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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be jealous of my childminder?

68 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 20/02/2015 13:38

My DS is 11m and has a childminder that he goes to 2-3 days a week. He has been going for about four weeks.

She was the fifth one I met with and instantly felt at ease with her and knew I would have no qualms about leaving DS with her.

She takes him on days out and is always sending me photos of him to show me what a good time he is having. Whenever she is texting me about him and the activities they are doing she always speaks really affectionately of him. He loves going there and we never have tears at 'drop off time'.

My childminder came to pick him up about an hour ago as she was driving near my house and it saved me dropping him off at hers. When I let her in my DS went whizzing towards her in his baby walker, huge grin on his face and raising his arms wanting to be picked up.

Since they left she has text me a photo of him as she has taken him out for lunch (with her own two daughters aged 8 & 9) and she was telling me about all the different foods he had tried and that he was having fun and then ended the text by saying, "He's amazing."

My friend who had been with me today said she finds the whole thing very bizarre. She said she wouldn't feel comfortable about the affectionate bond my CM and DS have formed with each other and they if it was her she'd be questioning the professionalism of the CM.

I told her she was being silly and that I had no problems whatsoever with the fact there is a lovely relationship forming between the CM and DS and she told me that she couldn't believe I wasn't jealous about the fact DS was being so loving towards another female.

I really don't though. I love the fact that the CM seems to genuinely care for DS.

Surely that's normal??

OP posts:
DearGirl · 20/02/2015 16:48

I am a nanny and would hate for my bosses to feel jealous of the relationship I have with the child I look after. The toddler has now known me over half their life and I love seeing them, snuggling, cheering on their accomplishments, miss them when I don't see them for a week; yet while dc is my little shadow 12 hours a day, when mummy or daddy are on the scene I don't get a look in (great chance for a tea break!)

HSMMaCM · 20/02/2015 16:58

I met one of my mindees at school and her mother had come to collect her as a surprise. She cried because she wasn't coming home with me. Another parent sneered at me and said to her mum "I think it's time to change childcare". Her mother said, that's exactly how I want her to feel about going home with HSMM. Of course the child loved her mother, she just wasn't expecting her.

MissDuke · 20/02/2015 17:02

Ignore your friend, it only matters what you think :-) She sounds fab, you did well finding her!

MadameJosephine · 20/02/2015 17:10

How depressing it would be to leave the most precious person in my life to be cared for by someone who remained 'professionally detached'.

My DD adores her childminder and the feeling is clearly mutual (my DD is particularly awesome of course) and this is exactly how it should be IMO

sosix · 20/02/2015 17:17

Your friends being stupid. Your cm sounds great.

PrimalLass · 20/02/2015 17:21

My friend who had been with me today said she finds the whole thing very bizarre. She said she wouldn't feel comfortable about the affectionate bond my CM and DS have formed with each other and they if it was her she'd be questioning the professionalism of the CM.

Jeez, I'd be over the moon if I were you. Your friend is so wrong.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/02/2015 17:32

I feel so reassured by all these replies as she was kind of insinuating that a true loving mother wouldn't feel so nonchalant (for want of a better word) about their child loving another carer.

I've just picked him up and he came crawling over to me at lightning speed and gave me a huge cuddle and a sloppy kiss when I picked him up.

I just don't see what's so threatening. The more people in the world that love him the better as far as I'm concerned Smile

OP posts:
kentishgirl · 20/02/2015 17:34

Young babies and toddlers need affectionate care. They aren't robots just to be fed, cleaned, physically cared-for (that would be neglect as far as I'm concerned).

Your friend doesn't have children yet, she doesn't understand their needs. Fingers crossed she will.

Shesparkles · 20/02/2015 17:38

Sounds like the perfect CM to me. My son was looked after by a great CM from 10months to age 5 and they had a wonderful bond. He's 12 going on 13 and on the odd occasion we bump into her, he greets her with a hug-and he doesn't do hugs lightly! It sounds like your CM will be similar.

Your friend, on the other hand, is batshit crazy

thornyhousewife · 20/02/2015 18:02

I think your childminder sounds awesome! Ideal for all of you. I absolutely love how close my daughter is to her Reception teacher, and her nursery teachers before that. It means the world.

mmgirish · 20/02/2015 22:53

No need to feel jealous at all. You should feel really lucky! Your friend is wrong.

RedSoloCup · 20/02/2015 23:12

My baby (now aged 4) my youngest, runs and cuddles her nursery ladies as soon as she gets in, she loves them, they are lovely and she's been there years.

