First there was the spoonyfucker, but DH has found other as yet unnamed ways to annoy in the kitchen (lighthearted)

[GreatBigJabberwock]

Will point out this is just for fun, DH is generally lovely, we love each other, I appreciate everything he does etc etc etc but he can be quite thoughtless when it comes to housework. He's a spoonyfucker, stirring things that shouldn't be stirred, but manages to be a nospoonyfucker too, not stirring stuff that needs it too. The latest, that I have no name for, is making me a sandwich (very much appreciated) but daring to do it The Wrong Way. My tastes are simple - ham salad (naice ham obv) but he left the lettuce too wet and cut the sarnie in half WIDTHWAYS! Surely everyone knows you cut diagonally! He watches me have one several times a week cut by me the right way after all. Had to try and stop filling escaping from the four open sides instead of having an easily managed 3 and it didn't taste right at all being rectangular. Anyone else with similar untrained DH tales of woe?

BossWitch, we're clearly married to a bigamist. My DH would probably start going through the mail if I were being attacked by a vampire in the kitchen. Then he'd start bringing up a bunch of stuff he wants me to do, none of which has to be done right now (some of which can't be done right now) or has any relation to the task I'm currently working on. He has no sense of time, either- he thinks everything takes a lot less time than it actually does. When I come back from an errand, he's always asking what took so long. I ran the errand (and generally take DD with me, too, so she's out of his hair for a while), and all he can do is complain about how long I took?

I think that you are all married to my husband! He's lovely, caring and a brilliant dad to our son, but he really has some strange habits! Highlights include:

Leaving the living room door wide open in the winter, but always closing it in the summer.
Leaving the shower head so high that I have to stand on the edge of the bath to retrieve it.
Using every saucepan to make the simplest meal, or if only one saucepan is required (e.g. boiling an egg), use the biggest one available.
Rather than actually tidying things away, just stacks them up in neat piles.
Not moving a single piece of furniture while hoovering.
Despite the dishwasher being completely empty and open (so in the way) he'll leave the dirty dishes on the worktop.

I congratulate you on having a DH who cuts the sandwich OP! Mine doesn't cut it, lobs it on a piece of kitchen roll, not even a plate. He then presents it, all chuffed with himself, waiting for a medal or something. He is a non-knifeyfucker.

DHalso unplugs the food processor, I think just to annoy me. I don't think food processors use a lot of electricity when they're plugged in but not on, they can't accidentally be turned on when they're not assembled and closed, and we don't use those outlets for anything else. But when I want to use the food processor, it's always unplugged, and I have to root around in back of it to plug it back in. Even if it does use a few cents more electricity every month, I'd rather pay that than root around trying to plug the stupid food processor back in.

He's always the last one up, including on weekends when I get up with DD so he can sleep. But he had the gall to complain to me about the heater being left on in the bedroom during the day, and how wasteful that is. I leave it on so the bedroom isn't too cold when he's sleeping. Last one up should turn it off. If they don't, they don't get to complain to the other about it not being turned off.

Crumbmonsters live in my house. They leave crumbs on every available surface, on top of the kettle, even on the cat if he stays still too long.
Also we have 2 bins in our kitchen - normal waste and recycling. I spend a lot of time moving rubbish from one to the other.

my dh never squahes the empty milk containers so I have to open them up days later to do it and get a great waft of sour milk or, worse, splashed by it...urgh!
we only cut sandwiches diagonally on very special occasions and we refer to it as "hotel style"

When I hang up the washing, I very efficiently sort all the socks into pairs so as to make the subsequent folding-up and putting-away less unbearable. But I've got to be quick, because if not, MrSwan will decide the clothes horse needs putting away NOW and will just scoop up the lot and dump it all on a chair.

So many crimes against common sense! Justmuddling - love the idea of him thinking a piece of kitchen roll deserves applause , DH will hand me something (like said sandwich) and stand with an anxious puppy "is it right?" look and I have to struggle not to convey a "well I'm grateful you did it but do you really think this is how I'd have done it?" look back. I even drop hints like "so funny how diagonal sarnies taste so much better than square isn't it" and he'll look crestfallen for a bit, remembering his last sandwich effort, then forget again by next time.

Just remembered from geeky's that DH also winds me up by being the last one to get up but almost never remembering to open the curtains and make the bed, so next time I go in it's like walking into a teenager's cave. One day I'm going to lose patience and start opening the curtains when I get up instead, allowing him to wake up to bright light in his face instead of slowly at his leisure .

backtowork - why are you only allowed diagonals on special occasions? Treat yourself, have them every time! I sometimes have what I call hotel style, with the triangles propped up, with crisps and salad carefully scattered to the sides but that is only for 'best'.

oooo, stood up with crisps and salad? We've never had an occasion that special!

