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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

to be irritated by the gransnet survey?

66 replies

Oldladyfish · 18/02/2015 21:05

I know there are lots of amazing grandparents out there, but the survey felt annoyingly unrepresentative. As it was only people who actively had grandparental support who took part, it made out that grandparents are doing loads more than they actually are.

I get no help from any of my daughter's grandparents. Am i the only one?

(I must admit that I'm in a totally foul mood as I've been looking after a sick 2yr old by myself, trying to work at the same time, and not feel bitter that what i miss most is having some family support. As a single parent it grates badly enough, but to read about the wonders of grandparents rubbed it in really.)

Am i the only one who has living parents/parents-in-law in the country, and who gets no support? AIBU about that blooming survey?

OP posts:

HorraceTheOtter · 18/02/2015 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoooRooo · 18/02/2015 22:51

I tried answering that survey but it was set up in such a way that you could only answer if you get help from grandparents - which I don't - so I had to abandon it unfinished. I agree the way the results have been reported is very misleading.

monkeytree · 18/02/2015 22:53

We only have one grandparent between us, deceased and one estranged and surviving grandparent works so not readily available to support. My own grandparents were fantastic and gave us time and attention and were loved because of it. Yes it does make me feel bitter sometimes and seems unfair and I could do with more quality time with dh and for myself but it also puts me more in control about how I bring my dc's up. I can't change the situation. I think some grandparents are virtually bringing their grandchildren up. So whilst I would like more balance, I am so grateful I have a supportive dh and fortunate I can choose to be a sahm. It's not easy to be a sahm just as it's not easy to work and juggle childcare but I throw myself into the role and realise that the dc's grow so quickly. There is so much to learn but hopefully I will look back and think I've done a good job of bringing up my dcs with my dh's help. Also I hope to more 'there' for any grandchildren should they need me whilst factoring in interests for myself too.

ClockwiseCat · 18/02/2015 22:58

It is so annoying not getting any help or offers of support. Both sets of GPs live miles away from us but DPIL are great. When they do come to visit they always insist that DH and I go out for a night and babysit even though they are older than my parents and have a much longer journey. My parents are rubbish. They come up to visit occasionally and go out themselves for a meal. They have retired early and their lives are just endless cruises and eating out although they do a lot for my sibling who lives near them and relies on them for childcare. It would be nice if they could occasionally do something to help. It does piss me off tbh, especially when they complain that we don't go to visit often enough. Too bloody right we don't when they can't be bothered coming to see us.

monkeytree · 18/02/2015 23:00

Old lady fish just re-read your Post and see you are a single parent so feel thoughtless about above comment of supportive dh. My db is a single dad of three boys and things are so tough for him, obviously he is in the same boat as me but without partner to support (as well as grandparents).

Fairenuff · 18/02/2015 23:01

"Childcare: A joint study by Mumsnet and Gransnet has found that a fifth of parents said that getting childcare help from their mum, dad or in-laws was the only way they could afford to go back to work."

One fifth of parents get help from grandparents. One fifth is 20%. That means that 80% do not get help. So isn't that saying that the majority of parents do not have help. Just like you OP?

Or am I missing something?

Butterflywings168 · 18/02/2015 23:10

Very misleading, Mumsnet. Disappointing.
Fairenuff, there's a difference between getting any help and it being the only way someone can work.

coppertop · 18/02/2015 23:21

Fairenuff - That's where the misleading part comes in. The survey didn't find that 20% of parents got help from their grandparents or even that 20% of parents could only work with help from grandparents..

What it should have said was:

"Childcare: A joint study by Mumsnet and Gransnet has found that a fifth of parents who get childcare help from grandparents said that getting childcare help from their mum, dad or in-laws was the only way they could afford to go back to work."

Not the same thing at all IMO.

EdithWeston · 19/02/2015 07:38

I agree with coppertop.

And didn't take part in the survey becuase I thought it wanted responses only from those who did have help from grandparents.

We didn't.

And 20% of thise using it found it made a critical difference to plans to return to work is not the same as 20% of all parents.

FaFoutis · 19/02/2015 07:45

I get no help at all from grandparents.

The way the survey results were presented pissed me off too (and I'm bitter). Completely misleading.

It would have been interesting to find out what % we are.

Only1scoop · 19/02/2015 07:54

Not read survey but I'd doubtlessly feel the same as you Op....

They will step up if asked in an emergency but blow me down with a feather if I didn't for some strange reason they may love just having their well behaved gd just occasionally for fun or an afternoon out....no....doesn't happen.

Pisses me right off when we take her places and there are grandparents everywhere with their gc.

Feel your pain Op

Tanith · 19/02/2015 08:07

Oh good! I'm glad I'm not the only one irritated by that survey

I had three issues with it.

The first was, as pp have said, only those involved with GP childcare were invited to comment.

The second was related: only about 1000 posters responded anyway. A fifth of all parents?? I think not!

