Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if you have to 'play it cool', you have relationship problems?

97 replies

Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 16:47

My DP is currently living and working in Shanghai. I am moving out there in August. We talk and WhatsApp whenever we can but it's obviously difficult sometimes being apart, especially since I suffer from mild anxiety.

Anyway, today I was talking to my mum about how every so often (probably once a month or so) I start to panic that either DP or I will get killed by a bus or something before we have a chance to be together again. I explained that whenever this happens, I talk to or text DP and he calms me down and reassures me.

Mum's reaction was 'you are going to scare that poor man off! You need to play it cool!'

I thought this was very odd. Surely this is not the case in a loving relationship? Or AIBU? Do you think game-playing has a place? For me, it's something that indicates a relationship which has issues- what do you all think?

OP posts:
Charlotte3333 · 18/02/2015 17:39

I don't think you can honestly live your life with the sole intention of being attractive. I've delivered a 10lb fathead baby in front of DH, attractive was the least of my concerns at that point.

I think it's normal to worry in a relationship, especially as he's so far away. Much better to be upfront and honest about it than to sit and dwell on it by yourself and drive yourself mad. Games are for children. Grown ups do not need to play games to remain attractive. You're not BU at all.

100sanemum · 18/02/2015 17:40

There's talking about anxieties though and then there's needing your partner to reassure your pathological anxieties. The latter requires a professional.

Whilst I am open with my partner, I wouldn't share with him all the symptoms of my thrush (verbally that is!), I'd go and get it treated

Original poster
Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 17:40

I know my bf would always want me to be open and honest with him about anything that was troubling me, for whatever reason, and not to feel I couldn't or shouldn't tell him what I was thinking or feeling because of playing it cool. Bollocks to that
Totally agreed, velvetspoon. In fact, my DP has said this to me almost word for word many times.

OP posts:
Charlotte3333 · 18/02/2015 17:40

Also, my DH works away quite a bit. I catch myself worrying about him more when he's away than when he's at home. It's normal. You're more aware of someone's potential long-term absence when you can't be with them.

Manic3mum · 18/02/2015 17:43

I do still consider whether my behaviour is attractive to my husband - we have been married 5 years and have 3 kids. But i still wouldn't burp or fart or pick my nose in front of him. I try not to be needy or clingy or whingy because thats just not attractive is it?
Likewise he feels similar.
I think maybe your mum is trying to advise to keep your behaviour and conversations neutral - because it might be off-putting for your dp to have to be 'hand-holding' from the other side of the world, all the time?

Original poster
Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 17:44

Yes Charlotte, that's true. Of course it's irrational, because he might just as easily be run over by a bus when I'm there with him; but anxiety isn't by definition rational!

OP posts:
cingolimama · 18/02/2015 17:45

Ok, before everyone jumps down my throat at the word "attractive" which seems to have set everyone's teeth on edge.... I was specifically talking about the difficulties in maintaining a long-distance relationship.

Her DP is on the other side of the world, living his life and Op is living hers. They are trying to maintain the connection between them, the love and sense of togetherness, which is not easy. One of the things that happens is that every communication kind of weighs more IYKWIM. It's hard to have the light-hearted "please don't step in front of a moving train today" easy banter to dispel fears of death. It is a different matter venting your anxieties during the day when you're going to see them again that evening for dinner.

Original poster
Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 17:46

'All the time' and once a month are not really the same though are they, manicmum? And not burping or farting or whatever is just good manners. My anxiety is something I can't control in the same way, much as I would like to.

OP posts:
XiCi · 18/02/2015 17:47

You've been together 6 months? I'm sorry but I'd be running fir the hills if a partner was displaying that sort of behaviour so early on. Your mum is right, listen to her and just back off a bit and let your bf be. What do you expect him to do from thousands of miles away? Have you any friends or family you could speak to when you have these fears?
I understand about anxiety, I've suffered really badly with panic attacks, you need to learn how to resolve these yourself

Original poster
Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 17:50

Oh, wow. The point is that my partner is not 'running for the hills' as you put it. In fact, he talks about us being together forever, and I truly believe that we will.

OP posts:
XiCi · 18/02/2015 17:56

I think its very easy at 6 months in to say you'll be together forever. I also think it's very easy to get pissed off with someone going on and on that you're going to die!

Are you very young? You're mum must be close to the situation and she is giving you good advice. It's up to you whether you listen to it.

SlaggyIsland · 18/02/2015 17:56

I totally get it. My DH works abroad a lot and I've been in tears on Skype with somewhat irrational fears for his safety. He'd be saddened if I didn't confide in him.
I currently have anxiety and "professional help" is woeful.

Original poster
Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 18:00

No, I am not very young and neither is DP. We love each other. If he were anxious, I would never 'run for the hills' but would want to reassure him and make him feel better. He feels the same way. People accusing me of 'going on and on' need to read my posts more carefully. This is something that happens once a month; never when DP is at work; which I recognise and acknowledge to him to be irrational.

