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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be jealous of my childminder?

68 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 20/02/2015 13:38

My DS is 11m and has a childminder that he goes to 2-3 days a week. He has been going for about four weeks.

She was the fifth one I met with and instantly felt at ease with her and knew I would have no qualms about leaving DS with her.

She takes him on days out and is always sending me photos of him to show me what a good time he is having. Whenever she is texting me about him and the activities they are doing she always speaks really affectionately of him. He loves going there and we never have tears at 'drop off time'.

My childminder came to pick him up about an hour ago as she was driving near my house and it saved me dropping him off at hers. When I let her in my DS went whizzing towards her in his baby walker, huge grin on his face and raising his arms wanting to be picked up.

Since they left she has text me a photo of him as she has taken him out for lunch (with her own two daughters aged 8 & 9) and she was telling me about all the different foods he had tried and that he was having fun and then ended the text by saying, "He's amazing."

My friend who had been with me today said she finds the whole thing very bizarre. She said she wouldn't feel comfortable about the affectionate bond my CM and DS have formed with each other and they if it was her she'd be questioning the professionalism of the CM.

I told her she was being silly and that I had no problems whatsoever with the fact there is a lovely relationship forming between the CM and DS and she told me that she couldn't believe I wasn't jealous about the fact DS was being so loving towards another female.

I really don't though. I love the fact that the CM seems to genuinely care for DS.

Surely that's normal??

OP posts:
thejoysofboys · 20/02/2015 13:42

Sounds just the same relationship as my DS1 had with his previous childminder. I really appreciated that he had a home-from-home and that he was a valued member of her family/mindee gang.

I never once thought it odd. You know your CM and your instincts will be right. Enjoy knowing that your son is well career for and happy while you're at work.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 20/02/2015 13:42

Why would your friend 'question ' the CM's professionalism, she's taken him out for lunch, Oh God! Shock does he have a sausage roll and a fruit shoot? Grin

I think it sounds like a lovely relationship.

WorraLiberty · 20/02/2015 13:44

I think it's normal yes, but he's only a baby still. If I were to be concerned about anyone's feelings, it would be the baby's if for example they kept a strong bond for a couple of years and then suddenly he didn't see her any more...which of course at some point he wont.

But I don't think it's in any way unprofessional and it must be nice for you to keep receiving all the texts.

WeirdCatLady · 20/02/2015 13:48

I think both views are normal. I'm a very possessive person, it's one of my big faults. But when dd started doing an activity a few years ago she formed a huge bond with her coach. We soon started referring to this woman as dd's Goddess, dd worshipped her and would try things for her that she wouldn't try for me.

This is where I would have expected my green eyed monster to kick in but, oddly, it didn't. It didn't bother me in the slightest that my dd had this amazing woman in her life as a role model. I got to know the coach and we have been friends ever since. My dd still adores her, and they still get along and we do things together as a three and sometimes just the two of them.

Dd doesn't have much of an extended family so anyone who is going to love her like this woman does is very welcome. If your cm was your sister or your friend then no one would have any issue with your son having such a close relationship. I think it's lovely Smile

CityDweller · 20/02/2015 13:49

My cm has similar manner and relationship with DD and I think it's wonderful. I love that they love each other and it makes it so much easier to leave her. What more could you ask for?

I think it's your friend who has the issues

mytartanscarf · 20/02/2015 13:49

Yanbu but I don't think she's "silly" either as I'd feel the same as she does.

Tisiphone · 20/02/2015 13:53

Your friend sounds petty and insecure, and the kind of woman who would be equally likely to obsess about her DP having female friends he saw without her policing presence (because obviously people have only finite amounts of affection, and if someone else is getting some, there's less for her...).

My almost 3-year-old is very fond of his childminder (he started with her about the same age as your son) and loves going to her house, and I'm delighted by that, and feel very luck that he has such a strong relationship outside the family, especially when I hear about other people's less than ideal experiences with childminders and nurseries.

Honestly, what kind of needy type is 'jealous' of their child forming good bonds with other people???

toomuchtooold · 20/02/2015 13:54

I always wonder what people would prefer when they are uncomfortable that a kid has a strong attachment to a carer. They'd rather the carer was unaffectionate and the child didn't like them? Small kids need a strong attachment to someone who they are spending the whole day with.

MabelSideswipe · 20/02/2015 13:54

Does it help to know that there is research to indicate that a close caring bond with one attentive and responsive carer is the very best childcare you can have?

watchingthedetectives · 20/02/2015 14:01

I am with you on this - I loved it that my DC adored their nanny and vice versa. Selfishly it meant I felt less guilt about going to work.

A couple of people said that they would find it upsetting if their kids were so fond of their nanny/CM (one even planned to move her child) but they were bonkers in other ways as well and very insecure.

