would you want to know if your DC behaved badly on a playdate?

[var123]

and would you take the other parent's word for it if she told you what your DC had done?

I would want to know and be pleased that you had told me. I however, have children that behave perfectly for everyone else in the world and are only badly behaved for me and DH!
At 13, however, I wouldn't bother, just make a mental note to avoid him and talk to DC about friendship choices. Unless it's a child you know and love well and they were acting out of character, it strikes me as too late to tell the parents.

It's amazing how many parents think their pwecious darlings can do no wrong.
I've also alluded to it, but wimped out telling properly, except in the case of good friends where we told each other's kids off. Then I've said if they'd been a handful the day?

At 13 I wouldn't bother though. Too little, too late.

Yes I would want to know. I'm not one of those precious my-child-can-do-no-wrong parents. While my kids are good kids, they all have their foibles and I would willingly hear a parent out about their behaviour. It has never happened, but all things are possible.

On the other hand, things would have to have been awful for ME to tell another parents their child had not behaved. I've never experienced any visiting child's behaviour as truly abysmal though, so it hasn't come up.

Having said that, my friend's dd can be a bit of handful...while she gets on great with my own dd, she is bossy and mean to my ds2 who is a sweetie pie, so I don't have her here if I can avoid it. If her mum's here she tells her off in that ineffective, la la la sort of way, so I doubt she'd be much use if I did report back. I just deal with her myself if I have to.

my problem was the other two mothers knew each other and the older boy was sure to tell his mother. in any case I had to tell the older boys mother because he'd been in my care and he'd had a horrible time and doubtless gained some bruises. So I owed her an explanation and an apology.

But all that meant it was a risk not tell the younger boy's mother too as she might have heard about from someone else.

She didn't call me a liar. she just looked dubious. She told me that her children wouldn't do anything like that. Unluckily for her at that very moment her 6 year old came running into my house (he'd let himself out ofthe car) and started jumping up and down on my sofa right in front of us.

In principle it sounds fine, but truth is I dread the thought if it's anything more than a minor thing.

It would be torture; It's so depressing, I wasn't there, what am I supposed to do about things they do when I'm not there and that happened hours ago? (Why the heck can't you keep control of them? Well, don't judge me for raising a brat if you can't manage my kid either.)

I can talk to DC until I'm blue in the face, I can impose sanctions, I don't expect these to work at all if the other parent isn't willing to lay down the law there and then at the time. And if you bother to say something then I'm pretty sure you'll never invite back, anyway.

I would want to know and I would tell another mother if their child misbehaved on a play date BUT it would depend what the child had done.
I wouldn't care if she believed me or not - I would give her the information and what she does with that is up to her.
From experiences I have had, mothers get all defensive and won't believe their child ever does anything. If they don't trust what I am telling them is true it makes me wonder why they would trust me to have their children over a playdate in the first place.

What are you supposed to do?
Perhaps you could have a discussion with your child and how their behaviour impacted on the playdate? Perhaps you could make them aware that they will not be invited back, and a repeat performance elsewhere will result in similar? Maybe you could have your child apologise for their poor conduct, thus taking responsibility for their own behaviour?

There are quite a lot of things you are supposed to do.

I'd want to know as my DD probably wouldn't get a repeat invite and I'd be wondering why if she was still friends with the other child. (note I presumed it was my DD misbehaving! DS is always so good I can't imagine him ever being told off! )

FWIW, she has had a friend here who wouldn't do as she was told, insisted her mum 'doesn't have rules' and she can do what she likes, was generally cheeky and rude. I haven't invited her back and my DD knows why. I suspect she has also told her friend why as the mum now gives me dirty looks and hasn't invited my DD over for ages, despite always saying how well they played together in the past.

It's a shame as she's obviously going to take her DD's word when she says she didn't misbehave, but actually if one of mine told me their friend wouldn't have them back due to bad behaviour I'd be mortified and give them a good telling off.

I usually do specify when someone's parents collect them if they've been a bit cheeky or rude, but only in a light hearted way. I think the parents should know.

I wouldn't worry any more about the incident 2 years ago. You did the right thing and the mother sounds like a twat person who will hear no wrong of their son.

At 13, as others have said, it's more of an issue between them and you. Don't have them back in the house, help DS get some distance from him manage his friendship with the boy.

As to the OP Q. Yes, i'd always want to know if my DCs had behaved badly at someone else's house. It would be very unlikely however. Would i believe it? Depends on what they were supposed to have done. I know my daughters very well. I do not tolerate bad behavior of any kind at home so i would have been very surprised to hear of bad behavior in someone else's house. Older 3 are all late teens now. No complaints.

OH - apart from once - when DD3 was 11/12 she was out for the day round the village with her usual friends, and they met up with a couple of girls from school who were notorious for their shitty behavior. They went into the local shop and DD was persueded to steal a Fredo. A Fredo! (). And was caught! I believed that. We were suitably furious and disappointed. She was very ashamed of herself and it was the beginning and end of her career in crime on the same day. The shop keeper (i went in to speak to him) had been impressed with her manners at the time! She had admitted it immediately and appologised and accepted her telling off from him with good grace. That's my girl

ragged - -if he were my child I'd have a far greater range of carrots and sticks to get this child to behave than I do for other peoples children. So just because I can't stop someone else's child misbehaving doesn't mean I would let it go if my own child did this.

The other mother is a good person and I suspect a good mother. It was just awkward because her child gave her a highly edited version and she believed him so she kept trying to approach me to say that maybe it wasn't as bad as Id made it sound.

