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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to be irritated by the gransnet survey?

66 replies

Oldladyfish · 18/02/2015 21:05

I know there are lots of amazing grandparents out there, but the survey felt annoyingly unrepresentative. As it was only people who actively had grandparental support who took part, it made out that grandparents are doing loads more than they actually are.

I get no help from any of my daughter's grandparents. Am i the only one?

(I must admit that I'm in a totally foul mood as I've been looking after a sick 2yr old by myself, trying to work at the same time, and not feel bitter that what i miss most is having some family support. As a single parent it grates badly enough, but to read about the wonders of grandparents rubbed it in really.)

Am i the only one who has living parents/parents-in-law in the country, and who gets no support? AIBU about that blooming survey?

OP posts:
AQUAFlow · 18/02/2015 21:08

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AQUAFlow · 18/02/2015 21:08

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icklekid · 18/02/2015 21:09

Don't know about the survey but both my parents work and live too far away to help. Dh mum would do in an emergency but also works. I don't expect them too though. ..

coppertop · 18/02/2015 21:15

I think the survey results were misleading.

The title of the original thread about the survey made it look as though they only wanted answers from people who received help:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_surveys/2293959-UK-MNer-do-you-use-grandparents-for-regular-childcare-for-your-child-aged-11-or-under-Please-complete-a-survey-for-MNHQ-you-could-win-100-NOW-CLOSED

That's slightly different to the way the results were reported:

"Childcare: A joint study by Mumsnet and Gransnet has found that a fifth of parents said that getting childcare help from their mum, dad or in-laws was the only way they could afford to go back to work."

FWIW i get no help or support either.

TheColdDoesBotherMeAnyway · 18/02/2015 21:17

I thought the same as you! And like you this week I've been feeling bitter about juggling work, university stuff that I need to do and 2 ill children whilst I feel ill myself with no family help at all, it's just me and dh. My parents are 2 hours away and the ILs live abroad.
I know that some grandparents do a lot and that's great but that survey forgot those of us that don't have that support and it's bloody hard!

Original poster
Oldladyfish · 18/02/2015 21:17

actually, that's quite helpful! Maybe i AM being unreasonable!!! I think I've got so used to everyone telling me how much their parents do for them, that i got annoyed by it!

Maybe i'm actually more annoyed by the work/vomitty child solo thing and will withdraw disgracefully from the posting world (-:

the survey is on teh front page of mumsnet...

OP posts:
AQUAFlow · 18/02/2015 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Oldladyfish · 18/02/2015 21:19

thanks thecolddoesbothermeanyway and coppertop! It has definitely been pitched in a misrepresentative way i think.

But maybe i need to back off my sense of entitlement that my parents should babysit!

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 18/02/2015 21:20

YANBU. My PILs don't "do" babysitting. Ever. Gets on my tits a bit if I'm honest, but hey ho.

AQUAFlow · 18/02/2015 21:22

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Oldladyfish · 18/02/2015 21:26

Hi Saucyjack! none of my DD's grandparents have EVER babysat for her even once. maybe this isn't unusual... and shouldn't be expected... but i kind of hope for it!

OP posts:
callamia · 18/02/2015 21:29

No help here, we live too far away. It's just the way it is, but I wish my son got to see more of his grandparents. My parents both still work, and DH's parents are closer, but understandably don't want to drive into London often. It's tough, especially this week while DS has been ill, but we know no different.

ClumsyNinja · 18/02/2015 21:39

Ha, at least your kids have grandparents....

Original poster
Oldladyfish · 18/02/2015 21:49

ClumsyNinja -- I'm very grateful my parents are alive. I'm sorry if that's not the case for you x
AQUAflow -- anyone who says that to you, is a total moron!!!!!!!

OP posts:
AQUAFlow · 18/02/2015 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Oldladyfish · 18/02/2015 21:58

AQUAflow -- I was really annoyed a while back when David Cameron started banging on about grandparents as being the saviours of the economy by all of their "amazing unpaid work" and then i saw mumsnet were doing the survey, but were only soliciting opinion from those who GOT help from grandparents. When they presented the results as "one fifth of parents" it just got my hackles up.

But, to be honest, I wouldn't be even on here if hadn't had such a struggle of a week!!! i can normally contain my rage and self-pity, but tonight i needed to find other people who don't get any help!

OP posts:
TheColdDoesBotherMeAnyway · 18/02/2015 22:01

I think the same - the survey was really misrepresentative.
As for the no help issue, generally we just accept it and get on with it but when the dds are too ill for childcare, or we just fancy a break, or a few hours so I can write an essay it can be stressful Sad

MsVestibule · 18/02/2015 22:03

I hate surveys like this; what is the point in specifically only asking parents use grandparents for childcare, and then coming out with a statement like:

'"Childcare: A joint study by Mumsnet and Gransnet has found that a fifth of parents said that getting childcare help from their mum, dad or in-laws was the only way they could afford to go back to work."

When in reality, it should have read 'a fifth of parents who use grandparents for childcare while they work said that...'

VERY big difference.

TheFairyCaravan · 18/02/2015 22:08

My DC are 18&20 now. I have never had any help from grandparents on either side. The only time anyone has helped out was when PILs had them for 3 days when I had major surgery and they moaned about that!

My parents had my brother and sister's children and PILs have had SIL's DC so they could work.

I am bitter about it.

ClumsyNinja · 18/02/2015 22:09

Thanks OP.

I totally understand where you're coming from about feeling a bit envious of the help some others get from family members.

When DS was a baby and I was unwell and struggling, if one of my NCT mum friends moaned about their MiL not being perfect, I used to tell them off, lol. None of them had really awful MiL's though otherwise, I'd have been more considerate, obviously. We all need a good rant from time to time.

Having said that, I have 4 fab NCT pals who I have kept in touch with and when I lived nearer they were all really supportive in a practical way if I was really sick and needed help, so I can't really complain. I do miss not having them nearby now I've moved away.

Original poster
Oldladyfish · 18/02/2015 22:15

Ah, TheFairyCaravan! You gladden my heart with your bitterness (-: I'm so sorry you had that, but i'm happy it's not just me!

The surgery really rings a bell too!! I have to have minor surgery in April and have asked my DD's grandparents if they can have her for 24hrs so i can recover, and so far one "no" (they are going on a cruise which is not yet booked) and one non-response.

bitter bitter bitter. moan moan moan.

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 18/02/2015 22:22

The last time I had major surgery I asked my parents if they'd have DC, they said no. Then they took my sister's DC on holiday, abroad, on the day of my operation.

When I went into labour with DS2 they wouldn't look after DS1 because they were painting my brother's living room. It was Christmas Eve.

The way I look at it is, when they need stuff doing when they are old they needn't bother asking me because I shall always be too busy!

RigglinJigglin · 18/02/2015 22:23

We get no help either OP, my parents are too far away. ILs would but don't want to specify a certain time or day to help, so we've left them too it and crack on. They do however have BILs child twice a week Hmm

I have to say we're the only couple bar one I know that doesn't rely on family or grandparents for childcare / babysitting.

thereinmadnesslies · 18/02/2015 22:23

The survey made me really cross too. No Grandparent support here. TBH I wouldn't advise anyone to have kids unless there is at least one family member around to help.

evelynj · 18/02/2015 22:25

That is really misleading wording. I expected better from MN