To think OH really needs to organise his time better? (Long-ish)

[namechangeafternamechange]

I was going to name change but, frankly, can't be arsed and am willing to take criticism constructive or otherwise for the way I feel. This is also probably more of a rant as well (sorry).

Ok, before I start, I would like to say that this has NOTHING to do with my dsd and EVERYTHING to do with my OH's attitude. I do not resent my dsd (quite the opposite), I do not find her an inconvenience and I very much enjoy her visits, as does our ds (her brother) who adores her. I feel the need to put that in to rebuke the claims before they come.

My issue is that my OH never books any decent time off when dsd visits. She lives 400 miles away, comes for a week at a time. Perfect example....this half term. OH booked no time off during the week (he works Mon-Fri). I was furious for DSD, it basically meant that he had one full day with her, Sunday, and both Saturdays were spent in the car travelling to/from pick up/drop off. The rest of the time was spent with me and her GP, who had to travel 100 miles and book 2 days off work to look after her as I'm never told when the holidays fall until about 2 weeks beforehand and I was already working.

His attitude is 'why should I book annual leave just because DD is coming? I don't get enough to cover it all' [mad] He just doesn't get that she comes to spend time with her daddy, not step-mother or GP's and one day out of 7 just isn't acceptable time to spend with her.

I now have to book my annual leave around her visits as, otherwise, there would be nobody here to look after her (ds goes to nursery) and my poor MIL has said that she isn't willing to cover his backside again (this isn't the 1st time she has had to take time off to provide childcare as OH hasn't organised time off!)

This has been happening since she moved away 3 years ago and I'm sick of it. I know part of the problem is that he and his ex find it incredibly difficult to communicate and avoid talking to each other but it's ridiculous. I have now discovered there is a break coming up. He hasn't told me, I went online to get the dates myself, he hasn't booked any time off and he hasn't made any arrangements as to when the pick up/drop off will be (guaranteed this won't happen until the week before, at best). I have also had to book 2 weeks during the summer holidays but he wasn't happy as they might not agree on those 2 weeks (this is despite me telling him I had had an email asking me to book annual leave for the year as there are over 70 staff to accommodate, in the end I just had to book it). I've told him it's tough, it's those 2 weeks or nothing.

I want to scream that she's his dd, not mine, and his responsibility, not mine, but I realise what a cuntish thing that is to say. I also realise how that could be twisted into a 'you resent dsd' but it's not, I just resent his poor time management and his view that he doesn't have to book time off for dd because everyone else picks up the slack.

Sorry, needed to get it off my chest before he gets out of bed! And, in so many other ways, he is an amazing OH. He is thoughtful, kind, loving, caring and would do anything for me and his kids, but this has been a bone of contention for a very long time!

my OH really isn't a shit father, he truly loves us all and really would do anything for us

Except book time off to spend with his own child.

Wake up!!
He does not think spending time with his own daughter is a priority so he makes no effort to organise his time to allow that to happen.

He's either not a great dad, or he's a sexist arse who believe childcare is woman's work.

I just can't imagine the scenario when I'd be phoning in sick bc my OH hadn't managed to cover his own child's visits.

So. Send him the link to the appropriate education authority's holiday dates. Then do nothing else.

So what will he do next holidays when you haven't booked leave, he hasn't booked leave, and MIL won't? Just leave her alone? Walk out of the house before you do?

Is that how you came to phone in sick previously - he just said he was going?

i think you need to spell it out to him that you will let him fail this time. Tell him that the holiday dates are online. He can look them up, you will not book any days off over Easter so he needs to either book off the time or ask his parents now if they can do the days you'll be working when DSD is visiting, you are not available. If he can't get the time off and his parents aren't available, he'll have to book childcare, as he would if your DSD lived with him without you and it was school holidays.

Let me guess, you arrange all the childcare and do the drop offs/pick ups for your DS?

OP all you have to do is NOT book leave off when DSD next visits. Then do NOT call in sick. Just don't allow him to ignore this any longer. Much as you care for her, she is not your responsibility in this situation.

What will happen when your DS starts school? Is it going to be down to you to cover the school holidays with your AL, or find a holiday club / childminder? Can I ask what happens when DS is sick and can't go to nursery? is it always you that has to take time off to look after him? Sadly I worry that there is more of an issue here than what happens when DSD visits.

OP of course it's not too much to ask that they agree days in writing, in advance. But it's also not too much to ask to expect him to take the time off and not expect you or MIL to do it for him.

As PP said with her cat example, there is more to being a great dad than loving your kids. He could, for example, take some responsibility. Working 5 days a week is not a reason to get out of it. It's normal for parents with school aged children.

What did he think about you lying to work just so he could avoid taking leave? How exactly is that being an amazing dad?

Xposts MaryW!

Op, you are nbu and far from cuntish, you sound like a lovely SM and wife.
I am shocked that your oh doesn't take time off to look after dsd, BUT... To give him the benefit of the doubt, it sounds as though his ex has a very chaotic life and unfortunately that chaos is seeping into your lives making it impossible to set up any kind of schedule or routine for you having dsd. I bet she won't commit to dates in advance which must be frustrating/upsetting for your oh. However his response seems to be to pass the stress on to you which isn't on. In your position Id talk to him gently and acknowledge his ex makes it almost impossible BUT how can the two of you come up with a strategy to deal with it. That might help. Eg if he booked days off during the holidays (after checking via website) and hoped to get dsd then, but if ex won't allow it then have a plan b for a day out with your ds instead. That way by the law of averages they'll get some time together. It'll also be easier once ds starts school as your oh will then be taking time off anyway around school holiday dates. (And presumably you'll have childcare plans too).

