anything else when offered. The best you can do, is be a sympathetic ear.

LaurieFairyCake · 26/02/2015 13:07

They need to apply for benefits that will pay their rent.

There's no way with 2 kids and benefits they wouldn't be able to pay their rent.

FunkyZebraHat · 26/02/2015 13:09

they need a benefit check. www.turn2us.org.uk is a website they can use to do it.

SurlyCue · 26/02/2015 13:13

Why is not an acceptable suggestion that your friend gets a full time/better paid job and he remains at home for the DC? Or they both get better paid jobs. It isnt just his fault that they havent paid rent in almost 18 months!

bumbleymummy · 26/02/2015 14:58

I don't think you should say anything to him but I do think you should encourage your friend to find better paid work. Why does she need to work part time if he's at home?

hamptoncourt · 26/02/2015 15:03

Oh dear! My friend had a DH like this. Useless tosser!

I have to agree with PP though that you should stay out of it - sorry.

Chippednailvarnish · 26/02/2015 15:09

Why is not an acceptable suggestion that your friend gets a full time/better paid job and he remains at home for the DC? Or they both get better paid jobs. It isnt just his fault that they havent paid rent in almost 18 months!

Completely agree, they both sound totally useless.

TheCraicDealer · 26/02/2015 15:15

Even if she does stop the dinner lady-ing and gets an admin job, she’ll be lucky to get 20K FT. He’d be in with a shot of earning twice that by folding his failing business and working elsewhere. On what planet does he think that this makes sense? Oh yes, the one where his pride is more important than feeding and housing his family.

You know you can’t say anything but that doesn’t mean you can’t be angry. Continue to be there for your friend and encourage her to have a plan B. Because it’s unlikely that he’s going to wake up one morning and have seen the light.

MoustacheofRonSwanson · 26/02/2015 15:31

It does look like they both need to have a hard look at the situation and make some changes.

It's easy to see why he reacted to her suggestion he get a better job, with a suggestion that she get a better job. But that kind of tit for tat cycle is unlikely to lead anywhere fruitful.

There are some complex and emotional issues in there- he has to go back to being an employee, both their time with their children could be reduced, they will have to consider childcare. And they are issues that deserved to be aired and sympathetically heard, thought through not dismissed. When they have aired that kind of thing and been heard it will be easier for them to find a way forward.

But I don't think you should intervene, especially not if you are going to steam in all guns blazing on behalf of your friend. Maybe the most you can do would be to encourage her to get him to talk about what it would mean to him to give up the business and then examine what the upsides to that would be, and also look at other options, like she changes job and he is child carer, or they both change jobs (and how they would stagger that process0.

Original poster
csivillage · 26/02/2015 16:13

Thank you for your replies. In answer to some questions, they moved into their house 8 years ago when his 'business' was doing better. That is how they got the lease.

It is a 3 bed detached house with a large garden. They negotiated a deal on the mortgage as they pay 6 months rent in advance. They pay £900/month, but if it was on the market now it would be £1500 per month.

They have 2 girls so only get benefits for 2 bedrooms, but as the deal they have on their current rental, they would probably pay more than £900/month for a 2 bed as we are in the South East within commute of London, so expensive.

If my friend were to work full time in an office she would probably bring in a max of £1000 per month. She currently brings in £600.

If her husband were to work full time he would bring in anywhere from £1800 per month. It is a no brainer for him to work full time rather than her.

As a family of 4 their income for the last few years has been around £1300 a month, which they have spent on living, but not put £900/month away. I guess their view has been they can't live off £400/month so just spend their income on what they need when they need it. They aren't extravagant but I know that her husband has found it really hard to adjust to their lower income.

I'm not judging this as I would struggle too. However, they still go on holiday each year (Cornwall), run 2 cars etc.

OP posts:
Charlotte3333 · 26/02/2015 16:22

Then they are both getting themselves into a complete mess. Not just him, she's responsible, too. £1300 a month without rent isn't masses but surely they knew they had the rent due in March and should've put some aside?

I agree with the others that you mustn't get involved other than to keep being lovely to your friend. It sounds as though they've got some hard times coming but you can't prevent it. DH here would hate to work for someone else; he has his own business and would struggle hugely with having to fold and become someone's employee, and it's entirely understandable. But living in the past isn't helping them at all.

BoyScout · 26/02/2015 16:22

You can't help them. They have to get to the realisation on their own. I know it's hard to watch.

SurlyCue · 26/02/2015 16:28

They aren't extravagant but I know that her husband has found it really hard to adjust to their lower income.
However, they still go on holiday each year (Cornwall), run 2 cars etc.

  1. they are extravagent if they are spending £1300 on food and bills excluding rent!
  2. they are extravagent if they are still having holidays and running two cars when he isnt working and they cant pay rent!
  3. they are both clearly finding it hard to adjust to lower income- i assume she is joining him on these holidays and spending the money on things other than rent.

Btw they will run into problems with housing benefit people if they have been given HB to pay their rent and they havent passed it on to the landlord. Aside from being given notice, obviously, they will have some explaining to do.

Its all good and well saying that he would earn more as an employee, that may be true but being right doesnt pay the rent. Earning money pays the rent and two stubborn heads will not fix the problem. Quite honestly i think they both need a good shake and to grow up.

Original poster
csivillage · 26/02/2015 16:33

I hadn't thought about them getting into trouble with housing benefit. Yes you are right, I will need to let my friend know because I don't think it has occurred to her.

When they leased the house they were told no housing benefit. However, now that it is universal credit, the money is just put into their accounts and it is assumed they will pay it on to the landlord.

Her husband is doing a few cash in hand decorating jobs in various parts of the country for family and friends. This is helping them out. He is about 55 and she is 50. His parents are very wealthy and I think he is riding out the financial storm thinking he will get an inheritance that will pay off their debts and possibly enable them to buy a small house too.

However, his parents could still be around in 5 years time and they are getting to crunch point.

OP posts:
Tobyjugg · 26/02/2015 16:40

I am sorry to say it but they really sound like the suckers who don't deserve an even break.

lougle · 26/02/2015 16:41

Cash in hand is also going to get them in trouble.

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/02/2015 18:55

not your business

and

Why is not an acceptable suggestion that your friend gets a full time/better paid job and he remains at home for the DC? Or they both get better paid jobs. It isnt just his fault that they havent paid rent in almost 18 months!

This ^

Original poster
csivillage · 26/02/2015 19:22

Boney - It is because my friend would earn about £1000/month, whilst he continued to bring in about £300. However, he would earn at least £1800 a month full time and she would continue to bring in £600.

OP posts:
ohmychrist · 26/02/2015 19:33

So, she could be earning hundreds more per month? Then why's she working part-time? Regardless of what the husband does. They sound a feckless, lazy pair.

redskybynight · 26/02/2015 20:13

Why so sure he would earn £1800 a month? I'm not sure someone who's spent the last few years working in a failing business is exactly going to be snapped up ... in fact maybe that's why he's not so keen on going for the jobs you are suggesting - he realises he won't get them!!

OddFodd · 26/02/2015 20:42

Your friend and her husband BOTH need to up their hours. She may only earn £400 more a month with a FT job but she's only working 9 months/year at the moment

They're both really irresponsible

MadisonMontgomery · 26/02/2015 20:45

Rather than debating which of them needs a full time job I think they both need to look at getting one! Presumably if they are 55 & 50 their kids aren't that young, so does someone really need to be a sahp?