AIBU to not want hubby to constantly take my child out of nursery/preschool

[pipsqueak77]

Just need a bit of perspective on this one I think. It's something my husband and I can't agree on, it's causing arguments and atm I'm livid with him.
My son goes to nursery 3 days a week and is about to begin prechool (within the same nursery). I love how nursery has brought him on in terms of social skills etc and even if I didn't have to work I definitely feel it important for him to attend some kind of nursery/preschool setting to learn how to share, interact, etc etc.
We pay £52 per day for the nursery and I'm constantly fighting a battle with my husband as he constantly wants to take him out of nursery to see his Grandma (who lives very local and can see him ANYTIME she wishes). I hate this as I feel our £52 is wasted, I feel he misses out on important social development and I don't want my son to get used to coming out of preschool just after lunch. I believe nursery and preschool are important in his development. He knows I feel strongly about this but just keeps getting him anyway. It drives me crazy. AIBU to be mad at hubby for randomly taking our son out of preschool at random times of the day?
It kind of follows on from another post I put on Mumsnet about our son staying over at his Grandma's house during the week (on a preschool night). Problem is, Grandma puts him to bed at 10pm, fills him full of sweets and is a crazily bad time keeper would never get him to preschool the next day (she's proved that with another of the grandkids). There are 4 other days and nights when Grandma could see our son - I just don't get why hubby is insisting he take him out of nursery when any of the other 4 days would be fine. He just doesn't see the benefits that nursery can have I guess but I'm fighting a losing battle.
AIBU?

Yeah I think the respect thing is all in the mix with this :( If he won't come to counselling I might see if I can go to talk to someone myself. It might help me deal with certain situations a bit more calmly. I'm desperate to keep our "differences" away from DS's ears. Kids are like atmosphere sponges so I want to get our issues sorted. And quick before DS/DD arrives in a few months! Yikes

If your DH is taking DS out of nursery on the same afternoon, then move the half day to a different day (or go down to 2.5 days). Not an ideal solution, as I do think your DH is doing it to wind you up.

Longer term, I think you have a bigger problem with DH.

You have much bigger problems than the nursary. Your husband doesn't respect you, ignores how you feel, wont discuss it with you, wont compromise and hangs up on you (good god!) when you call to ask where your child is. What does motivate him? How on the brink are you two? I sure as shit would not be happy in your shoes.

If the house is "never good enough in dh's eyes", and he has so much time on his hands he can collect you dc from a paid for Nursery place, is there a good reason why he can't spend those "spare hours" doing some housework himself ???

I am going against the grain too. I think spending time with family at age three is much more important than preschool.

I think the talk of husband respecting you could go the other way too. You are putting more value on your ideas than his. Preschool isn't a hill to die on.

The housework is another issue. If you both work similar amounts of time then the responsibility for housework should also be split.

I would be quite resentful if I was doing the house stuff, looking after DC and working only to see my salary go on a nursery place which was not being used.
And the Grandma thing is awful - he does not need to do a sleepover every week and especially on a pre- school night. Sugar has a dreadful effect on my DS and what you describe would knock his sleep for about three days.
It all sounds tough
My DS needs routine; I take him out of nursery early the same day every week. He knows I do that; it is because he is not good with full days, he has three full days and one shorter day. So, I can't say your H shouldn't take him out, but it sounds like it is part of a bigger issue being used to get at you?

This has FA to do with nursery and everything to do with your dh being an arse. Walking on eggshells is NOT good.

What else does he do to disrespect /control you?

Why are you doing everything?

YANBU. And, if my DH refused to attend couples counseling then I'd be thinking of leaving.

What spoonyfucker said.

:)

I agree with Penelope, if your DH is being an arse then that is the problem.

Thanks for all your replies. Yeah I do think it runs deeper than coming out of nursery early. I'm not uptight normally and quite relaxed about stuff generally (although I always had some form or routine for DS which has helped both DS and myself and DH enormously). He's older now and much more malleable if that's the right word but I DO want him home on a school night and I don't want him eating a tub of haribo for his dinner. Our issues I think lie more with myself and DH. He gets stressed and can come in and go crazy because of a couple of small things being out of place, then the next night can leave a right mess around the house and not care. I never know what I'll get when he comes in. We can have a good week, then a week of really odd behaviour. But it always coincides with him being stressed. Thing is I work too (3 days a week) and have to work (from home) most evenings too once DS is in bed. I do the vast majority of cooking, all the washing, food shopping, cleaning loos, hoovering etc. I have no idea what the problem is with the house as it always looks spotless. It can literally be the tiniest thing to make DH blow up. I'm in this for the long haul tho, i do still care and I know DH does too (although sometimes it's hard to tell) but I just don't know what to do really. This nursery thing is yet one more argument. I think cos I feel so disrespected so often I'm quick to react at stuff these days. Which is annoying cos that's not me. It's like I'm morphing into someone I'm not which is really frustrating.