I feel all upper class now - I even sometimes, just sometimes, make toast and put it in a little toast rack and put butter and jam into little ramekins instead of just use them straight out, then put it all on a tray to eat in front of the telly. Luxury!

I like my sandwiches cut diagonally, toast in rectangles and tea somewhere between chav tan an Oompa Loompa.

I only agreed to marry DH when he got all three right.

However, I did not realise how much he procrastinates!!! Yesterday it took him 3 hours to put a load of washing on and even then it had to go and put it in the right cycle. Yes I could have done it myself but dd decided that she can only nap on me!

Ah I will say that in Mr Witch's defence, he makes damn fine tea. And has excellent intuition when it comes to knowing when it's been one of those days and I need extra sugar. Bless him.

All the other stuff is still bloody annoying though!

Oh yes, we have a bathroom blind feud going on

The Venetian blind tilts forward in my world

In his it's backward, bit like him really

Every time I go to the bathroom he's put it in backward position

Every time I see this I put it back, the RIGHT way

And the reason my way is right way is I clean the fecking bathroom so what I say goes

He's also a wetshakyhandfucker

Yes I will wet my hands and do a massive dog like shake all over all the stainless steel appliances

Leaving a limescale like white split snail trail for me to clean - just use a fecking tea towel moron

I know I've said it before but the rule in this house is "you interfere - you volunteer"

my husband has had the spoon handed to him so many times that if he so much as draws breath in the kitchen I give him The Look and he runs off

My husband always makes pasta by using the smallest possible amount of water, in the smallest possible pan. I'm forever having to add water out of the kettle (forgetting that he boils the smallest possible amount of water) and then having to add cold water, swearing under my breath.

EVERY TIME.

DH cut my bacon sarnie up the middle this morning. Straight up, so I had two thin strips of sandwich. I gave it back to him and asked him to put my bacon into a normal person sandwich instead of his abomination. He's never done that before, it was like a baffling experiment! Even he looked confused by it but hoped I wouldn't notice!

We spent a fair chunk of change a couple of weeks ago getting some doors replaced in our house. One of the doors was the linen closet door. It actually closes now, it didn't before. So what do I see every time I walk past the linen closet? The door is open, of course. And I don't think DD (2.5 years old) or the cat are opening it... DH is intelligent, hopefully I can train him to close the linen closet door over the next few weeks.

DH doesn't open the curtains or make the bed in our bedroom, either, but I don't mind. Our bedroom is a nice cozy cat cave during the day. Cats like unmade beds, they are a nice soft place to curl up and sleep that smells like their people. (We've never had dogs, but I suspect dogs like unmade beds for the same reasons) Dust mites don't like unmade beds. I'd rather have a happy cat than happy dust mites.

my DH claims meals ive cooked as 'joint efforts' when all he's done is peel the spuds/chop the onion.

No love, i'm the one who's stood there, over the oven, added all the ingredients and seasoning and actually cooked it.. you dont get to claim the glory as 'we did a good job'... I did a good job!!

#cookingglorythief

Ah, folding the bleeding washing up, that's what gets me every time. If I'm not quick enough off the draw, DH will have taken it off the drier and folded it in a bizarre, looks like its folded but when you pick it up it all falls apart kind of a way and despite constant re-training, refuses to do it my way the right way! Also, when he hangs washing up, he hangs jumpers up with the sleeves all tucked up so they don't dry properly, so I'm constantly re-doing it behind his back after he's done it, then he gets in a strop cause I'm re-doing it. Just bleeding do it right the first time then!!

When dp makes a sandwich he only butters ONE of the slices of bread. He insists this is proper.
It's not fucking proper.

What a barbarian!

The second I pick up a knife OH is at my side offering to cut whatever it is for me. I used to get offended now I just give him the knife and go back to the sofa. He'll then say "I've cut it, what are you doing with it?" and I reply, "whatever you want to do with it, you took over" and carry on reading.

He doesn't learn. He also turns down rings on the stove, puts away things I've just got out to use and on one memorable occasion turned the roast dinner off because he thought I had left the oven on by mistake. Yes, that smell of beef roasting is just like my perfume, so easy to get confused by it at half past fucking five on a Sunday evening with the veggies all prepped and in the pans ready to be cooked! especially when I had said to him not an hour since that the meat was in the oven

My dad regularly is very proud of meals 'we've' cooked thta actually he stood behind me and watched me cook. He likes to make special baked stuff about once a month for some of his friends, and that means he stands behind me then tells everyone about our joint effort. I am stealing #cookingglorythief for this.