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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Money and DH

52 replies

itstartsnow · 25/02/2015 23:56

I pay for everything and DH gives me money back transferred into my account on payday. This money is for bills and food shop only. It's a set amount so if I buy anything extra eg new clothes for the baby or a treat for the baby then it comes out my money.

I earn more than him, however I work more hours. I'm on maternity leave at the moment. He has the potential to make more money but never bothers applying for jobs.

I have been saving part of my salary for years. Just something my parents taught me to do from a young age. He has now seen my savings account (was never a secret but never really discussed) and he was shocked by what I had saved. He said that if I could manage to save then he should be paying me less towards the household.

He pays me 40% of his wages. Leaving him 60% to do as he pleases.

I spend 30% of my wages on my half of the bills and food shopping. Leaves me 70% to do as I please (normally save, buy DC things, buy things for the house, extra treats eg take aways)

He always complains he has no money and I end up paying for meals out etc 95% of the time.

AIBU to have him pay exactly half when he a little earns less.

OP posts:

honeyroar · 26/02/2015 00:02

Who pays the mortgage? If that is shared it sounds reasonable to me. Who earns what and what job he has doesn't come into it for me.

PrimalLass · 26/02/2015 00:03

Why on earth don't you just have a joint account?

Original poster

itstartsnow · 26/02/2015 00:05

Rented (joint tenancy) but comes out from my bank account.

I have been thinking about a joint account tonight.

OP posts:

sandgrown · 26/02/2015 00:07

You would not be so keen to have a joint account if you had been ripped off by ex-DH! Maybe just a joint bills account.

MGFM · 26/02/2015 00:09

Never understood this 'his money' , 'my money' in families. It is just family money surely? At the moment me and DH are saving for a deposit for a house. We try and save all of his money and my wages are for living off - bills, food, clothes etc. If he wants/needs something or we are out shopping and he sees something I just give him my bank card and he buys it. It is just family money - we are a team. We don't have a joint account as just not necessary. Similarly, I know all the pin numbers to his bank cards etc as he does mine. it works well.

Original poster

itstartsnow · 26/02/2015 00:11

I see the money as "our money" he knows my bank details etc and I buy him lots of things. He just doesn't do the same back as he says he pays me too much.

What he is spending the remaining 60% of his wages on I do not know!! He fritters it away.

OP posts:

Flambola · 26/02/2015 00:12

YANBU.

Although it works better for my and my DH to have a joint account. Money out of both our wages goes to a separate account (to pay for bills, and it's half each) and the rest is pooled together for the two of us. But we are both are quite frugal so we manage quite well. I can imagine it being different if one of us was a saver and the other a spender!

MsCoconut · 26/02/2015 00:23

Hmm, I don't think you are going to like my answer but here it goes.

In theory the two most equal ways of splitting income in this forum are:

each paying an equal percentage of your income into a pot to cover joint expenses
each keeping the same amount of spending money aside for free spend/savings that month

Let's say you earn £2000 per month and your partner earns £1500.

Paying by percentage, if your monthly outgoings are £1750, then you each pay half your income into the joint pot and you keep £1000, he keeps £750.

However, keeping equal spending money means the £1750 goes on bills and each if you get half that amount to do with as you want i.e. £875.

These figures should be adjusted as your ingoings and outgoings change (i.e. you go maternity and may not be bringing in as much).

holidaysarenice · 26/02/2015 00:29

So you sacrifice to save and he pisses his up the wall but now he wants a share of your savings via paying less?

Exactly the reason you don't have a joint account.

Keep it the way it is. If he wants more money he starts earning more. You both work, you both have the capability to work. It's a totally different situation to if one person becomes a SAHP or carer.

Oh and stop paying for all the extras, or tot up in a month how much they all come to.

Do NOT use those savings for a deposit where he contributes nothing but can leave Ina few years with half of it.

missingmumxox · 26/02/2015 00:50

He's being a toy about the savings, but here is how we do it.

Money paid into one account, all fixed bills calculated plus £100 left in, whoever does most family expenditure, so kids clothes, food shop gets £250 extra, then then 10% of what is left is paid into both our savings, rest divided as spends, we can the add to savings as we wish from our spends, it's all documented and this includes inheritances, that I have had, DH hasn't, he earns a fuck load more than me but I am from a richer side, it works itself out in the wash .

He had been unemployed more than me, I have been part time more than him.

You do not deduct money for savings.

bloodyteenagers · 26/02/2015 00:51

He thinks he should pay less?
Tell him ok fine, pay for less.
Work out his share of the bills and tell him he mow has to buy his own food, drink, toiletries, clothes, entertainment.. Oh and charge him half for everything baby related.

He hasn't got savings because he has pissed it away. If he can spend 60% of his wages, pissing away all of yours as well won't be an issue.. Afterall you have savings to dip into when there's nothing left.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/02/2015 01:12

I agree with MsCoconut. We personally use option 2, whereby all money is pooled and we have equal 'personal spending' money.

However, DH and I have the same attitude to money - it's all family money. This is not the case here. And he only pays towards bills and food. All baby things appear to come out of your 'personal spending' money. That is not on, anything for the baby is a joint expense. As is anything bought for the house, takeaways, meals out, which again seems to come out of your 'personal spending'.

