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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that my husband to come downstairs to partake in daughters birthday

82 replies

Bravenewworld1 · 18/02/2015 19:19

Today is my daughters 8th birthday. she has never had a birthday party in the traditional sense, usually we just go out for lunch. this year I wanted to give her a proper party. I invited 14 of her school friends to the house. I made a pass the parcel., party bags little prizes for the kids and so on. a friend offered to help ouT- she was brilliant and I dont think i could have done it without her. they arrived at 1 left at 2. my husband works for himself so can decide when he takes time off. usually he works weekends. he did take the day off but spend the most of his time in his room. he helped me clean the house in the morning and took my daughter to the shops which are a 5 min walk away to buy her present- all this took about 20 mins. During the party he popped down twice for about 2 mins. he wasn't even there when she was blowing out her candles. as well as this he didn't lift a finger to clear up the mess after I FEEL REALLY DISAPPOINTED- especially as he is going away for a couple of days tomorrow. I told him how upset I was- he responded by saying that he took the day off , he doesn't do parties ant that he's a 48 year man and doesn't have to help out if he doesn't want too. he has stayed in his room most of the eveining.

OP posts:

worksallhours · 19/02/2015 00:13

He didn't come down for the blowing out of candles?!

Is that because he is secretly afraid of them?

Maybe he had a bad experience with candles and cake when he was little at a birthday party and has now developed an irrational fear of them, and just used the "I'm a 48 year old man" as an excuse so he didn't have to face eight EIGHT! of those objects of terror.

cakedup · 19/02/2015 23:54

I usually duck out at the candles I just don't get it OllyBJolly. Blowing out the candles is one of the highlights of a chid's year. It takes a few seconds.

Lweji · 19/02/2015 23:58

he's a 48 year man and doesn't have to help out if he doesn't want too.

OMFG.

I hope you don't ever do anything for him at all ever again. At least until he apologises

Lweji · 19/02/2015 23:59

And he's taking a break and leaves you to child mind, while he takes a break?

What's stopping you from sodding off just before he's supposed to leave and not come back until he's supposed to be back?

IPityThePontipines · 20/02/2015 00:37

"I had to double check your child's age. From the party description I thought she was 3."

What?! Are 8 year olds birthday parties meant to be drinking gin and trading witticisms, like members of Dorothy Parker's salon?

Not unreasonable OP. It's 2 hours and a bit of tidying, you're not asking for a kidney.

TheAnalyst · 20/02/2015 03:59

"I'm a 48-year-old man, I don't have to be at my daughter's party if I don't want to."

What a pompous numpty.

It's my daughter's (2nd) birthday soon. We are doing a party. If I pulled the same stunt I would be disembowelled, and rightly so, too.

PastPerfect · 20/02/2015 04:27

"I think flippety was implying 8 is too old..."

No flippety was being gratuitously bitchy.

At 48 your DH should have figured out that there are times where even if you don't want to join in (and frankly he should want to join in his 8 year olds birthday celebration) then you suck it up. Cos that's what a grown up does. Especially for their child.

I hope your dd had a lovely day despite her father being an idiot

Lweji · 20/02/2015 07:12

Something tells me that your problems with this man are bigger than this party.

If so, consider posting in relationships.

Icimoi · 20/02/2015 07:32

Good grief, it's fair to say that, viewed objectively, children's parties are nothing but bloody hard work for adults and most of us probably have no particular wish to be present at them. But set against that is the joy of making your child happy and giving her a special day. I must say I really don't understand why a parent wouldn't want to be involved in that.

KiaOraOAotearoa · 20/02/2015 07:42

OP, YANBU! He's a twat.
I hope your DD had a brill party.
Don't acknowledge his birthday and ignore him at Christmas, that's if you're not nailing him by his balls in the garden shed by then.
Why would anyone be such an idiot at his own child's birthday??!!!
Mine would pay for years to come for this.

DurhamDurham · 20/02/2015 07:53

Your husband was v unreasonable by the standards of today, my husband has never missed any of our children's parties........my oldest is now 22 and so probably won't be having a party this year, will instead be drinking cocktails with her friends so we possibly won't be invited to this one

I agree with those who say that they can't remember their dads being at their parties. My dad never came to mine, he used to help set up and clear up but made himself scarce for the actually party. I honestly think that was the done thing then.