It's good that you're recognising its impact on you. If you don't like who it's making you become then single counselling is probably a good idea. It will help you get in touch with what's important to you and rediscover yourself.

Sometimes unbalanced relationships can cause you to lose yourself and counsellors are good at helping you to put the you back into not only your relationship but your life.

My Dad used to do that, come in from work and almost look for stuff out of place to go ballistic over. It made for a horrible atmosphere and we used to panic as older kids when we heard the car on the driveway and start sweeping up and clutter, bits of paper etc and legging it to be out of the firing line. It's horrible behaviour and its a learned one imo. Ask him if his Dad did something similar?

He is being a total arse and picking a fight with you. Is his business/job on the line?

That's exactly what I do TreadSoftly, I hear the car and then rush around making sure there's nothing in the sink or any cups left lying about etc. Makes me feel sick that I do it cos I always thought I'd be stronger than that. But when you have a preschooler and are pregnant it's sometimes easier to do it than have an argument. Daft thing is, he has a fab life, great secure job, he goes out (sports clubs and to see his friends) 3 days a week, has a good relationship with our DS and his family... I guess his Dad follows a similar pattern... Does his own thing whenever he wants and DHs mum doesn't seem to mind, but I don't hear him treating her with blatant disrespect. And the house def isn't spotless 24/7 (I don't mean that nastily, I just mean it's homely and normal!) so he hasn't got the tidy obsession from them. It's not consistent tho... One day he flips over a plate, the next he's as messy as they come so it's hard to keep up and work out what the actual issue is.

:( Please stop worrying about how the house is when he comes in, how utterly horrible to live like that - what happens when the DC are older? You are teaching them that you, and they, are less important than your H, and that your H's whims must be anticipated if at all possible. It is abuse.

Has this got worse since you got pregnant with DC2?

Ah, consistent inconsistency is it?

One of the more subtle forms of gaslighting. You're being modified OP. If he were angry on specific days or there were single triggers, you could prepare. But he wants you nervous. When you're nervous, he's OK. You're malleable. I would bet that on days you exhibit strength, or joy, or calm, he kicks off.

Try an experiment. Give an account of something you enjoyed or achieved while not in his presence and see what happens.

I'm trying Alibabs, it's crazy to put down in words what I do when I hear his car cos I almost don't want to admit I do it. I always thought I was a strong and independent person and it makes me feel shitty and weak to race around trying to avoid a tongue lashing. Deffo don't want to be supporting his behaviour in front of DCs. Yes def worse since getting pregnant.
DisgracetotheY, I've never heard of gaslighting. But yes "modifying" would fit the bill. It freaks him out when I'm calm and in control. We can have weeks where everything is rosy but then it can all change in a flash. I want to work it out for DCs and for us, I'm just not sure how to go about making him see he has issues of his own...

Re. Experiment, I went out for the day with DS, had a great time with his little buddies and DH was not in a good mood, kicked off about a sheet of paper on the kitchen table, it was almost like he was jealous of my fun day..?

He hasnt got a tidy obsession OP, what he has is an abuse obsession.

A sheet of paper on the kitchen table? In a house with a child in it?

Oh dear OP, that doesn't sound good.

I think other posters are correct, you are being gaslighted into 'behaving'.

Other more knowledgeable posters will hopefully be along soon.

One thing to avoid is counselling with this man, counselling with abuse involved doesn't work.

OP if i were you i would take your post from 20:46:55 from ''He gets stressed and can come in and go crazy because ...'', add in your subsequent ones and make a new thread in Relationships.

Not saying you're getting bad responses here, but it will be more to the point i feel, and you'll get lots of support on the Rships board.

OP what you have to accept is that you aren't responsible for him and his behaviour. He has to see that the way he is is not acceptable - but if he is refusing counselling then that suggests that he is not open to the possibility that he needs to change.
You cannot make the marriage work on your own, nor should you feel responsible for doing so.

With the sheet of paper thing - what would happen if you just laughed at him for being so silly 'you are moaning about a sheet of paper when we have children? Haha don't be daft', and carry on with your day rather than what - putting the sheet of paper away?

Call womens aid.

Yanbu what a waste of money disruptive to staff and disruptive to your ds if wouldn't be happy either.

Why does dh dismiss your views so easily though? I'd not be happy