Being a SAHM is not because partner earns loads, it is because childcare means it is unaffordable to work

[Yesitismeagain]

Why do people think SAHMs a lifestyle choice? Most people I know are SAHMs because they can't afford the childcare to make working worthwhile! With only 1 income coming in, the 'lifestyle' is one of watching every bloody penny.

Most of my well educated friends who had decent jobs - not top earners in the City, but earning over £30k each year. Had children, and then found they couldn't afford to go back to work as the childcare (+ commute and parking) would make no financial sense.

Their husbands salary means any tax credits on the wife's wages are minimal or zero.

I am fed up of being thought of as loaded as a family just because I don't work. I don't work because I can't afford to!!

For some SAHMs it is a life style choice

But it's temporary - I was paying my entire wage in childcare at one point but now all three are in school it's about 10% of my earnings

You are still making a choice

Is is a lifestyle choice from the moment you chose to have children though, surely? You must've done the sums first.

Agree with Rufus. For some it is. For some it isn't. Some feel smug. Some don't. There's just no one rule for all in any of this stuff. Why do you feel you have to justify yourself to anyone? You really don't you know!

Five SAHM threads in AIBU at the same time must be a record.

"Would make no financial sense" doesn't mean it isn't a choice.

Some people would rather work even if it costs them. Nowt wrong with that.

Some people would rather stay at home even if it costs them. Nowt wrong with that either.

There are constraints in every area of life. I blame my era - they TOLD me I could have it all. Bloody liars.

Many women do go back to work even if it makes no sense financially in the short term, use childcare vouchers, savings and eke their way through the pre-school years, once they're at school it all gets so much easier, some SAH, I would say that both are lifestyle choices.

Bollocks, just bollocks.

30K is loads. If DP earned 30K I'd be able to SAH. We live in the South East.

As it is he earns minimum wage, meaning I HAVE to work. No choice if we want to keep a roof over our heads.

You can avoid the paying for childcare problem by working evenings and nights, as I have done for the past 5 years - fucking hard but doable.

If your DP/DH earns enough for your family to be able to survive on the one wage you are very fortunate.

It IS a lifestyle choice imo, but I'm prepared for you all to disagree.

toffee go and start a 6th just to make sure. I'll come over and vehemently disagree with whatever you post about.

Most families I know do some or all of the following

• accept that the "not being able to afford childcare" bit is only temporary
• look at flexible working to minimise need for childcare
• space their children out to minimise bills
• save in advance of DC to have a "cushion"
• use family for some childcare
• work opposite hours e.g. on parent works evenings or weekends

I don't think I know anyone who genuinely has become a SAHP because they couldn't afford to do otherwise. I do know lots of people who have rethought their and their partners jobs when they had DC.

In our case it is.

Four DC 3 at school one at nursery, childcare would be in excess of £300 per week term time and more during holidays.

Every single family I know who have both parents working full time have grandparent help, in fact I don't know anyone who works and doesn't have family help with childcare we never had that option.

Ok you could say we should only have had one or two children then I could be back at work.

I'm trying to get back to work at the moment with DS starting school this year.

It's not rocket science to check childcare costs before having a child. Given nobody is forced to have children, it is a lifestyle choice people make. So it is a choice if you go ahead knowing you won't be returning to work.

Thousands work different hours to their partner etc as a way round it, there's always a way if you want to work.

I earn £30k and full time nursery costs 50% of my wages. For use it makes financial sense for me to work. If we came into some money I would give up work, it would be a luxury for me to be a stay at home mum.

The point is that it is temporary.

While your take home pay may cover child care costs you are also clocking up pension contributions, NI contributions, increasing the likelihood of future pay rises and promotion and keeping your professional knowledge current.

You are also contributing to the resilience of family finances - so if one person loses their job there is a second income to fall back on.

It's also lazy to assume that SAH always has to be followed by "M".

Agree with kitchen and toffee

Can always do with more SAHM/WOHM threads

LETS FILL THIS MUTHA UP!!!!!!!!!

WTF is this? Open season on the WOHM/SAHM debate? Thread after thread after thread...

What irks me about this position is that it implicitly views the mother's income alone as being the one that 'services' childcare costs, rather than both mother and father's incomes.

We both work in demanding professional jobs, without any family childcare help, because it simply never occurred to us that this would change because we had a child. My career has not been rendered supplementary or 'optional' by the decision to have a child.

But yes, agree it's depressing these retrograde 'setting women against women' debates are still happening. We should be prioritising campaigning for universal affordable goiod quality childcare, so that working is a genuine choice for both parents.

For DH is it is a lifestyle choice... he married a woman that does a job that even Xenia would approve of.

Why are you gender stereotyping parents as well as trying to set SAHM and WOHM against each other.

Anyway having children is a lifestyle choice!

My child care for 3 children who are all at school is:

Term time: £5 for breakfast club per child per day and £15 for after school club per child per day - that is £60/day during TERM time for me.

Holiday time: £35 for a whole day per child - that is £105/day during HOLIDAYS.

Whoever says that it is only temporary isn't looking at the maths.

Before they were at school I would of had to pay £55 per day per child. So yes once they are at school it is cheaper, but not FREE. It is still a lot of money in childcare.

I live in the South East and these are standard costs where I am.

It's half term people are looking for something to do like starting a bun fight on mumsnet!

I agree entirely Tisiphone. When we needed childcare the cost was divided proportionately between DH and me according to our incomes, like all other domestic expenditure. There may well have been a time when we were not much better off both working but the effect on our respective careers if either of us had ceased work for 3 years would have had significant longer term.

I am considering the finances of the childcare situation. It is just semantics to argue over whether it is a SAHM or SAHD - basically one parent at home because childcare is too expensive for both to work.

OK serious answer. For some people it is lifestyle choice and for some people it isn't. For us it was a lifestyle choice - I am a high earner and DH wanted one parent at home with the DC when they were young; so he stayed home.

If you have caring responsibilites e.g. disabled child or elderly parents then it may be a necessity to be at home whatever your income.

If you have family members who can help you out with childcare then childcare costs may not be the deciding factor.