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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you all what would be on your 'not to do' list when having a wedding?

112 replies

Clockingoff · 25/02/2015 12:26

Seems to be tons of wedding threads at the moment, so thought maybe we should have a go at extrapolating from them what should definitely not be done when planning a wedding if you don't want to piss guests off.

The obvious ones seem to be:

No poems demanding cash gifts;
No awkward far flung destinations and then sulks when guests can't afford the money or time to attend them;
No disappearing for hours to have photographs taken while the guests kick their heels back at the hotel.

Anything else?

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 25/02/2015 16:20

Don't use a venue that charges a fortune for drinks and then not provide anything except one glass of cheapo wine at dinner.

Don't be a thoughtless host basically, do whatever you need to do to keep your guests well fed and watered, even if it means you don't have the prefect venue, dress, cars, table decorations etc.

geekymommy · 25/02/2015 17:32

This. Don't do what the friend in this thread did. If someone can't make it to your wedding for financial reasons, they are not attention seeking or causing problems.

If there is a ceremony and a reception, the people who are invited to one are invited to the other. People who are invited to one part of the reception are invited to the whole thing.

You can do photos before the ceremony. That solves the whole "guests waiting between the ceremony and reception" problem. It also means people's clothes, hair, and makeup have less time to get messed up.

Guests will only remember the chairs if there aren't enough of them.

Paying for your wedding and honeymoon are your responsibility. You are not entitled to demand help with this from anyone else, including your parents. Your parents might offer to help pay, and that's lovely, but they don't have to do that, and you don't get to get mad if they don't. It's not 1955 any more.

I would put "go into debt to pay for the wedding" on the list of Things Not To Do, but maybe that's just me.

Don't smash cake into each other's faces. I remember hearing about this happening at a wedding when I was 7, and thinking, "I'm more mature than that". DH and I didn't feed each other cake at our wedding, because I was having none of that.

If you toss the garter (we didn't), don't make a big production out of taking it off the bride's leg or putting it on anyone else's. Just ick.

geekymommy · 25/02/2015 17:41

A BIG don't: Don't go through with the wedding if there are serious problems in your relationship as a couple. I'm not talking about pre-wedding jitters or minor bickering. I'm talking about stuff like drug or alcohol abuse, one partner cheating on the other, domestic violence, that sort of thing. You might think it would be bad to "lose" the money you've spent on the wedding so far, but:

  1. That money is gone. Going through with the wedding just to not waste it is a classic example of the sunk cost fallacy.
  2. Breaking up is a lot harder and more expensive when you have to get a divorce.
ahbollocks · 25/02/2015 17:43

If you are inviting someone, ffs give them a plus 1. Dont have an awful singles table, it makes people feel uncomfortable. Get tiki torches for the mozzies. Don't let the hen do cost more than 100 quid

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/02/2015 17:57

Don't invite the type of guest who'll spend the entire day talking about operations/illnesses/deaths of people they know. IME such people adore the broad audience a wedding provides and can cast a huge cloud of doom - I call them "portable funerals"

If that guest is a close relative you've got to invite, make sure someone's briefed to head them off when necessary or rescue the guest they've homed in on

kitchentableagain · 25/02/2015 18:10

Don't...bother. I'm eloping next month

kitchentableagain · 25/02/2015 18:10

Don't...bother. I'm eloping next month

fatlazymummy · 25/02/2015 18:13

I agree with most of these points.
I would add, don't be late to the ceremony. Yes, I know it's traditional for the bride to be late, but 5 minutes should do it.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 25/02/2015 18:27

Don't let an ice-cream van pull up outside the church and play a tune all the way through your vows...

BackforGood · 25/02/2015 18:28

I think the key one is

Don't invite any MNers and don't discuss your ideas on MN Wink

In RL, everyone loves a wedding, but then, in RL, I've never come across so many of the things that upset people on here Grin

MiddleAgedandConfused · 25/02/2015 18:32

this Don't separate people from their family and friends by 'mixing up' the guests when organising tables
and this Don't have a tragic sad singletons table

AlleyCat11 · 25/02/2015 18:50

Always hated plus one invites. Before I met my fella I was a person, not a "singleton". Therefore well able to chat to my mates, B&Gs family, strangers. No need for a random date to prop up my personality.
Don't wear an uncomfortable, expensive dress / shoes because you want to feel like a "Fairytale Princess". You're a grown woman. You wouldn't see a man going around on stilts or painting himself orange.
Those "assiette of dessert" plates are beyond naff. One good pudding is much nicer. Same with heavily iced, decorated wedding cakes. Go for something that tastes good, rather than looks good. Not chocolate biscuit cake...

EveBoswell · 25/02/2015 18:58

B+G should buy the bridesmaids' dresses and let them buy their own shoes to make sure they fit properly (pay them back for them, if desired). Let them do their hair the way they want.

DuchessofCuntbridge · 25/02/2015 19:03

One close to my heart at the moment - please don't have a hen weekend that costs a fortune. Believe it or not many people don't want to give up their entire weekend for it and they certainly don't want to spend hundreds of pounds for the dubious pleasure of a spa weekend with a bunch of people they dont know. A one day celebration will do.

Don't invite great auntie god-knows-who's best mates daughter and then expect them to 1. turn up and 2. spend a fortune on a present. They don't care!

Feed and water your guests. If you want them to have a miserable 3 hour wait, why did you bother inviting them?

Don't mix up guests - let people sit with people they know. You're not running a speed dating session and its just patronising.

Don't put stupid sweets out at favours - nobody eats them. most people don't even take them home -w hat a waste of money.

Skiptonlass · 25/02/2015 20:17

I would say DO make everything easy for your guests. Having seen some truly appalling bridezilla behaviour over the years, here's my advice.

