would you want to know if your DC behaved badly on a playdate?

[var123]

and would you take the other parent's word for it if she told you what your DC had done?

Yes I would want to know - I would ask my child what their version of events was, and then check that against what the other parent had told me.
DS1 has misbehaved on a playdate and been told off by the friend's gran - his version mostly tallied with the parent's version but with a few minor omissions.

I guess it would depend on what they'd supposedly done?

I don't think I'd accept the other parent's word for it completely if it differed wildly from what my DC said though - if it was e.g. a breakage and the other parent was claiming that my child had done it, but my child said that it wasn't him and was adamant about it

ive had 3 playdates ever where i felt I couldn't get the child to behave, but only once said some thing.

The last one was last week and the time before (when i said something) was 2 years ago.

the time that id said something ds1 and ds2 had friends over at the same time. The younger boy spent the entire time poking, kicking and name calling DS1s friend.
The older boy just looked upset and bewildered. He retaliated once to get it to stop and then he didn't know what to do. I couldn't stop the younger boy either. It was a long 3 hours!

So I told his mum when she came to collect him. Then for weeks after she kept coming up to me to tell me Id got it wrong. I hadn't though.

It was embarrassing and I regretted saying anything.

Now i am in a similar situation again. If I were the parent I would want to know. However I am hesitating because I don't want to have to keep proving that I am telling the truth.

Oh dear, no wonder you couldn't get the 1st child to stop if his mother condoned that sort of behaviour and assumed he could do no wrong!

Is this a different child? And therefore a different parent?
Perhaps approach it from a different angle - something like "I don't think X enjoyed coming here for a playdate very much, he wasn't really amenable to joining in playing in a way that was comfortable for everyone - is this usually a problem for him?"

its a different child this time with another parent. The boy this time is 13 so its called hanging out instead of playdates now but otherwise its the same drill.

My issue this time was how cheeky the boy was to me and the swearing.

The time when I said something the mother just couldn't believe her son would behave that way as he doesn't at home. I think that was the reason though: he seemed to think he could do as he pleased for once and wss making the most of it!

I don't think I'd say anything unless the mum asked why he wasn't invited back again / why your child couldn't come around to their house in return. Awkward though!

At 13 I wouldn't bother telling the parents, they know what their son is like. I would talk to my DC about friendship choices and the boy wouldn't be welcome in my home again.

Yes.

I wouldn't tell though unless they were really bad.

We had the friendship choices conversation immediately. ds1 had felt pushed into having him over and he wasn't surprised because boy can be like that with teachers too! The things he told me would have been unheard of in my day.

Well if he's cheeky and rude to teachers, at some point that is going to get back to his mother as well and she will realise that her DS isn't as "good" as she thinks he is.

I'd still have said something, and he wouldn't be welcome back to my house either with bad attitude.

I once did this and it turned into the most gigantic fall out imaginable! To be fair I had stopped myself from saying anything about these particular children for a very long time (because we were all friends and did each other a lot of favours). One day I told their Mum how badly they'd behaved that day and suffice to say she would not believe me, acted as though her children were basically victims and never spoke to me again!

A rather extreme reaction maybe but if this happened again I wouldn't say anything. I'd not allow them back again though. I don't feel I was wrong to speak up exactly it's just that the angst and drama wasn't worth it!

He's not welcome back and DS will do his best to keep away. DS says he doesn't like him! I said I was going to let his mother know what had happened but I spoke in the heat of the moment and I wished I thought first!

He's so self confident that he said to Ds at the time that he felt sorry for him having a mother like me. Then as I was taking him home he got out of the car suddenly regretful and telling me that he'd make it up to me.

Apparently this is what he does at school I.e. Says and does anything to get himself out of trouble, but it's only lies.

I'd want to know, for sure. But I would also check with my child for their version of what happened.

But I have never reported back poor behaviour. Though we never had any really poor behaviour. In your case, I'd make it clear that friend is not to be invited back again. And help your DS with a few responses to make sure he wasn't pushed into having him over again.

To answer my op, I'd want to know if my Dc had behaved badly in some else's home because I'd want to make sure they wereput straight about what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. I would hate hearing it but I would apologise rather than put the other mother on trial.

It has to be a really bad experience before you'd even think of saying anything other than what a pleasure it had been to have them, doesn't it?

For me it was repeatedly kicking another chil who was a guest in our home. I couldnt make him stop because every time I turned my back for second he was doing it again.

The mother kept coming up to me to talk about it and every time she'd imply that I had missed some details out. I had - I had only told her about a third of what her son had done because I didn't want her to think I was exaggerating or laying it on thick.

I certainly would!

That said, I remember being about 6 and being silly at my cousins. We were staying the night and hadn't ever been away from home before and probably were silly and annoying - sliding down banisters and giddiness.

My aunt commented on it to my mum.

My mum was still going on about the shame when I started senior school!

These situations can be awkward and frustrating.

DS1 had a friend who on more than one occasion had ended up leading them in to trouble, all under my very nose, in our house. I would usually hold my tongue until it went too far. The last straw was when he turned on my younger boy, aged 4 at the time, so about six years younger than him: locked him in the shed, chucked him about on the trampoline 'wrestling' waaaaaaay to roughly to the point that I thought one injury was a possible fracture, made him cover his face in ink, repratedly locked him out of the house playing hide and seek. Blatant, knowing I was watching everything, maybe even testing to see how far he could push it. Every time I intervened he would slink out of sight with a sheepish grin. I sent him home politely and then told DS1 that he was never welcome in the house again.

Turned out that visit had been the turning point for DS1 too and he has avoided him ever since. It really upset him seeing his little brother treated like that and not having the strength/courage to stand up to this dominant 'friend'.

I wanted to tell the parents but felt that not much would be achieved. They are nice people but I'm not convinced, based on past events in other places, that they would believe their precious boy would do all those things. It's also awkward in that he only lives down the road and it's the kind of village where saying something to the parents would cause discomfort and division for years to come.

Wellies, you are right. It seems like a perfectly sensible response to tell parents about things like this but I think in fact it causes awkwardness and sometimes worse. In my case the parents told me it was my fault and I should have dealt with the behaviour properly. That was after denying it had happened at all.

Yes, I would absolutely want to know.

That being said, I would never tell anyone if their child was badly behaved at my house. No good could ever come of that.

Yes, I'd want to know, and yes I've said something. Kids are nearly 6 now.
When i said something tho, I sort of eluded to it, without approtioning blame: "boys got very excited and silly, with some name calling, so we did X to try and calm things down a bit"

Oh, and yes, I'd beleive the parent over a 5 yr old :)

Yes I would want to know even though it would be awkward, it depends what my child was saying and what the parent was saying as to whether I wholly believed their version of events, if the parent said she had actually seen it then I almost certainly would. That said I think I'd be circumspect about what I told a parent about their child's behaviour, I'd probably just not invite the child around again.

Itsgoingtoreindeer I am agog at your story, I guess the mum's behaviour at the party answered a lot of questions as to why the child behaved the way she did though. Your poor DD, what a cruel thing to do to a child.