OP posts:
MillyMollyMandy78 · 18/02/2015 18:02

I understand how difficult it is living with anxiety and of course a partner should be able to support you during these times. But you have been together six months! Sorry but i expected you to come on here and say a few years. I have been in a long distance relationship myself in the past and that in itself brings its own unique set of challenges. Six months is not very long at all - things should still be fun and easy going - i agree with your mum. I understand how difficult this must be for you and would suggest a counsellor to help you. He must be a lovely guy cos a lot of people would be 'running for the hills' - its too intense and difficult ffor such a new relationship.

Sallystyle · 18/02/2015 18:17

There's talking about anxieties though and then there's needing your partner to reassure your pathological anxieties. The latter requires a professional.

My husband sometimes has to reassure me that my mole actually has not changed. He is not a substitute for therapy no, but of course we ask each other for reassurance at times.

I do still consider whether my behaviour is attractive to my husband - we have been married 5 years and have 3 kids. But i still wouldn't burp or fart or pick my nose in front of him. I try not to be needy or clingy or whingy because thats just not attractive is it?

Well I fart around my husband. Sometimes I feel insecure and sometimes I might 'whine'. He still finds me attractive all the same after 10 years. I don't find him any less attractive when he farts. Having anxiety and talking to someone you love about it and asking for a bit of reassurance now and then is not clingy or whingey.

t pissed off with someone going on and on that you're going to die!

On and on? so you have presumably read the OP who said she bring it up in a conversation when she knows he is not currently stressed? how is this going 'on and on'? Or did you have to make it up so you can put the OP down?

He must be a lovely guy cos a lot of people would be 'running for the hills' - its too intense and difficult ffor such a new relationship.

Oh please! too intense and difficult? Poor bloke, having a girlfriend who tells him once a month or so that she is anxious. yes, that is very very intense Hmm

Sallystyle · 18/02/2015 18:19

Whilst I am open with my partner, I wouldn't share with him all the symptoms of my thrush

When I get thrush I will moan about how sore and itchy I am and get treated.

When I have an illness I will share the symptoms of that illness and get professional treatment.

It seems quite normal to see for someone to share their anxieties or illness symptoms with their loved ones.

Original poster
Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 18:39

u2 I'm with you Smile but I fear we are going to be accused of being clingy, needy, unattractive etc!

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 18/02/2015 18:47

Well, I can talk to my husband about my anxieties. I can fart around him and talk about thrush. And I know he will still find me attractive and not see me as clingy, needy or weird.

I love that about him.

TwoOddSocks · 18/02/2015 18:48

Anyway who would find your anxieties "weird" and would be put off by them (like Bell and Salmon) would be completely incompatible with you as someone with anxiety. It's not the kind of thing I'd bring up on a first date but as it's something that's going to affect your relationship you should absolutely be honest with your DP about it. It's great that he's able to help your anxiety.

I think some people are really dense about any mental health issues. Of course if you suffer from anxiety your worries are somewhat irrational (or at least blown out of proportion) that's why it's anxiety not just everyday concerns.

Original poster
Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 18:49

Yup, that's the same with me and DP. I am actually quite shocked by some of the responses on this thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 18:56

In fact, DP often reassures me that my worries are completely normal. He never makes me feel weird Smile

OP posts:
Lifesalemon · 18/02/2015 19:27

My views are nothing to do with being dense about mental health issues.
If my partner developed anxiety I would do my best to help him through it because I love him and want to be with him but If he had been clingy and needy and demanding reassurance for whatever reason so early in the relationship then I probably would never have got to know him well enough to love him. I do find it weird to be so besotted with someone so soon that you worry about them dying but I also find it weird that you call a mostly long distance six month relationship long term and be moving to a different country to be with him so what do I know. Good luck OP, I really hope it works out.

Original poster
Secretlifeofme · 18/02/2015 19:36

I do understand that it wouldn't be for everyone ;) in fact, if a friend told me that she was in a relationship like mine, I would advise caution. However, I am in no way an impulsive person but it really feels completely right for both of us.

OP posts:
Iwasinamandbunit · 18/02/2015 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/02/2015 19:49

I just wondered, Secret, if you're so secure in your partner's acceptance of your anxiety issues and love for you regardless... why are you asking about being 'cool'? Surely it doesn't matter?

Personally, I wouldn't distinguish between the different types of anxiety, ie. 'Aren't I silly?' and the 'I'm terrified you'll be under a bus'. I would hate it. I would be urging you to get some professional help if you couldn't get a handle on these very negative emotions. I'm sympathetic to a point, my mum has this sort of anxiety and it's very wearing trying to reassure her all the time. I know you've said that this is once a month but your partner is going to be aware that this is something more frequent than that, just that you voice it once a month...

I think it's a bit off that you've just huddled together with a few like-minded posters and disregarded the thoughts of the others because you don't like what they said. Very childish and a bit silly.

Swipe left for the next trending thread