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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell ex that he cannot have dd2 for the weekend if he's going to allow his niece and her friend to take her out for the day?

66 replies

D0oinMeCleanin · 20/02/2015 16:48

Dd2 is 7.

The niece and the friend are 13 and 14.

They want to take her to the cinema in town. They'll get a lift there and walk/get the bus back. It would be during the day, so not dark.

The bus stop/route they'd be walking is along a dual carriageway.

He's done this before, I've told him that dd2 is too young. He did not listen and has planned it again. I've told him if it is going ahead I'll have no choice but to stop dd2 from staying with him.

So as not to drip feed, dd2 has a habit of running away when she's in a mood and has zero road sense.

She reduced my mother to tears a few weeks ago owing to running in the road when it was icy, refusing to listen and refusing to hold hands (whenever my mum made a grab for her hand she bolted and my mum couldn't run as fast in the ice)

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 20/02/2015 17:31

I can't believe anyone thinks it's ok for a 13/14 year old to take out a 7 year old on their own!

It would be absolutely fine with a well behaved 7yr old who is used to holding hands.

Not the case here though obviously, but otherwise I can't see why anyone wouldn't allow it?

googoodolly · 20/02/2015 17:37

You don't really have a say in how he parents her in his time, just like he has no right to say what you can do when she's with you. He's her parent just as much as you are.

This isn't a good reason to withhold contact and I think you wouldn't be looked on favourably by the courts if you stopped him seeing her on this basis. I think you need to swallow your anger and let her see her dad, and just accept that he parents differently to you. I'm sure you do things he wouldn't approve of as well.

Hakluyt · 20/02/2015 17:37

"I can't believe anyone thinks it's ok for a 13/14 year old to take out a 7 year old on their own"

Really? This strikes me as entirely normal.And I wouldn't expect a 7 year old to hold hands either .

But I would be concerned about a 7 year old who ran out into the road though....

kentishgirl · 20/02/2015 17:40

'duel carriageways don't have bus stops'

I can think of lots of bus stops on dual carriageways in my current town, and in the last town I lived in.

I think it's fine for 13 year olds to take out 7 year olds without behavioural problems. This little girl has some problems. I don't think it's fair to make the teens responsible for her.

Trunkisareshite · 20/02/2015 17:41

A mature 13 year old and a 7 year old capable of listening and following instruction then fine but sounds like that isn't his situation so YANBU.

If you've offered lifts and been turned down I don't see what else you can do but refuse to let her go.

And Fire your 'you chose to have kids with him so must trust him' comment is complete twaddle.

WannaBe · 20/02/2015 17:44

rather than withholding contact etc you need to be looking into strategies to address her behavior. At seven it's just not the norm to run off like that, and she should be responding to reason as to why not. If she isn't then at seven I would be seeing the gp to get a referral for possible diagnosis of sn.

As for not letting thirteen/fourteen year olds take a seven yo out, I imagine most of us went out with siblings younger than that when we were kids, back when children actually went out to play, alone, I know I certainly went to the park with my sister when I was seven and she's only three years older than me.

But op - I presume you wouldn't like it if your ex refused to return your dd if he didn't like something you did, so this cuts both ways. You may not like it, I possibly wouldn't either, but unfortunately part of splitting with an ex means that you lose control of what happens with the kids on their time.

ahbollocks · 20/02/2015 17:47

Is he at work? I cant see why he cant get the bus to meet them on the way back.
in your shoes, I would take the bus back with them/drive them if he wouldn't.

ahbollocks · 20/02/2015 17:48

And I agree with worra that you should take her to the gp to discuss thesebehaviours

FurbysMakeSexNoises · 20/02/2015 17:50

Your GP may well suggest going down the educational psychology route again ?ADHD- is her attention poor in every situation? Might be worth looking into.

maddy68 · 20/02/2015 17:50

kentish duel carriageways are clear ways and vehicles are not allowed to stop
Are you confusing a road that sometimes had two lanes? The difference is a duel carriageway has a central reservation I know I'm being pedantic and totally off topic

Hakluyt · 20/02/2015 17:53

I have a 5 year age gap -and my children were going all over the place together from when they were about 12 and 7. Wouldn't have crossed my mind that they shouldn't.

StayGoldPonyBoy · 20/02/2015 17:55

YANBU. I was reduced to tears when my 7yo niece bolted and hid from me in a strop. She was missing for less than five minutes, I'm 23 with a child of my own and I still spent the rest afternoon shaking.

If he wasn't your ex and you told your partner who lived at home you weren't comfortable with something but he did it anyway, you'd be livid. You can't co-parent effectively if you're undermining eachother, I think you're right to be worried in this instance and not unreasonable at all.

TheNothingGirl · 20/02/2015 17:56

I wouldn't allow it, I'd arrange to pick them up myself if needs be. There are very few people I trust to take my 7 y/o out without myself or dp there, she has been known to bolt if in a new place or something spooks her. She has asd, but even before she had her diagnosis I wouldn't have allowed it knowing that she was at risk of endangering herself/potentially others too.

