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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if you have to 'play it cool', you have relationship problems?

97 replies

Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 16:47

My DP is currently living and working in Shanghai. I am moving out there in August. We talk and WhatsApp whenever we can but it's obviously difficult sometimes being apart, especially since I suffer from mild anxiety.

Anyway, today I was talking to my mum about how every so often (probably once a month or so) I start to panic that either DP or I will get killed by a bus or something before we have a chance to be together again. I explained that whenever this happens, I talk to or text DP and he calms me down and reassures me.

Mum's reaction was 'you are going to scare that poor man off! You need to play it cool!'

I thought this was very odd. Surely this is not the case in a loving relationship? Or AIBU? Do you think game-playing has a place? For me, it's something that indicates a relationship which has issues- what do you all think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 20:43

I'm not trying to huddle together with anyone. I was actually trying to ask a question about game-playing and 'playing it cool', as I thought this would be something that most people would leave behind once they were in a serious relationship. Lots of posters picked up on the specifics of my anxiety, which I wasn't perhaps expecting and which took me aback a little. I was therefore agreeing with those posters who seemed to have understood where I was coming from.

OP posts:
Saltedcaramel2014 · 18/02/2015 20:51

Another one agreeing totally with u2's point. People commenting harshly here don't seem to have a good understanding of anxiety or the ways some people might choose to (often successfully) manage it. I have sought professional help in the past and now might occasionally share an irrational worry with my partner. Sometimes he sympathises, sometimes we laugh about it. Worry disappears. We are closer. All good. There's an air of 'cool girl' around some of these replies...

Saltedcaramel2014 · 18/02/2015 21:00

And here is cool girl... I love this speech in Gone Girl about the bullsh*t acts women are encouraged to put on sometimes www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/13306276-gone-girl

Original poster
Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 21:04

Yes, I love that quote Grin

OP posts:
TwoOddSocks · 18/02/2015 21:07

LifeSalmon. It sounds like you don't understand anxiety.

This is a classic case, someone has become important to her and her anxiety has become centred on something happening to him. Of course you don't rationally understand it, it's irrational, that's why t's a (by the sounds of it mild) mental health issue. If it was something that should logically be worried about (e.g. my house is being repossessed, I've been diagnosed with a terrible illness) then she wouldn't describe it as anxiety it would just be something she's very worried about.

TwoOddSocks · 18/02/2015 21:13

Some of these comments are incredibly unpleasant.

Lying the OP doesn't have to accept every view point that's put forward and your manner of addressing yourself is incredibly unpleasant. I wouldn't listen to you either. Since your replies aren't helpful either. Of course OP wants to get a handle on her anxiety outside of her DP that's obvious but it's not a disease with an easy cure and getting professional help and having understanding from your partner are not mutually exclusive.

Not everyone would be willing to deal with someone who has anxiety, depression, diabetes, heart disease or any other illness. That's absolutely fine, if they don't want to they shouldn't have to but even if OP just didn't mention her anxiety to her DP it will affect their relationship. If you're very anxious it will very much affect how you interact with those close to you.

My DH has anxiety and I much prefer he tells me upfront what he's anxious about so I can help and know why he's acting a certain way. If I didn't feel that way we wouldn't be compatible. It might not be something any of you would be able to/want to deal with in a relationship but that doesn't mean you can speak for OP's DP who seems absolutely fine with it and if he isn't then it won't work out so OP is better off finding out now.

Original poster
Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 21:18

Thank you TwoOddSocks. My DP is fine with my anxiety, as you say. My original question was not so much whether I was being U to share it with him, as whether it was U to think that the concept of 'playing it cool' has no place in a healthy relationship.

OP posts:
TwoOddSocks · 18/02/2015 21:25

I'm with you Secretlifeofme but then there are women who never let their partner see them without make up on (even after moving in!) so I guess some people are happy with that kind of relationship. I can't imagine anything worse than having to maintain an act in front of a partner or have a partner do that to me!

Sallystyle · 18/02/2015 21:37

Some of the replies here are just stupid and stinks of just wanting to disagree with the op because this is AIBU and there is no drama to be had here so you need to make it up.

Who seriously believes that discussing your anxieties with someone you love is a bad thing? who with anxiety has such amazing control over their illness that they seek professional help and never speak to their partner about their fears? Who would seriously recommend that the op does not discuss her anxieties with the man she is planing to move in with? The only people who would do that are those who are either in a shitty relationship, do not understand anxiety or just like to disagree for the sake of it. This thread is quite funny because some of the views here are really stupid.

I do not know anyone with anxiety who never occasionally asks their partner for reassurance, even while getting therapy.

I do find it weird to be so besotted with someone so soon that you worry about them dying

You say you are not dense about anxiety? sorry but this right here proves that actually, you really do have a very limited understanding of it. I was madly in love with my husband after just weeks and we are madly in love 10 years later; it happens. Oddsocks gave a great explanation why your comment proves you know very little about anxiety.

