To think OH really needs to organise his time better? (Long-ish)

[namechangeafternamechange]

I was going to name change but, frankly, can't be arsed and am willing to take criticism constructive or otherwise for the way I feel. This is also probably more of a rant as well (sorry).

Ok, before I start, I would like to say that this has NOTHING to do with my dsd and EVERYTHING to do with my OH's attitude. I do not resent my dsd (quite the opposite), I do not find her an inconvenience and I very much enjoy her visits, as does our ds (her brother) who adores her. I feel the need to put that in to rebuke the claims before they come.

My issue is that my OH never books any decent time off when dsd visits. She lives 400 miles away, comes for a week at a time. Perfect example....this half term. OH booked no time off during the week (he works Mon-Fri). I was furious for DSD, it basically meant that he had one full day with her, Sunday, and both Saturdays were spent in the car travelling to/from pick up/drop off. The rest of the time was spent with me and her GP, who had to travel 100 miles and book 2 days off work to look after her as I'm never told when the holidays fall until about 2 weeks beforehand and I was already working.

His attitude is 'why should I book annual leave just because DD is coming? I don't get enough to cover it all' [mad] He just doesn't get that she comes to spend time with her daddy, not step-mother or GP's and one day out of 7 just isn't acceptable time to spend with her.

I now have to book my annual leave around her visits as, otherwise, there would be nobody here to look after her (ds goes to nursery) and my poor MIL has said that she isn't willing to cover his backside again (this isn't the 1st time she has had to take time off to provide childcare as OH hasn't organised time off!)

This has been happening since she moved away 3 years ago and I'm sick of it. I know part of the problem is that he and his ex find it incredibly difficult to communicate and avoid talking to each other but it's ridiculous. I have now discovered there is a break coming up. He hasn't told me, I went online to get the dates myself, he hasn't booked any time off and he hasn't made any arrangements as to when the pick up/drop off will be (guaranteed this won't happen until the week before, at best). I have also had to book 2 weeks during the summer holidays but he wasn't happy as they might not agree on those 2 weeks (this is despite me telling him I had had an email asking me to book annual leave for the year as there are over 70 staff to accommodate, in the end I just had to book it). I've told him it's tough, it's those 2 weeks or nothing.

I want to scream that she's his dd, not mine, and his responsibility, not mine, but I realise what a cuntish thing that is to say. I also realise how that could be twisted into a 'you resent dsd' but it's not, I just resent his poor time management and his view that he doesn't have to book time off for dd because everyone else picks up the slack.

Sorry, needed to get it off my chest before he gets out of bed! And, in so many other ways, he is an amazing OH. He is thoughtful, kind, loving, caring and would do anything for me and his kids, but this has been a bone of contention for a very long time!

Sorry but I would be waiting for him to spring the next visit, and telling him you cannot take the time off work because someone else is already booked/ you have not accrued enough holiday / you have already exceeded your holiday entitlement or similar and force him to man up

As an employer I would be apoplectic if I found that a member of staff had faked sickness to get a paid day off work so that her H did not have to use his leave!!
He has no respect for your time: your paid job or your leave. How does he think your leave can be used for this if his can't? Or his mother's?

Did MIL say it to him, or to you, that she wouldn't do cover again?

If he needs help and support to find a way to communicate with his ex, so be it, but you and MIL need to have a United front : he steps up, and you will simply not bail him out. If he doesn't take responsibility suggest he sends a cheque to dis ex for an extra week's holiday club in her home town.

It does sound very difficult, the distance etc, but he is not dealing with it in an adult way .

And consequently he is being a crap dad to his DD. There is no other way to describe it.

He's not an amazing father, and you are enabling him. I agree with PPs that it's abundantly possible he fought for access just to annoy his ex and actually doesn't want the responsibility now he has it.

If that's not true, then let him prove it by actually spending time with his DD.

He is not "an amazing father". I don't know how you can say that!

If you ever split he will treat your DS exactly the same. Does that give you pause for thought?

He sounds less like an amazing father and more like a selfish, lazy entitled arse

The little boy is still preschool. You can bet your bottom dollar the OP will be dealing with his school hols when he is old enough to have them.

I suspect she will have to change her job to term time only, to take up the slack.

I'm also confused by how he's an amazing father - to me he seems more interested in the weaponizing potential of his daughter to get back at his ex (the way out speak about her makes it abundantly clear that he is extremely bitter towards her and you're leaning the same way) rather than the child herself.

How is he amazing? He won't take time off to see his child when she's visiting him! That's disgusting.

