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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Money and DH

52 replies

itstartsnow · 25/02/2015 23:56

I pay for everything and DH gives me money back transferred into my account on payday. This money is for bills and food shop only. It's a set amount so if I buy anything extra eg new clothes for the baby or a treat for the baby then it comes out my money.

I earn more than him, however I work more hours. I'm on maternity leave at the moment. He has the potential to make more money but never bothers applying for jobs.

I have been saving part of my salary for years. Just something my parents taught me to do from a young age. He has now seen my savings account (was never a secret but never really discussed) and he was shocked by what I had saved. He said that if I could manage to save then he should be paying me less towards the household.

He pays me 40% of his wages. Leaving him 60% to do as he pleases.

I spend 30% of my wages on my half of the bills and food shopping. Leaves me 70% to do as I please (normally save, buy DC things, buy things for the house, extra treats eg take aways)

He always complains he has no money and I end up paying for meals out etc 95% of the time.

AIBU to have him pay exactly half when he a little earns less.

OP posts:
Stinkersmum · 26/02/2015 06:34

I will never get my head around splitting bills/my money-your money when you're living together. Even less so when there are children involved. My DH earns six times as much as me. All being well, soon I'll not be working at all. We don't have a joint account, but whoever has, spends. Simple.

Peony58890 · 26/02/2015 06:54

I think you need to be left with the same amount of spare cash as each other at the end of the day regardless of if you are on maternity leave or a high warner. So each month you should both be left with 400 or what ever that amount is.

Secondly clothes for baby, DIY items, house items and toddler groups come out if the same pocket of money as bills/mortgage.

Lastly he needs to save too. I think its fine to want to be around for the baby though and not take on more and more jobs because of your maternity leave. As long as he is working a normal amount.

Peony58890 · 26/02/2015 06:59

You can agree one takeaway a fortnight or whatever and put enough cash in the joint account to cover the costs do it doesn't come out of your allowance

Peony58890 · 26/02/2015 07:01

What about you both keeping a spending diary on your phone over march and you can each work out what all your cash goes on.

Mistigri · 26/02/2015 07:03

If he was paying half then you probably would be unreasonable - but he's not is he?

Do a budget, estimate your total spending on essentials and also discretionary spending on the whole family. Include savings. No parent with disposable income should be spending it all on themselves IMO, you have a child and both of you need to make sure you have some money put away in case of a financial crisis. Now split the total however you want (half and half, or pro rata to earnings - there is no "right" way).

We've always pooled everything via a joint account but there is no way I would have a shared account with someone who wasn't responsible with money.

bigbluestars · 26/02/2015 07:12

I think you should examine your feelings surrounding this OP- you say " He has the potential to make more money but never bothers applying for jobs. "

He does work, but you think he should be pushing himself a bit further, being more ambitious- a bit more like you?

Do you feel frustrated or resentful that he lacks ambition? And that because of this you are carrying a larger burden?

Not everyone wants to climb the career ladder, does he carry his weight around the home and with the kids?

DeliciousMonster · 26/02/2015 07:29

If you are doing the 'joint account for joint spends' then this needs to include ALL joint spends - rent, bills, food, holidays and it needs to be split by percentage of wages. So if you earn twice as much as him, you pay 67% and he pays 33% of what is needed to cover it all. Or you both pay the same percentage of your wages into that account.

What you do with the rest is your business.

Dontunderstand01 · 26/02/2015 07:38

Financial irresponsibility is a deal breaker for me. Why should you subsidise his lifestyle?

I think your position iscompletely fair, and absolutely keep on saving. Your DH doesn't sound like much of a prize I am afraid OP. I am so sorry to say this, but if he is like this before the baby srrives, I would be vigilant about how he treats you, protecting yourself financially in case it TV goes wrong.

Sorry to be doom and gloom... I hope I am wrong, and but even if I am, where is the harm in prioritising yourself and your baby?

Morelikeguidelines · 26/02/2015 07:45

Why is he paying you and seeing all of your finances when you don't get to see his or dole out his money?

It needs to work both ways. He can't monitor your spending if you can't do likewise.

Agree with others that all baby and family related expenses should come from you both and you should have equal money left to spend or save as you like.

Overall I think he is very u to think he can control your finances the way he seems to.

Theoretician · 26/02/2015 08:10

This situation is an example of where a particular version of fairness, each person taking the same amount regardless of what they put in, breaks down.

While two people have broadly equal earning ability, there's nothing wrong with the alternative definition that requires each person to pay their own way.

A compromise between the two would be to pay in proportion to income, so if OP earns 60% of family income she pays 60% of bills.

However if only OP is strivning to maximise income and savings, she should divorce now, to avoid giving him half her savings when she divorces later. No-one should stay married to someone who could easily pay their own, way but prefers to be subsidised.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 26/02/2015 08:16

Regardless of how you split bills/spending money, it is wholly unacceptable of him to not pay a penny towards his own child's possessions. If the baby needs clothes or you go to toddler group - these are family costs. And should be split accordingly (or come out of a family pot).

