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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding one!

101 replies

Lolipoplady · 20/02/2015 11:15

Am I being unreasonable to feel Shock Angry and Hmm at a wedding that consists of the following (groom is old uni friend of DP):

-Location is a popular far-east holiday destination, in a year's time
-Will require two flights to get there
-Guests are expected to pay for 5 nights accommodation in multi-bedroomed villas which totals £350 pp B&B (so £700 for me and DP)
-We have to pay a deposit NOW as the venue is apparently asking for half the cost upfront
-It has been made clear that the wedding is going to cost £13,000 but in actual fact the intention is that this will be covered by guests
-We have to pay £32.50 pp to cover the cost of the reception, and this doesn't include drinks

I am also peed off that DP has told his friend that he will go but doesn't know yet whether I will be going too (although DP hasn't paid the deposit yet - not sure if he will actually go now we are getting more information about what it is going to actually cost!!)... but that is a different story.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolipoplady · 20/02/2015 14:07

Ooh good thinking bogey, I know one person has pulled out already.

OP posts:
KatelynB · 20/02/2015 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kennyp · 20/02/2015 14:37

that's insane. totally. what was that song "please don't go. don't goooooo" (from the 80s?).

hamptoncourt · 20/02/2015 14:53

I would decline on the basis you will be TTC then.

You would be crazy to pay a deposit and then not be allowed to fly due to pregnancy. Gosh I am now reminded of a wedding thread where nobody was allowed to get pregnant before the big day............

If DP is serious about living with you and having a baby together then that should be his priority rather than this wedding IMHO.

expatinscotland · 20/02/2015 15:01

When will people realise that, other than perhaps your parents, no one gives a fuck that you are getting married? Just decline right now.

Pancakeflipper · 20/02/2015 15:15

Oh fucking hell Bogey - I have wasted 2 hrs of my life looking at that website... well I say wasted... I was totally riveted by a sash dilemma, how you order flowers when you are nowhere near the venue and flip flop baskets.

I am going to have words with my mates... for me it's been too many village halls, the WI serving up the grub and mates dodgy cover bands doing the music. I want moustaches on sticks and a personalised jute bag.

Bogeyface · 20/02/2015 15:52

I know pancake I have realised how I short changed my f&f with my wedding! I just got married, fed them, got drunk and had a party! I now realise that I should have had care baskets in the bog, flipflop baskets for sore feet, a selection of pashminas that co-ordinate with the chair covers and the guests outfits (I should have dictated what they wear too....)

Honestly, I was a shit bridezilla! I may have a look in the guest book to see if anyone put "Could do better"! :o

Pancakeflipper · 20/02/2015 16:13

I have wasted another hour Bogey... I am totally pissed off with those who do entire wedding planner thread and do not put in a final pic of what they and the venue looked like. How mean is that...Grrrrrrr.

Did you not glitter your own jars ( to put what I am not too sure but they did look pretty) ?

I never knew you could buy glittery fake soles to stick on your shoes, incase anyone gets a glimpse and they don't see a price ticket but only glitter. Wow Wedding industry - you think of everything.

You need another wedding Bogey and get your act together this time.

Bogeyface · 20/02/2015 16:18

You need another wedding Bogey and get your act together this time.

I really do!

Glittery shoe soles? Thats fantastic, I've got to get me some of them just wear around the house :o

misssmilla1 · 20/02/2015 18:11

bogey that's nothing. One alternative wedding forum I was on had a bride to be asking for suggestions on how they best include their pet rabbit in the processional up the aisle, given the animal had been with them through thick and thi. She finally decided strapping it in to a small kids pushchair (the ones you use for dolls) was the best idea.

There's not really an emoticon that best describes my reaction to that on reading...

Osmiornica · 20/02/2015 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leeds2 · 20/02/2015 19:09

I don't suppose there are any pictures of bunny in the bridal buggy, are there?

I have never seen a flip flop basket, or been offered a pashmina, either.

misssmilla1 · 20/02/2015 19:32

Unfortunately not Sad

I did my wedding in the US where wedding planning is very intense and some of the suggestions that kept me snorting with laughter were:

  • a donkey at the wedding: you can theme it's accessories to your colours! the kids can ride on it! you can use it as an icebreaker!
  • using your dogs as ring bearers (same vein as the rabbit theme...)
  • people getting incensed as venues wouldn't allow dogs or other pets
  • incorporating dead relatives; I do get this but the whole thing was like something out of a 80's horror flick
  • sweetheart table for the couple; nothing says fcuk you all to your guests than the B&G sitting by themselves in a corner
  • all the personalised shit for the hen / stag do that makes you a terrible person if you don't do it. You name it, you can have it; bathrobes, flipflops, tote bags, makeup bags, tshirts etc
  • people getting really bent out of shape about gifts; turns out you're meant to gift the equivalent $ value of whatever the happy couple spent on guests per head at the reception. That's when you realise your pizza slicer doesn't cut it Wink
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/02/2015 20:08

Making you pay for your meal is super cheeky. They can afford £32 per head x 20 guests; they could do that in the UK instead of flying to Thailand.