Stop enabling him. He will do the same to your DS should you split up. I also reckon that he only "moved heaven and earth" to get access to piss his ex off. He clearly didn't do it to get access to his child as he doesn't seem remotely bothered about her at all.

'why should I book annual leave just because DD is coming? I don't get enough to cover it all'

sounds as just a shit dad as mine was, claims he loved us but wouldn't do a fucking thing that was inconvienient for us (I am now NC)

If you and mil were working what would he do?

Would he leave a 6yo home alone?

Would he phone in sick?

Don't accommodate him. It's his problem. Leave it to him to find. Solution.

Sounds like dsd would be better off without him.

I agree with everyone else. My friend's ex is like that, tells everyone how amazing he is as a father, but won't pick them up on Friday nights ( on his weekends) because, you know, he works

Cos the rest of us parents in the UK don't ....

Make it his problem, and let him sort it out.

So what does he actually say when you tell him you won't do it?

It's not a time management thing, it's a not taking responsibility for his own daughter thing.

There are 13 weeks of school holidays a year. Parents up and down the country juggle their small A/L allowances to look after their DC for that 13 weeks. They use grandparents and holiday clubs, sure, but basically they take responsibility for sorting something out, and hopefully enjoy seeing their DC too! Your DH is perfectly capable of doing his half of this.

I can easily believe that he thinks you and his DC are his whole world. My dad did the same - thought he was doing everything for us and we were the centre of his world. It was only when we were up and gone that he realised how he had only thought it but not acted on it by doing stuff like being home for bedtime.

It sounds like he talks a good game, but doesn't actually come through with any practical demonstrations of his love for his daughter. It's all very well to claim that he loves her and would do anything for her, but booking annual leave and actually being pleased to spend time with her should be the very minimum she can expect from him.

Honestly, I think this kind of behaviour is worse than a parent who admits that they aren't that bothered about their children - at least they know where they stand then. It sounds like all the 'fighting' he did to get access was to annoy his ex rather than to actually spend time with his daughter - perhaps her bitterness is related to his unwillingness to play a role in their daughter's life.

This is absolutely not a question about organising his time or, as you put it later in your OP, "his poor time management".

And I cannot agree with your statement "And, in so many other ways, he is an amazing OH. He is thoughtful, kind, loving, caring and would do anything for me and his kids, but this has been a bone of contention for a very long time!"
Anything for his kids? In what way is his DD not one of his kids then? That seems to me to be what this is all about - he no longer seems to me to see his DD as his. His daughter, his responsibility - nope, both those realities he rejects.

Two things you've said totally contradict each other:
"His attitude is 'why should I book annual leave just because DD is coming? " And then in your later post, "Oh god yes, he does want his dd to stay. He is an amazing father, has had to move heaven and earth to secure visits as his ex is bitter beyond belief (how ironic the lengths he went to to get access), I've held him whilst he sobbed when he was given 2 weeks notice that she would be moving 400 miles away. But he just doesn't get it, and I feel like an arse for bringing it up. A lot."

You know how that reads to me? For him, 'it's the getting, not the having'. He will run through fire to reach his goal, but once he's got it he realises he didn't really want it, he just wanted to prove that he could get it. It's the getting, not the having. Now, that's fine for a time to run 5k or a rare vinyl copy of an Ella Fitzgerald recording, but we're not talking things her, we're talking about a person. A little girl who is being seriously messed around.

That is truly shocking.

"I want to scream that she's his dd, not mine, and his responsibility, not mine, but I realise what a cuntish thing that is to say. "
Not cuntish at all, it is the truth.

"Oh god yes, he does want his dd to stay. He is an amazing father, has had to move heaven and earth to secure visits as his ex is bitter beyond belief (how ironic the lengths he went to to get access), I've held him whilst he sobbed when he was given 2 weeks notice that she would be moving 400 miles away. But he just doesn't get it, and I feel like an arse for bringing it up. A lot."

Here's an analogy. I cried at ten when a cat died. It doesn't mean I was an amazing pet owner; it was not me who booked catteries, fed the cat, wormed the cat, or cleaned the litter tray out. That cat was very well looked after, but not by me. I just loved it. I am a great pet-owner as an adult, because I demonstrate my love by also caring for my pets.

Parenting is even more demanding than having a pet cat! He ain't an amazing dad, just because he wants his daughter to visit.

So let me get this straight. DD is HIS child yet he expects YOU to take AL to look after her?

Yeah right.