I bet he'll leg it out of the house early and leave OP stranded.

I wouldn't book any holiday and I wouldn't find out the term dates. If he can't sort this out himself that's his tough luck. It's not exactly difficult to find out school term dates. I pity you if he can't even manage that by himself. Poor diddums.

The verdict on this thread seems to be fairly unanimous.

He knows how much holiday he has. He can find out when the school holidays are. He can book all the one during the other, like very other working parent. That would be a good start.

Men who are capable of running multi million pound companies seem to be incapable of sorting stuff like this out or operating the washing machine. It's quite baffling really...

"He really is a great dad, he just needs to do some forward planning."
Again, you're seeing it in terms of 'organisation', 'time management' and 'forward planning'. That really, really isn't the problem here. The problem is that "His attitude is 'why should I book annual leave just because DD is coming?". It's not that he can't organise himself, it's that he WON'T. He is making a CHOICE, and it is his CHOICE that his mother has to book time off work at short notice and drive 100 miles and that you lie to your employer and phone in sick.

Everything else - the difficult communication with his ex, the 400 miles, the new job - is irrelevant. School holidays are on school websites, easy to look up. Waiting for a text that never comes - oh please, using that for an excuse is pathetic.

He's been making this CHOICE for three years now (three years!), I really feel for his DD; and obviously so do you as you have, as you put it, picked up his slack. You need to stop doing that. You need to let him feel the consequences of his, frankly, childish behaviour. He doesn't arrange annual leave? Fine, he can phone in sick and run the risk that he forced you to take. Because she is his daughter and she is his responsibility and it is not cuntish in the least to remind him of this.

Stop bailing him out. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got.

monkey you actually have it spot on. His ex makes life very difficult when it comes to planning in advance, she will just keep putting it off until a couple of weeks beforehand. Part of my annoyance comes from the fact that he won't push or stand up for himself (hence the 2 weeks in summer holidays fiasco, if she says 'no, those weeks aren't what I want' he won't say 'tough, that's the weeks that are covered' he will back down and change things around, leaving us in a situation where we are both working on the same day with nobody to look after her). This comes off the back of him attempting to make a stand a couple of times and she's just said 'fine, you don't see her then'. He is terrified that she will just stop her visits.

I guess that's the main point of this, which took a while to get to, he just rolls over and allows her to dictate. One of the reasons, I'm sure, why he doesn't book annual leave is that he has booked in the past then she has changed her mind and decided another week is better for her (summer holidays, again) and it left us in a state. She doesn't/has never work/ed and just thinks that he'll be able to book leave with a moments notice.

I wouldn't do it but I almost feel like phoning her myself because, for some reason, she doesn't try and toy with me and I know I could get things set in stone. But it isn't my place.

I started this thread on the back of a heated on my side discussion about this last night. I left him in no doubt that I'm fed up with this situation and 1 day in 7 just isn't good enough time to spend with his DD. I even said that it would be feasible for him to book 3 days off during the week which gives him more leave to last the year and gives him 5 out of 7 days. This he has agreed is a good idea.

And I have to say, I am genuinely shocked that I haven't had a flaming here. I really thought I would be told that I'm an arse and clearly resent my DSD for daring to moan that I look after her when she comes down!

I would let them both get on with it. It sounds like they both need to grow up.

Sorry, but you can't blame the lack of planning. After all - you managed to take days off. So did her grandparent.

The arse is your DH not you. We all feel sorry for you stuck in the middle of these two idiots.

You are right, of course, delicious, we did manage to get the days off. And wobblehat how do I do that without it stressing me out?

Gah, this is like therapy . I have just realised part of the problem is me.....I'm a planner. I like to have things planned waaaaay in advance and get a bit flustered if it's not. OH, on the other hand, can sometimes just take things as they come and refuses to 'rock the boat' by being insistent.

I am not making excuses for him, this has pissed me off for a very long time, and he is not in any doubt that I have reached the end of my tether. But I stand by the fact that he is an amazing father.

And I thank you all for giving me the resolve I need. You have convinced me that I will not be mentioning the easter holidays again, I will not be pushing him into making definitive plans and actually telling me what they are, and he can deal with the fallout when he realises his mistake.

I'm a planner too so I can imagine how you feel. Sometimes you just need to let people get on with it in their own muddled way otherwise they will never learn.

I think I would just disengage my brain. Don't offer any suggestions. Don't offer to do anything. If he wants to discuss it then tell him you are sick to the back teeth of it all (because you are) and want nothing further to do with it. If he wants DSD to come for the holidays then he needs to plan it himself. I think only then will things start to sort themselves out.

I too have been guilty of doing far far too much for other people. Sadly, it is not appreciated until I've left and they've had to sort sodding things out for themselves!

He bloody isn't an amazing father, sounds like a pretty shitty one.

How would he feel about you making the holiday arrangements with exW? It can be your place if everyone is happy with it.
If planning is your skill and drive, it might help everyone in the situation and be a more constructive way forward than the current mess.

And if you think it's fine for him to treat his Dd so badly bexause of his ex being a PiTA or any other excuse, it's not.

Another thought for your DH, if he knows he'll get DSD for one week of Easter, is it possible for him to book the 3 days you work on each week now, cancelling one closer to the time? Could he talk it through with his boss and explain the situation. For many companies, it's easier to cope with someone cancelling their leave and coming into work at short notice than it is to arrange cover at short notice.

You are a planner, there's a good chance your DH has got worse at planning since being with you as you have stepped up. You might well need to talk through possible strategies for him and make it clear that you really are serious you won't sort this for him. If he wants you to help him sort it now, you'll talk through his options, but you won't fix it if he does nothing then is in a mess in April.