No need to be snarky about flip flops/pashminas though. If people want to spend time/money on making guests comfortable then that's fine by me. Only issue is if these add ons are ever seen as essential.

Bogeyface · 20/02/2015 20:54

people getting really bent out of shape about gifts; turns out you're meant to gift the equivalent $ value of whatever the happy couple spent on guests per head at the reception.

I have heard about the "plate value" of gifts on a Bridezilla programme but just assumed it was something she had made up. I didnt realise it was a thing!

How on earth do you know what to spend though? Does the brides mother let it be known how much the dinner is costing per head so word gets round?!!

Bogeyface · 20/02/2015 20:57

No need to be snarky about flip flops/pashminas though. If people want to spend time/money on making guests comfortable then that's fine by me. Only issue is if these add ons are ever seen as essential.

But thats the problem, thanks to these forums (fora?) they are being seen as essential. When I first got married 15 years ago the idea of a basket with spare tights, hair spray etc in the ladies would have been met with raised eyebrows and a "Why would you do that?!" When I got married again 5 years ago, it was considered essential by brides on those boards. Now it has grown to a flip flop basket etc. Its madness fuelled by madness and you do have to wonder where it will end, personalised cars home for every guest?!

Tobyjugg · 20/02/2015 21:54

I wouldn't do that to see my own mother married!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/02/2015 09:20

Bogeyface just don't get married again in five years if expectations have escalated further! ;-)
I can see what you mean though, when I married five years ago it was standard to have favours on the table. I think they're often useless bits of tat so I didn't bother. It might well be that my friends thought I was negligent/tight.

RandomNPC · 21/02/2015 09:29

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Who are these mad bastards that want to fly halfway around the world to get married, and then expect family and friends to trail after them?

Shodan · 21/02/2015 09:45

Never mind pashminas/flip flops- when my friend got married (lovely hotel in Beaulieu, as I recall) many, many moons ago, there were glasses of cigarettes on the tables at the reception, as a kind of addendum to the floral centrepieces.

Now that was posh Grin

No way in hell would I be forking out that kind of money to share my 'holiday' with a bunch of people I didn't know, in a place I hadn't chosen myself.

Original poster
Lolipoplady · 21/02/2015 20:23

katelyn, I know my DP can do whatever he likes with his own money, but given that we intend to merge our lives imminently, I feel like a big decision such as a trip to Thailand (for us it is a big deal given the cost) should be a decision we take jointly. Plus, it makes me mad the way that DP's friend has organised this - feels controlling and greedy and I don't want my partner to get involved tbh!

I have spend the best part of an hour horrifying myself with that wedding organisation forum bogeyface - someone offering to sell on their used flip flops if the guests haven't 'nicked' them?! Grin Maybe I am being mean.

OP posts:
fluffymouse · 21/02/2015 21:04

Asking guests to pay for the reception is incredibly crass.

Don't go!

CrapBag · 21/02/2015 22:21

You shouldn't go.

I'm fed up of this expensive wedding shite. Fine if a B and G want to spent 1000's on their wedding but when guests are told they have to fork out 1000's just to watch someone get married it really boils my piss.

I've been given 2 years notice to save for a wedding so you I'm luckier than you OP. Wink. I've calculated it would cost over 3k for flights and accommodation for a few days for us all, plus transfers each side, clothes, gift, passports for us all, spending money over there. Probably looking at over 5k. Not happening! Can't afford to spend that on a family holiday, let alone someone else's wedding.

GokTwo · 21/02/2015 22:30

YANBU at all. Honestly I wouldn't even go if it was a family member! We don't have that sort of money to spend just like that and if we did we would spend it on a family holiday. The very thought of requesting that people stump up that sort of money for your wedding is outrageous.

Momagain1 · 21/02/2015 22:50

One woman is having a piper leading their wedding procession on foot from the church to the reception and is wondering if it might look a bit ostentatious!

If the the church and reception are at either end of the picturesque 'high' street of a quaint Scottish village, not ostentatious. Even in a larger Scottish city or town, a piper leading a procession round the corner from church to pub, would not be show offy. Scots do like the pipes, so people would happily make way for the pleasure of listening. I lived across the street from a church converted to wedding venue/ restaurant/ pub , and regularly listened to pipers piping the bride in and the couple out. No processions that I ever noticed. The photographers trying to pose the couple in the cross walk though? That was annoying.

You might or might not get away with it elsewhere in the UK. If the procession is short and their are plenty of kilts being worn, people will probably not mind.