The Easter holidays are coming up. Tell him NOW that he has to book time off. May half term is at the end of May (unless DD lives in Scotland) - if dd is visiting, he'll have to take time off. Talk to your MIL and see if she can knock some sense into him if you can't.

He really does expect the women in his life to look after his kids doesn't he? How typical of the stories on MN and elsewhere - men do their hobbies, women look after kids. Men don't take time off to look after sick child, woman does. Man doesn't come in from night out in time for woman to go out to work. And now this.

Sigh. You and his mum really need to get a lot tougher.

Sorry, had to go out!

To answer a few points.......my OH really isn't a shit father, he truly loves us all and really would do anything for us but he has real problems having any kind of conversation with his ex about anything. I have overheard him asking, twice, in the past 2 weeks alone what the dates of the next holiday are and she has just answered 'I don't know, I'll have to text them later'....the text never arrives. Of course he could look it up but waits..and waits..for the never arriving text.

I am pretty upset at the suggestion that OH fought for access to 'wind up' his poor, suffering ex. This woman behaved in an appalling manner when she kicked him out. She fabricated stories of domestic violence (which were retracted once OH showed evidence to the contrary, all through his solicitor. No apology though.) she would cancel access at the last minute declaring ridiculous reasons, she had many male 'friends' move in with her and her dc, all of whom she would encourage to try and intimidate my OH, She would send text's stating that his DD now has 'another daddy'. He so nearly gave up at that point. The list goes on. This w coming/going homeoman is anything but the poor, suffering ex, much the opposite. She has been atrocious, vile and she moved because from the little clangers she drops she owed quite a lot of money and was several months behind on her rent (not sure how as she was getting £200pm from each of the 3 fathers of her 3 children) She did a moonlight flit, literally. Left at 11pm with just a van load of stuff for her and 3 kids + new OH. iT HAD ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH oh.

and the other thing, which I didn't get to mention, as I could hear him getting up, is that he changed his job at the beginning of January. His previous employers were the NHS, he is now in the private sector so he does get much less annual leave but I don't see that as an excuse. The shifts were also longer in the previous job so he could get all of his shifts out in 3 days, rather than the 5 he now has to work.

Both myself and MIL have spoken to him about this. MIL spoke to him only last week before she went home and said she won't be doing it again. I also haven't booked any leave for the easter holidays (mainly because I wasn't aware of them until 2 days ago when he casually mentioned them. I thought May was the next holiday!).

I feel like I've done him a bit of a disservice with this thread. He really is a great dad, he just needs to do some forward planning. In my mind I don't see why it would be so difficult to arrange the dates of DSD coming/going over the whole year and getting it in writing (but I don't think she would agree to that) Or is that too much to ask?

Oops sorry about the capitals, totally unintentional

my OH really isn't a shit father, he truly loves us all and really would do anything for us

Except take leave to look after a daughter who he only sees every few weeks? This isn't a problem about communicating with his ex - even when he knows that his daughter is coming to stay he thinks 'why should I book annual leave just because she is coming?'. That's a heartbreaking way for a father to treat a 6 year old who, by your account, probably doesn't have the most stable life with her mum, travels 400 miles to see him and then barely gets a day of his time.

I would have thought he would be absolutely desperate to see her and enjoy activities with her that would bridge the physical gap that has been forced between them rather than dismissing her arrival as something of little to no importance to him. Being shit at forward planning and having problems with his ex is no excuse for not even wanting to take time off to spend with his daughter. I don't think you've done him half as much of a disservice as he is doing his daughter (not to mention you and his mum, but at least you are adults and can decide whether or not you want to put up with it).

So why doesn't he look up the dates? They are on a public website.

Sounds to me like he sees childcare as women's work.

I know a few men like this, they "delegate" childcare to the nearest woman, in this case, you, even though you are not the child's parent and he is. My FIL used to do this when his daughter came to see him, he would go to work as usual and leave it to his new wife to look after his daughter. It ruined their relationship as she felt unwanted and farmed out.

You shouldn't put up with this as it isn't fair on the child. Either don't have her come or get her father to sort himself out - if you can look up her holidays and take time off, so can he.

He could look it up but he doesn't.

So ultimately he is to blame for not knowing when the school holidays are then because there are ways he can find out but he chooses not to.

His ex sounds like a twat, granted. But he fought her so damn hard to get access and won, now he has what he wants he's taking it (and you and his parents!) for granted. He needs to get his act together. One day his DD won't want to see the dad that couldn't be arsed to get time of work to see her on her visits.

I'm not truly convinced by all the Bad Woman details about his ex. Despite her refusal to be good and ladylike, I still think he needs to get his act together.