Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be friends with this woman

81 replies

DextersMistress · 21/02/2015 22:28

I feel horrible just writing that Sad
My ds has a 'best friend' in nursery. Before Christmas bf's mum gave me her number to arrange a play date over the holidays. We met at soft play and tbh it was pretty strained, the dc played happily together but we didn't really click. She didn't stay long and that was that until a few weeks ago, she invited us to her house to play. I felt on the spot a little bit as she asked in front of the dc and they were pleading so we went.
Again, we didn't have much to talk about but passed the time playing with dc. As we left, dp's said can they come to our house next time and I said yes. (Felt rude not returning the favour)
So this week they came to us, and stayed all day. I was literally cooking dinner with her watching me in the kitchen before they left. My house was trashed and I was shattered. Now I would like to leave it at that, politely decline any further meetings but I feel guilty. She texts me everyday. Says she has no other friends in the area and she's so glad she met me.
I feel awful but honestly we have nothing in common and it feels really awkward. Aibu? WWyd?

OP posts:
Original poster
DextersMistress · 22/02/2015 14:47

Tbf she told me in such a matter of fact way I'm not sure she realised just how bad it is. She does now. Without giving too much away, her dp gives her a pittance to 'do her job' (sahm) and if something isn't to his liking he 'fines' her Angry

OP posts:
finnbarrcar · 22/02/2015 14:52

These situations are something you're never prepared for before you have DCs and no one really talks about it. Before DCs you would only ever be friends with people you really wanted to spend time with but after you find yourself thrown together with folks you would never normally spend time with.

You sound like a very nice person OP but this woman isn't your responsibility and she sounds like a bit of a user and clingon. That's probably why she doesn't have (m)any other friends.

Unfortunately this probably won't be the last time this situation happens to you, it's very common going through nursery, school etc.. It's great when your DCs are old enough to manage their own friendships and you can take a step back from it all. On the plus side you can make genuine, long lasting friends through it. Good luck OP.

quietbatperson · 22/02/2015 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DextersMistress · 22/02/2015 20:41

Thank you, I didn't think of that. I can't find any free groups close by but I'm still looking as I'll see her tomorrow.

OP posts:
quietbatperson · 23/02/2015 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenofallIsee · 23/02/2015 20:43

I am sorry that she is not very happy in her marriage but I would quietly step back by being busy often and phase her out. I sympathise with your plight - I had to quite sharply bin off a woman who would expect daily contact, never paid for anything, always had a huge drama going on, who was casually racist etc etc and would send me very long messages about how disappointing I was if I didn't see her as often as she deemed needed.....life is to short!

Original poster
DextersMistress · 23/02/2015 22:23

So this morning I was prepared, found a children's centre close to her and had their leaflets. I gave her one and told her to check it out, said I couldn't stop to chat I was in a rush and left.

Couple of hours later she text me, she'd mentioned to some online friends about her dp and they told her it was abuse. She was in tears and didn't know what to do, had to speak to someone. So I went and picked her and her ds up (I know) and took them to a shopping centre and bought them lunch

I've told her to call woman's aid, which she's doing tomorrow. She's also opening a bank account and will have cb paid into it.

I honestly don't want to be involved in this situation but she has no one. Her dp called while we were out, asking where she was and who with. Apparently he never calls from work and she thinks he's had her followed.

Don't know what else to do.

OP posts:
MavisG · 23/02/2015 23:17

You were very kind to do that today. You can be her friend in a much more minor way than she'd like, without it costing you too much? Be clear with yourself about what you do and don't want to do, give yourself time to think through how you really want to respond to any future urgent summonses, & if you want to, try to make some local friends/be busy yourself.

She is clearly going through a very bad time. How lovely of you to go get her today & look after her.

stayanotherday · 24/02/2015 00:00

You sound lovely dexters. It must be horrible but please be wary of getting too involved. You were right to point her in the right direction.

I've had somebody like this at voluntary work who had nobody. I was friendly but explained that I can meet up and have friends but I work full time and I'm a carer with no help. I say this as most people, particularly lonely people want more than is reasonable. She used to text between 10 - 20 times a day from early morning until after 23.00. Every text I answered, there'd be 3 more. I explained I couldn't keep up with that as working all day. She wanted me to spend every Sunday with her, I didn't as it was too much but invited her for coffee, meals, etc. It would be agreed but on the day there was always a problem and she cancelled. Then flurry of texts. I couldn't deal with it in the end. Then they wonder why they're lonely.

It's a shame but hope you don't get this.

Original poster
DextersMistress · 24/02/2015 08:30

Thank you both, stay that sounds really tough.
I know that by doing this I'm probably encouraging her but I just can't leave her with no one. She wants to go back to her home country (which tbh would be the best outcome all round) but she doesn't know if she can take dc without dp's permission. I don't either but said woman's aid will be able to help with all that.

