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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be friends with this woman

81 replies

DextersMistress · 21/02/2015 22:28

I feel horrible just writing that Sad
My ds has a 'best friend' in nursery. Before Christmas bf's mum gave me her number to arrange a play date over the holidays. We met at soft play and tbh it was pretty strained, the dc played happily together but we didn't really click. She didn't stay long and that was that until a few weeks ago, she invited us to her house to play. I felt on the spot a little bit as she asked in front of the dc and they were pleading so we went.
Again, we didn't have much to talk about but passed the time playing with dc. As we left, dp's said can they come to our house next time and I said yes. (Felt rude not returning the favour)
So this week they came to us, and stayed all day. I was literally cooking dinner with her watching me in the kitchen before they left. My house was trashed and I was shattered. Now I would like to leave it at that, politely decline any further meetings but I feel guilty. She texts me everyday. Says she has no other friends in the area and she's so glad she met me.
I feel awful but honestly we have nothing in common and it feels really awkward. Aibu? WWyd?

OP posts:
ICantDecideOnAUsername · 21/02/2015 22:30

Well you have one thing in common - your kids.

Only1scoop · 21/02/2015 22:31

If the dc enjoy playing Id probably meet up now and then but out of the house. You can go then when you are ready. Texts you everyday? Why on earth? I'd certainly nip that in the bud....

HermioneWeasley · 21/02/2015 22:31

YANBU to not want to be friends with anyone you don't want to.

There is probably a reason she doesn't have any other friends.....

AliMonkey · 21/02/2015 22:36

For your DC's sake can you occasionally meet up somewhere with a time limit (eg some soft plays) or deliberately at a time when you have something else on later which means you can't stay long? Or suggest meeting at eg a parent and toddler group where your DCs can play together but you can talk to other people (and she may make other friends!)

Original poster
DextersMistress · 21/02/2015 22:36

Yes, we have dc in common but that's about it. I feel so shit, she's obviously lonely and I don't want to upset her. I would meet up now and then but she's texting every day, how are you, how are dc, when are you free. It's too much.

OP posts:
AliMonkey · 21/02/2015 22:39

Just seen you said daily texts! Perhaps if you respond with fact that you have a busy few weeks but how about meeting up on particular date so you have something in diary so she can't keep nagging. Perhaps suggest some groups she could try in meantime eg local toddler group or rhymetime or similar?

And if she really won't take the hint then change your phone number!!

EdSheeran · 21/02/2015 22:42

Can you go to activities together, so it's not as awkward and strange?

Original poster
DextersMistress · 21/02/2015 22:43

If I don't reply to her text she wil Facebook message me Confused
Fwiw she's lived in this area for longer than me, I don't know of any groups but I will find some!

OP posts:
Original poster
DextersMistress · 21/02/2015 22:55

Wrt activities we're limited because she doesn't drive and has no money. When we went to soft play I paid for everything.

OP posts:
WiggleGinger · 21/02/2015 23:08

Initially I thought YABU but as I read more I think YANBU, as harsh as it may sound.
I agree with the pp's on non home based activities, but perhaps based in your last comment, free activities like walks, the park, library etc.

It sounds harsh if she has no friends but I think you have to be firm, set a date stuck to it & mention then you see her how you don't always check texts etc (or does that sound lame?) hmmm I'm struggling with how to politely say, "stop texting every sodding day"

championnibbler · 21/02/2015 23:08

Hmmmm,
that she stayed and blithely watch you cooking dinner is annoying for sure.
some people just don't know when to go home.

and you forked out for soft play.
i would not want to get into that habit.
it sounds like she is already becoming dependent on you.
i would distance myself.

rollonthesummer · 21/02/2015 23:12

Wrt activities we're limited because she doesn't drive and has no money. When we went to soft play I paid for everything.

Blimey.

I wouldn't do that again. How old are the children? Can't you invite her child round to play without her?

CliveCussler · 21/02/2015 23:15

Nip it in the bud now. 'Best friends' at nursery often don't last and even if they do your dc can be friends without you having to be friends with this mum.