I will always encourage someone to be open with their partner if they are planning on settling down with them. If you can't talk to your partner about issues like this then don't expect to get much support when you are married. If someone is put off by being in a relationship with someone with anxiety than that is certainly their right, but by all accounts OP's dp is fine with it and supportive. People should not be telling the OP that she should not be talking to him about it.

Great post OddSocks

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/02/2015 21:38

TwoOddSocks, I was referring to the posts of other posters that I thought were quite empathetic and helpful.

Thank you for explaining, Secretlifeofme. I don't suffer from anxiety and really was wondering where you were coming from and I have a better idea now.

Original poster
Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 22:05

DP is most certainly not put off. In fact, he is the one who has always encouraged me to talk to him about my anxieties. He's fucking brilliant tbh Grin

OP posts:
Runningupthathill82 · 18/02/2015 22:25

Bloody hell, not this "cool girl" nonsense. And quoting a very screwed-up character in a rather crap novel doesn't lend credence to any argument.

Original poster
Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 22:28

I don't think the concept of 'cool girl' is nonsense, tbh. It's exaggerated in the novel, but it is worrying, to my mind, that some posters feel it is unacceptable to be yourself with the person you love, for fear of 'putting them off' Hmm

OP posts:
Runningupthathill82 · 18/02/2015 22:29

To get to the point, anyway. I suffer from anxiety. And I share my fears with my DH.

However, OP, I agree with your mum. You've been together a few months and he lives abroad - you should still be in the fun, light hearted stage, rather than being so dependent upon him and his well-being.

I also suspect you know this to some degree, otherwise not only would you not have posted, but you also wouldn't be protesting to such a degree.

LineRunner · 18/02/2015 22:34

I think the OP said they were together for a year, separated for logistical reasons, and reconnected six months ago.

Sallystyle · 18/02/2015 22:47

Oh the 'cool girl' concept definitely exists.

Six months into my relationship it wasn't all fun and light. We couldn't be happier 10 years later. I had anxiety when we met, we talked about it and he helped support me and I helped support him. That part of me didn't just disappear because I was in a new relationship. It was important that he knew that side of me before we committed. She mentions her anxiety every now and then, she is hardly calling him up sobbing every single day begging for reassurance.

Having anxiety and mentioning it to your partner who you are moving in with every now and then does not mean the relationship isn't fun or light.

If the OP and her DP are happy with the way it is going then her mum is silly to tell her to play it cool incase she scares him off. I would never play a part of my personality down incase it scares a man off Hmm. They either accept me as I am, warts and all or not at all. If my anxiety scared my husband off then quite frankly, I would have been better off without him. I would never tell someone to stop being who they are so they don't scare a man off and I would never want to be with someone who can't accept me as I am, 6 months into a relationship or 60 years.

LineRunner · 18/02/2015 22:51

I agree it is pointless trying to hide anxiety.

I have some; it coincides with PMT.

Fanfeckintastic · 18/02/2015 22:57

A six month long distance relationship shouldn't even warrant a thread yet let alone hand holding for fear of the others death!

Original poster
Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 22:58

Yes LineRunner, that is correct- we have been together for a total of eighteen months with a break in the middle.

And I disagree that we should be in the 'fun and light' stage. We have a lot of fun and are very light-hearted; but we also have to discuss much deeper issues, as I am planning to move across the world to be with him. I would not even consider doing this for a second if I thought he might 'run for the hills' at the first sign of my true self.

OP posts:
Original poster
Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 23:02

Thanks, fanfeckingtastic, for your excellent advice there. I wasn't actually asking for handholding, if you read the thread properly, but oh well Hmm.

OP posts:
Fanfeckintastic · 18/02/2015 23:21

Well it all sounds barmy to me but he's obviously into it so continue as you are, not sure what the point of your thread was when the majority are saying YABU but you're just coming back with the same thing.

We can only give our opinions, to many of us your behavior would erect many red flags but it obviously hasn't for your partner. Six months all the same, take it easy.

Original poster
Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 23:25

The point of my thread was to ask whether 'playing it cool' is a thing that real people actually do in serious relationships. It wasn't actually to ask about the rights and wrongs of my own relationship.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 18/02/2015 23:27

To be honest, I think that posting about anxiety in AIBU is never going to end well.

Original poster
Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 23:29

You may be right, LineRunner but my thread wasn't really meant to be about anxiety! It's strange how AIBU goes sometimes Confused

OP posts:
Joyfulldeathsquad · 18/02/2015 23:31

op I have anxiety too and once in while I confess very bizarre things to dp.

He doesn't care one bit. He loves the bones of me. Anxiety or not.

Also this is the first relationship I never had to play cool on.

If this reladtionship is working for you both as it is - don't listen to other 'advice'