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 24/02/2015 09:25

You did the right thing Dexter, you cannot get too involved and referring her to the experts is the right move. I am a bit of a cynic, its amazing how often needy people I have come into contact with have a crisis precisely when I/someone else pulls back from them - the woman I mentioned above had real trouble with a relative, absolutely genuine issue as I am sure this lady's issues are, but when I started to pull back from her her reaction to the relatives actions really escalated, even though the situation remained quite constant. So I don't think that this should change your action plan that much

Original poster
DextersMistress · 24/02/2015 09:32

Well I've just seen the light a little bit. She wasn't at the nursery this morning so I texted asking if everything was ok. She took a while to reply and I was starting to panic, was ready to drive round/call the police.
She's just texted saying she's fine, had a talk with dp and not sure what to do now, love him so much.
It may be selfish of me but I'm ready to walk away, if she genuinely needs help to get out I will do it but I'm not getting dragged into a domestic situation of people I don't even know! I'm just deciding what to reply.

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 24/02/2015 09:37

You sound really kind and supportive OP. To be honest if you can afford it and don't mind doing it occasionally then lunch or tea/biscuits round your place can often be the boost some people need.

It must also be awful for her being in a country where presumably English isn't her first language and few/no friends and wanting to move home, hopefully with your support (but not too much) she can look into this and escape her unhappy home life.

SuperFlyHigh · 24/02/2015 09:40

OP - I've just seen your latest post (posted mine too soon) - maybe Relationships would be a better place for this?

If she really is in an abusive relationship her DP can persuade her all sorts to get her to stay. Trust me, I've been through this before with one or two friends... never easy.

If life were like a fairy-tale she'd leave and walk away immediately but life isn't like that.

prettywhiteguitar · 24/02/2015 09:40

I would back off but suggest just talking to woman's aid so she can make her mind up about her situation.

Just keep saying stuff like I'm not qualified to help you and they are great to work things through as I don't know your situation. Maybe that's why she's being clingy if she's having a shit time, however you can't help her, only women's aid or other support groups Sad

Original poster
DextersMistress · 24/02/2015 09:51

I will suggest she still calls woman's aid. I can see how it's going to pan out though. She'll stay, he'll continue to treat her like shit, she'll lean on me. I'll try and help and she'll still stay. Repeat.
I know how it works because I've been there. I don't want to leave her with no one but I'm not strong enough to take all of this on.

The ironic part is that my own rs is far from rosy and I should listen to a bit of my own advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
DextersMistress · 24/02/2015 09:53

Also, I can't really afford it. Eating out is a treat for us but her ds was crying and she said he was hungry. They had both only eaten biscuits.

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 24/02/2015 11:46

OP - what I'd maybe say (in a nice way) is that you're not qualified to deal with it and it's too close to home for you to get involved. You can also confide if need be really not feeling strong enough to take it on, but say if she needs you or playdates with your DS (with coffee/tea) you're happy to do that.

I'd also point out that lunch out is a treat for you and that you can't afford it but you're happy to do other things or invite her (if you want) round for coffee.

QueenofallIsee · 24/02/2015 11:51

Dexters, I really think that this woman is a user. She hadn't fed her child and was happy for you to buy lunch for them both as well as listening to her woes? I assume there was no protest that you didn't have to do that and it was expected that you would after the last time that you fed them, gave her food from your cupboards etc? She may well be in a hard situation and I am sorry about that but that doesn't mean she isn't a user. You don't have to do this, get some distance in there before it gets harder

Original poster
DextersMistress · 24/02/2015 12:27

It did cross my mind that I picked her up at 11am and straight away her ds was crying with hunger. And no, she didn't protest. I said shall we go and get a coffee and she said yes but I have no money. I have been used in the past and I'm told I'm gullible. But I do believe what she says regarding her dp.
I'm not due to see her for the rest of the week, our dc only attend nursery together Monday's and Tuesday's. She's sent a few messages today, I've replied to a couple and ignored the rest. I will probably agree to a play date when the weather is better and be 'busy' in the meantime.
If she gets in touch and genuinely needs help I will help her but I'm not going to volunteer too much.
Thank you to everyone who offered advice, I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
wol1968 · 24/02/2015 12:56

The bit about the child crying with hunger is what's bothering me here OP. If you're worried about the welfare of the kids, perhaps you should have a discreet chat with the nursery manager about your concerns. Other than that, I'd suggest setting your boundaries in stone. Give only the help you feel qualified to give, that doesn't take over your time, energy and money, and keep chats with her for when you feel she won't take you over. And don't expect her to be grateful to you necessarily. Grin

I have a friend with a disability who can also come over as very emotionally needy (and does have a lot going on). I don't respond to all her calls, but will be a listening ear when necessary. We do meet fairly regularly, often with one other mutual friend, but I don't do things like meals, lifts or shopping because I feel that's too much to commit to.

rollonthesummer · 24/02/2015 13:08

I'd pick her up and have a packed of biscuits in the car-at least that's 40p and not £5.

What are all these texts saying?

Original poster
DextersMistress · 24/02/2015 13:16

The first few were about her conversations with her dp last night. Then that she was going to the bank today to open an account. Then some info about a medical condition she has. The last one was a fb message.

OP posts:
Original poster
DextersMistress · 24/02/2015 13:17

I'm going to have a word with the nursery when I pick ds up shortly.

OP posts:
FriendofDorothy · 24/02/2015 14:58

I do get what you are saying about not getting dragged in but I also feel sad for her.

You might be the only person who is providing some hope for her at the moment. I am not saying that means that you have to feed, clothe and accommodate her and her kids, but maybe it is something to be mindful of.