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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that my husband to come downstairs to partake in daughters birthday

82 replies

Bravenewworld1 · 18/02/2015 19:19

Today is my daughters 8th birthday. she has never had a birthday party in the traditional sense, usually we just go out for lunch. this year I wanted to give her a proper party. I invited 14 of her school friends to the house. I made a pass the parcel., party bags little prizes for the kids and so on. a friend offered to help ouT- she was brilliant and I dont think i could have done it without her. they arrived at 1 left at 2. my husband works for himself so can decide when he takes time off. usually he works weekends. he did take the day off but spend the most of his time in his room. he helped me clean the house in the morning and took my daughter to the shops which are a 5 min walk away to buy her present- all this took about 20 mins. During the party he popped down twice for about 2 mins. he wasn't even there when she was blowing out her candles. as well as this he didn't lift a finger to clear up the mess after I FEEL REALLY DISAPPOINTED- especially as he is going away for a couple of days tomorrow. I told him how upset I was- he responded by saying that he took the day off , he doesn't do parties ant that he's a 48 year man and doesn't have to help out if he doesn't want too. he has stayed in his room most of the eveining.

OP posts:

Lovemycatsandkids · 18/02/2015 20:13

OhFlippity what a stupid response.

That sounds lovely for an 8 year old op.

Your dh sounds a tad superior. No adult on earth enjoys childrens parties but he's a dad not a teenage twat so that's the deal.

maras2 · 18/02/2015 20:15

He sounds like a miserable sod.Did your child have just a 1hour party ? Or was between 1and 2 when your friend was there?

larrygrylls · 18/02/2015 20:16

I think context is all. Is he normally good with your daughter in small gatherings? Does he pull his weight in general? If he does, an 8 year old can understand him disliking one particular type of event. If not, not so good.

He should have been there for the candles, though, if nothing else.

MollieCoddler · 18/02/2015 20:16

The first few replies are unreasonable! It doesn't matter how often you say 'I'!

Yanbu. I had a very similar sounding party for my eight year old but with fewer guests. It was lovely but a huge job. I ran the party but my husband did the piñata and one of the garden games and of course was there for cake. I would have been livid if he'd opted out.

Mintyy · 18/02/2015 20:16

Ohflippitybolax - do you think 8 year old girls don't need any input from their Dads then because they're not toddlers? Or what the fuck are you trying to say?

If I were really splitting hairs, I'd say a parent's presence or not at a birthday party matters MORE when you are 8 than when you are 3.

TerryTheGreenHorse · 18/02/2015 20:17

I read it as just being plain mean about the party.

happyhats · 18/02/2015 20:18

Some comments seem a bit mean. I think it sounds like a normal party and the games/prizes etc sounded fun.
YANBU with regard to hubby hiding upstairs!! He should have made more of an effort.

TerryTheGreenHorse · 18/02/2015 20:18

Larry, I don't think it's reasonable in the slightest for one parent to opt out of gatherings, leaving the other one to deal with it all.

Sometimes you just have to suck it up isn't that what people do??

Original poster

Bravenewworld1 · 18/02/2015 20:19

party was from 1 to 3 - sorry there was a mistake in original post

OP posts:

Yarp · 18/02/2015 20:21

YANBU

there's no excuse for him missing the entire party and failing to help clear up.

QuestionsaboutDS · 18/02/2015 20:28

Oh it would be pretty dodgy behaviour from a stepparent - but I do think it's qualitatively worse from an actual parent which is why I asked.

ThereIsACarInTheKitchen · 18/02/2015 20:36

I think OhFlippityBolax was trying to imply that 8 was too old to be playing party games and having party bags.

ThereIsACarInTheKitchen · 18/02/2015 20:36

I don't agree btw.

theQuibbler · 18/02/2015 20:46

I would be fuming. it was a party for his daughter and he should absolutely have been there to cut cake and take pictures and all the rest. why on earth should you have to do it all? Who likes children's parties? No-one! But you do it for the sake of your children and to give them nice memories.

He sounds insufferable.

Well done for giving your daughter such a lovely time.

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/02/2015 20:51

Yanbu. It's once a sodding year and her first ever party.

He's a knob your poor dd

SwedishEdith · 18/02/2015 20:54

The first two replies are weird - are they your husband? Anyway, YADNBU. Hope your little girl had a lovely party and didn't notice her dad not being there.

Original poster

Bravenewworld1 · 18/02/2015 21:00

when I first wrote this post I felt so so upset. I have never posted on this site before and now I understand why people do it. I feel so so much better. thank you every one ( well almost everyone) for your kind words and support. I now feel I have a right to be upset which weirdly makes me less upset thank you very much

OP posts:

Laquitar · 18/02/2015 21:09

He doesn't do parties???
Well his dd does and he could bloody be there when she blew the caddles.

YANBU OP.

Can i ask why id this her first party, is it because he doesn't do birthday parties?

julker · 18/02/2015 21:09

My dad did (and still does) leave most of the present buying and party organising to my mum but if I had opened anything or done cake without him then HE would have been hurt! There is no way he would have missed it and if he had to work then we would wait/ get up early but he was always there for party of a weekend, I'm sure he hated every minute of it but he wasn't there to enjoy himself he was there to see his daughter enjoy herself and gain enjoyment from that!

At 8 she is old enough to have noticed his absence, he could have at least watched her blow out her candles - yadnbu

TheIronGnome · 18/02/2015 22:17

It's weird... In 28 years it's never occurred to me that I don't remember my dad being at any of my birthday parties. I never had a hall, but would have about 10 friends round for a party at home. There's many photos but I don't remember him being there, or in any of the pictures! I hope I'm wrong, and clearly I didn't remember so it couldn't have factored that highly on my radar but it's made me feel a bit for little me.

For the sake of one day of the year, I think it's importsnt for the parents to be joining in on the celebrations.

OhWotIsItThisTime · 18/02/2015 22:27

My DH rolled his eyes at the prospect of us hosting a kiddy partner. It's not his thing at all. I organised invites, food, party bags, games. He did a playlist and ran various games and awarded prizes, and was great.

Because it's about your kid having a good time, so you do it.

PaulaJane37 · 18/02/2015 23:17

YANBU!! My DP, who is not my DS (11) father was really ill with the flu (real, not man flu... Soaking sweaty bed etc. Yeauch!) got out of his bed, picked up a couple of things for my DS party (on valentines day) and stayed with me in a freezing cold (although indoor) skate park with kids he didn't know. He didn't do much (stayed well back for fear of passing on the flu) but said he wouldn't not miss my DS party!! OP, your DH sounds like an arse, tell him my DP is 42 and understands what it is to be a father/step father and how to behave in polite company and be a team!! Hugs OP, the party sounds ace! X

cakedup · 18/02/2015 23:28

How sad. I find it hard to believe anyone would not want to see their dc blow out candles? Or enjoy themselves on the best day of their year?

OllyBJolly · 18/02/2015 23:35

To be fair, self employment might seem that you can work when you want, but the reality is you work when the client wants! If I had to go away for a few days, then the day before I'd be stressed out my head making sure I got everything out of the way first.

Maybe he didn't feel he was adding anything to the day, so made himself scarce. It sounds as if the OP had everything under control. (FWIW, I usually duck out at the candles because I have a voice like a foghorn so never join in the happy birthday song)

I can understand why OP might be disappointed, but worth understanding other side too.

Original poster

Bravenewworld1 · 18/02/2015 23:44

my husband doesn't have to go away . he's taking a break- he likes to do this from time to time nothing to do with work and he was not working when he was upstairs

OP posts:

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