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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want hubby to constantly take my child out of nursery/preschool

57 replies

pipsqueak77 · 24/02/2015 15:48

Just need a bit of perspective on this one I think. It's something my husband and I can't agree on, it's causing arguments and atm I'm livid with him.
My son goes to nursery 3 days a week and is about to begin prechool (within the same nursery). I love how nursery has brought him on in terms of social skills etc and even if I didn't have to work I definitely feel it important for him to attend some kind of nursery/preschool setting to learn how to share, interact, etc etc.
We pay £52 per day for the nursery and I'm constantly fighting a battle with my husband as he constantly wants to take him out of nursery to see his Grandma (who lives very local and can see him ANYTIME she wishes). I hate this as I feel our £52 is wasted, I feel he misses out on important social development and I don't want my son to get used to coming out of preschool just after lunch. I believe nursery and preschool are important in his development. He knows I feel strongly about this but just keeps getting him anyway. It drives me crazy. AIBU to be mad at hubby for randomly taking our son out of preschool at random times of the day?
It kind of follows on from another post I put on Mumsnet about our son staying over at his Grandma's house during the week (on a preschool night). Problem is, Grandma puts him to bed at 10pm, fills him full of sweets and is a crazily bad time keeper would never get him to preschool the next day (she's proved that with another of the grandkids). There are 4 other days and nights when Grandma could see our son - I just don't get why hubby is insisting he take him out of nursery when any of the other 4 days would be fine. He just doesn't see the benefits that nursery can have I guess but I'm fighting a losing battle.
AIBU?

OP posts:
DeliciousMonster · 24/02/2015 15:52

Does he not work?

Original poster
pipsqueak77 · 24/02/2015 15:54

Hi delicious, yes we both work from home so have flexible-ish hours. The preschool is about a mile down our road so if hubby is on his way home from a meeting at say 2pm he'll call in to get our son...

OP posts:
bearleftmonkeyright · 24/02/2015 15:58

Yanbu, you are going to have to be firm about this. You are his mother. Your opinion matters and I dont think either of them understand or appreciate just how valuable preschool is.

Tiredmumno1 · 24/02/2015 15:58

I would be telling him that it is not fair to disrupt the staff at the preschool whenever he likes. Also your DS could be doing something fun and gets taken out right in the middle of it, it's unfair on him too.

TheRealMaryMillington · 24/02/2015 15:58

YANBU about the late nights and sweets
YABU - possibly - about missing the odd nursery session. He has the rest of his life to be constricted by rules of school and work. Does he take him round on non-nursery days too? Is it every week at some random time? I kind of think its important that your DS knows if he's coming or going. If it's once a month picking up an hour early (and DH does any subsequent childcare) then I don't see the problem. If it's every week at a different time then, not so fabulous.

airforsharon · 24/02/2015 16:01

Sorry if i'm being a bit thick OP but how old is your ds? My dcs went to playgroup rather than nursery/preschool so i'm not sure what age he would be for preschool.
Anyhoo, assuming he is closer to school age rather than a toddler I think yanbu. Once he starts school your ds won't be able to come and go as he pleases so I think your dh is potentially setting him a bad example by removing him from nursery on a whim. And as you say, there are other days in the week your dh could be taking him to Grandma's etc

DoJo · 24/02/2015 16:03

YANBU - it's not ideal for his routine to be chopped and changed if the very reason for him to be there is to start getting the hang of routine! Why does your husband insist on doing this?

Original poster
pipsqueak77 · 24/02/2015 16:05

It's always kind of random TheRealMary, just when he feels like it. DS is doing settling in days in the preschool room over the next few weeks so I really don't want that disrupted, but guess id feel the same even if he wasn't. I think I'm also in a tiz cos my husband just doesn't take what I say into consideration, it's his way or the highway. I'm not near my family and am 5 months pregnant and sometimes feel a bit outnumbered. My family do things very differently to DH's family but we didn't really see that til we had DS. DH and I aren't in a great place right now so I think that's getting mixed up into all of this as well. When a husband and wife have such strong (polar opposite) feelings, what do you do? My suggestion is compromise but DH doesn't seem to have that word in his vocabulary Confused

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 24/02/2015 16:06

Why can't the grandma see your DS on the non-nursery days only?

It sounds as though she's making arrangements directly with your DH, to ignore and undermine something you and DH have agreed upon. Is that right?

If your DH disagrees strongly with your son attending nursery, or his mother is only available on certain days of the week, he needs to have that conversation with you, not allow a 'joint' decision to be made, then sabotage it.

Original poster
pipsqueak77 · 24/02/2015 16:07

I don't know DoJo, he just thinks it's better for DS to be out of preschool and with family, but he's 3 and I think a school-type structure for 3 days a week will help him. He's already proved how good nursery is for him cos he's such a happy and social little lad

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 24/02/2015 16:09

How often does it happen? How many days has he missed since,say, Christmas?