It was worse than id said. So id give a bit more detail to her. She'd go quiet and then she'd come back with something her son had made up. I just wanted to drop it.

ragged I agree there is quite a lot you are supposed to do. A parent has a lot more options than someone just looking after your child. We are powerless. You supposedly aren't.

If you honestly feel that you can't or shouldn't, do anything, then perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to seek help to develop some parenting strategies. It sounds as if you are floundering a bit.

Well, don't judge me for raising a brat if you can't manage my kid either.

Wow.

I thought that too pictish but I tried to word it diplomatically.

ragged - sorry I didn't make it clear. I caught the first attack and firmly told him to stop. I was so firm about it that the older boy was too scared to do anything to defend himself. Also my 2 sons recognized my tone and knew that it would be a good idea to behave themselves.
Only the youngest boy kept going. I toldhim again and made him stay beside me until we got home. He continued to do things even if I tookmy away for a second (I caught him several times out of the corner of my eye). I told him offmore and more firmly. Ds2 started to ask his friend to just stop it.
When we got home I separated them into different rooms but when I came to serve dinner, he started again. I stood next to him and said one more time and I will tell your mum. I went to get the pudding and when I came back he was stretching so
far under the table with his foot that his head was on the seat.

5 mins later and his mum arrived so I told her a little of what he'd done.

I agree with tiggytape. It's politeness and also worry about how far another parent would expect you to intervene in behaviour. Each individual will have different personal expectations about having their children told off by another parent, often the closer you are to them (best friends, sisters) the more likely they would be happy for you to tell off their children.

Hmm, thinking about it too, the more reasonable and lovely the parent, the more likely they are to accept the need for you to tell off their children, more likely to be mortified at what their children have done am I right?!

Yes, I'd want to know.

It depends what they've done as to whether I'd tell another parent.

I've only had to do it once - a friend of DD2 who kept kicking and hitting the dog, pulling his ears, tail, trying to climb on his back, etc. I shut the dog away, but the child kept on and on. I was terrified the dog was going to get fed up and bite him. Mum just said "oh, she loves dogs, she just wants to play". Child was never invited back.

Now they're older I don't bother, they just don't get invited back.

My eldest is 13 and last summer had a friend over to sleep. DD and friend were an absolute PITA, cackling and running in and out of the bathroom all night, I caught them out in the garden at 3am jumping on the trampoline making next doors dog bark, then at 5am they were trying to get out of the front door to go to the park, they did the 'cinnamon challenge' and left a huge mess. DD has lots of friends over to sleep and they've never behaved like that. Friend has never been allowed back and DD has never been allowed to stay there

I would. I'm fairly sure my ds has been a pita on a playdate because the mum really cooled it with me straight away. She told me he didn't eat the sausage rolls and he can get very shrieky and hyper if he hasn't eating. I didn't consider that he wouldn't eat or I'd have sent a packed lunch. It's a shame as I really liked her and her kid. He's only 5 and to be honest I think they're often painful on playdates at this age, they little egomaniacs.

I'd want to know if my DS had been up to things or been rude. I would ask him for his version of events but if he had been misbehaved I would be talking very sternly to him and any further play dates would be under the threat of toys or treats being removed if he didn't behave.

Luckily mine normally saves his bad behaviour for home and is generally angelic at school and other people's houses but if he was put in a play date with relaxed boundaries he could easily play up. Most kids could.

And as for 'what can I do, it was hours ago', how about make sure your child knows that they are expected to behave even if you're not there. Talk to them about it and make it very clear what rewards or sanctions there will be for good/bad behaviour on a play date. IME as a teacher the worse behaved children are often the ones who know their parents think the sun shines out them and never believe that they could get up to anything naughty - it always must have been some other child's fault etc.

A bit of general silliness/PITAness doesn't bother me. Most kids can be silly and over excited IME.

I'm sure mine have been equally silly/PITA.

Mine are no angels, but I can usually trust them to behave with other people

We end up with a bit of an open house during school holidays so I just send anyone home when I reach the end of my patience.

Now they're older I don't really see the parents so much anyway, they tend to make their own way to each other's houses/home

I would absolutely want to know and words would be had!

Thankfully I haven't had too many cases of badly behaved visitors, generally a word and a 'look' will suffice to curb any undesirable behaviour.

Most of my friends are of the same school of parenting as me so I have no qualms with giving a telling off if necessary. And my friends are the same, they kbow they can discipline my kids if,need be.

It's trickier when it's kids/parents you don't kbow well.

Var123, you may have handled things perfectly. I haven't actually thought about your personal story. Just the bigger question people were discussing.

There's one huge difference between me & your play-guest's mom; I would assume that what my child did was really much much worse than whatever you said. I don't know anything about being embarrassed to have to tell a parent their child misbehaved; I have only been on the other side.

But anyway, if (English) people say anything then they don't ever invite back. They're only telling you so that you know why. (Of course they will still happily send their kid along to mine anytime). So discussion all a bit pointless.

If a child was behaving so badly that I felt the need to tell their parent about it, I'd ring the parent there and then and ask them to come fetch them home because it just wasn't working.

I'd expect another parent to do that too. I'd be mortified to think that my child had been being a PITA for another adult for hours.

I suppose, when I think it through, if I had a child over for a playdate whose parent DIDN'T want to know if their child's behaviour had been really difficult. Then the chances are that parent wouldn't be interested in teaching their children how to behave and the child would be very likely to be a major PITA. So I wouldn't want to have their child over anyway!