No colour schemes
No dress codes (wedding smart is fine. 'All women must wear this exact shade of coral' is not)
No expectation of gifts
No cash expected
If you're having child free, be prepared to allow nursing babes and put on good childcare
Help them find hotels
Help them find flights
Don't split up groups of friends in the seating
Don't leave people for hours without food while you Swan off for photos. Feed people. Constantly. You cannot have enough food at a wedding
Don't force your bridesmaids to wear hideous, revealing or uncomfortable stuff. I know one girl reduced to tears after bridezilla had a fit that she wouldn't wear eight inch heels. BM was recovering from major knee surgery at the time...
Don't set your single guests up.
Don't have an expensive hen do and then guilt trip your BM about not being able to afford it.
Don't exclude the fat bridesmaid from your photos
Do not exclude the pregnant bridesmaid from your photos.
Do not have a meltdown because your bridesmaid is not fake tanned with inch long gel manicure talons.
Do not get into debt for a wedding. Save, spend within your means and use your money for a deposit.
Do not let people hijack things.
Do not let people tell you you simply must have..x, y,z. No, you don't need chair covers. Or a thousand pound cake.

And my top tips for a good wedding? Keep it low key, relaxed and make the focus you sharing your descision to commit with those you love. Sufficient food and booze, neither of which have to be fancy. Given a space, a happy couple, food, booze, music and a relaxed atmosphere, you will have fun, whether you get hitched in a campsite or a castle.

KingJoffreyObviouslyWatchesHol · 25/02/2015 20:55

Choose a venue who employs a cleaner. I went to a 20K wedding in a 'posh' country house/stately home place a few years back. My main memory is how filthy the carpet was.

Don't have a pay bar. You're supposed to be hosting. Provide drinks. Even if it's Tesco Value squash in plastic cups.

geekymommy · 25/02/2015 20:55

You don't get to tell your bridesmaids or groomsmen how or whether they will color their hair, do their hair, wear makeup, wear particular underwear, do their nails, go to a tanning bed, diet, exercise, or get any physical flaws fixed. You don't get to have a fit if one of your bridesmaids gets pregnant, she didn't do it just to spite or upstage you.

Don't choose people for your wedding party based simply on attractiveness. Don't disqualify anybody because you don't think they are attractive enough.

If one of your bridesmaids complains about the dress you've chosen, LISTEN. Don't pick something that will be unflattering to some of them, or that they might be uncomfortable in. Some larger-breasted women are not comfortable in strapless dresses, for example. It might also be best to choose something where the style doesn't scream out the decade of the wedding. I looked at the bridesmaids dresses in my MIL's wedding pictures, and they just SCREAM 70's. They're funny-looking to someone looking at them now (or at least they were to me, and I even kind of like some 70's fashions).

If you're having an outdoor wedding in Houston, Texas, at the end of summer, don't make the guys wear tuxes. The average daily high there at that time is around 35 C, and it's humid. My DH was sweating way too much to enjoy his brother's wedding.

If you're having an outdoor wedding anywhere where the climate tends to be extreme in any way, make accommodations. If it's hot, have shade and bottles of water available for guests, that sort of thing. You can still get married indoors, and that might be a good idea in some climates. There was a huge thunderstorm the day of my wedding, but I didn't care, because we were inside.

Try not to have any religious or political stuff in the ceremony that might upset any of your guests. If you've invited non-Christian guests, this isn't the time for a sermon on how all non-Christians are going to hell, for example.

MonkeySeeMonkeyDooo · 25/02/2015 21:00

Don't mix up your guests. You can't force social situations. I like being able to catch up with friends I haven't seen for a while, not make small talk with people I won't see again.

Receiving lines, awkward and a lot of standing around when everyone just wants to eat or get to the bar.

Money poems. You're still asking for cash, you can't hide it.

Clockingoff · 26/02/2015 11:13

"In RL, everyone loves a wedding"

No, they don't.

OP posts:
BellaBearisWideAwake · 26/02/2015 11:20

It's already been said but don't have huuuuge gaps. We are going to a wedding with 5 (that's FIVE) hours between the ceremony and the party. It's nowhere near home either. It has now transpired that a select group of the guests are invited for a meal during this five hour gap. I feel mildly insulted and also mildly put out.

So don't do that.

Behindthepaintedgarden · 26/02/2015 11:25

Don't allow photographers or bands to take over the wedding.

You are not being photographed for the front of Hello magazine, and a three hour photo session is totally unnecessary, as is dragging the bride and groom off to a waterfall somewhere leaving the guests to their own devices.

Neither is your wedding taking place in Wembley Stadium so, however much the band love the sound of their own music, your Aunty Joan and Mr and Mrs Brown who live next door to your parents do not want to have their ear drums blasted by ridiculously loud versions of Lady in Red and The Wind Beneath my Wings.

dannydyerismydad · 26/02/2015 11:27

I went to a wedding with a pudding room.

It's the only thing a decent wedding needs

drbonnieblossman · 26/02/2015 11:36

No asking guests to stick to a colour scheme for the outfit so it looks 'nicer' in photos.

No sniggering at the b and g when they say their heartfelt home made vows especially when you know they argue like cat and dog and don't mean a word

drbonnieblossman · 26/02/2015 11:37

A pudding room. How fabulous. Can you take it in turns to go in and lick a bit of everything?

CruCru · 26/02/2015 11:38

Get your bridesmaids to wear their own shoes.

Don't bother with wedding favours.

Feed them early and feed them well.

If someone can't come (illness, can't travel to your chosen destination etc) be gracious about it.

I know people here have set not to set up single friends...but we did and they got married five months later.

Remember it's a party. If you haven't heard of something, chances are you don't need it.