So, if you're going to go for that option, the joint budget has to include EVERYTHING that is a joint expense. Bills, food, baby, takeaways, house purchases, cinemas/restaurants, savings for a rainy day - everything. Your personal spending money is for your clothes, haircuts, coffee with friends, magazines, your own savings - you know personal, for you and only you. Not supplementing the joint because something was forgotten from the joint budget. Once all the joint expenses including those, which he doesn't pay towards at the moment are totted up, nothing left out, the remainder is split equally. He can fritter his if he wants, you can save every penny of yours if you want. And neither of you dips into the joint budget to spend on something personal. Ever.

The fact that you choose to save your current surplus rather than piss it up the wall and fritter it away as he does does not absolve him from his own financial responsibility to the household; it does rather sound as if he wants to take as little of that responsibility as he can.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/02/2015 01:17

Oh, and it goes without saying - the current contents of your savings account are yours and only yours. Joint savings can be started ASAP, but what's in that account - not joint. Yours.

fizzycolagurlie · 26/02/2015 01:23

Are you married? If so its 50/50 - half that total money is yours and half is his, by law.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/02/2015 01:29

fizzycolagurlie while it could be considered a joint asset if they were divorcing, that is not the situation here. It is in a sole account, not a joint account - the money is hers.

wickedlazy · 26/02/2015 01:48

I will never ever share a bank account with anyone. My money is mine, his money is his. Think a joint bank account would lead to a lot of arguments about money. I get (don't earn, am on low benefits) less than my dp, but we go half on rent/all bills (that he pays to me weekly as housekeep). If he has more left over than me at the end of the week, it should be his to spend or save how he wants (though he is lovely and treats me a lot, and he's not on great money either, hence my benefit entitlement). I have earned more than him in the past, when I did work, and wouldn't have liked him to suggest he was in some way entitled to my extra cash/savings. I treated him back then, wine, takeaways, dvd's I knew he had his eye on etc but he never asked for these things, it was just something I liked to do. If he had asked regularly asked for things or cash I'd have felt differently about it. It sounds like your hubby has an easy time of it, you pay your fair share as should he, and you treat him a lot. And most of your spare cash goes into your (and his) home and dc's. Think you should just tell him if he wants more money, to work longer hours! Your savings are yours. If you want to blow them one day on a girls weekend away, giving your dc's money for something (a rent deposit or similar), a new car, a shopping spree... it's your money to do that with.

wickedlazy · 26/02/2015 02:02

I think perhaps some people who take the "my money" and "his money" view are people like me who watched one parent piss the other parents money up the wall. And promised ourselves that would never happen to us!

Tangerineandturquoise · 26/02/2015 02:04

Is he actually aware of how much goes out each month on what?
What are you each spending £100s on just for yourselves? That isn't a judgey question but why does he need more pocket money?
What are your savings for- would he ever benefit? Have you explained it to him could/should he also be saving?
It is a combined household the bills don't change depending on how much he earns so it should be split fairly

SolidGoldBrass · 26/02/2015 02:34

Hang on. a healthy family budget (and you are married with children) is one in which both partners have an equal amount of pocket money, regardless of which one earns more. So the income is pooled (whether or not you have a joint bank account) and you pay, proportionate to your earnings, for the joint stuff like housing costs, gas/electric, food, kids' clothing and activities, holidays, etc, and then split what's left over so you each get to decide whether you spend your pocket money on beer, or manicures, or books, or your hobby. It sounds like in your household you are the one who earns more but has less pocket money, which can't be right.

SolidGoldBrass · 26/02/2015 02:37

If you choose to save part of your 'pocket money' that's up to you, but if money is tight then fuck savings.

fizzycolagurlie · 26/02/2015 02:48

Whereyouleftit. No, the money is "theirs" legally, divorce or none. Sorry.

Mmmicecream · 26/02/2015 03:13

I'd be reluctant getting a totally joint account as it doesn't sound like he's very good with money, although a joint account for joint expenses is wise.

His comment about how your savings indicates you don't need as much of "his" money rings alarm bells with me as it indicates a thought process which people who are very bad with money often have: that if someone has more savings they must be "rich", without appreciating that having large savings usually comes after sacrifice and hard work. Everyone I know who is bad with money just doesn't seem to see the correlation between their poor spending habits and their empty bank account.

FWIW DH and I do option '2' above (all money is joint and we get our own "allowance" each week) which works well. DH saves most of his and I spend mine, but I'm OK with that and would never begrudge him his "personal" savings

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 26/02/2015 04:09

We do option 1 (same percentage of salary) but what's left is totally ours - all bills, food data out cone out of the joint A/c. I'll be going on maternity leave over the summer and we've agreed that I'll always have a minimum free spending amount so that will adjust it slightly.

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 26/02/2015 04:10

*days out come.

bloody autocorrect

CrohnicallyInflexible · 26/02/2015 06:33

Why is he paying a higher % of his income on bills than you are? You have a higher % of a higher wage to spend as you please- that's not fair!

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