Original poster
pipsqueak77 · 24/02/2015 16:17

Hi hakluyt, it started just the odd day say once a month (got no problem with that), but now it's whenever he feels like it. It's been every week for the last 3 weeks. I think part of the reason I'm so frustrated is DH just does it, even tho he knows I feel strongly about it, then just hangs up on me when I find out and call to ask where he is. DH has been acting like a knob lately Wink so things are already stretched at home so I'm quick to get cross cos of all the other crap that's been happening. Sometimes it just feels like it's me vs "them" and that feeling stinks.

OP posts:
toomuchtooold · 24/02/2015 16:19

YANBU. Why cant the visit to Gran's be at the same time each week, then you could build it into your DS' schedule? At this age they really respond well to routine and knowing what is coming next. But you're going to have to surface DH's resistance before you'll get anywhere as he's decided to just go around you.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 24/02/2015 16:24

Once a month I would say isn't an issue, every week is very disruptive - how is your DS supposed to feel settled if he is wondering whether Daddy is going to scoop him up at any moment.

BackforGood · 24/02/2015 16:31

I think that every week is silly. Apart from all the other considerations like taking him out when he's in the middle of doing something he enjoys, and the issue ofhim not knowing what to expect each day, there's the complete waste of money of paying for a place that he's not using.
If he only goes for 3 days a week, then I can't understand why Grandma can't see him on the other 4 days, or even, after Nursery (perhaps have him round for tea?) on one of the days he goes.

Interesting language though - that you refer to "my" dc, not "our" dc.

RitaOrange · 24/02/2015 16:41

If the DC are constantly taken out of PreSchool or Nursery here they would lose their place.

vdbfamily · 24/02/2015 16:52

I will go against the grain here and say that I think it is far better for kids to spend time with their family than in nursery.It is a good thing that your DH loves his son enough to want to collect him rather than go down the pub or play golf or whatever men do when they are avoiding their kids. I think it would be worth suggesting to him that he do it regularly on a set day and not mess nursery around though. It would be cheaper if you only had to pay for a half day would it not?

Original poster
pipsqueak77 · 24/02/2015 16:52

BackForGood.. Yes I know what you mean (about the language), it disturbs me too, we both talk like that these days. We have such different views on so many things and I really don't know why some issues are only surfacing now. I'm trying to get DH to agree to couple counselling but he won't do it. I think part of the issue is I do EVERYTHING at home and for DS, and I work, and the house ROTC is never "good enough" in DHs eyes so I'm constantly walking in eggshells. I guess that's why I say "my" etc, cos I feel like I'm the only one doing stuff sometimes

OP posts:
Original poster
pipsqueak77 · 24/02/2015 16:58

Vdb, yes it would be a lot cheaper! When I think about how much we pay each month for preschool and then when I translate that into the amount of hours I need to work, it gets scary. I take your point though, and it's not all about money. I just feel so bloody undermined. Like I said, maybe that's part of why I feel do strongly.

OP posts:
rumbleinthrjungle · 24/02/2015 16:58

....It sounds a bit from reading your descriptions like he's doing it to wind you up.

tobysmum77 · 24/02/2015 17:05

they won't lose their place if you are paying privately.

If he's done it every week for the past 3 weeks I would be suggesting he takes an afternoon a week off and we reduce to 2.5 days.

But I think yabu personally as apart from the wasted money he doesn't need to be in for 3 whole days for 'development'

HouseAtreides · 24/02/2015 17:20

It sounds like this is the tip of the iceberg wrt your H's behaviour.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 24/02/2015 17:35

Yadnbu wrt your husband undermining you and wasting money. How long is he there for, though? Mine have to be in nursery for 10-11hrs when I commute so I encourage family to pick them up when they can as it is a very long day otherwise. Nursery school would only be three hours, and reception 6 so he might have been there that long by 2pm. My nursery does full time for the price of three days though, so I don't feel I am losing out when they aren't there.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 24/02/2015 17:55

Your husband doesn't respect you at all, that is at the root of your problem.

The question is, what will you do? If he won't go to counselling then he is telling you that you either accept that he will rule the roost and make decisions over your head, or you leave him.

APlaceInTheWinter · 24/02/2015 18:07

Does your DH pass the nursery on his way home so thinks it's easier to collect DS when he passes rather than go home and then have to come back out? I'm just thinking that if I had to drive past nursery to get home then I'd probably collect my DC rather than have the faff of going home and then coming back out.

You can go to Relate for counselling on your own if he won't go with you. It might help you to tease out the important issues from the minor ones. tbh I'm not sure which this is. It sounds as though he thinks you didn't listen to him about not wanting your DC in nursery and he's not listening to you that you think it's important your DC is in nursery and has a stable routine. You're getting entrenched in opposite positions and that's not going to help anyone.