Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell ex that he cannot have dd2 for the weekend if he's going to allow his niece and her friend to take her out for the day?

66 replies

D0oinMeCleanin · 20/02/2015 16:48

Dd2 is 7.

The niece and the friend are 13 and 14.

They want to take her to the cinema in town. They'll get a lift there and walk/get the bus back. It would be during the day, so not dark.

The bus stop/route they'd be walking is along a dual carriageway.

He's done this before, I've told him that dd2 is too young. He did not listen and has planned it again. I've told him if it is going ahead I'll have no choice but to stop dd2 from staying with him.

So as not to drip feed, dd2 has a habit of running away when she's in a mood and has zero road sense.

She reduced my mother to tears a few weeks ago owing to running in the road when it was icy, refusing to listen and refusing to hold hands (whenever my mum made a grab for her hand she bolted and my mum couldn't run as fast in the ice)

OP posts:
Chessie00 · 20/02/2015 16:50

Yanbu.

If he won't act like a responsible parent and put her safety first, you need to do it for him.

CheeseandGherkins · 20/02/2015 16:52

Yanbu. He's clearly an idiot.

maddy68 · 20/02/2015 16:52

Honestly she will be fine and will love it.
This is pnd of many hurdles that you will come across. He is a
So her parent and as such is just as capable of making good and bad decisions.

They are getting a lift there, the bus will be exciting and she is less likely to run off from the giris than she is you as she will be less 'comfortable' in doing so

FireflySerenity · 20/02/2015 16:56

He is her parent and has the right to make choices just like you do when she's in your care. You chose this man as her father so presumably you trust him.

You can't control every aspect of his contact with what you deem to be to your standards.

gobbynorthernbird · 20/02/2015 16:59

I think it is fine, and a ridiculous reason to stop contact.

Original poster
D0oinMeCleanin · 20/02/2015 16:59

Yes he has the right to make choices but not choices that will endanger her.

I have no issues at all with his niece, she is a lovely girl and is responsible and grown up for 13 but if dd2 decided she wanted to lock herself in the bathroom, run off or try and take herself home she would not know how to cope. No 13yo would. Those behaviours are all known to dd2.

OP posts:
Joyfulldeathsquad · 20/02/2015 17:00

YANBU due to the added info of her being irresponsible near roads.

Otherwise I have said let her go. I would also tell dd that she isn't gong due to her bad behaviour when out her grandmother.

OfficerVanHalen · 20/02/2015 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hakluyt · 20/02/2015 17:03

Why does your 7 year old behave like this?

Patchworkpatty · 20/02/2015 17:04

As her parent he has an equal right to decide what is appropriate when she is in his care. I doubt you would listen if he said ' I don't want her to be left with your mother because she ran off when she looked after her.' .. You have to allow him to parent as he sees fit during his time with her.

Hakluyt · 20/02/2015 17:04

Would a compromise be for him to take them and pick them up?

SoonToBeSix · 20/02/2015 17:05

A 13 and 14 year old are perfectly capable of looking after a 7 year old. You are being over protective . Fair enough during your contact time but up to your ex to make his own choices.

Original poster
D0oinMeCleanin · 20/02/2015 17:08

I don't know Hakluyt, she is similar at school, limited attention span and prone to rash decisions.

There was talk of having her assessed for SEN not too long ago, but they decided against that in the end. She still must sit at the teachers desk or "naughty table" as her friends tell me to try and keep her on track with her work.

She is just head strong, dreamy, temperamental and easily over existed, she seems to lack control over her actions when over excited or angry. She is always sorry afterwards. She does have consequences, namely loss of electronic devices.

I have offered to arrange a lift there and back for all three of them, which I'd be happier with but he is now refusing to talk to me about it.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 20/02/2015 17:09

I think the issue is more why she is so badly behaved for you and your mum yet seems perfectly ok with their other parent and other side of the family ?

