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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that if you have to 'play it cool', you have relationship problems?

97 replies

Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 16:47

My DP is currently living and working in Shanghai. I am moving out there in August. We talk and WhatsApp whenever we can but it's obviously difficult sometimes being apart, especially since I suffer from mild anxiety.

Anyway, today I was talking to my mum about how every so often (probably once a month or so) I start to panic that either DP or I will get killed by a bus or something before we have a chance to be together again. I explained that whenever this happens, I talk to or text DP and he calms me down and reassures me.

Mum's reaction was 'you are going to scare that poor man off! You need to play it cool!'

I thought this was very odd. Surely this is not the case in a loving relationship? Or AIBU? Do you think game-playing has a place? For me, it's something that indicates a relationship which has issues- what do you all think?

OP posts:

Original poster

Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 23:33

'He loves the bones of me. Anxiety or not' - yes, this. I'm glad you've found a good 'un too, Joyfull

OP posts:

LineRunner · 18/02/2015 23:33

OP, wishing you well.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 18/02/2015 23:33

linerunner me too - it ain't pretty. Maybe we should start a thread up for it!

LineRunner · 18/02/2015 23:35

Not on AIBU, though, Joyfull!

Joyfulldeathsquad · 18/02/2015 23:37

Dp and I got serious pretty quick too as we knew from or first date we liked each other a lot. Five years in and a dd together.

Playing cool was not for us. We talked about kids on our first date

Allingoodfaith · 18/02/2015 23:38

Why? Im sure there would be some helpfull advice

Joyfulldeathsquad · 18/02/2015 23:40

Hey allin your back! Are you coming to give some helpful advice?

Original poster

Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 23:42

I think sometimes it can happen like that, Joyfull- we were talking about kids within 48 hours of getting back together. DP and I are solid- I know that. It would feel totally ridiculous not to be completely myself with him, I suppose- and to me, 'playing it cool' implies that you are acting a part. Why would you want to hide your true feelings from your loved one? That was the AIBU topic really, although it seems to have descended into something else

OP posts:

fizzycolagurlie · 18/02/2015 23:44

secretlifofme
I just wanted to say this, you sound quite intense and that's fine, that's who you are. I can be intense sometimes too.

I have been with my DH for 10 years now and sometimes I just have to say to myself "does it need saying? is it going to help him at the end of a long and stressful day to have to fix me, and something I'm obsessing about, or is a quiet night together going to be better for everyone?" and I leave it.

sometimes you do need to manage yourself , if that makes sense.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 18/02/2015 23:45

Oh god the years I wasted playing cool when all I really would have appreciated was honesty. BUT I think that comes with age or maybe just pot luck meeting someone that wants exactly what you want.

Pomegranatemolasses · 18/02/2015 23:45

I think it would be strange if an AIBU thread didn't meander off in a strange way!

Are you doing anything positive to help sort out your anxiety? moving to Shanghei is a big step.

As someone who has suffered from anxiety, I find Mindfulness to be very helpful. Worth a try?

Pomegranatemolasses · 18/02/2015 23:48

And suffering from anxiety is crap, regardless of how much someone loves you, and is understanding.

just seek help and work towards sorting your anxiety out for you - to enjoy every bit of your life.

Original poster

Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 23:49

fizzycola I agree with you, and often do that too, if I can. Sometimes I find it harder than others, but as I said, if I feel it will cause DP stress, I absolutely do 'manage myself' (I like that phrase!)

Pomegranate I have a book about mindfulness and am planning to work through it before I go. It is a big step, but I don't feel the slightest anxiety about the move, actually - just immense excitement!

OP posts:

Joyfulldeathsquad · 18/02/2015 23:50

fizzy that might be how you feel in your relationship. I can honestly say dp has never had to fix me. I've had bad days but so has he. We lean on each other. Dp says I'm one of the most independent women he has ever met. It's not reallyfair to say that op relationship is the same as how you feel your is.

Pomegranatemolasses · 18/02/2015 23:55

OK, great Secret. Very best of luck to you. Keep that mindfulness book close by, it's a very low key but helpful way of managing the low level anxiety you describe.

Takes a bit of discipline at the start mind you!

fizzycolagurlie · 19/02/2015 05:12

Joyfulldeathsquad. Read Secret's response. I think she agreed with me. You make a lot of assumptions and they are off the mark.

Saltedcaramel2014 · 19/02/2015 07:38

Enjoy the move to Shanghai, what an adventure ahead. I know we've gone a bit off topic but I felt exactly like this when dH and I were living on different sides of the world for three months at the same stage in our relationship. I was looking forward to being reunited so much that I was sure something would come in the way of it. In retrospect I think it was about accepting that I deserved the happiness - I was entitled to it. there was no reason anything bad should happen. I say that in case it's helpful. It was the best feeling ever meeting again and I'm sure it will be a great thing for you!

Original poster

Secretlifeofme · 19/02/2015 09:44

Thank you Saltedcaramel! I am very excited about it :)

OP posts:

isagrey64 · 10/02/2017 04:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MaisyPops · 10/02/2017 06:45

Playing it cool describes me and DH. We're just quite chilled out people. Neither of us is into texting regularly (even before living together). We do lots independently and Neither of us is into very needy behaviour but i know that if i did end up with anxiety he'd be there supporting me all the way.

OP you seem to suggest (but maybe I've got the wrong idea) that people who play it cool are acting or faking because in an odd way that rationalises some of your own actions as just caring. It's perfectlh fine to have different threshholds of interaction but I'd agree with your mum on this. So early on, take a step back, calm down with professional help if you need fo and you'll feel much more able to handle the situation.

KathArtic · 10/02/2017 07:57

I do wonder though, if your mum may be right. Presumably she is the one who knows you best so she must be advising you for a reason. Maybe you are more full on than you realise? But then perhaps you are 50 and she fears you will never leave home and marry.

Anyway theres s difference from texting your DP with an occasional 'just checking you are ok?' to him having to spend 3 hours every night calming you down.

If your anxiety is one of your traits he loves then thats great, but a 6 or 18 months long distance relationship is early days for most people.

namechange20050 · 10/02/2017 08:18

Zombie!

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