WorraLiberty · 20/02/2015 18:00

Maddy68, both of my local duel carriageways have bus stops

In fact I used to get the bus to and from work at one of them.

Chessie00 · 20/02/2015 18:02

You don't really have a say in how he parents her in his time

So what if he was going to let his 10 year old neice take his dd out? Or let her go alone?

if that was your child and he was doing something you viewed as unacceptable or dangerous, would you really sit back and say 'oh well I can't interfere'?

Together/split makes no difference. If one parent really opposes something then the other parent still has a duty to take that into account IMO.

And if it was my child, father or not, she'd not be going if I thought she was going to be sent off to town alone with a 13 year old.

GatoradeMeBitch · 20/02/2015 18:05

I wouldn't allow it. He himself had to yell at her to stop her running under a bus but he will allow a 13 and 14 year old to take her out near busy roads? In your situation I wouldn't give a shit about his 'rights' to parent as he saw fit. Sorry to jump to the absolute worst case scenario here, but would knowing that you respected his parenting choices offer you any comfort at her funeral? If she has a history of running into roads when cross you need to be careful. As you say, once she is over the novelty of being out with 'big girls' she'll be as likely to tantrum with them as with anyone else.

kentishgirl · 20/02/2015 18:12

Maddy68 - yes I know it means a central reservation or barrier rather than referring to number of lanes.

Not all dual carriageways are clearways. Most are though.

But A clearway means you cannot stop on the road. You can still stop in laybys. Bus stops that I was thinking of are in laybys.

Here's a complaint about a bus stop on dual carriageway without pavement or layby.
www.getsurrey.co.uk/news/surrey-news/residents-angered-dangerous-walk-bus-6931980

TheFecklessFairy · 20/02/2015 18:15

You cannot dictate what he does when he has her. Same as you would not like it if he started dictating what YOU do with her. Sorry, but that's the way it is.

kittycatz · 20/02/2015 18:16

I wouldn't allow it either. I remember being 13 and we went on a group trip to an amusement park. I didn't want to go on a particular rollercoaster so one of the girls who had her 8 year old sister in two (too small to go on the rollercoaster) asked me if I would wait with her while the others went on the ride. Well, they went on it and then again and then again. The 8 year old was getting agitated by then and eventually ran off. I had to chase after her and try to bring her back to meet the others. In the meantime they got off the rollercoaster and I wasn't there so they didn't wait they just wandered off. We went back to the rollercoaster, I couldn't find the other girls and then the 8 year old just legged it. I ended up hysterica. The girl's sister came back and went berserk with me that I had lost her and she ended up missing for 2 hours. A man eventually found her and took her to the lost children's area. It was terrible - I am still traumatised by the whole thing.

It isn't fair to the 13/14 year olds to take the 7 year old who has some behavioural problems. What on earth will they do if she just legs it? I think it would be nice for them to go to the cinema together if they are given a lift there and picked up again from outside the cinema but not getting the bus back alone.

And yes I can think of a dual carriageway with bus stops on it.

DrLego · 20/02/2015 18:21

yanbu you should refuse if you are not convinced she will be safe. you have good reason to be unconvinced. safeguard your child, refuse unless he guarantees he will be there 100% of the time with her, and you believe it.

Manic3mum · 20/02/2015 18:23

My 6yo daughter has been recently diagnosed with ADHD and displays exactly the behaviours you have described with your daughter, running away, won't listen to reason, irrational impulsive actions, also in girls ADHD tends to display more as dreamy/absent mindedness at school, than the disruptiveness common with boys. I'd go to GP and ask for another opinion and referral to paediatrician.
Until things are under control, perhaps suggest the cinema trip is done but differently - i.e. your ex takes them to cinema and sits in the foyer to supervise and to be available for the toilet trips and any high-risk situations where she may act up.

YouTheCat · 20/02/2015 18:33

I think, as the OP has offered a perfectly reasonable compromise, that her ex is being very stupid and she should withhold contact this time. It's a matter of their child's safety.

gobbynorthernbird · 20/02/2015 19:26

And if the child's father had refused to return the DC because the OP let someone who obviously couldn't cope and potentially put the DC in an unsafe situation (as she did with her own DM)?

YouTheCat · 20/02/2015 19:30

Unfortunately, D0oin has had a whole heap of shite from this man. She has bent over backwards to facilitate contact and act like an adult, whereas her ex really hasn't at all, at any point.

She offered a compromise which would mean everyone could be happy and safe but he won't have it because he's acting like an arse.

saoirse31 · 20/02/2015 19:35

essentially u let someone mind her who can't cope with her but that's okay. your ex wants his niece to mind her who've done it successfully before and that's not ok?

don't use ur dd as a tool in your relationship with ur ex.

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