Surely if he thought there was any danger he wouldn't allow it

Do you think your daughter just 'plays you up?

sosix · 20/02/2015 17:13

I wouldn't dream of letting my very sensible 13 year old take my nearly 6 year old, infact i would only let 10 year play out with her not go off to cinema, town etc

ThingummyJigg · 20/02/2015 17:14

I think a child who bolts (am familiar with them, my nerves are shredding regularly) can be unpredictable and no way would I leave such a child in the care of young teenagers.

Can't see where you've said she's perfectly OK with her dad etc - what's she like when she's with him?

WorraLiberty · 20/02/2015 17:15

It's a tough one really because if she's that naughty then she shouldn't be trusted and it's not fair on her cousin and friend either.

But on the other hand, is she this naughty around her Dad?

Does her cousin know what she's really like, or is she good in her company?

Original poster
D0oinMeCleanin · 20/02/2015 17:18

She barely knows his niece, maddy68, they've only started bothering with her in the last 6 months, I think that is why. The more often she sees them, the more comfortable she will be with them and the more likely she is to behave this way.

Her father does have trouble with her. My own niece left dancing after he walked them all there when he scared the shite out of her by hollering at dd2. My niece is not used to being shouted at, much less hollered at. Why was he hollering? Dd2 was about to run under a bus Hmm

Why he thinks it safe to allow teens to take charge of dd2 is beyiond me. He knows how difficult she can be.

OP posts:
GoadyGeisha · 20/02/2015 17:19

Why can't your ex arrange to pick them up after the cinema or pay for a taxi home?

Not fair to expect a 13 year old to deal with a 'bolter'

Chessie00 · 20/02/2015 17:20

I would two 13/14 year old girls take ds1 out. And he is a very 'old' and sensible 7.

BUT he is still 7 and needs some form of supervision...that age girl Is still easily distracted IME.

Throw in the ds's known unsafe behaviour around roads...not in a million years would I allow it.

Chessie00 · 20/02/2015 17:21

*wouldn't let

blendedfamilygrinch · 20/02/2015 17:27

Sounds like the compromise of a lift there & back is the sensible outcome here.
I have ds (5) & dn's (14 & 12) & considering allowing them to go to playground & cinema alone at Easter (ds will be almost 6). But there's no dual carriageway or bolting behavior to factor in.
I think stopping access would be extreme & would push for the compromise op.

CheeseandGherkins · 20/02/2015 17:28

I can't believe anyone thinks it's ok for a 13/14 year old to take out a 7 year old on their own! Madness. I'm not over protective either and I have a very mature (almost) 13 year old.

maddy68 · 20/02/2015 17:28

Have you considered that perhaps Her dad "hollering"" at her might be the right way to discipline her? Just because it's not how you do it doesn't make it wrong. You will have to get used to his different parenting styles, at times it will be frustrating and bloody annoying but just because it's different doesn't make it wrong and perhaps she needs a good telling off every now and again!

They have done this before and she was fine so why would you think otherwise now?
Also, duel carriageways don't have bus stops so I think you may be over exaggerating the risk in your head as you are quite rightly concerned about your child.

You cannot dictate his parenting choices any more than he can yours, do you think he is worried that when she us with you or your mum she bolts?

prh47bridge · 20/02/2015 17:30

He cannot control what you do with your daughter when she is in your care. And he certainly could not keep her beyond the end of contact because he was unhappy with something you intended to do with her that week.

This cuts both ways. You cannot control what he does with your daughter while she is in his care. If you start down this route there is a risk it will end up in court, especially if you end up repeatedly preventing contact. Like it or not, I'm afraid the courts would probably view you withholding contact as unreasonable.

By all means tell him you are not happy. See if you can persuade him to change the arrangements, e.g. so that they get a lift back from the cinema. Offer to give them a lift back yourself if that is practical. But I would strongly recommend trying to negotiate (non-confrontationally) rather than withholding contact (which may well be taken as confrontational).