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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you all what would be on your 'not to do' list when having a wedding?

112 replies

Clockingoff · 25/02/2015 12:26

Seems to be tons of wedding threads at the moment, so thought maybe we should have a go at extrapolating from them what should definitely not be done when planning a wedding if you don't want to piss guests off.

The obvious ones seem to be:

No poems demanding cash gifts;
No awkward far flung destinations and then sulks when guests can't afford the money or time to attend them;
No disappearing for hours to have photographs taken while the guests kick their heels back at the hotel.

Anything else?

OP posts:
MojaveWanderer123 · 26/02/2015 11:42

Don't invite some kids to the evening do and not others when there's not even any food and we have to pay for our own drinks. It just makes it obvious you don't want non blood related kids even if they are related to you by marriage.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 26/02/2015 11:45

Don't cram everyone into one room for a noisy disco/band/ceilidh etc in the evening, a lot of people generally want to sit and chat. Either have more than one room or keep the sound fairly low. Also make sure DJor whoever isn't calling out to get prople to dance when they don't want to.

Behindthepaintedgarden · 26/02/2015 11:48

Definitely no forcing people up onto the dance floor, or making them feel like party poopers if they'd prefer to sit and chat.

TillyButton · 26/02/2015 11:51

Don't send people"save the day" cards and then not invite them.We have received 2 and I have had to explain to DH that they are not wedding invites but that he has to keep these days free in case we are invited.Told him I learnt about them on MN .He is Confused Confused

BrendaBlackhead · 26/02/2015 11:58

Feel a bit sad reading all these.

It seems as if a lot of people on MN see a wedding as an imposition and are just waiting for the b&g to put a foot wrong so they can suck their teeth in. I think most b&gs do their best and to complain about everything not to your exact liking is very mealy-mouthed.

People moaning about discos/barn dances etc - how do you think the b&g feel, having planned it all in the expectation that people will enjoy themselves, and then to see grumpy faces and no one joining in. And why should there be +1s? Most people can't afford or don't want to fill up a venue with people they've never seen in their lives before. And some people like a singles table, as a way to meet others, rather than being sat next to Great Aunt Ida.

Nineteen years after I got married an aunt still mentions whenever I see her, about once a year, that at my wedding there was no choice of food and she didn't like what we had. It's just horrible to think that instead of wishing the b&g well someone is just concentrating on what didn't suit them .

Of course some brides are bridezillas, but frankly I've come across far many more guestzillas.

Behindthepaintedgarden · 26/02/2015 12:06

I don't think anyone's objected to there being music and dance Brenda. Just to guests who don't want to dance not being able to sit around and chat and laugh and enjoy themselves because the band is playing so loudly your ear drums are being shattered.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 26/02/2015 12:14

To be fair Brenda, the OP did ask for things not to do, so that is what people are responding with. I've been to around 40 weddings and have never criticised any of them to anyone in real life that I can remember, maybe talked it over with DH, but that's all, but there have been some aspects of some of them that could have been better. As for the discos/barn dances etc, provide a bit of quieter space and you won't have grumpy faces. Most people generally do join in, but there are always some who would rather chat, especially if they haven't seen each other for years.

Nancy66 · 26/02/2015 12:17

don't do fucking 'singles' tables. It's really insulting. Unmarried/unattached people are perfectly capable of talking to couples !

BrendaBlackhead · 26/02/2015 12:18

Yes, I know I was doing that classic thing (which I hate, actually) of interrupting a thread with an "offended" point of view. Sorry!

I guess I was just feeling a bit aggrieved on behalf of all well-meaning brides out there !

Verbena37 · 26/02/2015 12:22

Don't do anything you don't want to do.

We were tight on numbers as our parents wanted to invite loads of their friends as well (reasonable we thought as they were finding a lot of the wedding) but there were a couple of close friends who we didn't invite their partners. I really regret that now.

At the time, we made a decision to only invite friends we knew both partners of but looking back, I feel guilty thinking about it.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 26/02/2015 12:23

As long as you don't leave me starving or go off for hours for pictures of your 'special day' I am generally happy.

Oh, and plenty of booze. Don't give me half a glass of Prosecco and then have a cash bar (unless you are broke. If you are broke, I really don't care. I just care if you've spent £2,000 on the dress, £1,000 on the cars, £10k on the honeymoon and don't spring for a few bottles of wine).