Remember your dc are spending a lot of time playing together at nursery already, they don't necessarily need to see much of each other outside too. If the boys' friendship does last, you can always invite the friend over without the mum and arrange clear drop off/collection times so you don't have him too long.

Loletta · 21/02/2015 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/02/2015 23:24

Yanbu just tell her your busy, just meet every few weeks.

chocolateorsalad · 21/02/2015 23:25

YANBU. But if you're children are good friends and not at the age yet where you can drop and run, I would do as other posters have said and arrange meet-ups outside the home so you can leave when you want to. Park, local stay and play session, that sort of thing. And don't pay for her again!

I was in a similar situation. Met a nanny at toddler group. She seemed nice enough and the girl she looked after was the same age as my DS. So we arranged to meet up again with the children. They played and had a great time but it was a bit awkward between us. We just didn't click from my point of view but I'm quite shy anyway and struggle to think of conversation around new people so I gave the friendship more chances, but she became very full on. We met up twice without the kids, because both of us didn't know many people in the area, but it was very awkward and she would text a lot, and if I went a week or so without seeing her, she would make a huge point about it the next time I saw her, which I found a bit uncomfortable and odd. I don't even see my best friend more than once or twice a month! I kept it to meeting up at the toddler group and eventually it fizzled out.

Original poster
DextersMistress · 21/02/2015 23:37

Dc are 4 and we both have younger ones as well. I think I'll have to distance myself a bit although it'll be hard, she waits at the nursery for me and I have to make excuses all the time to not stand and chat for ages. I just feel mean, she seems so pleased to have a friend but Im not good with the clinginess Sad

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 22/02/2015 00:13

Why not just meet outside, at play centres and parks? Your DS has someone to run around with, you have someone to chat to, and you can leave whenever you like!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 22/02/2015 05:21

Being harsh here - its not your job to assuage her loneliness....
Ive been caught in several of these 'friendship s'... Perfectly nice people.. Just we dont click... And they dont seem to realise... Happy tolerating it!

I reframe it as youre doing you both a favour as she will have tje chance to find a really deeper r/s but not just with yoi??

FatSwan · 22/02/2015 05:28

I've been in a similar situation, and can relate to how you're feeling.

Constant texts/msging and overstays and paying for stuff is going to make your life hell.

Next time she asks, tell her you'll contact her when you're free to get together.

And then keep yourself busy.

HoggleHoggle · 22/02/2015 06:04

Argh, I would hate this. It's awful that she feels lonely and obviously that needs to be treated with kindness, HOWEVER texting someone every day, waiting for someone at nursery every time, contacting you on fb if you don't reply, is all way, way too much. And you paying for her too! That's all bad social behaviour and it shouldn't be put up with just because she's lonely.

People hanging around my house when it's clear that I've got things to be getting on with is one of my biggest annoyances.

I agree with pp to suggest a date to meet but have it in the future so she hopefully backs off a bit until then and then keep doing that. Meet somewhere where you can leave when you are ready and also where you don't have to pay for anything!

It would be nice in an ideal world to meet every so often for your dc's sake and also so this woman does have some social interaction given that she's lonely but it's not up to you to fulfil her social needs each and every day.

Original poster
DextersMistress · 22/02/2015 09:01

I think maybe I'll suggest a trip to the park when the weather gets better. The kids are almost certainly going to different primary schools so from September it'll be easier as awful as that sounds!
I just want her to meet someone else, I don't dislike her, we just don't click.

OP posts:
Nothavingfunrightnow · 22/02/2015 09:34

Bear in mind that you are not responsible for sorting out her apparent loneliness And there is no obligation on you to become her new "best friend" just because your children play together at nursery.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 22/02/2015 09:46

As you've said the kids will be going to different schools I think it should be easy enough to nip this in the bud. I feel a bit sorry for her but her loneliness and lack of other friends isn't your problem. She sounds a bit full on and letting you pay for everything is bad form. Some good suggestions here, hope she leaves you in peace soon!

rollonthesummer · 22/02/2015 09:57

How did you come to pay for everything?