I love this as I know she feels happy and loved by them.

TwoOddSocks · 20/02/2015 23:21

Sounds absolutely perfect. At 11 months your son should have a secure affectionate bond with whoever looks after him. It would be insanely selfish to take that away from him because of your own insecurity. Your son loves you and he loves his childminder. Sounds great.

Rabbishes · 20/02/2015 23:28

I'm a childminder and I agree with everyone else, children grow best when they feel secure and loved :)

I'm not there to replace their parents, I'm not trying to be their mum, if you wanted to out a family-based label on me I'm more like a kindly aunt than replacement mother.

GirlsTimesThree · 20/02/2015 23:33

I had a lovely bond with the children I was nanny to. They're grown up with children of their own now, but they're still in contact with me and our relationships have grown. I never 'replaced' their parents - they have an exceptional bond, but they do feel that I'm a part of their family(as I do).
Their parents became our close friends and are godparents to one of our DCs.
Having more people who love your children, and who you trust completely, is enriching and comforting, not threatening.

Mia1415 · 21/02/2015 06:55

YANBU my DS has a similar relationship with his CM & I think it's great.

slightlyconfused85 · 21/02/2015 07:26

Your friend sounds silly. Would she prefer it if your ds cried for you at every drop off and wasn't secure? It's great when kids have a secure attachment to their childcare provider and means you can relax when you're at work.

My DD has been with her cm since 9no 4 days a week and she's now 2.4. She loves her and is always happy, but she loves being with us more and rarely discusses cm when she's not with her. You should be pleased,

AnneofCheese · 21/02/2015 07:43

I work with someone who wouldn't send her DC's to a childminder in case they 'loved her more than me'. She sent them to nursery so it was 'safer' but would be furious if one of her DC's came home smelling of perfume because it was evidence someone other than her had hugged them.

AnneofCheese · 21/02/2015 07:44

And I think the more people who love and are interested in your DC's the better! How can it not be?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 21/02/2015 07:47

Blimey anne - that is pretty extreme of your friend!! That is really odd.

The only thing that bugs me is that she consistently spells DS's name wrong no matter how many times I correct her, lol Grin

OP posts:
ShadowSpiral · 21/02/2015 07:49

YANBU.

I think it's important for a child's healthy emotional development to be able to have a secure and affectionate attachment to their main carers, and I think it's a good thing if they feel loved by their cm / nanny / nursery workers and love them back.

I'd go so far as to say that I think a childcare worker who doesn't give a baby or small toddler cuddles and affection is unprofessional because they're not meeting the child's emotional needs.

AnneofCheese · 21/02/2015 07:54

Yes. She has ishoooos. She's generally pessimistic and paranoid though.

I love it when DS runs to say hello to his nursery carers, and if he smells of perfume at the end of the day, then someone has been hugging him and that's lovely.

bigbluestars · 21/02/2015 07:54

I think it's lovely but the thing that would concern me is that this is a paid relationship.
The motivations therefore are quite different to say an auntie or close friend who is acting not for profit.

I am not saying that the CM and your child don't have a real affection, but the relationship is unstable because it is primarily a financial one.
The contract may end for a number of reasons, the CM may stop her business, you may stop work or move, any number of reasons that relationship may be curtailed.
Most CMs would not actively want to continue the relationship, as it is a monetary one first and foremost.

ShadowSpiral · 21/02/2015 07:58

Anne - she seriously doesn't want anyone other than her to hug her kids???

She'd have been really wound up if she'd been me picking up the DC from nursery last week. DS2 was snuggled up on one of the nursery nurses lap having a story and DS1 was calling his favourite worker "mummy". They were both happy to see me and go home with me though. I wouldn't have sent the DC to that nursery though if they didn't do lots of cuddles and affection.

Marylou62 · 21/02/2015 07:59

As a childminder/nanny/respite carer for 30+ years...I think your friend is silly...I've genuinely loved nearly all the children I've minded and I still keep in touch with 80% of them even as grown adults...if you love a child you will want the best for them and genuinely feel their needs...I refused once to be a reference for a friend because she was so cold and matter of fact with kids...I also minded a few babies till they went to school so there was no problems with 'ending' the attachment, just a natural end...I asked to pick them up for a few weeks sometimes so it wasn't a sudden end...and met up with them and their mum or childminder to keep up the relationship..I think you are lucky that your childminder seems to have an amazing relationship with your DS..long may it continue...

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