Lastly, the conclusion bore no resemblance to the survey results. Parents forced to use grandparents because childcare is prohibitively expensive. Actually, that's not what the survey said!
Most respondents said it was the relationship between grandparents and child that was the main reason and that they would continue to use grandparents even if childcare costs were cheaper.

Original poster

Oldladyfish · 19/02/2015 09:16

Monkey-tree -- you weren't thoughtless at all! Don't think twice about it. I didn't say I was a single mum in the OP, and I'm aware having a DH may not always be easy in itself!

So glad others are cheesed off. Both by the misleading and unhelpful survey and by GPs who don't do anything. I don't expect anyone to look after my daughter 'for free' so i can work, but I'd love to have the occasional moment where I can be ill/have a work crisis/have DD be ill, and not have to sort it all out solo!

OP posts:

SantasFavouriteHo · 19/02/2015 09:19

I agree! Both DPs parents are deceased, my father fucked off into the moonlight when I was in my teens never to be heard from again and my mother is a bi-polar narc who I have to actively protect my kids from! No bloody help here either....

DidoTheDodo · 19/02/2015 09:23

I'm a grandparent and I work full time, with a 3.5 hr commute every day. My grandchildren live 200 and 300 miles away from me in opposite directions.

What kind of help do you imagine I can offer?

(I'm getting a bit fed up with the seemingly constant assumption that GPs are just there to offer free childcare to their offspring. Nice if they can - and WANT to - but your children are your responsibility)

DidoTheDodo · 19/02/2015 09:25

Oh,...PS, neither of my offspring have ever expressed the view that I should help more. Only on MN do I frequently read the opinion that GPs are beholden to their children for free childcare!

ssd · 19/02/2015 09:26

me too

my kids have no grandparents , since ds2 was 11, thats too young to not have a granny or grandad but they are all dead

I get sick of seeing the fawning grandparents around but only cos I'm dead jealous

and no I could afford to work as I#ve had no help the last 12 years and so I'm doing a shit badly paid job as it was all I could get to fit around my kids and I reaally need the money

am sick of seeing posts here saying oh arent you lucky to be at home with your kids, no the reality is most of us have no free help like you do so you can whizz off to work and come back when it suits you knowing your mum is at home all day for you

there..that feels better!!

Sizzlesthedog · 19/02/2015 09:26

I was going to do the survey as I get no help. But it read as though it was only a survey for people with helpful Grandparents.

Mmm. Would expect more from MN. I have reported my post MNHQ what percent are we?

Can we have another survey asking who has help and who doesn't, but this time be clearer about who you need to do the survey.

notonly · 19/02/2015 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sizzlesthedog · 19/02/2015 09:30

I've sent a message to MNHQ asking for them to comment. So see what happens.

FragileBrittleStar · 19/02/2015 09:35

DP's parents are too old and too far away - although they have baby sat twice
As for my DM- she likes to say she is the doting grandma but she has never baby sat /helped in any way - even when she comes to see DS she basically ignores him/doesn't interact in any way just sits on sofa reading newspapers and playing on her phone. I had to ask her once to babysit (total emergency- i was at funeral/arranged babysitter couldn't come as DS had chickenpox) - she was 2 hrs last so DP had to take DS to work with him.
Agree research headline is totally misleading

LatinForTelly · 19/02/2015 09:51

Good idea, Sizzles - the methodology does seem to be flawed, and the 'findings' misleading.

I understand how you feel, OP. It must be really hard. I think you are entitled to moan! I live in an area where lots of people get regular help from grandparents, and you really are the odd one out if you don't have some sort of local support.

Having said that, to answer Dido, I think I see the GPs' perspective too. Of course you can't help if you are 200 miles away and work full-time. And I always think how amazing grandparents who do regular childcare are - it shouldn't be obligatory at all.

But there are situations which are less clear-cut than yours, and if I imagine myself in 25 years time with my children and grandchildren in those situations, I have thought, 'why wouldn't I help, if I could?' I just would.

SaucyJack · 19/02/2015 09:56

I think that's it Only1Scoop

I certainly don't think they should feel obliged to babysit. I'm just a bit hurt that they don't ever want to have DD. SIL feels the same about hers.

They're retired, fit and healthy, live less than 5 miles away and spend most of their days doing nothing more interesting than arguing over which shade of pale mint green to re paint the already pale mint green kitchen.

They're always delighted to see any of their grandchildren when either us or SIL take them round. Yet they refuse on principle to take a couple of hours out of their busy schedule of Saga cruising or dinner parties to form a deeper bond.

*wanders off muttering about the bloody baby boomers

KERALA1 · 19/02/2015 09:59

My hale and hearty in laws moved abroad because "there's nothing to keep us in England". They have never lifted a finger to help and unforgivably didn't come over to support bil when his first much wanted baby died. Dh was their family support. So yes the lauding of super grandparents triggered a hollow laugh from me....

KERALA1 · 19/02/2015 10:03

Also my friends mother who left her in tears with no childcare when my friends dh had to have terrifying brain surgery out of the blue because the granny needed to get home to do her stint as a national trust volunteer. And that was, incredibly, more important.

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