Kittymum03 · 26/02/2015 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 26/02/2015 12:24

The best wedding I ever went to was fairly low budget, in a barn, with a bbq and masses of wine. We had the best time ever Grin

Samcro · 26/02/2015 12:25

if you have someone coming that is disabled or in a wheelchair...please tell them in the invite that there is wheelchair access and where it is in the pretty old church. don't expect them to take it for granted and then get all hurt when they ask/

Winka · 26/02/2015 12:36

Don't obsess over the money and NEVER FORGET that people pay through the nose to come to your wedding. So be gracious.

curlyweasel · 26/02/2015 12:40

Will you be one of my ushers?
Yes, I'd be honoured!
Great, it'll cost you £100 to hire the suit we want you to wear.

Fuck off.

VeryAgedParent · 26/02/2015 12:42

Do not get married 25miles away from the nearest station/public transport links, not everyone is a driver/has a car and paying huge amounts for a long taxi drive is not really on.

chrome100 · 26/02/2015 14:53

Yes, my sister had different desserts for men and women. I just ate both of them. fat cow

ProudAS · 26/02/2015 14:58

Don't sit the best man and his GF at separate tables

lithewire · 26/02/2015 14:59

Don't seat two of your most painfully shy relatives away from everyone they are familiar with, on a table with people they don't know and who are only interested in chatting amongst themselves. God that was awful.

Summerisle1 · 26/02/2015 15:00

Accept that your choices may have consequences.

If you are getting married thousands of miles away, there will be guests who simply can't afford to attend. Don't tell them that you are offering "a holiday in a lifetime". If they wanted one of those it'd be of their choosing. It almost certainly wouldn't include attending a wedding on a date that they'd had no influence over. Most people do not have unlimited funds or holiday allowances. Suggesting that only one of a couple attend is not a great solution either if this fucks up any chance of a family holiday.

By all means have a child-free wedding. But accept that this may cause problems particularly if your wedding requires an overnight stay. Not everyone has childcare (especially if it is a family wedding where most of the usual babysitters are also guests) or is prepared to leave babies and small children with complete strangers hired in for the day. If invitations are declined then accept this with good grace. Don't insult people by suggesting that "everyone else" with children is thrilled that they can leave them at home because they can now have the greatest child-free fun ever.

Be upfront about timings. If you have a gap between the ceremony and the reception then tell people. Don't let them discover that they're expected to hang around for hours (often away from home) while you take a million pictures. Or worse, take the wedding party off on some sort of private tour of all the most photogenic locations within 25 miles.

Make it clear on the invitations which bit of the wedding guests are invited to. Nobody in the UK tends to get aerated about being an evening guest but it's hellishly embarrassing if people are invited to the ceremony and then discover they are on some sort of B List and thus expected to fuck off - unrefreshed! - until the evening while everyone else goes to the reception. On the same theme, do tell evening guests whether there will be anything to eat. Like a pp said, nobody minds if there isn't but it's best to get a heads-up before you get there and discover that there's nothing to soak the alcohol up with and you've failed to have any tea first!

Sit people with people they know. Weddings aren't the time or place for experiments in social engineering.

Have the wedding you can afford. Don't bother to try and have the 3-ring circus most bridal magazines promote.

grovel · 26/02/2015 15:02

If church, don't have obscure hymns.

Bodicea · 26/02/2015 15:05

Don't get a cheesy dj ( a band goes down a lot better)
Don't leave massive gaps where there is nothing for guests to do.
entertainment such as casino tables before evening do go down well.

Egog · 26/02/2015 15:11

Don't forget that after the wedding, there's a marriage which is fairly important!

Make sure your picture yourself as a guest at your own wedding- suddenly the 4 hour wait for dinner seems a little less attractive.

Don't stress. It's one day, some guests will love it, others will forevermore talk about how they hated the duck and the venue wasn't a patch on the one cousin Sarah had.

Wear comfy shoes!

lithewire · 26/02/2015 15:12

Ooh I thought of a more light-hearted one from what was a much more enjoyable wedding:

Don't let the very serious vicar start his reading by ponderously repeating the words "What is love?" unless you don't mind some of your guests trying not to burst into giggles. baby don't hurt me Grin