What happens when you go back to work? Childcare costs?

Whilst you have been on a reduced wage on Mat Leave have you still had to pay the same amount on bills?

Hathall · 26/02/2015 08:21

Do not have a joint account with him.
You'll find much more money being 'frittered away'

Theoretician · 26/02/2015 08:21

fizzycolagurlie

Whereyouleftit. No, the money is "theirs" legally, divorce or none. Sorry.

Can you link to anything on the web that backs this up? I've never head of anyone taking legal action to get their partners money where there is no intention to divorce, so I believe no such legal right exists.

How would that even work? If there's 10K in their account in January, you get a court order to have 5K handed over to you, then in February you get a second order that 2.5K be handed over to you, as no matter how much you've already taken, according to you any money left is still half that of the person not on the account? It doesn't even make logical sense to say half of everything in a individual account belongs to the spouse.

Even if there is a legal right to be supported, which I can imagine might be the case in some jurisdictions, that's not the same thing as saying 50% of the money belongs to each partner.

Also, I'm fairly sure that if one partner runs up debts, the lenders can't generally recover the money from their spouse, which they would be able to do if any money in a spouses account belonged to the debtor.

workadurka · 26/02/2015 08:24

I think you should both have equal "play" money. So all bills incl baby stuff and essential stuff for the house comes out of joint pot.

NoWireCoathangers · 26/02/2015 08:32

It'd be wise to sit down and have a frank discussion about money. It has to be fair for all concerned. Having 60% of a salary for pure 'spends' is quite a lot of cash (admittedly I don't know how much he earns) Most households spend 40% of their salary on housing and an additional 20-30% on living costs.

Stop buying all the meals out/take-a-ways take turns, if it's his turn and he's no money then don't do go out or buy in.

He's a grown up with a family and has to act more responsibly. Ask him to contribute towards future school fees/child expenses. Or are you expected to pay for that?

Fluffyears · 26/02/2015 08:42

The dc is half his therefore child expenses are half his responsibility. I would be wary of a joint account as he'll have more money to piss away. Dp earns slightly more than me and we both pay exact same amount into the joint bills and shopping account. It works out fair as he pays for our car and also most of the times we go out.

SuggestmeaUsername · 26/02/2015 08:45

Part of your expenditure budget each month should be an amount you both jointly pay into a savings account. Together you should be saving for the future, not one of you.

Maybe you should then give yourselves a fair joint personal spending allowance so you can both contribute fairly to evenings out etc

Then what you have left you can do what you want with

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 26/02/2015 08:50

It also seems unfair to me that you have to budget throughout tge month to ensure all bills are covered and then at the end of the month he just has to worry about one thing - withdrawing his share of costs and giving it to you. Its very odd.

wickedlazy · 26/02/2015 08:56

*Forgot to say that with dp and I, he gives me a little over bill money for ds for things like magazines and treats. But if I have to buy him clothes, etc I usually just tell him ds needs x or show him ds needs a coat I think this is a good one or he needs shoes, what about these and he gives me half. He should be giving you half of all spends for any dc. Agree with others, keep a diary of necessary spends, tally and ask for half.

Mrscog · 26/02/2015 09:09

This seems a strange set up - surely you need to work out the following - what all your fixed outgoings are - rent, utilities, childcare, food, insurances, car stuff,clothes etc. Split this in half (or adjust if salaries are wildly different) and you both pay these out of a joint account each month.

Next step, look at how much money is left after this, work out how much as a family you would like to save each month.

After this, look at what spending money you can each have.

notnaice · 26/02/2015 09:48

Equal spending money in my view.

You just have to agree what is a fair amount. You have such different views on that though, that I can see some arguments. The rest goes into joint savings. But then what are you saving for? Maybe more arguments there on what you will/will not spend savings on. It's difficult when two people have different views, but equal spending money is the only fair way.

Nolim · 26/02/2015 09:55

It is perfectly reasonable gor him to put more towards spending when you are on maternity leave.

PrimalLass · 26/02/2015 09:55

What we do is a joint account for all bills and a set amount each for spending as we wish. You could include a chunk of money to go into savings in the bills part.

Cobain · 26/02/2015 10:21

The biggest problem seems to be what he does with the remains of his wages the 40/60 splits after household bills and food would leave him with 60% of his wages. Which would be a decent amount of money if 40% covered half of all the families food and household bills. Not sure if myself or DP have that percentage of money after bills. We have family money but that is because we both respect the money and each other.

Mrsbird311 · 26/02/2015 11:09

I would open an account and pay in an equal percentage in but everything would come out of this, bills rent, children's things then you can both do as you please with what's left, he can spunk his and you can save yours, if he wants more spending money he can get a better job, I truely believe everyone should have savings even if it's only a few quid as nobody knows what's around the corner, to be honest he sounds like an idiot so it's a good job you have some funds behind you, I have what I call my escape fund, some money put aside if I need it, my husband knows all about it and agrees that it's sensible, I would never be stuck with somebody because I couldn't afford to leave, this is the single best piece of advice my nan ever gave me