First there was the spoonyfucker, but DH has found other as yet unnamed ways to annoy in the kitchen (lighthearted)

[GreatBigJabberwock]

Will point out this is just for fun, DH is generally lovely, we love each other, I appreciate everything he does etc etc etc but he can be quite thoughtless when it comes to housework. He's a spoonyfucker, stirring things that shouldn't be stirred, but manages to be a nospoonyfucker too, not stirring stuff that needs it too. The latest, that I have no name for, is making me a sandwich (very much appreciated) but daring to do it The Wrong Way. My tastes are simple - ham salad (naice ham obv) but he left the lettuce too wet and cut the sarnie in half WIDTHWAYS! Surely everyone knows you cut diagonally! He watches me have one several times a week cut by me the right way after all. Had to try and stop filling escaping from the four open sides instead of having an easily managed 3 and it didn't taste right at all being rectangular. Anyone else with similar untrained DH tales of woe?

Our bloody roast dinner take all day to cook because DH loves to fucking baste every 5 minutes...I swear one day I will take that spoon and shove it right up his.............

Its fine to do THAT widthways MrsThor :-D Luckily DH is alright with a roast except rubbish at remembering how long things take so I have to mentally add 45 mins on to the time he says it'll be ready.

'I've just adjusted the seasoning for you.'

Yeah, he won't be saying that again.

He cannot fold anything correctly (which means MY way, not interested in anyone else's).
He also cannot hang out the washing.

Haha DH cuts sandwiches in half widthways, and even worse, when I point it out to him, he doesn't understand what he's done wrong!!!

He cut you sandwich Width. Ways.
That's just unforgivable. Is he a sandwich hater or something?

As well as being a spoonyfucker and a meddlingovenfucker, my Dh is also a waterfucker
He makes a mess with water at any opportunity- it simply doesn't register to NOT blast the tap. It doesn't stop with tap blasting though - nowhere is safe from his over dribbling,dripping, cascading, spilling wild abandon.

However he does do all the cooking in our house, including making sure I've got something to reheat the next day for lunch, even though he works and I'm a SAHM so I can't complain too much

Mine stripped the spare bed as MIL is coming tonight - good. Then he left the dirty washing next to the washing machine rather than putting it in and turning it on - bad. He also piled up the clean washing next to the empty washing basket rather than putting it in it so that I can carry it downstairs to put away - for some reason this has made me unbelievably angry

oh god sandwiches ...they have to be perfect, but the time they are ready I have lost the will to live...mind you he pours a v large vino so all is forgiven

< Disclaimer, I have vertigo so the extra bending down is what's hacking me off the most>

MrsThor - I sometimes have a similar issue with sunday roasts except mine's with the yorkshire puds - see meddlingovenfucker.
I've lost count of the amount of times he's opened the bloody oven door and poof! ruined yorkies. Dh seems to know the exact moment to flatten them. twat

Sabotage-wich!

DH cuts toast. IT DOES NOT NEED CUTTING. Why bisect the beautiful, moist, butter'n'jam-laden middle bit, turning this vast plain of loveliness into two meagre bits? Why? WHY!

He also hands me rice pudding with a big spoon, not a teaspoon. And cannot just leave a pan with a lid on to boil but will continuously 'check it' by standing there for minutes on end with the lid in his hand staring at the heat escaping from the uncovered pan.

DP loves to add weird shit to my cooking and it drives me mad! "It needed a bit of sugar" or "I've added some chilli powder" - whyyyy? Stop touching it!

Feel for you all! Might take an idea for a house-focused finishing school to be made

ListingAttic - cutting toast! The horror! You need to enjoy that mass of middle properly! And DH is the opposite with lids, if it's got a lid on he thinks it will magically be ok cooking away and never need checking, even if it starts emitting a suspicious burning smell.

Muskrat - sympathies, both DH and DD seem to find it almost impossible to take their clothes an extra 3 feet from the bedroom door to the laundry basket and even when they manage they pile it on the basket instead of making sure it goes in.

*meant to say might take the idea to Dragon's Den

I am always grateful when dh offers to make me dinner and serves a yummy steak or burger from the griddle pan. Delicious.

I become much less grateful the next morning, when I notice the hob, counter, appliances and sink covered in fat to a distance of about five feet. He also pours fat down the sink all the time, despite me telling him not to every time.

He won't change, so I will just have to become less greedy and start refusing his delicious messy meals before the sink gets a blockage I can't clear.

Mine decides to do something helpful / nice - like put some music on, empty the bin - but always at the exact worse moment, when I've got eighteen million pans on the go and the oven has just started smoking and I actually need him to do something useful! This pisses me off so much that I once had a dream that I was being attacked by a vampire on the middle of the kitchen - dh wandered in, saw me engaged in a losing battle against the monstrous prince of the night, looked into my terrified face and said, "I'll just wash up the colander". I was angry for days after I woke up from that...

He also has no concept of time so can't grasp that in the five minutes it will take for him to put a cd / lurk on MN on the rice he was supposed to be on charge of will have turned into disintegrating starch soup. I get a baffled "I checked it a couple of minutes ago and it wasn't quite ready" in response to every single instance of horribly overcooked everything. Yes you muppet but then time passed and it carried on cooking!!!

Ooh lastly - he cant stir. He pokes things with a kind of spoony jabbing action and liquid shoots off on all directions. What kind of moron is incapable of using a spoon?! The most user friendly of all the kitchen implements?!

Diagonal sandwiches piss me off, they are for buffets that are trying too hard and overpriced National Trust cafes only.

Proper sandwiches, made at home, are cut widthways so you have the superior bottom end and the slightly less desirable top end with the dented bit on it.

There is no excuse for wet lettuce though.

BossWitch that is so like my DH! soooo annoying!! Mine can't pack the dishwasher to my satisfaction, why is it so difficult to get cutlery the right way around?

Love these. How do we cope?
DH interferes in my cooking. Especially if its a dish he feels is "his". Its very annoying because if im cooking he needs to be watching the dcs, not peering critically into the effing saucepans.
Also, his clinical untidyness extends to an inability to stacking a dishwasher correctly. Why would anyone put a saucepan on the overcrowded middle rack rather than the completely empty bottom? And yes, it does matter what order the cutlery is laid on the top rack. Who stacks it like: spoon, knife, cook's knife, spoon, knife fork?!

The folding clothes thing really grinds my gears. I may have to send him to The Gap for some training

All the knives together, then forks, then dessert spoons, then teaspoons. Knob!

Diva

DH is seemingly incapable of the act of "closing". He is quite adept at opening.

I understand that the act of opening and closing cupboard doors is very different, and unique skills are required for both, but I had hoped with many years of remedial coaching, he might have begun to grasp it.

No such luck.

Can't turn lights off, either.

Is there any hope for him?

Mine is a slowcookerfucker, he turns the slow cooker off at the wall and as it has no ¨ON¨ light I only notice when we come to eat tea and it is still raw aaaarrrggghhh!