Children do seem to know who their parents are and don't get confused and in the long run it seems so much better that they are as happy and well cared for as possible

Thurlow · 20/02/2015 14:04

Agree, toomuch. I can understand why some people personally don't like the idea of a CM who can seem like a sort of 'replacement parent' and worry about their child having one other very close carer in their life. But surely that's preferable to lots of not very affectionate carers?

Having said that, CMs are different. Our first CM treated DD very much like you describe. We were very, very sad to leave her (only did because of moving). Our new CM is lovely and DD is very happy, but she is ever so slightly more stand-offish, I think. But then there is a probably a difference in the bond you form from having a mindee from 8mo, and from having one start at nearly 3.

This morning DD hurt herself as soon as she got into the CM's house. I was still standing in the hall but DD ran to the CM, because she had already switched over to "I'm here so X is the person that cares for me". I wonder what your friend would make of that?

Jackiebrambles · 20/02/2015 14:11

I think its lovely that they have a close bond and that she clearly adores him. That's exactly what you want from your childcare surely?

Your friend is a bit nuts. 'Professionalism' when looking after a small baby every day involves lots of loving cuddles. That's what babies need.
Does she think that its unprofessional to cuddle a child??

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 20/02/2015 14:13

It is my main criteria for childcare, are the children loved and cared for. And do they love being there.

leedy · 20/02/2015 14:17

YANBU at all - like the PP I think it's wonderful when children have lots of loved and trusted adults in their lives, and am v happy that my kids have had such a good relationship with their nursery minders.

I loved my childminder when I was little and am still (at 42) in touch with her and her family. Her daughter became a LLL leader and gave me great breastfeeding help with DS1!

Nolim · 20/02/2015 14:22

It is lovely that your dc has bonded with the cm and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

According to your friends logic she would feel better if her dc did not bond the cm? Confused

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/02/2015 15:30

Thanks everyone. My friend's comment about professionalism centered around her view that the CM should look after the child but not form a loving attachment. She likened it to my job (a nurse) that it's important to care but there is also a professional line that must not be crossed and that my CM is blurring her professional duty to care with her own emotions. I told her that a CM caring for a child is completely different to a nurse caring for a patient and that I'm really happy about the bond that is forming between them.

My friend seems to think that if my DS loves the CM it means he doesn't love me as much and that he sees the CM as his mom.

I told my friend that when I pick DS up from the CM his little face lights up when he sees me and then he comes rushing over to me for a cuddle. I told her that DS certainly isn't thinking, "Oh God, not her. I don't want to go home as I would rather stay here with my new mom." Grin

My friend didn't appreciate my sarcasm Smile

She's currently pregnant with her first child and it will be interesting to see what her views are on childcare attachments when her time comes.

OP posts:
trilbydoll · 20/02/2015 15:36

I can understand her thinking it is a bit weird because it's still an abstract concept to her. I would've prob been the same when I was pregnant.

Now I am so glad DD loves her keyworker - she will leap out of my arms to get to her, and it means I just don't worry about leaving her. It would be far worse to leave a sad little face at the window!

SorchaN · 20/02/2015 16:17

I love it when other people love my kids! And when my kids love other people. Love doesn't have a limit - and it's the thing children need most (although I suppose food and shelter are rather important too).

I suspect your friend's views will change when she has her baby.

Audweb81 · 20/02/2015 16:21

That's exactly the relationship my daughter has with her childminder and her family. Right from the minute she met her. I love it, it's exactly what I wanted. I work four five days a week so I can relax knowing she is being looked after by someone that adores her and she adores. We have no extended family in this town nearest ones are a couple of hours away so I just view her as an aunty that I just happen to pay lol. We should want our children to have warmth and affection when being looked after, it's a wonderful thing. Takes a village and all that :)

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/02/2015 16:25

This is why I use childminders.

The really great ones elicit this response from children and parents and it gives great confidence and reassurance.

They also tend to be fab at supporting the child through a changeover like when they go to school.

yANBU

Kewrious · 20/02/2015 16:30

3 year old DS has been with the same CM since he was 7 months old. They adore each other. He even adores her dog and he adores him in return. Last week at pick up time, he ran to the CM said, 'love you CM' and went off with me. And she said she loves the cuddles because her own daughter is a stroppy teen. I think it's brilliant that he is part of her family. And we have a super close bond.

MrsDeVere · 20/02/2015 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CremeEggThief · 20/02/2015 16:31

YANBU. I think you are so lucky to have someone who loves and cares for your DS so much. It reads as if he adores her, which is a great sign.

nemo81 · 20/02/2015 16:36

I would rather have a childminder who is affectionate to a baby/child than one that doesn't show any affection.

MamaMary · 20/02/2015 16:39

Your friend is talking nonsense.

I had a huge bond with my childminder, and am certain that this, combined with my parents of course, aided my emotional development and made me feel loved and secure - for life.