First there was the spoonyfucker, but DH has found other as yet unnamed ways to annoy in the kitchen (lighthearted)

[GreatBigJabberwock]

Will point out this is just for fun, DH is generally lovely, we love each other, I appreciate everything he does etc etc etc but he can be quite thoughtless when it comes to housework. He's a spoonyfucker, stirring things that shouldn't be stirred, but manages to be a nospoonyfucker too, not stirring stuff that needs it too. The latest, that I have no name for, is making me a sandwich (very much appreciated) but daring to do it The Wrong Way. My tastes are simple - ham salad (naice ham obv) but he left the lettuce too wet and cut the sarnie in half WIDTHWAYS! Surely everyone knows you cut diagonally! He watches me have one several times a week cut by me the right way after all. Had to try and stop filling escaping from the four open sides instead of having an easily managed 3 and it didn't taste right at all being rectangular. Anyone else with similar untrained DH tales of woe?

DP 'D'ya want me to carve the roast?'
Me 'Oh, gee ta. That would be such a help after I've washed and chopped the veg,
browned the roast in the pan
put it in the oven,
parboiled the spuds,
basted the roast,
basted the roast potatoes,
kept an eye on the veg,
made a gravy,
got the crockery and cutlery sorted,
spent the afternoon with an oven glove as part of my outfit,
had a dish towel constantly on my shoulder,
washed dishes and tidied as I went along,
SO THAT YOU CAN SWAN IN AT THE LAST MINUTE AND OFFER TO CARVE THE ROAST, LIKE SOME KIND OF CULINARY SUPERHERO. I DON'T BLOODY THINK SO. PISS OFF!'

At least you get your sandwiches cut! DH brought me one yesterday that was still two whole rounds of bread. We've been married 10 years.

Don't get me started on towels. After a shower he lies the wet 'foot' towel lengthways across the bath. Then lays the other towels he's used lengthways across that. So we've got damp, soggy layer after damp soggy later. It's not like we've only got three bloody towels!

Oh - and the plastic recycling is stacked up next to the cooker rather than put in the recycling tub. Which is all of five feet away.

dh claims he helps with meals....will invite all the children and their friends round...which doesn't faze me, but one day he'll be sorry as all I'll have in will be two teeny lamb chops and not enough mash!
And he regales his parents on the phone that "all the kids are here, we're doing a big roast..." i I MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ....i am doing it, you are phoning old people and repeating yourself (they are deaf) and being a #stolenglorychef
PAH!

Also he cannot dish up to save his life...always does it in the wrong order or mills about the kitchen with hot dishes wailing "where can i put this..it's hooooottt!!" ...errr how aboutthe big empty space full of mats in themiddle of the damned table???

Just to join in. DP will take the bath mat out of the bathroom and put it in the wash basket but then never actually wash the thing but continuously use my lovely clean hand towels on the floor instead.
He's another non dish washer loader and constantly puts everything in the kitchen back in the wrong place. He also puts my purse on the fridge if the toddler gets his hands on it so I can never find it.If he saw my hair brush anywhere other than the bedroom he'd put it in my bag and forget, he used to always take my purse out of my bag and forget to put it back until I had an absolute fit at him in a shop one day.

And he NEVER puts the lid back on to the point that I have to buy the toothpaste that you press the button to squeeze out.

I asked dh to fry mince for me for spaghetti bolognaise, came in 10 mins later to find it in a pan of boiling water!! All white n yuck n when I turned to trusty Google to prove he was wrong I found he d stripped all the flavour n left plain pure protein- which he was happy with

We keep getting spam emails saying 'MrIklboo - delight your wife tonight'.

Unfortunately they don't say FOLD THE FUCKING TOWELS PROPERLY AND STOP GETTING CLEAN CUTLERY OUT OF THE DRAWER WHEN THERE IS SOME ALREADY IN THE DRAINER'.

(and breathe).

Lol but @ so many of these! Needto - who would even think of BOILING mince?!?!

Reading some of these, it's very obvious why I'm single Some of you would loathe living with me, despite me being very tidy.

sharpening knives....he is only going to cut a sodding bit of chicken but he pissfarts about for half an hour sharpening the bloody knife as if he is about to start surgery

This comic strip sums up my problems. The bonus panel is especially realistic...

theoatmeal.com/comics/dishwasher

Mine takes shopping out of the bags and puts the tins/bags/whathaveyou on the side in the kitchen - rather than put them where they actually live. Then he starts putting them where they live. He's managed to introduce a new and completely unnecessary stage to putting shopping away.

Greatbig- the worrying thing is he trained as an assistant chef! Apparently that's the way u do it - it looked yuck n tasted as bad

Gatehouse and wharm I too am married to a crumplyfucker
We have a lovely and very user friendly drying rack and yet every time he has occasion to use it, Mr littlefoxes apparently THROWS the wet clothes at it from a distance of 10 feet . Also the 'folding' of clean laundry - it's called FOLDING not SCRUCHING UP INTO A TINY FUCKING BALL!!!! Agggghhhh

DH puts wet towels length ways on the bath just like that. And then wonders why they're damp and smelly.

He also leaves a trail. Not like a snail, like an overgrown fucking man child. He gets up at 5am to go to work. We don't get up until 7am. I know exactly what dh does when he gets up because he leaves the shower curtain bunched up, the shower turned on at the ceiling, the wet towel on the bath, his pyjamas on the floor, his plate and toast crumbs on the side, his toothbrush in a puddle on the sink, his mug on the piano, a bowl with milk and a couple of shreddies floating in it on the hob and on and on and on. It's like a shit treasure hunt with no prize.

Squitten that is perfect

i adjust the washing after Dh has hung it out to dry.. he takes up so much room.. my god! Talk about a waste of drying space, and dont even talk to me about the washing line organisation....

'Shit treasure hunt with no prize'.

My DH is great at washing up saucepans - except the outsides and handles ??!

I've complained int he past about mine being a buttery fucker...he tries to put loads in everything...I caught him slipping it into mushey peas once..

when he does me crumpets he only does ONE each and its barely toasted but does have lots of butter

"A shit treasure hunt with no prize." That kind of sums up a long marriage, doesn't it?
My DP is a scoffyfucker. There is absolutely no point in trying to "batch cook" because Mr Scoffy will decide that this simply enormous tureen of soup is a challenge, and inhale the whole lot. At the weekend, I buy five bread rolls to make five packed lunches for DS; if I don't make and freeze them immediately, I have to hide the rolls or Mr Scoffy will inhale them. My chocolate thinks it's in the Witness Protection Programme because I have to keep moving it from safe place to safe place because otherwise, you've guessed it, it is inhaled along with the soup and the bread rolls.

So now I realise they are 'all the same' and I am fighting a battle I can never win. I have a wet hand shaker, who leaves a layer of fat everywhere after cooking who worst of all attempts to cook pasta in a tiny pan of water.
But I am guilty of leaving a particular drawer open. It drives him up the wall.

DH loves to soak pans overnight, but only the ones used for eg boiling peas (so could have been given a very quick rinse then left to dry). Ones with scrambled egg, white sauce, anything sticky will generally be left on their own to harden up nicely.

He will not change the loo roll, but instead kindly leave me a single sheet. I once passive-aggressively left the empty cardboard middle on to seee how long he'd ignore it and just pick the roll up off the cistern. An entire loo-roll's worth is how long.

My dp will add cayenne pepper or Tabasco to ANYTHING. Ffs. Get out of my kitchen. Also stop just standing in the middle of it getting in my way.