My dad however has been to more than his fair share of his grandchildren's parties. Including one where he was chosen to be the magician's assistant. He pretended to be cross but I just know he secretly loved it!

momdirection · 20/02/2015 07:53

I think it's ok for one parent (not the father because he's a man and 'men shouldn't have to deal with fripperies like parties' just to be clear) to duck out of parties and play dates if it's really not their bag...

BUT very odd not to be there at least for the blowing out of candles. I don't know any parents who'd want to miss that - it's a special little moment, another year older, the child's delight. A memory.

DurhamDurham · 20/02/2015 07:54

And another thing, 8 years old is not too old to be playing party games and having party bags, it sounds like a perfect party. We had party pages and party games ( which might or might not have included alcohol ) at my daughters 18th birthday party.

momdirection · 20/02/2015 07:58

Yes Durham. I'm wondering what that poster thinks is age appropriate for 8th birthday parties? Lap dancing clubs, bridge evenings, reading groups, piss up down the pub...night at the opera?

Pinkrosesarebest · 20/02/2015 08:13

Unless he has a genuine reason-I.e mental health social phobia or depression type of stuff he should have been there. More to the point he should have wanted to be there. Childhood is fleeting. I hope your little girl enjoyed the party anyway

Original poster

Bravenewworld1 · 20/02/2015 10:44

we have been having problems before this party as it goes. I all stems from Christmas when I accused him of not doing anything to help. he said that this comment was unforgivable as he had driven several miles to pick up my sister and her partner and my father ( he is very old -90 and having radiotherapy treatment for skin cancer on at the time). they were having Christmas with us. I had asked his if he didn't mind doing them this favour weeks before and he said that would be fine . ANYWAY because I had said that I have totally ruined his Christmas and things have been really up and down. often he tells me that I am a horrible abusive person. About 2 weeks ago I couldn't take anymore so I packed a case and took myself and the kids to my nieces house. He came home just as we were getting in the cab. He shouted that if I took the kids he would phone the police and inform them I had kidnapped kids. I still lef, butt only for a few days. when I came home he just told me that I was an awful mother as I had effectively kidnapped the kids- even though about 2 hours after I had left I made sure my daughter phoned him and told him where we were. he also called me a bitch. what should I do my husband never says sorry

OP posts:

Tinkerball · 20/02/2015 10:59

OP even before reading your last post I thought it must be about more than your DDs party. Sometimes it takes a small incident to get you to look at the bigger picture.

Tinkerball · 20/02/2015 10:59

How do you feel about him?

Original poster

Bravenewworld1 · 20/02/2015 11:09

I feel really hard done by. Everything is always my fault according to him. I often shout when we argue usually due to sheer frustration- he rarely admits to being wrong- he is also very good at presenting his case and arguing - he does this for a living as he is a criminal solicitor. if I do raise my voice or shout then he says that I am abusive- a bad mother and so on so I always end up apologising. I am very angry I am seriously considering divorce

OP posts:

Lweji · 20/02/2015 11:23

I think you need to think carefully about what you want from this relationship and what your boundaries are.

If you do want out, then start working on a proper plan. Better than taking off for a few days and then coming back.

BreakingDad77 · 20/02/2015 11:24

he doesn't do parties ant that he's a 48 year man and doesn't have to help out if he doesn't want too.

YANBU - what an arse - birthdays are precious, some dads are half way around the world and never get to share them or be part of it.

LividofLondinium · 20/02/2015 12:28

he doesn't do parties ant that he's a 48 year man and doesn't have to help out if he doesn't want too

The thing with being a parent is that you do things that physically or psychologically benefit your children even if it's stuff you're not into. Selfish git.
How's his parenting normally?

captainfarrell · 20/02/2015 12:40

I would be disappointed too OP. But, is he a shy person? It can be a bit overwhelming for us all to deal with so many other kids and their parents if they stuck around. Especially if it's the first time. Back in the 70s my dad was always at work and my mum ran the party after school etc. But I still had time with dad opening cards and presents etc.Maybe he felt a bit left out. Try giving him a specific responsibility next time like taking photos and lighting candles so he feels useful. Was this your dds actual birthday or a party on a day close? Did he spend time with her when everyone else had left?

captainfarrell · 20/02/2015 12:47

Ok just read your later post. There are obviously other major issues here. Is he trying cause a break up by trying to make you hate him? Could be he cheating? Have seen this happen before, a way to make you leave.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 20/02/2015 14:20

LTB. This man is crap.

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